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There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


LightbulbSun

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I wish more men would do this because it might help more people find mates. Too many guys will reject based on looks, probably more than women do. While browsing online profiles I see some of the guys have been there months because they can't find what they are looking for. Of course most of these guys are looking for unrealistic women. This is the problem with online dating and why it doesn't work for everyone. The best relationships I know took YEARS to develop and online doesn't allow this. We as a society are instant gratification and when we don't get it we move on, not realizing looks are a small part of it.

 

Rejection based on looks is not gender -specific. For every man who rejects based on looks on-line, you will find a woman who also rejected a man based on looks.

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Rejection based on looks is not gender -specific. For every man who rejects based on looks on-line, you will find a woman who also rejected a man based on looks.

 

True, I've done that myself. I think I'm thinking of the guys who rejected me but I have no idea if they rejected me based on looks. I'll never know and of course I thought about it a day or so and moved on.

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There has to be a connection and that doesnt happen for me very often.

 

If you are not finding connections with others very often, then maybe you have to broaden your horizons. I used to have that idea about myself until I realized a couple of things. One is that thinking I am so unusual or different from others is really just low self-esteem, mixed with a strange form of arrogance. Two is that if I took risks and made changes in my life, I would encounter like-minded people.

 

Holding the false belief that you are unable to make connections is probably what's hurting you.

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The truth is, I usually end up not connecting with someone (based on love) until I know them for a while. At which point they've friendzoned me.

 

Does this mean that I should just act on lust, and ask out girls because I find them attractive? Or should I wait, get to know them better, and THEN ask them out?

 

I'm confused. I thought women didn't want guys who only want sex, but the evidence proves otherwise. Otherwise, how do players succeed and guys like me (who are upstanding, respectable guys) are left behind?

 

And don't say it's about looks! One of the most successful players was a short, massively overweight guy with long hair and a beard. He seemed to always be with a new girl.

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The truth is, I usually end up not connecting with someone (based on love) until I know them for a while. At which point they've friendzoned me.

 

Does this mean that I should just act on lust, and ask out girls because I find them attractive? Or should I wait, get to know them better, and THEN ask them out?

 

I'm confused. I thought women didn't want guys who only want sex, but the evidence proves otherwise. Otherwise, how do players succeed and guys like me (who are upstanding, respectable guys) are left behind?

 

And don't say it's about looks! One of the most successful players was a short, massively overweight guy with long hair and a beard. He seemed to always be with a new girl.

 

Yes, ask a girl a out before you've known her for too long. Otherwise, some other guy will. It doesn't have to be just based on lust. I think asking a girl out after 2-4 friendly conversations is a good amount if you see her regularly (school, coffee shop, etc.) By that point, you at least know if you enjoy talking to her or not. If you don't know if/when you'll see her again, end the conversation with "If you don't mind, I'd love to get to know you more. Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

 

And you can still be an upstanding, respectable guy who wants sex. Showing you're attracted to someone doesn't make you a player. A guy that shows he's attracted to me makes me feel sexy. They just have to do it respectfully and tastefully. I won't go out with a guy who says "Damn baby, let me get into those jeans!"

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The truth is, I usually end up not connecting with someone (based on love) until I know them for a while. At which point they've friendzoned me.

 

 

 

I'm confused. I thought women didn't want guys who only want sex, but the evidence proves otherwise. Otherwise, how do players succeed and guys like me (who are upstanding, respectable guys) are left behind?

 

 

You said in another thread that you have not asked a woman out in 10 years. No one is "leaving you behind. " You are literally doing NOTHING to try to get a girl friend, a relationship, some romance, etc. in your life.

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...

Does this mean that I should just act on lust, and ask out girls because I find them attractive?

[/Quote]

Yes, it does. You find her attractive, you ask her out. Plain and simple.

 

I'm confused. I thought women didn't want guys who only want sex, but the evidence proves otherwise. Otherwise, how do players succeed and guys like me (who are upstanding, respectable guys) are left behind?

Who told you this? Women are aroused by male sexuality. Therefore you have to want sex to be successful with women. Guys like you are left behind because something has told you to suppress your sexuality. Get your mindset straight and do the things that actually work.

 

And don't say it's about looks! One of the most successful players was a short, massively overweight guy with long hair and a beard. He seemed to always be with a new girl.

It ain't about looks. But it doesn't harm to be in shape.

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Yes, it does. You find her attractive, you ask her out. Plain and simple.

