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Jealous of my Husbands female co worker


Tari
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Found this forum whilst trawling the web for advice. I'm hoping someone here can help me understand what's happening to me.

 

Married for 2 yrs, to the funniest, most loving man I ever met. We have wide social life, lots of friend male and female. I have never been jealous in my entire life and always prided myself in being laid back and understanding in my relationships.

 

My husband is a car mechanic and out of the blue his boss got him a workmate, that turned out to be a petite, dark haired, beautiful Italian woman, some 18 years younger than me.

 

When I first found out, my head literally went numb. I stood for what seemed like an eternity in this place of total silence, everything moving slowly around me and I was sure I was about to faint. After the initial shock, I was very angry. Angry at my husbands boss, then angry at my husband for actually liking her, then angry at myself for not being as beautiful and capable as this woman.

 

Then the chaos hit my perfect marriage. The jealousy that has risen inside of me, has turned me into a hateful person. I hate this woman. I don't even know her, I hate my husband every time he mentions her and I can't stand him touching or loving me when he is home because he has spent his entire day in her company.

 

I actually trawled friends of friends facebook accounts until I found her just to check out her photographs. She is devastatingly beautiful with a personality to match, worst of all she finds my husband funny and she apparently hangs off his every word.

 

My husband admitted he doesn't want to come home anymore, I badger him for information on what every last aspect of their day together. He says he loves me and she is a work colleague and that's it, but I just can't stand it.

 

I basically want ME back. I know the problem lies within myself, but these feelings are so strong I can't control them. I have change so much over the last 6 months I don't think anyone hardly recognises me. I've lost interest in myself, my friends, my job. My every moment is eaten by the knowledge my husband spends 8 hours a day with this woman.

 

Everyone around me says, she is lovely I don't understand why you just can't like her. Which makes me worse. I want her to be a crap mechanic and lose her job. Reality of it she is bloody marvellous at what she does.

 

Can someone please help me understand what is going on here and help me get back on track before my marriage is beyond redemption.

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Have you thought about seeing a therapist and explaining your feelings to them? How about counseling for you and your husband? I can only imagine that as difficult as this is for him, she is his colleague and if you continue with the hatred it can possibly make him not want to come home at all.

Think of this as a test of yourself, put some nice clothes on, fix your hair and makeup and make a lunch for your husband and take it to him suggest you have a lunch together nearby, this will show her you are not threatened and that besides being work colleagues, they are nothing more. It will also show your husband that his wife is back, the one that he loved for so long and it will also show him that you are confident in him, yourself and your marriage.

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The problem is you are so afraid of him being more captivated by this woman that you are actually setting the wheels in motion for this to happen. By falling apart at the seams and becoming this insanely jealous, insecure woman, you are turning into a shell of your former self...not the woman your husband married. It is when spouses change and become difficult to deal with that the other person starts losing interest and then you run the risk of the partner straying. You need to pull yourself together and recognize your own strengths. It is not this woman's youth and beauty that will result in his interest beyond work, it will be because he has lost the woman he truly loves as she has morphed into a person he no longer recognizes. Go back to the loving, charming, interesting wife you used to be.

 

 

Tari, if you have more posts on this forum you will be able to get PMs from people who may not want to post their story on here but would have some valuable insight for you.

Edited by Crazyaboutdogs
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Hey Tari... You are awesome to recognize this in yourself and want to change it. Jealousy is one of those visceral emotions that completely overrules the mind and colors your entire world. If you don't fix it, you will create the exact situation that you're afraid of. I'm a victim of jealousy gone out of control and its really hard to put with. If you care about your guy and your marriage, go get yourself a head mechanic and get a tune up If you don't, you will create the situation you fear, but you won't remember that -- you'll just feel justified, and then life for you both will go straight to hell...

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I don't think it's wrong to feel this way. I myself suffer from extreme jealousy and it's hard to control it with so many beautiful manipulative girls out there. But it's true...we need to stop before we dig our own marriages' graves. If your husband wants to touch you after having spent all day with this beautiful woman, you should feel happy and secure because it means he still loves you that much.

