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There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


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Well, it's college. They say that you find love in college - and the ages of the girls are what I'm generally attracted to. I know that sounds shallow, but that's how I feel.

 

And to say that I won't have anything in common with girls that are in my classes is wrong, because we are both taking the same course. Right there is a conversation topic.

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College is a great place to meet a partner. I'm inclined to say that the majority of the population who attends college does end up meeting their mate there. I mean, it's convenient really. You have class together, you eat together, live together, etc. Stuff happens.

 

Of course, I've never dated anyone who goes to my college and don't plan to, but I can see the appeal.

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I hope that you make the most of it and take advantage of being in college, LBS. Once you are out of that environment and begin working, meeting potential girls to date generally becomes much more difficult. I was unlucky and very unfortunate that I never got the meet the right people in university/college.... came away empty handed and never dated. I did try but never got any breaks. My options are a lot more limited nowadays.

 

Sometimes, I feel like a major failure from a social perspective as I couldn't get a single date in college. Almost all of my friends and acquaintances were able to date during those years, except for me. When I look back upon it, absolutely inexcusable. I don't know how that happened but it did.

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I actually don't live in the dorms. But I have an apartment right down the street from my college, which would be convenient if I made friends and we wanted to hang out at my place.

 

I've been in college in some form or another since I was 19 (right out of high school.) My problem is motivation. I think that's my problem with dating, too; it's like I want dating to be easy, and it's not. You have to work for a good grade, just like you have to work for getting a girl interested in you. I've always wanted everything to just fall into my lap, and life just doesn't work that way, I've learned.

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I've messed around with girls in college, but I never looked around and thought "I better get moving on this partner for life thing or I'm screwed once I'm out of here." I would say the new trend is getting married later, and the majority of the people I know are not looking to get married before 25 so I don't think you necessarily have to look at it like a marriage viability hourglass that's waning.

 

Dating is essentially a measure of one's ability to be humorous, confident, assertive, knowledgeable, and socially aware. It's definitely not something that you want to view as being especially intimidating because if you can be all those things you're fine. If not, you put yourself in situations where you kill your discomfort by overexposure to it, and that is the hard part. I hated public speaking until my lit class in high school forced me to give hour long seminars. Now it doesn't bother me.

 

Just don't put time frames on things because that's just unnecessary pressure. College isn't a magical place where relationship goodness manifests itself into something long term easily. If you can get dates in college, you can get them out of it. If you couldn't in college, maybe you can't now, but the common denominator is the person and not the environment.

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I still don't understand why you're insisting on approaching people cold.

 

I just want to make the observation that this thread is starting to have that deja vu feeling to it with your previous threads LBS. Probably months ago there'd be an identical thread where you're saying the exact same things, or more importantly, making the exact same "goal statements" like getting over social anxiety around women you find attractive. Not everyone succeeds at their goals so there's nothing wrong with still struggling with it, but the post sounds like you still haven't even tried. Again just an observation from your posts and time I've seen you on eNA too.

 

This point is a fair one though. For a dateless person who doesn't meet anyone, a cold approach is seemingly the only way and nothing wrong with trying to improve there nonetheless. But from the situations you describe you seem to get plenty of regular chances talking to people whether it be a class or cafe, so I don't quite see why you need to target the cold approach method which is toughest, lowest percentage method of them all, regardless of social anxiety or not.

 

You describe situations where you've had conversations and meets with people. You're already doing a lot better than a lot of people who can't even get a look and basic conversation. You're a lot closer than you think.

 

I hope that you make the most of it and take advantage of being in college, LBS. Once you are out of that environment and begin working, meeting potential girls to date generally becomes much more difficult.

...

When I look back upon it, absolutely inexcusable. I don't know how that happened but it did.

 

Yep that happened to me. When you're out it really hits you. Figuratively I look back staring, shocked at what happened, well or lack of, and yep, absolutely inexcusable. Seriously make the most of it!

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You know that beautifully women are not different from women you find plain. Intellectually, you know this. What is it that you think is different? Do you think pretty women will evaluate you in ways plain women won't? They won't. Average girls usually want the same thing the ones you find beautiful want. What they're attracted to and what turns them off won't be too different either as one's tastes are not a result of one's own level of beauty. They are normal people, albeit lucky ones. That's how I view pretty women. They got lucky. They didn't work for it. It was given to them. Maybe it wasn't given to me. Oh well. But since it took no effort I'm not impressed. When I'm not impressed I'm not intimidated.

