imoutfront Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 To give a little background: My BF and I are in our mid 20's, have been together a year and a half, and recently moved in together (out of state, no less). Yesterday I posted on here wondering if you can date and have a future with someone who isn't your "type". I know my boyfriend would prefer that I was blonde (I'm brunette), weighed less, was college educated, and shared some of his hobbies. The one thing I also really want is to weigh less, and I wanted that even before meeting him. I've had success so far, but I still have a bit to go. Also, I do someday want to go back to college. This is something he and I discussed in great detail yesterday, and basically he said the weight issue is the only thing that he really wants resolved. He said the other things are preferences, but not deal-breakers. Through our long and emotional conversation that lasted the better part of the afternoon/evening, it came out that he knows he loves and cares about me, but he isn't sure what it means yet. As in, he isn't sure he's IN love with me. He doesn't know what to make of yet, and doesn't know exactly what it is he's feeling. He said he's never been in love before, and he's never had a real relationship before (which I already knew). I was shocked. I know I'm in love with him. I told him that after a year and a half together, asking me to move out of state with him, AND taking me home overseas for the holidays, that it's surprising he doesn't know exactly how he feels yet. He said that love happens at different rates, and means different things for people. Which I agree with to a point, but I'm still just in disbelief. He said that he knows he cares a lot about me, and only wants me to be happy, and the best for me. He said he wants to take care of me. Even if at some point I happen to decide he's not the one for me, he'd take care of me while I got my finances together enough to move back home with my parents. I asked him point-blank what he wants: Does he want me to stay with him, or move back with my parents. I told him to be completely honest, and I'll go with whatever he wants. He said he wants me to stay. We've been through a lot together already, and have invested so much, that we don't want to give up yet. We agreed to stay together for now, and see where things go. I know in my heart that everything he said to me was the truth. He told me exactly what he felt, and what he wants. I love this man so much, and want it to work so badly. Should I hold out hope? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Honestly, I would probably be bothered if my SO didn't know whether or not he loved me after a year and a half of dating. However, you also have to see it from his actions. If he shows you that he cares about you, and your well being, then ultimately I think that's more important. In terms of not being his type - not everyone may have all the qualities that you are looking for in the perfect mate. That doesn't mean that they love you any less than what you are. Although, it concerns me a little that he mentions that the weight issue is what he wants resolved. Did you gain a massive amount of weight since you've gotten together? Does he want you to lose weight for your health? On a side note, it does show that he cares about you a great deal for him to ask you to move in, and taking you overseas to meet his family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Wow. Im actually shocked. WHY would he tell you your not his type and he'd prefer you were a different way to you. Surely you is who he wants, hence being with you, not some skinny blonde. Are you severely overweight? If hes concerned about your health then fair enough, but if its just he'd like you a bit slimmer, I'd find that offensive. Also, has he said he loves you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imoutfront Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Although, it concerns me a little that he mentions that the weight issue is what he wants resolved. Did you gain a massive amount of weight since you've gotten together? Does he want you to lose weight for your health? No, it's not that I gained weight since meeting him. I was at my heaviest when we first met. Obviously, he was attracted enough to me to want to be with me, and that he thinks I'm very cute. But that it was my "good character" that really attracted him. But my weight was really an issue for him. But since I said (and meant) that I wanted to loose weight, he decided to continue on with us because it would be resolved. And I have lost weight and am looking better, but it's not going as fast as we would both like. He admitted that perhaps this makes him a bit shallow and he knows it definitely makes him picky, but he just can't ignore it. He said the other things (haircolor, education, etc...) are not deal-breakers, but this is. But in all fairness, he stated this when we first started dating, and I agreed. Again, please know that I do want to lose the weight also, and not just for him, my for me also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Yes, if you want to lose weight for you, then do so. Has he mentioned anything lately about your weight? In terms of being his type, were these also mentioned when you first started dating? If he hasn't brought it up again, perhaps his 'type' has changed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imoutfront Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Wow. Im actually shocked. WHY would he tell you your not his type and he'd prefer you were a different way to you. Surely you is who he wants, hence being with you, not some skinny blonde. Are you severely overweight? If hes concerned about your health then fair enough, but if its just he'd like you a bit slimmer, I'd find that offensive. Also, has he said he loves you? First, the only thing he's ever brought up was the weight issue. The other things are just facts that I've been able to gather over time. For example, he said something once that alluded that he liked blondes, it was something subtle. But enough for me to pick up on, and when I asked him about it, he didn't really admit it at first, but then finally did. But he stressed that while it's his preference, it's not a big deal. Second, no, I'm not severely overweight. I am 5'6", and used to be a size 16, 200 lbs. (Technically, obese... if you go by BMI). I'm now roughly 190 lbs. and a size 12. Third, yes, he has said it. But he's not American, and where he's from, it's something you say to all of your friends and family. I asked him if that meant he sees me as just a friend, or worse, like a family member. He said no, it's definitely more than that. More than just a friend. He said that he has a special bond with me that he doesn't have with anyone