 

What I think would be a great idea is trying to befriend this woman. Try to get to know her--she sounds friendly and easy to talk to. Maybe if you earn her respect she will just become another close family friend, not a threat. And she will respect you enough to not lay a hand on your husband when she sees that you guys are a unit. If everyone says she is so great, then I'm sure she is sweet and respectful, not a husband-stealer. She likely just idolizes your husband for his skills. And a girl like that doesn't say single for long...she'll surely find a boyfriend soon enough.

 

Your husband married you for a reason. I don't think he would throw away all his memories with you for a girl he just met. If you have children then all the more reason not to worry. So don't push your husband away! Easier said than done right? But we need to do this for the men we love!

 

with empathy,

periwinkle

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OK, you've lost it here and know it.

 

The world is FULL of beautiful women, and frankly studies show that men more frequently have affairs with women who are not all that beautiful, but who rather provide them with the emotional support they are missing in the marriage (or to relieve boredom or because they are angry with their wives or feel they are missing something in their marriage). So if your marriage is good, and he's a good guy, he won't cheat even if he works with a supermodel.

 

And it is actually kind of insulting to all women to suspect and be enraged by a women just because she works with your husband. That is not her fault nor your husband's fault nor any guarantee they will have an affair. Most women work these days, so husbands will work with women, just the name of the game and not grounds to think she's some cheater just because she's female.

 

Your feelings are more about your own insecurities and really indicate you need to get some personal counseling immediately to save your marriage. You need to talk with a therapist about why you would go off the deep end over a woman who works with your husband and start cyber stalking her and comparing her to you etc. The truth is there are millions of women in this world for your husband to cheat with, but he chose to marry you and wants to be with you (or at least before you went psycho on the woman he works with).

 

But you need professional help to deal with your insecurity/jealousy since this is way over the top and not based on anything they are doing.

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This is why I can't see myself getting married or in a long term relationship. I have a jealousy problem and I'm not even in a relationship or married. I get angry when I see two attractive people together.

 

I know how you feel...like you've lost control of yourself and upset because you just want this woman to go away. But even if this woman went away, there will always be other pretty women out there that your husband comes accross. I agree with what lavendardove said, I think you need to work on your insecurities and fine someone professional to talk to. They will give you advice on how to speak to your husband about this without instigating an argument.

 

You can tell each other how much you love each other all you want, but you also need to feel attracted to each other. You said that this woman finds your husband funny and probably even attractive. So maybe it would help if you make him feel funny and make him feel attractive. Try dressing sexy and being seductive to him every once in a while. When two people are married, sometimes that "spice" fades away because they get too used to each other. He probably misses that. But still see a therapist first because I don't know if my advice is right.

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I dated a very, very jealous girl who would get mad if she thought I even glanced at a pretty girl walking down the other side of the street. Once she took me outside of a restaurant to yell at me for having "exchanged glances" with an unattractive girl on the other side of the room. She was even jealous of ugly girls!

 

I was always faithful to her, always careful never to even give the appearance of flirting with another girl. In the end her jealousy is what killed the relationship, not my imagined infidelities. I just couldn't take the abuse anymore.

 

Get your jealousy under control immediately or your relationship is doomed. I can tell you from first hand experience. You'll end up alienating your husband and probably pushing him into the other girl's arms.

 

My best advice: Go and get to know the girl. Invite her to dinner at your house with your husband. Your jealousy is creating a you vs. them situation and it's going to get worse. Bring yourself into the mix, and who knows, you might actually end up good friends. At the very least you'll be announcing, "He's mine, don't touch" and most girls will back off (if she's even interested in him). Cheaper and more effective than therapy.

Edited by TexasDude
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  • 2 weeks later...

You sound like you have some issues you need to deal wtih. You sound so insecure.

