findingmeandyou Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Hi Everyone, After much debating and some bad fights recently with my fiancee, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I need to go to counseling. What I've started to notice is that I am taking small things in our relationship, and blowing them up to bigger things that remind me of situations I've been in a past abusive relationship from several years ago. Through some perspective given on here, I'm realizing that my fiancee has her annoying quirks like anyone else, but I'm just failing to control my negative thinking and angry reactions. We had an argument this weekend, where while she was in the wrong and frustrating me, I took it much more seriously and raised my voice to her. I don't want to do that anymore, and while everything is still fine between us, I worry that I might be risking my future marriage if I don't figure this out. We're getting married in several months, and I'm determined to get this under control before then. So, I'm going to phone a therapist that I've spoken with before and get this going. I think I'm just going to go myself, because I don't see the point in bringing her along. I really would like to tell her this and have her be supportive, but admittedly, I am afraid of this getting out to our family and friends. I don't want people to start doubting me and my ability to get and stay married. I feel like I just need some help. Any words of wisdom or guidance would be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Counseling is confidential like any other medical issue, so you only need to share this information with her or anyone else if you feel like doing so. You can schedule your appointments at lunch hour. I would go to a couple of meetings with the counselor first before telling her, and perhaps ask your counselor about the best way to tell her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
findingmeandyou Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Wanted to talk a little bit about what triggered our argument this weekend. I was really disappointed, because I promised myself I wasn't going to fight with her this weekend. We've been getting into arguments over stupid, silly things probably every other week or sometimes once a week. I was driving her so she could buy her wedding dress. It started snowing, and the place was 90 min away, so I offered to drive her to make sure she was safe. My mom called and asked us to do something that involved changing our plans in a few weekends. My fiancee and I were going to meet this priest at a local church for lunch, but my mom called and asked if we would meet my brother's fiancee's parents, because they are invited to our wedding, and we haven't met them yet. I told my mom we had other plans that weekend, but she asked if we would please change them. I figured it would be ok, so I told my mom we would come. After I got off the phone, I told my fiancee that I had messed up the plans. I shouldn't have scheduled to meet with the priest when my mom was trying to schedule this. My mom told me about this weeks ago, but no specific date, so I figured I was in the clear. I figured that meeting my brothers future family was to be prioritized and that my fiancee would feel the same way. After I got off the phone, my fiancee took this very annoyed tone and told me that I wasn't considering her. She also asked me why I hadn't checked with her on what her plans were that day. I knew we were meeting the priest and had no other plans that afternoon, so I didn't think it would be a big deal. I kept admitting that I messed up, and she kept saying that I was not being considerate and hsould have asked her. One thing lead to another - an argument broke out and I yelled at her. I do feel awful about it. I told her that she was acting stuck up and like the queen of sheeba. I was annoyed, because she was calling me inconsiderate when I was driving her to make sure she was safe in the bad weather. What I realize is that I should not have screamed at her like I did. When she started telling me I was inconsiderate, I should have realized that I was stressed about driving for a few hours in the snow and just told her sorry we can talk about this later. I seem to have difficulty in shutting down and calming down when she pushes my buttons like that. The wind up has been that I say things that hurt her feelings, and I feel like a bad person for saying them and she feels like a bad person when she's spoken to that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 It sounds like you two need to learn to fight without name calling and labelling each other... i.e., she shouldn't call you 'inconsiderate' when that was not your intention, and you shouldn't say she's stuck up like the Queen of Sheba. She also shouldn't keep after you once you've apologized. All the arrangements for a wedding and the time leading up to it can be very stressful for everyone. Perhaps what you really need is a little pre-marital counseling before you marry to teach you both how to fight fairly? There will always be disagreements and conflicts of interest between two people, and you just need to learn how to resolve them without fights getting out of hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
findingmeandyou Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I decided to go ahead and make the appointment for counseling. I've not told her yet, and I'm going to take the advice that suggests that I not say anything until after a few sessions. I think I want to get my arms around what's going on first with me before I say anything to her. What I'm really having a hard time with right now is shaking the feeling that she might leave me. It really scares me and makes me nervous. Anyone ever been here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Anyone might leave... it is just the risk with relationships in general. But i think she is less likely to leave if the fighting stops and she knows you are working very hard not to fight with her and to build a better relationship. So going to a counselor on your own is a good idea and talk this out with the counselor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geekgirl4 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Hmm, I think she should have dropped it when you apologized and said it wasn't your intention. I think you should keep in mind that marriage, and especially planning a wedding is something partners should do together and be on the same page about. I hear planning a wedding can make or break a couple. Talking to your partner about plan changes is a must, regardless of wedding or not. I think she's a bit high strung from the planning, which is why she ragged on you harder than necessary. Keep her in mind when you make decisions and be respectful by talking to her about them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 In marriage, NEVER make plans without consulting your spouse...EVER!!!! It's the kiss of death. What you did was totally out of line. You cancelled plans you made as a couple in favor of something YOUR MOTHER WANTED!!! How was she supposed to take that? I would have probably cancelled the dress and had a good, long, period of considering if either one of you was ready for marriage. Yes, she should have accepted you apology, but was it sincere and did you call your mother back and cancel you plans with her? Think about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windycitygal Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 In marriage, NEVER make plans without consulting your spouse...EVER!!!! It's the kiss of death. What you did was totally out of line. You cancelled plans you made as a couple in favor of something YOUR MOTHER WANTED!!! How was she supposed to take that? I would have probably cancelled the dress and had a good, long, period of considering if either one of you was ready for marriage. Yes, she should have accepted you apology, but was it sincere and did you call your mother back and cancel you plans with her? Think about it. EXACTLY. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but it was highly inconsiderate of you to do this. That being said, you're doing the right thing by going to counseling. Kudos to you and I hope you're able to see things more clearly and with a cooler head. I wish you two all the best together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse love Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 EXACTLY. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but it was highly inconsiderate of you to do this. That being said, you're doing the right thing by going to counseling. Kudos to you and I hope you're able to see things more clearly and with a cooler head. I wish you two all the best together I definitely agree with you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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