Screwed Up and Now I Start the New Year at Square One Again

[ambguitar]

So its been a few weeks since I've posted on here. I'm still on the road to recovery from what happened to me and I'm still feeling really down about losing my best friend/lover. Here's what happened up until the last time I updated I suppose I'm just kind of writing this to get it all off my chest.

 

So this what happened after my girlfriend of 4 years took me back for a almost a whole weekend, and then tosses me to the curb, after trading me for another guy two months prior. Basically we didn't contact each other at all. I unfriended her on facebook and she blocked me as well so I couldn't even see her profile. Well this all lasted about a week. Actually right up until the clock hit midnight on my birthday. She sends me a text wishing me happy birthday and I send her a text saying thanks. Well this exchange leads to more and to us going to see a movie later on that night (I know I know new years resolution is get more will power). Well I do my best to be friendly, but I just get to it and ask 'what the hell?' right before the movie. Well she tells me that she actually didn't take either of us back in the end and she is single right now, but is waiting for him to get back from a trip a couple weeks later (actually last Tuesday) to see if he'll take her back Well we see the movie (Despicable Me which was surprisingly good) and I take her home. As we say our goodbyes she starts crying and saying she's sorry. She doesn't want to hurt me and that she loves me so much (she's just not in love with me), but she also loves this other guy too. After a little stalling she finally leaves the car and we say goodbye.

 

The next day I text saying that I think I left some food she helped me sneak in to the theater in her bag. She says that I did and that I should come over after work and pick it up along with a book I let her borrow. Well I get there and she's in the shower so her brother let's me in so I can wait for her in her room. She comes in startled to see me, but doesn't ask me to leave. Well after talking a lot and pretending to not be affectionate towards each other I end up spending the night.

 

After that we don't talk for about a week. She then sends me a text saying she misses me. So I send one back saying that she should come over later in the week and watch a movie and also so I could give her her present for Christmas. So cut to that night, she comes over and I give her present. She says she's too tired to watch a movie so once again she spends the night.

 

Next time we talk its the night before New Year's Eve. I'm getting ready for a trip I'm taking the next day to go visit my brother. I call her and as we get talking I blurt out that I want to see her one last time before the New Year starts and she says that I can come over if I want to. Well I go over and we hang out and talk about nerdy things (we're both pretty big nerds). At the the end of I know I should leave since I have an early train to catch the next day, but once again I spend the night. The really bad part is that I only got about 2 hours of sleep so the next day I'm a mess. Well as I'm leaving her place she tells me that this is the last we are going to do this and that we should try to keep our relationship platonic until she can figure out what's going on with this other guy. The whole time she keeps saying how much she loves me. Well I have to say goodbye since I'm running late and race home to finish getting ready for what turned out to be really fun weekend with my brother and sister in law. That was the last time we have talked since then. I did send her a happy New Year text when it hit, but got no reply.

 

So its been almost 2 weeks since we've last talked. I get really strong urges to contact her almost every day, but I know if she tells me that she is back with the other guy it would probably devastate me so I know its for the best that I leave her alone or at least let her initiate the contact. It's funny she did tell me why she tossed me to the curb that fateful weekend. She had a few reasons like I'm not motivated enough for her, that I'm 29 and still living with a parent, and also that I'm not much a clubber or that I don't like to go out dancing at all. It always killed her while we were dating that I never wanted to go out and do that stuff. That's why she apparently likes this new guy since he's almost the exact opposite as me in all those aspects. I do agree with her on that these are things that I need to work on (well except the clubbing/dancing one. Just not my scene at all). Oh well here's to the New Year and making some big goals and sticking to them.

[ambguitar]

Ah shoot I meant to post this in the healing after breakup forum. Oh well...