 

 

 

When I first found out, my head literally went numb. I stood for what seemed like an eternity in this place of total silence, everything moving slowly around me and I was sure I was about to faint. After the initial shock, I was very angry. Angry at my husbands boss, then angry at my husband for actually liking her, then angry at myself for not being as beautiful and capable as this woman.

 

Then the chaos hit my perfect marriage. The jealousy that has risen inside of me, has turned me into a hateful person. I hate this woman. I don't even know her, I hate my husband every time he mentions her and I can't stand him touching or loving me when he is home because he has spent his entire day in her company.

 

That's alittle ...

You need to talk to him about your insecurities bc they seem pretty serious.

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  • 1 month later...

OMG!!!!!OMG!!!! I can't believe it!!!!

I can't believe I'm not alone!!!!!!IEVERt's like everything you said is what I feel ,EVERYTHING!!!!EVERY WORD!!!!!

We have been married for 17 years we have 4 teenage kids and I work full time,I'm 37 (but look a lot younger)and shes 25 I'm goodlooking, but she is better looking and has a lot more time to take care of her self,

I have the same thing going on in my life for the last 5 years.Every thing you feel I feel,mad with his boss,mad at him,mad with her,but mostly mad at ME,because I can't deal with it.

I have tride all of the above!the best advice is to get to know her,but DO NOT INVITE HER TO YOUR HOUSE,maybe for some coffee at a caffee. I tried that ,and I'm sure It would have helped if she was not so rude,so what I did was be really nice to her but she would only talk to my husband and ignor me.That made me feel really bad BUT that made her look really bad to my husband!!!!

But to tell you the truth I think that If you get to meet her and shes nice ,then you will feel a lot better!!

Hope all gose well deal with it as soon as posible the longer you feel like this the worst it gets believe ME

hope I helped,I know you helped me ,

thank you so much

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Reading your post I thought I was reading my own words. My husband is a mechanic as well and recently a women age 25 (our age) was hired to work in the office. I was devasted to hear this and have been in mental torment ever since. Now granted my husband and I have been together since the age of fourteen almost ten years ago. Throughout our relationship he has formed many crushes and even an emotional affair with one girl in particular. We were very young but this has impacted my self esteem in ways that I really dont know who I am anymore. And to top it off I caught him in so many lies it's unreal and there are no telling how many more I dont know about. He held onto some lies for years and years before confessing. I believe he has changed and has become a wonderful husband, father, and provider but a part of me still cant trust him because I dont want to get hurt again.

In my circumstance it is so hard for me to know he is up there with her he has admitted she is attractive in his eyes when I asked and I was thankful for his honesty because I already knew the answer. But he assures me I have nothing to worry about and promises to tell me if anything arises between them I should know of. But I really cant stand the thought that he is up there flirting with her and possibly comparing her qualities with mine. I consider myself just as attractive if not more then her but when it comes to him I feel so insecure. We have been fighting a lot lately and I have realized that all I can do is look my best for him and draw him to me by being fun, supportive to his needs, a good house wife, and a good mother. But I feel torn because I have noticed him taking more time on his appearance and I dont know how to take this really. I just wish I knew what went on up there so I could know the truth but that isnt so simple. But just know you are not alone and I feel your pain. Just try to focus on your good qualities anytime you get one of those terrible thoughts of what may be going on between them or when you think something is wrong with you. Good luck

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My husband just got a message from an out of state co-worker saying, "Sorry, I meant to send that to the group. I couldn't resist saying hi to you." Big smiley face after the comment too.

 

I feel your pain.

 

That was a joke, says my husband. A joke from a woman 15 years younger than my husband. And he met her for only 30 minutes or so during orientation. Or that is what he said.