 

Okay, that makes sense.

 

I find a girl attractive in my one class. Should I just ask her out, or should we talk a little bit first to see if we are on the same page?

 

 

Who told you this? Women are aroused by male sexuality. Therefore you have to want sex to be successful with women. Guys like you are left behind because something has told you to suppress your sexuality. Get your mindset straight and do the things that actually work.

 

Actually, it was society that told me this, so it's society that's screwed up.

 

Also, nerdy guys are perceived differently than Brad Pitt lookalikes. We're considered 'ugly', and therefore any sexuality we have is either laughable or creepy.

 

 

It ain't about looks. But it doesn't harm to be in shape.

 

Did I mention that the guy had a good looking face, and that he had a 'screw it' attitude? Obviously, I don't fit with him, because when people see me they expect me to act a certain way...and if I don't act that way (and act like a normal guy), I'm creepy. Just because I don't fit a masculine image.

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Let me ask you girls something.

 

If this guy came onto you, and was all 'hey there sexy girl,' flirting and everything, would you consider it welcome advances or as creepy?

 

image removed

 

I am not Asian, but I have a lot of the features of this guy, and I think the reason I hold back is because I don't want to be seen as creepy. Because I'm not the typical 'sexy male,' so therefore being sexual is not tolerable for me.

 

Or am I crazy for thinking this? Do women actually judge guys based upon how sexy they act, rather than how sexy they look?

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Let me ask you girls something.

 

If this guy came onto you, and was all 'hey there sexy girl,' flirting and everything, would you consider it welcome advances or as creepy?

 

I wouldn't be interested in a guy who came up to me and said "hey there, sexy girl," regardless of how he looked.

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Who told you this? Women are aroused by male sexuality. Therefore you have to want sex to be successful with women. Guys like you are left behind because something has told you to suppress your sexuality. Get your mindset straight and do the things that actually work.

 

This isn't entirely true. Maybe a majority of women get aroused by male sexuality, I dont know. But there has to be a percentage, even if its a small percentage where women get aroused by other things a man does.

 

I know if a man I just met determines how he feels towards me based on sex I get turned off right away. I rather have a mental connection with someone before a physical one.

 

In fact I dont even look at how attractive a man is or not attractive he is physically until I have a conversation with him first, and how we connect mentally determines whether or not I find him physically attractive or not.

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I wouldn't be interested in a guy who came up to me and said "hey there, sexy girl," regardless of how he looked.

 

I was just using that as an example.

 

My question was more broad than that. If a guy isn't stereotypically attractive, yet acts sexy, would a girl find him sexy? Even if he:

 

- Has long hair

- Is a bit overweight

- Wears glasses

- Has a nerdy voice

- Is average looking

 

That is my point.

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I was just using that as an example.

 

My question was more broad than that. If a guy isn't stereotypically attractive, yet acts sexy, would a girl find him sexy? Even if he:

 

- Has long hair

- Is a bit overweight

- Wears glasses

- Has a nerdy voice

- Is average looking

 

That is my point.

 

What does "acts sexy" mean to you?

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A person can be "sexy" without looking like the norm of what is attractive. It all depends on how you compose yourself, how you speak, how you act, etc. The point is not to be over the top and say "hey sexy..u lookin sexy in dem pants..go out with me"..but make it clear you are attracted to her and wish to take her out, in a more subdued manner.

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A person can be "sexy" without looking like the norm of what is attractive. It all depends on how you compose yourself, how you speak, how you act, etc. The point is not to be over the top and say "hey sexy..u lookin sexy in dem pants..go out with me"..but make it clear you are attracted to her and wish to take her out, in a more subdued manner.

 

Agreed. Number one way to do this: be confident. Not arrogant, but not insecure. Act like you know you can get the girl.

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Agreed. Number one way to do this: be confident. Not arrogant, but not insecure. Act like you know you can get the girl.

 

I know I've asked this question at least 20 times already, but I still haven't been given an answer. How does one introduce themselves, while conveying interest?

 

Is it simply, "Hi, my name is LightbulbSun, what's your name?" Then after she answers, "Nice to meet you, [insert name.] Are you enjoying this class so far?"

 

Would that be considered friendly, in a 'I am interested in you' kind of way. Or would it read as simply 'I just am looking for new friends, and you happen to look friendly'?

 

I believe I have Aspergers, so I have trouble flirting, anyways. And every girl that has been attracted to me, has been turned off by my reaction, which seems to read 'I just want to be friends.' Even if I am trying to express interest in her.