 

Are you immediately ridiculously attracted to someone you think is beautiful? Do they have to display anything other than beauty for you to be interested/intimidated by them? The ironic thing about all this is those who freeze up around beautiful women are usually doing so because 95% of their criteria has just been met, so to speak. I'm not accusing you of anything, lol, just curious.

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You know that beautifully women are not different from women you find plain. Intellectually, you know this. What is it that you think is different? Do you think pretty women will evaluate you in ways plain women won't? They won't. Average girls usually want the same thing the ones you find beautiful want. What they're attracted to and what turns them off won't be too different either as one's tastes are not a result of one's own level of beauty. They are normal people, albeit lucky ones. That's how I view pretty women. They got lucky. They didn't work for it. It was given to them. Maybe it wasn't given to me. Oh well. But since it took no effort I'm not impressed. When I'm not impressed I'm not intimidated.

 

I guess you're right, but still, it's the attraction that makes me nervous. Because I feel vulnerable, and I don't like feeling that way.

 

Are you immediately ridiculously attracted to someone you think is beautiful? Do they have to display anything other than beauty for you to be interested/intimidated by them? The ironic thing about all this is those who freeze up around beautiful women are usually doing so because 95% of their criteria has just been met, so to speak. I'm not accusing you of anything, lol, just curious.

 

No, sometimes I'm intimidated by personality as well. And some girls can be scary as well. The idea that all women are delicate flowers is false, because some women are just plain evil.

 

And in those cases, I'm not intimidated, I'm disgusted. It's only in cases where the girl is attractive AND kind that I freeze up.

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I will never marry. I believe I am destined to be alone...because I would rather be alone than be in some of the miserable relationships I have seen just to be in a relationship. You can be very much alone when in a relationship, despite having someone to go on vacations with, go to dinners with, go to functions with and have sex with. I have met some very very lonely, unhappy people in relationships.

 

I just wanted to point out though, CAD, that it's not either/or. I don't feel that you should see yourself as "destined to be alone" because of the fact that miserable relationships are better than none. If you have a miserable relationship, yes, it's better to be alone. But there are non-miserable relationships to be had. Trying to find one entails some risk, but if a person values the prospect of finding a non-miserable relationship quite a lot, taking that risk (with some maturity, being a good judge of character, calculated common sense and intuition) can offer a different "destiny."

 

Are some people "doomed" to be alone? I think the idea that anyone is "doomed" -- which means, predestined -- to anything is baloney. At least in a world where we call other acts of volition "decisions."

 

BALONEY.

 

It's a way to keep rationalizing why your life has stagnated. Because if you can blame it on fate, then it's no longer under your control.

 

If you think along these lines, LBS, while I wouldn't say you're "doomed", I'd say you've made a choice -- whether actively or passively -- to not make changes in your life. That's within your control, so that's not fate. (Unless, as I've said, you see passivity as your destiny as well.)

 

Seeing that you need to be proactive and not being so is a choice.

 

Believing in fate is what I think is dangerous. This might be nitpicking words but I find "no chance I can have sex anytime soon" seems less draining than "I will never have sex". Though I can't explain why, maybe it's just me lol

 

Count me in, Styles. There is no reason to ever use the latter statement. EVER. Until you can reach up into your butt and pull out a crystal ball, I'm gonna say no one has dibs on the word "never" or "forever".

 

I would also say that you should get off that forum, no matter whom you like there, or else stay in contact with a few via email or private message. But cease participating in the forum, or even reading the posts. There are a couple of forums I don't frequent that deal with specific issues I have because at the end of a session, I note that in even subtle ways, I feel more despairing than hopeful. If you're in a place that reinforces all your weaknesses and worst fears, it's basically just a cloud of negative indulgence in the problem. If people who are supposed to bring eachother up and give constructive advice call you "ugly" in such a setting, that tells you you're in the wrong place. Being there is like going to a multiple sclerosis support group and people are saying, "I'm a worthless cripple now and you will be soon, too, just you watch." If a place leaves you thinking, "is there a purpose for guys like that, and how does their fate implicate mine?" then you're in an emotionally imprisoning place. I don't care whatever else is said...you've got to leave. Not "think about" leaving. LEAVE.

