Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Hi- I'm upset because my 50 year old boyfriend of 1 year and I planned a week-end away 2 months from now. He has a busy schedule and finally committed to the week-end before my birthday. The other week-ends he is busy with his adult kids/work. Now a friend of his decided to invite him (without a guest) to their daughter's wedding. He didn't think he was getting invited before. But now that he is, he wants to skip my birthday week-end and look for another week-end. I am hurt by this because it took a lot of effort to find a week-end where we could both go. We haven't reserved the room, but I had done a lot of research and we were ready to book. Should i make a big deal about this? I'm hurt and wonder how much I really mean to him. Can anyone help me with this one? Thanks so much. hurt and feeling like I'm #2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I think its unfair as he made plans with you first and its your birthday weekend. Its also a friends daughters wedding, not an immediate family memeber, so I dont think its fair on you at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Thanks Sapphire. I'm thinking of telling him i feel like I'm #2. He is a widower for 3 years who I have been through a lot with. So I feel like #2 for a few reasons now that he may blow off our week-end. Again-Thanks for your input Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 When I read that you felt blown off, I assumed he was going off with his buddies fishing instead...but..A friend invites you to a daughter's wedding because of the relationship they have with you, not because of the child's relationship, esp. if they are throwing/hosting the wedding. Maybe they helped him a lot through his late wife's passing and he is close to them or he watched the daughter grow up. Weddings and funerals are two things I can see someone canceling for. If you have been dating him for a year, I would probably not be happy he wasn't invited with "and guest" if the friends knew he was with someone, but maybe they can't afford a crowd. who knows - maybe if he said he was going away with his girlfriend but feels really bad about changing plans they'd invite you too, but i wouldn't count on it. sometimes when one was a widower people don't picture that there would be anyone else. There are compromises - go somewhere where he sneaks away for the ceremony while you are getting a facial or sightseeing and then he rejoins you or both pick another time. If the wedding is saturday - why not leave friday after work, he sneaks away saturday night and comes back before the end of the reception or just after the obligatory dances, etc. Since you did not reserve a room - what about simply booking for your birthday weekend or something else? I think that you may have "been through a lot" but if he is a widower, it could have been decades since he has dated. He doesn't know how he is making you feel unless you tell him. I don't think he is intentionally making you second because he is going to a wedding. I really don't think that he is blowing you off - it seems there is a scheduling conflict and he may feel a once in a lifetime event versus something he could do the following weekend, etc, rules out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainDrop 2911 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I would be hurt if i'd taken the time to organise something when he was free, and then he cancelled on me. You should tell him how you feel about this and if he cares for you and you really do mean alot to him, he should understand how you're feeling.. also .. ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! He should know that a girls birthday is to be taken seriously !! he should be doing everyting he can that weekend to make you feel special ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I would move on from this one if this is a pattern! Debbi, if he has repeatedly shown you that you are a low priority on his list, this last move solidifies it. Don't you want a relationship where someone makes you a priority? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cadence44 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I understand why you'd be hurt. You feel like he's taking you for granted and not placing enough importance on this weekend. But I do think you should consider not taking this too personally, given that he was invited to a wedding. You don't give the details of how close he is to this friend whose daughter is getting married, but if they are more than acquaintances, I'd cut him some slack especially if he made plans with you assuming that he wasn't going to be invited to the wedding. Explain that you're a little upset about it and ask if you can plan another weekend further in advance and if he can schedule his work and time with his kids around that weekend. Let him know that this is important to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I am not sure where my post went - it seemed to disappear. Anyways, in summary: You can't avoid weddings and funerals. If he is a close friend of the parents and they are throwing the wedding, of course they would want him there. If he had decided to go fishing with his buddies, I would have considered it a blow off, but this might be different. I would expect that if the budget was tight they would invite him and anyone not engaged or married without a guest. Don't be offended. Also, you didn't make the reservation so you still have the money. I would say either go on a get away and he goes to the ceremony while you go shopping or get a facial or CHEERFULLY accept his offer to spend your birthday another way (a romantic dinner, a night in without the grown kids, whatever else) around the wedding or spend the rest of the weekend with you and then plan a get away for another time. Maybe if you guys have trouble aligning your schedules, what about a spontaneous get away where you wake up saturday morning and say "hey...we don't have any plans...let's take a drive" and just end up somewhere and stay the night. Or take a day off of work midweek to not be disturbed. Who knows - if they know he was cancelling other plans they might invite you but don't count your eggs. I know with my boyfriend now with our very busy lives we try to do a few romantic things throughout the week. We have never had a "getaway" and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovelace Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I can't say anything about your relationship- you know what's up. As far as this specific incident goes, I'd be understanding. It's a wedding, and it's not something they can just shift around for one of their guest's girlfriends, you know? He could also not attend, but if he's really close with these people, of course that's going to take priority over a fun trip away with the girlfriend. There are other weekends, and maybe if you're cool about this, he'll make it up to you ON your birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Hi and thanks. Well it's complicated but I'll try to explain: He is a widower for 3 years, and the couple that is inviting him knows me too. I've know them for years. I was one of the few single people that hung out with this group of couples. And that was even when my widower boyfriend was married. But over the years, the mother (Jane) of the bride has openly told me she is jealous of me. I'm a hard working professional woman who also happened to be single for many years. I have told her over and over that I am not a threat to her and have no interest in her husband (or any husband for that matter). All my other friends know how insecure this woman is too. So she won't invite my BF with a guest. I feel badly about this and my boyfriend is aware of how this woman has dissed me due to her insecurities. So that makes this even harder. When we planned this trip, he did not think he was invited to the wedding, so that week-end was fine. But now he is looking for another week-end. Granted he hung out with these people when his wife was alive, but now that she is gone, should he go to the wedding and blow off our plans. It's very confusing to me. And I am very hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Hi can you please look at my last reply and tell me what you think? Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt because it's a wedding and it can't be moved whereas your weekend can. I'm sorry and I completely understand why you are upset but try to give him a break on this one. Now, if this becomes a pattern where he cancels on you for frivolous things that he could easily skip, that's an entirely different story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 This is a toss-up between your birthday celebration that it took some time to organise because of his busy schedule and the wedding of a friend that he claims is close but not close enough to know that he would be invited in the first place. In my opinion, plans that are made first should come first unless there are really exceptional circumstances and I don't think this wedding qualifies - particularly since you aren't invited. So I think you re justified in being upset and feeling slighted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Thanks lady00. did you by any chance read the reply 2 above yours? Do you still think I should let it slide. I do want to tell him i am hurt. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I honestly don't know...this becomes much more complicated now that you introduce this history between you and this woman's mother. It seems like the root of the problem has less to do with the wedding and the canceled plans and more to do with the fact that you are hurt by your boyfriend's friend's comments and your boyfriend's unwillingness to stand up for you to her. It sounds like you are hurt because you see his maintaining the friendship and attending the wedding as him choosing her side. It's tough because I wonder if his going to this wedding is part of maintaining a friendship with that whole group and with the bride's father rather than intentionally disregarding your feelings. I'm not sure. Is he good friends with the husband and the others in the group (that I assume will be attending)? Perhaps he's just trying to keep the peace and maintain those relationships with the other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Two things. the reason why you are not invited could be 1) they had to cut the guest list off somewhere and can't invite everyone they have hung around with. If they were considering you not as a couple but two individual guests, they might have not invited you anyway. And they probably have not invited a number of the "circle of friends." You just maybe perceive you have jumped up the list because of your relationship. The reason could not be about Jane but you are reading into it. I was not invited to a couple weddings with my ex - only couples who were engaged, married, or maybe living together for years went to them because they were small weddings. 2) weddings are stressful but don't need added stress. If the mother of the bride would feel uncomfortable with you being there, and you aren't related by blood, then she has a right not to invite you. It may not be that you have ever done anything to her. It could all be in her mind. But if you stress her out, then I could see where for the sake of the bride and groom's special day, they would not invite you. 3) if either these are the case, the problem is NOT with your boyfriend, its with Jane. So don't take it out on him. Sure, he can choose to say he would wish Jane would grow up. However, you and he are not family members and it benefits no one to cause a fight or create a scene. This is Jane's day. Its really the bride and grooms but she could see it as hers. I would take the high road and ASSUME that #1 is the case because it is just a weight off of both of you and then you can always joke with eachother later or figure out later what to do about Jane. I don't think her daughter's wedding is appropriate to make any sort of statement. It is always hard when a spouse dies - it goes without saying but for the social network, they don't know what to do with the widower or widow. And sometiems it takes them longer to see that person and a new partner as a "couple" because the late wife is still in their minds as the way things have always been. Instead of creating a war, I would be as gracious as possible - just smile and be cordial the next time you see Jane as it is her inner issue to deal with. And maybe feel bad for her that she has this weird idea in the first place that you are out to get her husband or that she is just insecure. Just continue to prove her wrong. If something comes up that is not a wedding but a retirement party, a backyard BBQ - then i think it is appropriate for your boyfriend to not go unless you can go too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 How close is he to these people, if he didn't even think he was invited to the wedding? Debbi, does this guy make a lot of time for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 This couple has been in our circle of friends for about 10 years. We both know them equally although maybe he did a few more social things with them when his wife was alive. Jane's husband is a good friend of mine and always a kind, friendly man. She on the other hand is very jealous and thinks I'm a threat. We still go to /new Year's and Christmas parties all together, but she is hostile to me. My BF does make time for me, but I almost feel like this is a link to his past life with his wife who passed. At the same time he knows he is dissing me to attend this last minute wedding. Maybe he is not really done grieving. I'm feeling kind of 2nd more than ever. Also, i work in the city so i have long hours. He works from a home office but also is involved in sports during the week night. The week-ends are the only time to see him. thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I agree with abitbroken......very well said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 A friend who went through something similar. Her boyfriend always put his work first, and made her a low priority-Also saw her twice a week. He repeatedly showed up hours late and blew her off on several occasions-I DID NOT LIKE HIM A BIT! When she started expecting more-she has some self-esteem issues-and fell in love with this man, he bailed. he knew who couldn't continue to string her along with crumbs much longer. I think you should look at the entire relationship history-not this single incident-and ask yourself if weekends are enough, and if he can make your future a happy one. If not, I would consider making some changes. Lastly, he made plans with you first, and more importantly on your b-day weekend. If the situation were reversed, how would you have handles it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Thank you Holly, i am looking at that and appreciate your insight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 The point is that he had already made plans with you to celebrate your birthday and took his time about fitting you into his busy schedule because of other things he deemed more important. I think you have legitimate cause to wonder where you fit on this guys priority list. How close can he be to these folks if he didn't think he would be invited in the first place? . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Moderator Note: I have merged your two threads into one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I would put this in my pocket and observe whether he makes a real effort to make this up to me. If so, he gets it--and I can get past this. If not, that would tell me all I'd need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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