else, and it's the first time he's felt this way. But it's just that he's not sure what to make of it yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imoutfront Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Yes, if you want to lose weight for you, then do so. Has he mentioned anything lately about your weight? In terms of being his type, were these also mentioned when you first started dating? If he hasn't brought it up again, perhaps his 'type' has changed? He said he's frustrated that the weight loss hasn't gone faster (it's been a year since I started trying). I'm frustrated myself. But he mentioned he doesn't think I'm being as aggressive about it as I could be. And I can understand his side of it. He's invested in this both emotionally, and financially (he's paid for personal training and gym fees). So we discussed me taking it to the next level. Such as, before I had 2-3 "cheat days" a week, and now I should take it down to 1 cheat day a week. Which is do-able. But I'm scared that it won't be enough, and it still won't go fast enough. I'm scared that something about my body just doesn't want me to lose weight. I'm just scared that I'll never look like he wants. I'm a curvy girl with a semi larger frame. I'm not meant to be tiny. I'm not meant to be completely toned. And he says that's fine, he doesn't want or expect perfection. He's mentioned already to loving my curves, and wants to see more of them. He also said he likes "kinda chubby" girls, but I think by that he just means kinda soft, not a hard body. But I'm scared that when everything is said and done, and I'm down to a good, healthy weight, that he won't be happy still. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Out of curiosity, have you checked the doctors to see if you can possibly have thyroid problems? Secondly, it sounds as though he is putting far too much emphasis on your weight. If you truly want to lose weight, you have to be willing to make changes. Perhaps in your mind, it's not going as fast as it should because you are constantly being pressured to lose weight? My bf is overweight, and I'm trying to get him to lose weight as well. However, it's mostly due to health reasons than anything else. He has asthma and the extra weight that he carries actually constricts his lungs from time to time. My main concern for you is - what if you can't lose the weight, will he still want to be with you? What is the 'ideal' weight that he wants you to be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Ok. I obviously got the wrong end of the stick there. I thought he'd told you he'd prefer it if you were blonde etc. He needs to realise you'll lose the weight at your own time and pace and pushing it will make matters worse. I do not think your doomed though. The only thing that worries me is he doesnt know if he loves you or not yet. Are you happy with the relationship otherwise? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imoutfront Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Out of curiosity, have you checked the doctors to see if you can possibly have thyroid problems? Secondly, it sounds as though he is putting far too much emphasis on your weight. If you truly want to lose weight, you have to be willing to make changes. Perhaps in your mind, it's not going as fast as it should because you are constantly being pressured to lose weight? My bf is overweight, and I'm trying to get him to lose weight as well. However, it's mostly due to health reasons than anything else. He has asthma and the extra weight that he carries actually constricts his lungs from time to time. My main concern for you is - what if you can't lose the weight, will he still want to be with you? What is the 'ideal' weight that he wants you to be? No, I haven't gone to the doctor to have that checked. Since it's not as if I haven't lost any weight with effort, I have. So we figured I can amp up my game a bit, and see what happens. If it still doesn't really go as fast as we (at least) think it should, then perhaps I'll go to the doctor. He said he doesn't have an ideal weight for me, he doesn't need me to be a certain number of pounds or anything like that. He just wants my double chin, and most of my belly (he said he doesn't care if it's not super flat or anything) gone, as well as slimmed down thighs. I know what my shape is, I'm a curvy pear shape who is bottom heavy. I know I'll always have a big butt and bigger thighs. He said he's fine with that (he actually likes my butt as is), but he just wants all the overly excess weight gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imoutfront Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Ok. I obviously got the wrong end of the stick there. I thought he'd told you he'd prefer it if you were blonde etc. He needs to realise you'll lose the weight at your own time and pace and pushing it will make matters worse. I do not think your doomed though. The only thing that worries me is he doesnt know if he loves you or not yet. Are you happy with the relationship otherwise? No he didn't say he'd prefer if I were blonde, just that he prefers them in general. Other than this issue, yes, I'm very happy with our relationship. Simply put, we enjoy each other's company, make each other laugh (we have a quirky sense of humor that we both get). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 hmm.. I don't think its hopeless. I guess what worries me is that its coming off that you need to be a size 8 for him to love you. Oh hang on, we may have different understandings of "sizes". Where I'm from, size 6 is the smallest you can get (and is tiny) and size 8 is really slim. Depending on your frame - size 10 is also really slim - if you are short (which you arent) it can be a bit chubby. So I don't know what sizes are for you - but if how he really feels is that you have to look thin for him to love you.. I'd be really worried about that. Id think - what if something happens as I grow older, have kids etc - and I put on weight and can't lose it? He just falls "out of love" or tells me he was never "in love" and leaves? I dont know.. I guess him being honest is at least a good thing but .. it does worry me that he might consider your weight a deal breaker if you are size 12 (which over here - is not hugely overweight) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 No he didn't say he'd prefer if I were blonde, just that he prefers them in general. Other than this issue, yes, I'm very happy with our relationship. Simply put, we enjoy each other's company, make each other laugh (we have a quirky sense of humor that we both get). Then I wish you all the best and I hope you find happiness with him. It could well work out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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