 

Stop ruminating and DO things, LBS.

 

A few lesser points before I get to my main point.

 

Read what Richpart has written again and again and again. You don't need to use sleight of hand to mesmerize a woman to your charms. You simply need to use circumstance-specific, non-generic observations and questions, and use playful humor (which yes, includes teasing that is not mean but does make them laugh about something innocuously amusing about themselves or you, or both). Women don't respond well to general "how's the weather?" questions, and the truth is that flirtation is in the most mundane of lines.

 

Flirtatious lines that SOUND like flirtation do come accross as "creepy", or else pushy, overly forward and desperate. Your asking "how can I come accross as sexy and attracted" is putting the emphasis in the wrong place -- your talking to a girl and striking up a completely mellow and non-sexy conversation that's fun is where it's at. If you're going for the cold approach, you need to view an encounter as not a potential anything -- just an opportunity to talk to a girl. In fact, if she's pretty, you should make a goal out of NOT asking her out, but just talking with the aim of saying, "Nice talking to you! Bye!" at the end. Make that an exercise. Because she can't reject you if you've decided she's just a practice mat.

 

Having said that, I'm going to emphasize that the cold approach is not my idea of where you should be putting your effort in. Even suave guys don't pull that off too well, and I have rarely encountered a situation where I was taken with a man trying this, even though he did nothing wrong. And that's because I don't usually feel comfortable just giving my phone number to a stranger, or taking him up on coffee. That feels odd to me. I need to know a person a bit more, have a feeling that we have something in common that has potential other than we both think the cantaloupes look ripe enough and smell in-season (and this holds for even the best-looking guy). And that's probably my own guards up. I can be a bit shy...not shy of speaking, but wary. And so I often find myself thinking a cold approach is too sudden a move for me. It's just my own personal comfort level, and others are different...but the reason the failure rate is as it is this way, is because other women feel the same, I believe.

 

BDD: you can take your therapist's word (who's "blowing smoke up your ass") for it, or you can take it from guys who call you ugly because their own lives suck and they can't stand themselves. Your choice. You have said before that YOU don't believe you're ugly and women have called you "hot", but you conveniently forget this. I'm going with the professional opinion you've gotten. Most therapists aren't so diagnostic-happy that they'd HAVE to tell you that.

 

If a guy isn't stereotypically attractive, yet acts sexy, would a girl find him sexy? Even if he:

 

- Has long hair

- Is a bit overweight

- Wears glasses

- Has a nerdy voice

- Is average looking

 

I've been with guys, and attracted to guys with all of these traits, some in combination, at one time or another. But that's neither here nor there. Who I've been with. And your having frequented this forum this long should tell you by now that such questions are useless, pointless. It's not my intention to sound mean, but as you know, a couple of those are entirely subject to taste and the others (which are factual traits) have never stood in the way of capable men getting dates.

 

So now, for the most important round-up point. Your threads involve a lot of problem-solving ideas, and so I want to bring your attention to what I feel out of all the barriers you have, which is the one you're going to have to deal with as a 1st priority

 

My problem is motivation.

 

TRUER WORDS HAVE NOT BEEN SPOKEN. This is a toughie. Because you've identified something here which is all-inclusively affecting your ability to see any success -- and yet, by its very nature, it means little success will happen.

 

It's a bit of a conundrum: how does someone get motivated to tackle having little motivation?

 

Do you see how you might address this?

 

Because you're willing to blame your problems on everything from your voice pitch to your hair, to your belly size, to your social anxiety, to your inability to talk to anyone who isn't a Plain Jane, to Asperger's, to work and finance difficulties, to fate, to the stars, to your being a virgin at such an age -- when really, it comes down to this. And you've recognized this. You said you lack motivation in dating.

 

But you lack motivation overall, that statement goes for everything, so let's review how that's shown up:

 

Problem identified: Your social anxiety prevents you from talking to people/women

Solutions found at end of thread: Join more clubs, expose yourself to naturally-conversational environments, participate in more activities, put yourself in situations that push your envelope, like at work, continue to get therapy for Social Anxiety Disorder, consider other medications, stop drinking caffeine which makes anxiety conditions worse.

Problem identified: You feel "ugly" or unattractive not because of your face, but how your body looks to you.

