Family hatred beyond repair.

[sidney]

Hi I've a family issue which is destroying me and has done all my life.

As a boy I grew up with horrendous head-aches, at times so bad I couldn't get to school. These headaches were so frequent it effected my education. The hardest thing though was how my parents just thought I was skiving off school. I remember times when i had my Dads finger in my face shouting at me that it wasn't normal to have this many head-aches and that i was simply lying to skip school and stay in bed. In my final year I fitted in class and went to hospital where I was wrongly diagnosed as fainting. My dad told me I wasn't sleeping enough (as if it were my own fault) a few months later my uncle who was aware of my headaches told my mum to get me a brain scan. A few months later I was diagnosed with a brain tumour on the day of my prom night, the day when you've finished all your exams and say goodbye to all your school friends. The Tumour had made my exams almost impossible to achieve. I remember blacking out in my maths exam and waking up with 30 mins to go. I remember telling my family what had happened but no one seemed to take notice.

After the brain op was done and the tumour was at long last removed I was back at home. Only a matter of days back I was arguing with my dad, it escualated and got violent with my dad restraining me down, I think I fitted whilst this happened but remember my older sister (19 at the time) picking up a metal Scooter and hitting me as hard as she could with it. I remember seeing the hatred in her face as she swang the scooter at me and it hurt loads.

I managed to escape and ran out of the house, whilst my mum and dad were threating to call the police on me. This was the beginning of the next 3 years.

 

My family have always treated me as if I've been a bag full of excuses all my life and can't accept the hardship I've been through. Only a matter of months after having a brain tumour removed at 16 years old, I went on to find out I had a chronic knee injury brought on by growth pains when I was young. I had an unsuccesful operation and was told I could never do sport again. This was the hardest news of them all as I was the most sporting child in my family and even at school. I played football, Rugby, Cricket all the time. My passion was sport. After the operation on my knee, I then had to spend 2 months on crutches. Again whilst I was on crutches I recievied no support from my parents. I found myself having to do alot for myself on crutches without much support from family. I lost all senses in my hands which became unusable because of the amount I was on thw crutches. It took me about 6 months to get using my hands again, being a guitarist this was very hard to deal with. I felt like I was really on my own by 16. I never once got an apology from parents for all those times they had me down as a lyer. They can't apologise to me. I think the reasons for this is thier proffesion. They're both teachers and in their lives they're the ones who you apologise to.

 

All this has built up alot of frustration towards my family. I have a very bad knee and hate walking on it but yet I still have my dad encouraging me to walk places rather than get taxis. My mum very rarely ever gives me lifts in her car but yet will drive my sisters to near train stations and pick them up when called to save them the walk.

Its hard to take because they never believed my headches and now its like they dont believe my knee problems even so they know I have got a bad knee.

 

I got very isolated at home after all these issues my life became very boring and lonely. I became unemployed and started smokng weed. I started fighting alot with my Dad. He used to ring the police just as much. I admit I was probably hell to live with at times but all I wanted was acceptance.

My relationship with my siblings is horrible. I have one older sister (3 years older) a younger sister (1 year younger) and a younger brother (6 years younger). They are all doing very well in life, all getting brilliant exam results and sucessful jobs. My mum and dad are very proud and protective of them. I remember at times asking my younger brother for a little help with my laptop which always resulted in me getting told to * * * * off and get a life. I couldn't take it and would always stand up for myself. my brother would then raise his voice so that one of our parents would come running up (usually my dad) and without even asking whats going on I'd get the telling off and humiliation of being labelled a pest by my dad.

 

AS the years went on the arguments got worse. My dad used to tell me how everyone knew about me and my behaviour. He compared me to his family when ever there were an argument so that he could show me what a failure I was.

It got to the point where I couldn't carry on and took a very high overdose of parcetamol and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks in which my dad didn't once come and see me, he even to this day likes to mention that time as a time when i was feeling ill as if i had caught a cold.

2 months later and I was kicked out on the streets. I was homeless with nothing. Luckily I managed to get myself into a homelss shelter and then later moved into a ymca hostel. The ymca hostel had youngsters my age living there who all had issues, issues much much worse than mine. They were all heavy drug addicts on heroin, crack etc. One of the boys was even renting himself for money. I knew i was in the wrong place. During the time I was there I had this extreme rash cover all my body resulting in this awful itch I could scratch as it were under my skin. The doctors couldn't diagnose it. It wasn't allowing me to sleep and I felt very weak. I went to my parents home and wanted to see if I could stay there for a bit to get over this illness. My dad wasn't happy and again didn't believe how serious my illness was, he got angry and basically made me know I wasn't wanted. My mum didn't care either. I was so hurt I ripped all the pictures they had of me down from the walls and then left to go back to the hellhole I was in to cope with this mystery illness. After a month it was gone. I didn't contact my family for a further 4 months (which my parents still claim never happened).

In that 4 months I started to love myself again, I became a much better person, more confident and optimistic. I decided I needed to escape this drug house I was in and fleed off to the belaric islands in the meditterean on my own to find new people and get a job in the sun. It worked a treat.

