Life's Good!!

[paulod]

Hey All,

Hope this finds you all well and in good spirits

 

Well it’s been a few weeks since I last posted or really looked in, felt I needed a break, reading some of the posts just seemed to get me down, made me think about how I was not so long ago, so I took a much needed chillout and stayed away. Even took a few weeks off work, didn’t realise just how little holiday time I’d taken this year what with all that’s been going on. I totally downed tools for 3 solid weeks, no work whatsoever, no gym, no 4 hrs travelling back and forth to work…just an abundance of rest, sleep (man did I sleep!!) good food and yep… man time at the pub!! stuck a wee bit of weight back on but hey that’s no bad thing, it’s winter and I need an extra layer of the good stuff to keep those winter chills off! The break, I’m happy to say, did me the world of good, so am reporting back for duty, fighting fit and raring to go

 

December already? Yikes!! It’s been a year since that god awful blazing row the ex and I had, 10 months since she ended it, can’t really believe it’s gone so fast? The events seem like they happened just the other month? Odd isn’t it? I look back at the person I was, it’s like looking at someone else, was that person really me? How did I get like that? A nervous wreck, co-dependent, no self esteem, jealous ,I was very sad, stressed and emotionally worn out with what was going on with her , and probably only a few steps away from being in serious financial trouble, I just buried my head in the sand hoping it would all go away, none of it mattered because I was with her… yeah very stupid of me, I neglected my own priorities to concentrate on her, daft I know.

 

Sigh… looking back, I don’t know how I didn’t have a breakdown? Maybe I did and didn’t realise it?? the last 6 weeks of the relationship after that last fight was bad, I really was in a state, alcohol every night to numb the pain, she was distancing herself from me, I was becoming needy, clingy, everything that’s unattractive in a person I probably was. When she finally ended it beginning of Feb I was pretty much emotionally exhausted and used up, it finally all just got too much for me. As for her, I remember her saying that she loved me, but was very bitter and twisted about stuff that was said between us , of course I got the full blame for the relationship meltdown, suppose that’s her way of justifying her ending it, she chose to run rather than fight. Me, I would have kept fighting for us, but then that’s just me I guess.

Sooo after about a month or so of doing some kind of “lets txt and meet up for breaks at work, like we can be friends” routine (that was not the wisest of moves) it was NC time! And that was probably the hardest thing mentally I’ve done for a very long time. Every part of me just wanted to call her, text her, tell her how I felt but would have only made me worse, she knew how I felt about her, I told her then I let her be.

 

I had to sort me out, learn to make me my priority, for the first time in what seemed like forever I was able to concentrate totally on me, my problems (financial and emotional) and what a ride that’s been over the last 8 or so months!!! So many ups and downs like you wouldn’t believe!!! Points where I thought I’d never get through this, how can I cope with losing the woman I love? my best friend is gone and is never coming back, will I ever be happy again??? Well d’ya know what… I’ve worked my skinny ar** off this year becoming a better person, it’s an ongoing thing and always will be, financially at last I’m almost there, been very slow to fix but I learned to be patient and make lifestyle changes as and where I can and that’s taken a hell of a weight off me, emotionally, I’m getting there, still a wee bit to go but I’m a happy bunny nowadays, Its great laughing and smiling again!! And I seem to be in everyone’s circle of trust which is cool! Made a stack of new friends, re-connected with loads of old ones, my social life is doing great and I’m enjoying being single, life isn’t too bad at all!! Still got plenty of room for improvement but hey still got a lot of living to do!! I’ve made piece with myself and the past and that’s helped so much, stopped looking for answers when there aren’t any to be found, and stopped blaming myself for everything.

 

As for my ex, I don’t hate her for anything that happened between us, it’s in the past and needs to stay there. She is in my heart and will be for a long time and I wish her all the love and happiness in the world, maybe one day…? Maybe not…? My life will go on regardless. One of the last meaningful txts, we told each other that we loved each other but we have problems that cannot be fixed while we are together, she has her own issues that needs to be sorted just as I have mine and that’s how it was left.

I see her from time to time in the corridor at work, we mostly chat for a bit, laugh, joke… sometimes just a friendly nod and we walk on and get on with our day.

I have no idea how she feels, or what she thinks about it all, whether she’s happy or sad, no real idea about what goes on in her life and she has no real idea what goes on in mine, better that way I think. It makes me sad sometimes to think we were so close, we were almost joined at the hip, and now we seem almost like strangers, suppose this is just another phase and this too will pass in time. I will continue to get on with what I need to and live my life, who knows what’s round the next bend.

 

Take it easy ENA’rs

 

P

[brandnewday47]

Nice update Paul! Great to hear things are going well for you!

[piruru]

Aw, I am so happy for you. This makes me so hopeful for my own recovery!! Hehe sometimes staying off this forum helps more than being on it.

[Jewels7]

Wow, I'm happy for you. I love hearing the positive, hearing how people really do overcome this sort of thing. It gives me hope.