JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I'm pretty confused and hurt...any advice would be awesome I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 and a half years. He treats me amazing...I can't go on enough about how good of a boyfriend he is. He's loyal, caring, funny, loving, protecting, etc etc. That's not my issue here, just let me get that accross. My issue is...in this 2 and a half years we've been together, I've seen his main group of friends that he hangs out with ALL THE TIME, only 2 times. That's it. Twice. It's come up before, but we both kind of blew it off as nothing important. But now, it's getting to me. I'm just starting to feel like he's either hiding a part of his personality from me, or for some reason he's just not wanting me around, and that's what concerns me. I ALWAYS include him with me and my friends...if there's a party, he's there. If were having a dinner, he's there. Even if I'm just hanging out at my house with one of my girlfriends, he will come over and hang out too. I try and try and try to make plans with us and his friends, but there's always an excuse. He only hangs out with me and this one group of friends whom all live in the same house...so it's not like it's that hard to make plans. It's only 4 guys. Anytime I say, hey lets go chill with your friends...he will say no, or make up some kind of excuse (I'm tired, don't feel like it, they're stupid, don't feel like driving, etc) I've tried so many times to even make just dinner plans, but no. And I'm not overbearing about it. I'm not needy about his attention. I just try to get involved with his life like he is mine, but he won't let me. He see's his friends about 4 days out of the week, and me maybe 3 or just on weekends. So he gets PLENTY of guy time. Why can't I be included just one day out of a month? The reason why it started to concern me, is that for the past 6 months, 2 of the four guys have had girlfriends. And he talks about how they are always around when he's there. Yet, I can't be? How come they can have their girlfriends there all the time, but I'm not included? The two times I've met his friends, we all had a blast. And my boyfriend told me afterward how much they liked me...plus, I'm friends with them on facebook and we get along great. So I know it's not because they "don't like me". I would understand if was JUST guy time all the time...that's understandable. Why interrupt a room full of crazy boys that want to be crazy together? But the fact the his friends bring THEIR girlfriends around, is what makes me upset. I don't know why my boyfriend insists on shutting me out of his friend circle. It makes me sad to be honest I've talked to him about it again, and all he can say is, "it's not a big deal, I just would rather spend my time with you." But he's not taking my feelings into account...he won't see it from my point of view. *sigh* Am I overreacting? Is this just not an issue at all? I feel like it is If there are any guys reading this..can you give me a little insight as to why this might be happening? Or ladies, have you had this happen? And if so, what did you do about it? Any advice will be so appreciated. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 The perp is 22, I'm 20 lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 If this is the only problem in the relationship I would let it go. It may be something as simple as not wanting you to see how dumb his friends are or that they say things in front of the other girlfriends he would find embarrassing. But some people like to keep some areas of their lives separate or compartmentalised and there isn't really anything wrong with that. It's not as if he is hanging out with other women and excluding you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Actually, when I read your previous threads there have been a number of issues with this guy - him being too too sexual, your family saying you have no passion for him, previous breakup etc. Are you sure you are not looking for a reason to break up with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I see what you're saying DN, but...this is a relationship. When you're with someone, you're with everyone in their life. At least that's how it should be..You know the saying, "If you marry him/her you're marrying their family too." I understand privacy, and trust me...He gets plenty of it. Like I said, most of his time consists with his friends. I get a few days in a week with him...which is normal for a relationship. And I don't ask for anymore. I'm fine with that. It all boils down to me just feeling like I should be included, because I include him ALL THE TIME. Even if he doesn't tag along, I still just offer. Just because I feel like that's the right thing to do. And don't get me wrong, I have just girl time as well. There's a balance that should be made. I know he has a life outside of me, and I just want to get to know that life. Is that so much to ask? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 When you're with someone, you're with everyone in their life. Not necessarily. My wife and I have separate friends as well as joint friends. Just because you do something it doesn't mean that he has to do the same thing. You include him because you want to whereas he clearly doesn't. One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is to think that two people become one. It is compounded when one partner really wants the other to become more like them rather than an amalgamation. This behaviour of his isn't new - it's been consistent since the beginning. So what you are asking is for him to change and do things your way whereas you aren't willing to change your perceptions for him. I suggest you make some new and mutual friends to hang out with - that is what will happen eventually anyway if you stay together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Not necessarily. My wife and I have separate friends as well as joint friends. Just because you do something it doesn't mean that he has to do the same thing. You include him because you want to whereas he clearly doesn't. One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is to think that two people become one. It is compounded when one partner really wants the other to become more like them rather than an amalgamation. This behaviour of his isn't new - it's been consistent since the beginning. So what you are asking is for him to change and do things your way whereas you aren't willing to change your perceptions for him. I suggest you make some new and mutual friends to hang out with - that is what will happen eventually anyway if you stay together. I never said that I expect him to be like me. I know we have separate lives, and we both clearly embrace those separate lives. Yet the way I've grown up, and the way I believe a relationship should be, is when you're comitted to someone..everything kind of combines. My life and his life should be a balanced mesh. We need to have our own separate time with just our own lives. I know that, trust me. But at the same time, when he's completely pushing me away from a huge part of his