 

At times I'd much rather be a single woman. That is no lie.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi Tari, you sound like a very nice woman. There is a lot of good advice given to you so far save for the starrgrl person who doesn't seem to live in reality so far as I can tell. No matter. I happened upon your question on google whilst trying to seek info on my own roots of insecurty/jealousy and how to deal with it. Here's how I see it. You are a sensative and intuned human (hello! We are women!) And your feelings are absolutely valid. VALID, own it. It's OK to feel this way! If you find the woman attractive and intriguing, chances are, your husband does too. And that may be ok!...??? So long as you can TRY (I say this bc I know it can be so stinkin hard!) to keep your cool and composure, you two can make it through this difficult experience. Women like us are intuitive and smart and behind our belts is some knowledge like A. Men are most likely to have fantasies or affairs w women in the workplace. B. Your man has good taste (clearly, he is with YOU, out of his own free will and choice.) C. Women, especially some attractive ones, seek the attention of males and know they can use their sexuality to manipulate those around them, i.e. easier hours, more understanding if they or their kids are "sick" etc. We know how we use our sexuality and we aren't naive to the fact that other women are going to do the same around men.Duh. and D. Some women, depending on their personalitites, are attracted to the "taken man" as a challenge. OK, all this being said, don't panic. Best case scenerio, she is a brut butch who hates men, or has a man that she is absolutely in love with ~down to~ worst case, she has her sights on your man, or is using using her sexualtiy to get away with things in the workplace. My very best suggestion is to become her best-friend. (Hello, new bestie! OK, maybe painful at first!?) Take her in, get to know her and use your intuition to then judge her true intentions or use your friendship to win her over and any sexual tension will dicipate~voila!~ and poof-it's gone- bc at the end of the day, if she is a good person, she will want to respect and love YOU as a friend and be more intuned to YOUR friendship than your man, bc, well he's just that, "your man", and she CAN'T see him in any other light or perspective. You have just taken him out of the equation completely! (You genius, you!) I wouldn't say "don't invite her over to your home." Not the issue at all. But invite her into YOUR life and maybe even one day, when you're friends, confess your "silly" jealousy of her and you two will laugh about it and your life will be the richer for it. I know for me, I never worry about my friends with my husband.They are MY people, even if they are drop dead gorgeous, (which I consider myself to be when I can tear away from the three kids and use my make-up artist skills for myself for a change!) I am comfortable to say " honey, she is beautiful and I love her to bits!" ANd you may just find a new friend for life that you and your hubby can be comfortable with. Especially when he feels comfortable to say to you "yeah, I guess she's pretty and all, but she can be rude and lazy!" or maybe he will respect her and that's ok too. BUT You take her away from him and him away from her if you play this game smart. If you create tension and conflict there will always be tension and conflict so long as she is in your lives. Had an experience with one of my besties. We first met, this gorgeous UBER-blond and I, when my husband started back a firm he used to work for. I was married to my hubs with 2 kids and she was "dating" his co-worker. She is stunning, redicuous! She didnt say a word to me and I didnt say a word to her. Later that night I said she was the most insecure person I'd ever met to ignore ME that way! We hated eachother and later after the end of our second meeting/night out, we found that we were two silly peas in a pod. We both divulged that we were jealous of eachother and we still laugh 5 years later about it. Those two love-birds are getting married and she is one of my fave people in the world. We both thought the other was gorgeous and interesteing. We admire eachother and I listed her house (I'm a realtor/make-up artist) and she does my hair (shes the best hairstylist in the city) and we are both good-hearted loving girls/women who were born with basic good looks and style, and all the crap that comes with that. Sweetest girl I have ever met. Had I shut her off, my life would not be the same. I truly hope you take this to heart. This is pronb the only way, save for her being fired, that you can find peace! Get to know her. She may surprise you.

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Is it just me or does anyone else feel it would be a little weird to be invited to coffee by a co-worker's wife in an obvious attempt to become a friend?

 

How would that conversation start exactly? Phone her up out of the blue? "Oh, by the way, I am Darryl's wife and I thought it would be nice if we went for a coffee together" - doesn't that seem a little random?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sorry for reviving such an old post. Yes, I agree that it would be weird to do that out of the blue. I could see, however, making a point to meet and get to know this person at a company get-together or some other function with co-workers and their spouses. I'm in a similar situation, only I'm the husband with the jealous wife. My wife refuses to even meet my co-worker. I don't know what to do. I'm always in trouble because I don't call/text my wife or respond to her texts quickly enough. It's stressing me out.

