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There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


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Thanks Jetta!

 

I do feel more confident. I am looking slimmer, and have lost 2 pounds in a week. This is all by cutting down my soda intake and eating more healthy, btw; not as much Papa John's as before!

 

My goal weight is 185, and I believe I can reach it. Especially if I start working out. I believe everything is within my control now, and I certainly am not "ugly."

 

I went to see Sarah McLachlan tonight, and she said something that rang true with me. "Everyone should be able to love whoever they want." If I love a certain type, that doesn't mean that that type won't find me attractive...especially if I get fit and buff. And by doing that, I won't be discarding myself; the main reason why I haven't become a gym rat is because I felt like I would be losing who I was. Nah, will still be intelligent, be well read, be artsy and a musician. I'll just be in better shape!

 

And as far as the social anxiety is concerned, THAT is the main reason why I struggle with girls. There were two cute girls next to me at the concert, undoubtedly attached to someone (how could they not be, they were stunning), however I could barely get a word out to them at the concert...even though all three of us were there to see Sarah (so we obviously all three of us love her.) THAT is social anxiety, with girls, and the only way to get over it is to talk to girls wherever I go, so that I don't freak out when I'm faced with that situation.

 

Hell, Sarah McLachlan is cool, and I would probably not be able to talk to her in person, simply because she is female and I would freeze up. This 'girl phobia' needs to stop.

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I think you are placing too much emphasis on weight. I think everyone should take care of themselves, but obviously lots of thin people are single who don't wish to be (such as myself). I think it's great you are doing this, but try to look at the whole picture and work on each thing, especially the social anxiety - finishing school, your finances - all these things (when you have them under control) will make you feel so much better and stronger.

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I think you are placing too much emphasis on weight. I think everyone should take care of themselves, but obviously lots of thin people are single who don't wish to be (such as myself). I think it's great you are doing this, but try to look at the whole picture and work on each thing, especially the social anxiety - finishing school, your finances - all these things (when you have them under control) will make you feel so much better and stronger.

 

I probably am placing too much emphasis on weight. I don't think that fat men are doomed, or fat women. I've seen both in relationships.

 

I guess I just don't like being overweight. I don't like being able to walk without feeling short of breath. And that is why I'm working on losing weight.

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I probably am placing too much emphasis on weight. I don't think that fat men are doomed, or fat women. I've seen both in relationships.

 

I guess I just don't like being overweight. I don't like being able to walk without feeling short of breath. And that is why I'm working on losing weight.

 

You don't need to be thin, but it is good to be healthy. Exercising can help you feel better(releasing those endorphins). Though I think you really need to work on your anxiety first and foremost. Girls are just human, nothing all that special about us. We won't bite, I promise. Why not start trying to make friends with girls(not looking for dates) just to get up your confidence and start being comfortable? Then you can slowly move on from there. Take it one step at a time.

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LBS,

 

I've read through all of your posts, and just wanted to offer my two cents.

 

First, I don't think you are placing too much emphasis on weight. I get that there is a societal stigma and all that, but there are also significant health issues at play here, not to mention your self esteem. So, I would put and keep this at the top of your list.

 

You mentioned "cutting back on soda" and joked about less Papa Johns. How about NO soda and NO Papa Johns, starting now. Losing weight is not easy, but it is a simple formula, eat very healthy and get cardio exersize as much as you can, 5 days a week preferably. No simple carbs / sugars / nothing "in a bag" lots of vegetables and meat and fish etc etc. You HAVE to do this I think. Forget about what others think of you, do it so that you don't die of heart disease or diabetes at 50.

 

Also, I got braces at 39, after my marriage failed when my self esteem was very low. it was a two year process but the difference in my smile and consequently my view of my appearance, was incredible. I would absolutely do this if I were you.

 

I would also add that, while I don't know how you dress now, work on a simple, neat, style with your clothes. Clean, new clothes that fit. Nothing fancy, you don't need to be the GQ guy or wear Ed Hardy stuff. If you have any female friends or relatives around your age that have a good eye for fashion, sit them down and ask their advice about this. And follow it. And, no offense, you've got to lose the Christina Aguilera t shirt.

 

Read read read. Someone recommended The Game - I'd disagree, that is more graduate level stuff you are getting your GED as it were. However, there are literally thousands of resources on self esteem etc - books, programs, websites... I would go to the library this weekend, get 7 or 8 books out of the self help section, and just start reading them, narrow them down to ones that seem to make sense and apply to you, and study them closely. There is no single "answer" but there are alot of answers. I'd also google self esteem and look for websites and programs that address this. I did recently and it was very helpful.