Solutions found at end of thread: Get to the gym (no matter what other people think at the gym), find a personal trainer, do your own workouts of walking/running/swimming/weights at home, stop eating junk food, sweets and soda, revolutionize your diet

 

Problem identified: Cold approaches with gorgeous women freeze you up

Solutions found at end of thread: Stop cold approaching and talk to women who are average to attractive with no intention of dating, constructing potential relationships, worrying about friendzoning, etc. Just get out there, get out there, get out there, one convo at a time

 

But what has been the follow-through on any of these items?

 

Your threads run like this:

 

-- Lay out a hypothesis of doom (in theme and variations)

-- Explore all the ways you go wrong in your attitude and approach

-- Have intelligent, self-aware, self-identified epiphanies about what needs to change at the root of the issues, recognize practical and pragmatic projects to embark upon, and acknowledge how your attitude is standing in your way

....

 

-- Begin step one again, repeat.

 

What do you plan to do about this repeating cycle which is is your very first impediment to dating?

 

It may sound ridiculous to think of stopping your coffee intake (for example), or getting off a message board filled with grouchy dateless men in order to wind up in someone's bed, but this is the only kind of thought process (i.e., being results-oriented in a whole-life way) that will bring you results. You've got to see your life as a integrated entity, not a bunch of disparate parts -- with lack of motivation to implement any remedial course for these identified revelations, the STARTING LINE. And putting all your effort into tackling that one problem that trickles down into ALL the rest.

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Thanks tiredofvampires. That all was very helpful.

 

I also agree that my problem is motivation. I AM working on losing weight, so I am motivated towards that. I even put my BMI in my siggy here.

 

I guess it's like a kid in a candy shop. I'm surrounded by beautiful women, I want one of them, but I act so hyperactive (excited) that I get 'f off' signals from women (get thrown out of the candy shop.)

 

As far as having Aspergers, I know I show some of the signs. Even my therapist acknowledged that. But I'm high functioning enough that he said that, even if I had it, it wasn't a problem. Now, whether it's causing problems with attracting women, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

 

I will stay away from that one forum. They're so negative that I honestly can't take their advice anymore. They're sick.

 

I think what I need to do is to join some community groups, make some friends, form a social network, and forget about dating for now. I will continue to post here, mostly to help other people who need advice, but as for my own advice? Those two crushes that I have right now are probably going to go nowhere, because it would involve a cold approach in order to get to know them (and as you've stated, those rarely work.) I just need to get comfortable around women.

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I've been in college in some form or another since I was 19 (right out of high school.) My problem is motivation. I think that's my problem with dating, too; it's like I want dating to be easy, and it's not. You have to work for a good grade, just like you have to work for getting a girl interested in you.

 

Interesting that you talk about motivation being an issue for you. I know that for my female friends, they are very smart and ambitious ladies and they aren't attracted to guys who are not similarly motivated in school and in their careers.

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Meet somebody during college. Unless you totally have everything thing together socially and emotionally, you will find it near impossible to meet somebody during your professional working life.

 

That may be your experience, but plenty of people do not find this to be true. To suggest that this is a fact is a disservice to the o.p. I had my most meaningful relationships with men I met after college. I didn't have "everything" together socially and emotionally, but I had enough together to date.

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It just means your luck goes from bad to worse. Work itself is much more rigid; there may be policies against dating co-workers, or co-workers have the rule for themselves, and depending on the job, your level of meeting new people is not as high. It's like going to a gym or class with no "candidates" for meeting people, it will be the same every session. You don't get these problems as much in college. Or perhaps more correctly you are gifted more chances in college. When out and about working you really have to work much harder to get those chances.

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I think people form stronger connections in college. When you're out of it, then all the women are mothers or married, and the single women are single FOR A REASON, usually.

 

That is why I don't want to date someone my own age, because it would be very rare to find someone who's unattached. It's more likely that I'd find a 19 year old who likes older men, and has more in common with me (both of us being college students), than finding someone who's 28 and the same.

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I think people form stronger connections in college. When you're out of it, then all the women are mothers or married, and the single women are single FOR A REASON, usually.

 

That is why I don't want to date someone my own age, because it would be very rare to find someone who's unattached. It's more likely that I'd find a 19 year old who likes older men, and has more in common with me (both of us being college students), than finding someone who's 28 and the same.

 

Not true. I know many women even in their 30's and 40's who would be great catches. You are 28, trust me you wouldn't have much in common with a 19 year old.