 

It's true that I haven't asked a girl out since I was 18, but then again, I HAVE tried to show romantic interest in a girl before, and they either A.) Pick up on it, and reveal that they have a boyfriend, B.) Pick up on it, and reveal that they just want to be friends, or C.) Completely misread my interest as just wanting to be friends, and therefore we become 'just friends.'

 

I've had people tell me straight up that I appear gay or asexual, and if I appear that way to friends that I'm not interested in, I probably appear that way to girls who like my looks and want me to flirt with them or show interest or make a move. I am so relationship retarded that I have no clue on HOW to make a move, much less get to step 2 (getting a date.)

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After I had time to calm down...

 

I guess the answers lie within myself. The answer is to get to know a girl, just as like I would a friend, and then after 15-20 mins of talking to her, I'll make a move.

 

That is something I simply haven't gotten before. And it's not because I haven't had chances...I've had plenty of chances. The key is to realizing that, just because I find a girl sexy and/or beautiful, it doesn't mean she'll like me back. And I won't find out, until I get to know her better, find out if we are compatible, and if she, like I said, likes me back.

 

So I guess the answer is to start off the convo by introducing myself:

 

"Hi, my name is LightbulbSun, what's your name?" Then after she answers, "Nice to meet you, [insert name.] Are you enjoying this class so far?"

 

And then, if we enjoy talking to each other, doing this:

 

"I really enjoyed our conversation. Would you like to get together again, like say over coffee?"

 

And take it from there.

 

Faint of heart never won fair maiden. I'm starting to realize that that is very true, especially for me.

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"Are you enjoying this class so far?" sounds friendly, not an expression of interest at all, and a little blah. Trying to find mutual context, like talking about a class you share, is a great segue. But I would loosen it up a bit. You can project confidence if you present yourself like you just simply expect her to respond positively. Like asking someone directions on the subway. And no, I'm not talking about PUA BS, not at all. Women can spot that a mile away. Just be yourself.

 

How about this? Just walk up and talk to them like they're a person. That helps to keep them off that pedestal. Putting her on a pedestal will make you nervous and anxious and you'll start thinking about every word that comes out of your mouth. Is that being yourself? Uh, no. Do you think she's the love of your life? The future mother of your children? Uh, no. She's a person, no more and no less. Changing your mindset will allow you to address her as such. That's when you can be yourself, and that's when you will attract a woman. You have some confidence, you'll be able to show your personality, and...what do you know...you're not just another guy trying to get into her pants. Treating a woman like a person will get you REALLY far with them (who'da thought?).

 

That being said, in your example, how about taking the class context a little further. Just walk up to her and say, "is this the most boring class, or what?" Or, "say, did you get that part when he said X?" Or, "I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to take a semester of this..." If she smiles and responds positively, then the ice is broken and try to keep the conversation going for a few minutes. Remember, if she's taking the same class, you don't have to ask her out the first time you talk to her. If your conversation goes exceedingly well, go ahead and ask her out. But otherwise, take the pressure off of yourself, joke and tease and laugh with her - that will pique her interest. A class or two later, do the same thing. You're developing a rapport with her. She's feeling more comfortable with you and you're feeling the same. After a few of these impromptu talks, ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee or drink sometime, and get her number. What do you know? You just got a date!

 

Another helpful exercise is to start approaching women you aren't necessarily interested in. Don't show interest or ask them on a date, that wouldn't be nice. Just be friendly. Get used to approaching strangers and receiving positive responses. That will build your confidence for when you approach someone you are interested in. Besides, occasionally chatting with strangers on the street is a part of mankind that's dying in our society, and I think that's a bit sad. And, always keep in mind, just because she turns you down isn't a reflection on you. You treated her with courtesy and respect. You wanted to get to know her. Her rejection is not a reflection on your self worth. You simply weren't her cup of tea. You need to stop throwing words around like "ugly" and "will never find a partner." Those words are poison. Your mind will start to believe it, and your self esteem and confidence will drop even more, and...do you see the spiral here?

 

And that's why, whenever I'm single and dating, I always look for opportunities - someone who I find attractive and friendly. If you start to dwell on any one woman before you even ask her out, you're shooting yourself in the foot. If you have more than one woman you're talking to after class, guess what? Your confidence will rise automatically. You'll no longer have any one of them on a pedestal, because if you get rejected by one, you've got three more who seem like they may be interested. Do you see how that can spiral?