life..it makes me upset. I'm not asking for much. I think if someone tries to hide a part of their life from you, then you should be concerned. Not just because they want "privacy." Because trust me, I give him his privacy. As I've said more than once, he has his friend time more than he has me. And I never once said I was asking for him to change and to do things my way. I simply asked for some advice and reasoning on his actions. I don't want this to turn into another subject..that's not the issue I was addressing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Not including you with his friends from time to time is NOT a good thing, particularly when his friends are including their own girlfriends. Do not trust someone who keeps you hidden from friends and family. I can understand both people needing their own set of friends and not always having the partner around....but for the partner to be constantly kept away from family or friends...something is up with that. When you are part of a couple, keeping your partner hidden away from friends or family is disrespectful to the partner and you have to wonder about why. I would suggest having a talk with him about it and say that it hurts you particularly since his other friends invite their girlfriend. Then see if he starts including you or still keeps you hidden away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well, you are asking him to change. He prefers to keep his friends to himself and you want him to include you. It is easy to make a big deal of this but if everything else is OK why go there? He can't control what his friends do so if they include their girlfriends that has nothing to with him. Like I said, my wife and I have separate friends and mutual friends. I don't see why that is a problem unless you choose to make it one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Not including you with his friends from time to time is NOT a good thing, particularly when his friends are including their own girlfriends. Do not trust someone who keeps you hidden from friends and family. I can understand both people needing their own set of friends and not always having the partner around....but for the partner to be constantly kept away from family or friends...something is up with that. When you are part of a couple, keeping your partner hidden away from friends or family is disrespectful to the partner and you have to wonder about why. I would suggest having a talk with him about it and say that it hurts you particularly since his other friends invite their girlfriend. Then see if he starts including you or still keeps you hidden away. Thanks for the reply I have recently talked to him about it. He did apologize, but continued to act like it wasn't a big deal. As I said in my original thread, he just stated that "He likes to spend his time with me only." He says that his friends are "really dumb/stupid/immature/gross etc" and he doesn't want me to be exposed to their behavior. Which I can completely see where he's coming from...but at the same time it's kind of concerning. Just the fact that he's hiding that part of his life from me. And furthermore...the fact that his friends include their girlfriends all the time. If they can be included, so can I, right? I don't really know his true intentions or feelings on the matter, and that's the part that bothers me as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well, you are asking him to change. He prefers to keep his friends to himself and you want him to include you. It is easy to make a big deal of this but if everything else is OK why go there? He can't control what his friends do so if they include their girlfriends that has nothing to with him. Like I said, my wife and I have separate friends and mutual friends. I don't see why that is a problem unless you choose to make it one. I'm not asking him to change. Asking someone to dress differently, or act differently is asking someone to change. Asking A PARTNER to include you in their life since you are in a committed COUPLE, is NOT asking someone to change. I'm glad you and your wife have separate lives. So do me and my boyfriend. I don't know about you and your wife, but I like to be included in all aspects of my partners life. That's the way it should be at least. And if they are adamantly hiding a certain aspect of their life...there's reason to worry. And I stand by that. I'm not asking him to change, I'm not making him give up his privacy, I'm not being demanding. I'm just wondering why he's trying to hide it from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 He says that his friends are "really dumb/stupid/immature/gross etc" and he doesn't want me to be exposed to their behavior. Which is what I suggested. And like I said - he can't stop his friends girlfriends being there and if his friends don't care if their girlfriends see them all acting immaturely that isn't his problem. If this relationship lasts this problem will go away on its own. I cannot see how asking someone to do things differently to their preference isn't asking them to change. But there we are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Which is what I suggested. And like I said - he can't stop his friends girlfriends being there and if his friends don't care if their girlfriends see them all acting immaturely that isn't his problem. If this relationship lasts this problem will go away on its own. I cannot see how asking someone to do things differently to their preference isn't asking them to change. But there we are. I understand what you're saying. Yet my boyfriend knows it bothers me. Plus, I'm still standing by the simple fact that...if anyone is hiding something, that's not a good thing. And he's aware that he keeps me from them, yet he insists on keeping me from them and blowing off my concerns. If your wife was adamant about hiding you from her friends or even family..you wouldn't be bothered by that? I think anyone would be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well, is he hiding them? It's not as if you don't know that these friends exist and you have met them albeit only twice. Has he refused to introduce you to his family? - that would be a concern if he has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well, is he hiding them? It's not as if you don't know that these friends exist and you have met them albeit only twice. Has he refused to introduce you to his family? - that would be a concern if he has. Not that he's hiding THEM. He's hiding them from me. Meaning, he's just not letting me in on that part of his life...that's the concern. And no, I've met his family about 3 times maybe in a span of 2 and a half years as I said. He doesn't refuse to let me interact with them, but he NEVER makes plans including them. He says they're boring, etc... I ask him all the time if they would like to go out to dinner, or just visit somewhere. But he refuses. I've only met them on special occasions. Christmas, Thanksgiving, and his birthday. That's about it. Other than that...no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Does he spend much time with