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The multi-quote function is not working properly for me, LBS, so I can only quote one thing here.

 

The first thing I wanted to quote was a response you posted to my post, saying you get "hyperactive" around beautiful women. What do you mean by that? What sort of behaviors would be "hyperactive"?

 

And good you're working on the weight issue. I'll be checking that BMI on here. Got my eye on you, LBS.

 

When you're out of it, then all the women are mothers or married, and the single women are single FOR A REASON, usually.

 

One of the biggest of those reasons being that they've squandered their love on men who are older and single FOR A REASON.

 

As for the "myth" that college is a time to be meeting your SO, because afterwards it's hard, yes and no. It's true it's harder to meet the same diversity of people once you're in a niche in the professional world -- but your professional life can also bring you networking contacts with potential and of course everyone should be cultivating a social and personal life outside of work. If you engage in hobbies, interests, etc., there's always an ample pool of people to get to meet. The world is wide open. It's very limiting to think of college as the end of a chance to meet people -- my most significant relationships occurred after college, and in truth, a lot of the college years are spent on people partying, not being grown up to hold down something serious, and getting their feet wet in relationships. People meet others throughout a whole lifetime. I didn't notice any difference personally going from college to "real life."

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Meet somebody during college. Unless you totally have everything thing together socially and emotionally, you will find it near impossible to meet somebody during your professional working life.

 

I won't say near impossible but definitely much more difficult. You have to work that much harder to create opportunities. It is even worse when you have ZERO relationship experience and no longer have college/university to help you (The sad situation that I find myself in). There are times when I really do make an effort and try, but it is extremely exhausting both mentally and emotionally, especially if you are not getting the results that you want. Everyone that I know was able to find their boyfriend or girlfriend through college. If only I had a time machine to go back to those years and set things right.... my social development would be light years ahead of where it is now. Of course, I just have to find a way to break this lifelong drought.

 

Regardless, I still hold out hope that I will get a girlfriend eventually. I think a lot of my friends don't believe in me but I need to prove them wrong, haha.

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I think people form stronger connections in college. When you're out of it, then all the women are mothers or married, and the single women are single FOR A REASON, usually.

 

That is why I don't want to date someone my own age, because it would be very rare to find someone who's unattached. It's more likely that I'd find a 19 year old who likes older men, and has more in common with me (both of us being college students), than finding someone who's 28 and the same.

 

Almost every friend I know did not get married before thirty. Have you ever left your city/town? Believe it or not, in other parts of the country (and world) people wait a little longer to get married.

People do not necessarily form "stronger connections" in college. I barely even talk to anyone I went to college with anymore. The difference is that people can be a lot lazier about building a life, because college hands it to you on a plate. If you are not lazy it won't matter where you are in life, you will be able to meet people.

I think the whole college-is-easier-to-meet-others mindset is just another place to put blame when people are not successful in their adult dating lives.

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I think the whole college-is-easier-to-meet-others mindset is just another place to put blame when people are not successful in their adult dating lives.

 

BriarRose know many people who met their spouse in the workplace. Sure, college is an easy way to meet people - but not the only way.

I second the two opinions above. Almost every single one of my close friends met their partners (and got married) at work, myself included. College certainly isn't the "be-all-end-all" place to meet people and life partners.

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I didn't meet anyone at college OR at work because my field is really lady-heavy. But I did meet a guy through friends after college, and two guys through online dating. The bottom line is that people are out there, if you're willing to look for them. Yes, some places are easier than others - work and college offer tight-knit environments that allow you to get to know people well and possibly develop romantic chemistry with them - but as long as you're willing to put in the work, you can find that anywhere.

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I guess I won't find anybody through the normal means, because I am really shy.

 

I suppose I should try online dating, although I've heard horror stories. I don't want to communicate with someone, only to meet them and to find out they're either a man, or have been lying about their weight or height or had a completely different picture (not themselves, obviously) up, passing it off as themselves.

 

I know I'm not rock star beautiful, but I'd like to meet someone I'm attracted to. I don't like being lied to, especially when it involves something as personal as dating.

 

I remember the one time I put a craigslist ad up, saying I was a virgin and wanted to lose it (and specifically stated that I was a MAN looking for a WOMAN), I was messaged by about 5-6 gay guys. I fear the same thing happening again, only with an online dating site. Sorry, dude, I don't swing that way.

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