 

I could go on, but I think this should be your first step. Change your mindset about how you think about women, take them off of that pedestal, and just treat them like a person. You'll find they really like that sort of thing.

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Well, there are two different girls I'm crushing on at the moment. One is in a public speaking course, the other is in a yoga class.

 

Obviously, the introductions (going by what you said, rich) would be different, because EVERYONE would be enjoying the yoga class. So saying, "The teacher was stupid for doing xyz" wouldn't work, because she would think I was an idiot.

 

So I have to take different approaches, and honestly, I have social anxiety around beautiful women, so teasing them wouldn't work, because I'd be too nervous to do it. I'd feel like I'd offend her, or something. The "so are you enjoying this class so far" would work better for me, because it is more my style...friendly and open. I have a good sense of humor, but I don't tease people I hardly or don't even know.

 

This sounds like pickup a bit, and to be honest, I don't buy into that. Why play games? Lay everything on the table, and just BE FRIENDLY. That's the kind of approach and response I would appreciate.

 

EDIT: For the yoga, maybe "I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to take a semester of this...", because it WILL be a lot of hard work. That is, if I see her again...lots of people drop out of classes after the first few days.

 

I guess I just need to brush up on my flirting skills. At one point, I was good at flirting...what happened?

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A person can be "sexy" without looking like the norm of what is attractive. It all depends on how you compose yourself, how you speak, how you act, etc. The point is not to be over the top and say "hey sexy..u lookin sexy in dem pants..go out with me"..but make it clear you are attracted to her and wish to take her out, in a more subdued manner.

 

The point I was trying to make is, if a guy looks a certain way, a girl would respond positively to that (laugh and giggle, and say, "Umm, maybe, what ya doing tomorrow night?")

 

However, I am not one of those guys. I am a nerdy looking guy, and therefore I have to act a different way. It's possible for me to get into a relationship, but it's harder than for the attractive jock. That was the point I was trying to make.

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I'm not talking about pickup crap or playing games. I'm talking about talking to women like people, and having fun with them. Women are people - remember that (no, I'm really not kidding). Being able to make a woman laugh is very attractive. And you can joke about anything, really. Finding something in context makes it more real and it will feel less like a pick up - but let's face it, that is what you're trying to do here, so don't apologize for it. Just be yourself and treat them like you would anyone else. For the yoga class, you could also joke about yourself. It's pretty common for guys to lack flexibility when it comes to yoga. Walk over to her and say "Wow, I don't know how you do that X position. I felt like I was going to rip myself in half." Saying "so are you enjoying this class," is friendly, but it's like elevator conversation, it's like you're talking to them because you have to or because you're just trying to make polite conversation standing in line at the bank. You're not approaching the Pope, here. Talk to them like people. Make them laugh. Put a smile on their face. That's how you'll stand out from the crowd. That's how you'll get noticed. That's how you'll create attraction. And that's how you'll get a date.

 

As far as teasing beautiful women, that's a key point you need to get past. You're not teasing to be mean. You're teasing and making jokes to be fun and friendly. You're teasing to make them laugh. Of course you should be friendly, just treat them like people (uh, how many times have I said that...). Don't worry about offending them - I can tell they type of person you are, and I can't imagine you saying anything that would really offend anyone. Find a way to loosen up. Remember, if you're approaching them like a queen, or a delicate flower, or putting them on a pedestal in any way, they'll smell desperation and lack of confidence. That will kill any chance of attraction. That's why I suggested walking up to random people and making a funny, contextual comment about something. Getting a chuckle out of strangers will build up your confidence to approach your crush and not be nervous. You can do this!

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I still don't understand why you're insisting on approaching people cold. Why don't you just volunteer or join a class that is more task-oriented so you are working side by side with someone and thus forced to have regular conversation about the project at hand? Build houses with Habitat for Humanity or volunteer in a theater and work on a show. All these contrived situations and possible approach lines are just serving to increase any anxiety you already have.

 

Btw, were you actually diagnosed with Asperger's? If not, stop diagnosing yourself- it doesn't help.

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I guess you're right, but that's why I call myself loveshy. I can't talk to attractive women the same way I talk to unattractive women.

 

It's definitely a barrier I need to get past, but I literally shake in the presence of a beautiful girl. Obviously just going up and joking with them won't work, because I'll do it in a shaky voice.

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