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I don't call/text my wife or respond to her texts quickly enough. It's stressing me out.

 

Well, what's the background here? Have you ever given her reason not to trust you? Are you interested in someone at work? Or has your wife always been jealous?

 

I'm not accusing you, obviously, since I know nothing about your situation. But from my experience, the flirty men at work are usually the ones with jealous wives. No surprise there.

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I think it's a little unfair, even by implication, to blame the victim of a jealous spouse by assuming that they must be doing something to provoke the jealousy. That ignores the fact that there are some people who are jealous by nature no matter how innocent their spouse may be - they will always find something to complain about.

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  • 8 months later...

This is just my honest opinion so don't go crazy on me.

 

WOW...I am not a jealous person by any means but now I understand that women really do get jealous of other attractive women and refuse to ever get to know who they really are on the inside!!!

 

I cannot believe you feel all those negative emotions towards this girl! You do not even know her. Your husband clearly loves you or else he would have cheated on you already. But given your extreme jealousy you should speak to a counsellor or else it's going to be death of your relationship. No husband wants to come home to hear his wife speak like that towards his co-worker!

 

Damn, can't we all just be nice and supportive of each other? Why is it that whenever we see an attractive woman talking to our man we get all protective and go all out war on the good looking people?

 

I am a victim of a group of highly insecured green eye monsters at work who make my everyday miserable. They ask me every day when I am going to get fat. Very unprofessional. They are just jealous because I get (1) uninvited male attention (2) got a promotion cos I worked my butt off whereas they prefer to gossip than work (3) at the time I had a great boyfriend compared to their husbands (4) I am the youngest to make it to this group. They cannot say I am not smart because I do my job well. They cannot say I flirt with men because I only talk to them about work. I only hang out with female co-worker to avoid any talk. After my promotion they got even more jealous and ruder. As a result I am looking outside the company as there is no opportunity internally anyways. I am going to let these insecure women fight among themselves while I move onto a better position at another company. They are unhappy with themselves and feel the need to bring down other women. It's easier to pick on others and bully them to feed their ego and deny their laziness to maintain themselves both physically and mentally.

 

There are people out there who are beautiful on the inside and the outside. There are always people who are more attractive and smarter than you and me. Why do so many women compare themselves to others? It's best to be happy with who you are. We are all special and unique in our own way. Not every attractive woman uses her good looks to get ahead in life. Work with what you have and bring out the best in you. Being confident and happy with who you are is more beautiful than being an insecure attractive individual. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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  • 1 month later...
I know this is an old thread..but maybe the husbands co worker is a lesbian...hence working as a mechanic. Not knocking it, just saying...so she might be jealous over a whole lot of nothing based on this woman's appearance alone.
In this day and age the fact a woman is doing a job that was done more by males in generations past does not mean she is likely to be a lesbian.
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Wow Im happy to read this. When I was 26 yrs old I worked for a mechanic as well. His wife took one look at me &not even 2wks later I was fires. Wanna know the saddest part. He NEVER hit on me & wasnt my type at all. His wife was older but she was stunning. She was so jealous of me & all she had to do was have confidence. U need to visit him more looking stunning. Mark territory all while being nice to her. NEVER tell her she intimidates u. Bake him food. Get ur MoJO back. And by GOD give him some sex!!!

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In addition she may be happily taken, gay, straight, you never know. When he comes home sex him good. Remind him of what he has at home. Remind him of how hot and sexy u can be. Join a gym. I know many older women who blow younger women out the box. i know ur going crazy but its ok. Its normal to be territorial. You saw green when u saw her. Than u drove urslelf further nuts by pulling that facebook stalking stunt. Cant say I never did it. lol Just get ur sexy back and show up looking hot. leave him in awe!

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