his family that does not involve you? If not, maybe he doesn't like to interact much with them. Since it's his family, he should decide how much interaction he wants to have with them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Yes, he does. If he's not with me or his friends, he's spending time with his family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 The part that bothers me is that he specifically AVOIDS you being together with them. I can understand if you don't spend a lot of time with his guy friends if they are off doing sports or one on one activities together, but if he specifically tries to keep you away from them when you try to schedule a party or dinner or whatever, that would bother me. In situations like this, i've seen the following: 1. The friends are really into drugs or drinking which the BF does with them and he wants to hide that from you. 2. He dates other random women on the side, and doesn't want his friends to accidentally let this slip, to you or the other women he sees. 3. He's not sure if he wants to make your relationship 'permanent', and doesn't want you enmeshed with his friends if he dumps you. 4. He doesn't trust them not to try to steal his GF from him, especially if some of his friends are players or have a history of doing that. 5. He's insecure and doesn't like 'sharing' you with others and wants your attention alone when you're together. 6. He's a 'guy's guy' who sees women for sex and emotion and his friends as his 'boys' club' where women shouldn't enter. 7. He claims he is off with his buddies, but really he is off dating other girls so he doesn't want you to meet his friends and compare not with them about where he is or what he is doing. (i.e., he says he's out with the boys, but he's really with another girl and doesn't want you calling the buddy he said he was with to find out where he is). I personally have no trouble with a guy who wants to go off with his male buddies alone and not include me in most of those activities (since i don't like sitting around watching football anyway). But if he EXCLUDES me and tries to keep me from ever talking or interacting with them, that bothers me becuase you wonder what he is trying to hide and why he needs to keep you totally apart from them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeSmith Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thank you. It's exactly how I feel. Hopefully the things you listed aren't true... I don't see him doing those things, but it's possible. There really can only be two things. He is either hiding something from me that he doesn't want to get out... Or he truly just doesn't want me to be exposed to his friends "behavior". Yet he kind of treats his family situation in the same way.. When I try to make plans with them, like dinners or something...he refuses and says things like, "nah they're boring. I'd rather go to dinner with just you." Or "my parents don't really like leaving the house." etc. Things like that. It's the same kind of thing with his friends. All excuses really... For what reason I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 When you're with someone, you're with everyone in their life. At least that's how it should be..You know the saying, "If you marry him/her you're marrying their family too." honestly, i think that marriage is not in the cards for you with this man any time soon. i understand why you feel weird, i would too if I only met my boyfriend's friends twice in 2.5 years. and if you say something like, "hey - let's all go see this movie..." and he balks, i don't think that is a great sign. lavender dove has quite an extensive list there!! it could be anything from liking his 'boys club' (innocent enough i suppose) to having other women, or doing drugs or acting like goof balls. i just get the sense from reading your post that he is not ready to settle down and part of 'settling down' is bringing your date to some of these events. not saying he doesn't like you a lot, but that he may not be sure that this is something he wants to make 'permanent.' obviously, it's harder to break up with someone when all your friends love that person. i do think he is compartmentalizing to some extent. for example, i don't usually like to hang out with my coworkers after work. i like them and all, but after spending 40 hours during the weekday together, i see no reason to go out drinking with them at night. i have other friends i haven't seen in a while!! so it could be like that with your bf, as DN says. he spend time with you, so then he likes to go off and act like a goofball with his friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Lavenderdove hits the nail on the head. It has been my unfortunate experience to have been the hidden person while another woman, I had no clue about, was the one he was "proud" to introduce to family and friends and who he later was "proud" to call his wife. If your boyfriend's friends are that objectionable then why is he hanging around them so much? So here he is hanging around them..and behind their back he is telling you not so nice things about them. That is the way people with double lives behave..they trash talk the other side in order to maintain the separateness so that the two sides don't meet. In other words, they double cross everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Marley Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Maybe it's just my distrustful nature, but I was thinking what Crazyaboutdogs posted. Are you sure he doesn't have a girlfriend who does things with his friends and family and that you aren't the Other Woman? It's one thing to have separate lives, like DN is talking about, and another to keep you completely separate from his friends (and family?) to the point where he won't even invite them to a party with you guys, EVER. I don't hang out with my husband's friends, but I have met most of them and he does occasionally try to get me to hang out with them. I usually say no, but it is nice to be invited and shows there is secrecy there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I think you need to have an open conversation with him about what you would like and why this bothers you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Marley Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Oh, I put "there is secrecy" when I meant "there is no secrecy." Sorry if that was confusing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glowguy Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I understand the need for having separate friends and independence, but twice in 2.5 years and he hangs out with them 4 times a week?! That seems like a bit of a red flag to me. It's not like you're asking to go over there all the time and you certainly seem to respect his need to have guy time. No need to jump to conclusions, but I think you have a reason to be concerned and you deserve an honest reason why he is shutting you out. If you tell him it is hurting you then hopefully he will come around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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