 

I was living with people who had all said what a joy it was to live with me. They all made me feel valued. They gave me something I'd never felt before, respect.

It was the happiest time of my life and I had found out I wasn't as bad as I was starting to think.

Sadly when the summer came to an end I returned home. It was my brithers birthday on my first day back and my parents took us all to a theme park. I was very down that day because i was back, but I had a sense of being a better and stronger man. That day though was indication of my problems. My 2 sisters spent the day giving me horrible looks when ever they had a chance, it was like I was a mass murderer. Even after the mad and life changing journey I'd just been on, I still was getting looked and spoken to like a piece of * * * * . For the next week it seemed to really bother my sisters that I was back. They held meetings with my mum about me, I think because they couldn't handle me not losing my temper and actually getting on with my parents. It was like i was hurting them by being loved. I once even put my hand out to my older sister to shake hands and make peace only to get a response of "I dont know where your hands been".

Since then I've been returning to Ibiza. I've meet some really intresting people out there. I meet this man who was once a psychiartic nurse. He got to know me well and told me all about how I have a very unique mental design which gives me the chance to do well in life and even be influencial. He could tell though that my family was effecting me. He told me about pychology within the family and how it's very common for a family member to get treated in the way I am. He told me that my family wont even realise what they're doing and there is nothing I can ever do about it.

 

When I went home I wanted to see the things he told me and yes I was becoming even more aware of what i was told. At the dinner table I'll ask if my brother wants a drink, he'll not respond until my parents ask him for me, then he responds. I'll walk into a room where all my family are sitting, everyone stops talking. If I make a conversation with someone in the living room, the TVs volume starts to increase so it drowns me out. My mum dosen't even say hello to me when she sees me, her reasons are thats shes too tired. My mum is very fond of the TV and has very little time for a conversation.

My brothers and sisters act like an angels around relatives, friends and neighbours. They wouldn't dare speak to me in the way they do when outsiders are in the house. This makes everyone think I'm the one whose surely the wrongen. They put up such a front it makes me cringe. My Mum pretends that she talks and smiles to me when anyone else is about as if we always get on. Its like my family are more concerned about what everyone else thinks rather than themselves.

It now has got to the point where the atmosphere is unmanagable. I just hide in my room so I avoid it all. Sadly it works. The rest of my family like all sitting around watching dvds together whilst I just sit in my room playing a guitar. If I do go downstairs and sit with them my sisters will try their best to get rid of me whilst my parents pretend they can't see whats happening.

Thakfully I've a few friends who've even told me they can see how my Mum gives me the cold shoulder. She wont listen to me, she prefers to point out my weaknesses.

That mystery illness which no one believed actually became something my mum got a few years later. But she denies I ever got what she had. Mum had to go to hospital, got blood tests and spent along time ill (like myself) but whenever I told her that I went through the exact same thing but on my own in a hostel full of drug addicts, she would just walk away pretty much telling me she went through far worse.

 

My relationship with my dad has becaome alot better now and we go out for a drink now and then. We talk alot to each other and I'm trying to be more open to him. He is a very good person my Dad. He's very generous and kind but just lacks empathy. This I put down to his lack of confidence. My Mum is the one who wears the trousers in the house while my dad does all the cleaning and cooking. So if I ever get arguing with my Mum, Dad comes running up because my dad feels the need to support her even when he has no idea what the argument is about. Alot of the arguments I have with my mum are just ones where I'm telling her to stop being so negative and stop this hatred and spite which is happening infront of there own eyes. She wont and can't take critisim, something I have learnt is one of the most important lessons in life, using critisim constructivley. She often responds telling me I need to get help. It's mental because I have gone for help and was told by a counciler that Its very obvious that the family together needs help not me on my own.

But there is nothing I can do.

 

Next week I'm leaving home to go abroad. I'm considering never returning. The one thing which does upset me is how it would effect my dad as we do get on now and share alot in common. He at times feels like a friend. I dont know what to do but run away, to some that may seem scary but to me its a release from this nightmare I live in. It feels like everyone can see bad things going on but denies they're are happening.

My family are all doing well in health and life, I've not been so lucky therefore I feel have become a target. It seems I make them feel big about themselves because of how bad Im doing in life. That is why they need to see me doing bad and getting laughed at.

[mgirl]

It might do you some good to get some distance and start a new life, for a breath of fresh air, if not anything else.

 

You can then decide on what type of relationship you want with your family.

[Mutlu]

must say, even though i dont know who you are and i have never met you, i truly admire you. You have suffered through so much, gone through all of the toughest points in life, and yet you are still standing strong. Pure admiration is what i have for you. Your story is one of a kind, unique, and inspiring you family surely done not deserve to have a child like you. And i can tell that you will succeed in whatever you choose to do. You have already gone through so much that many of the upcoming challenges that life has in store for everyone will be simple for you. Distance is always good for when things are this bad, and you've already made it this far alone, so you can make it anywhere.