 

And in the same vein - get off any site that feeds into your negative view of yourself. I understand that you have friends here and on the other site, but really, you are also in a comfort zone that is keeping you unhappy. You have over 5000 posts here and at the other site, which means that you have probably read 20-30,000 posts, right? At some point, these places either really help you or keep you where you are...

 

Finally, part of your list was to approach more women. I'd cross that off the list. I think exposing yourself to any rejection until you are happier with your appearance and yourself is going to also feed into the negative patterns.

 

You seem like a very nice, sincere and smart guy. Women want this, they really do. But they also want someone who is confident and happy with themselves. If you can combne all of this over the next year or two, there is no doubt that you will meet and date women. But it going to take daily effort, and A LOT of hard work...

 

 

And, remember,

 

"if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting".

 

Good luck

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Let me amend one thing.

 

I would say it is ok to approach women just to chat, and get comfortable around them, but not with any particular objective. (watch the Tao of Steve - the first rule is to eliminate desire ) Rejection only will come if you are trying to get something from them - if you are just having a conversation or being friendly, then it might be a good habit to get into...

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Let me amend one thing.

 

I would say it is ok to approach women just to chat, and get comfortable around them, but not with any particular objective. (watch the Tao of Steve - the first rule is to eliminate desire ) Rejection only will come if you are trying to get something from them - if you are just having a conversation or being friendly, then it might be a good habit to get into...

 

It's hard to eliminate desire tho. Even as a woman if I talk to someone I find attractive, I have that desire deep inside that he likes me back. It's a very good advice but very hard to achieve specially for someone who has been in a drought.

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I agree with the advice given. I too got braces as an adult (30) and it was the best $5,000 I spent. It helped me a lot. It sounds like you are approving yourself and that's a great thing. I've known guys who improved their lives by getting in shape, getting a better job, etc and their self confidence rised, which helped them attract nice ladies.

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No, I'm not being sarcastic. I was being serious.

 

And I don't believe that these are true. One of the most successful players I ever knew was flat broke. And I've seen some extremely good looking women who are incel - men don't ask them out.

 

Obviously I'm not the only one who generalizes, based upon this post. And I mentioned about the multi-millionaire who couldn't get a date. If you're shy, male or female, it's the kiss of death.

Most of those women are obviously probably not very social and isolate themselves.
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You don't need to be thin, but it is good to be healthy. Exercising can help you feel better(releasing those endorphins). Though I think you really need to work on your anxiety first and foremost. Girls are just human, nothing all that special about us. We won't bite, I promise. Why not start trying to make friends with girls(not looking for dates) just to get up your confidence and start being comfortable? Then you can slowly move on from there. Take it one step at a time.

 

That's very true. And I NEED to make more female friends - and stay in contact with the ones I have made.

 

Acting like a real man is realizing that you don't have to treat women any differently. Except if you're wanting to date them, in which case you make a move, of course.

 

LBS,

 

I've read through all of your posts, and just wanted to offer my two cents.

 

Err, okay.

 

First, I don't think you are placing too much emphasis on weight. I get that there is a societal stigma and all that, but there are also significant health issues at play here, not to mention your self esteem. So, I would put and keep this at the top of your list.

 

I agree with this. I have put my current BMI in my siggy, and will follow through on a weight loss program. I will also hit the gym every week, walk every day, and maybe join Weight Watchers.

 

I agree that girls care as much about looks as men, so having a healthy weight IS attractive.

 

You mentioned "cutting back on soda" and joked about less Papa Johns. How about NO soda and NO Papa Johns, starting now. Losing weight is not easy, but it is a simple formula, eat very healthy and get cardio exersize as much as you can, 5 days a week preferably. No simple carbs / sugars / nothing "in a bag" lots of vegetables and meat and fish etc etc. You HAVE to do this I think. Forget about what others think of you, do it so that you don't die of heart disease or diabetes at 50.

 

I also agree with this.

 

To be honest, I don't even like it that much anymore. Pizza is okay, but it's nothing really special...nothing that compares to Chinese food, a good Italian dinner, or Indian food. All that's within walking distance of my apartment. It's better to walk UP THERE, and get a hot meal, than to be lazy and order in food THAT IS BAD FOR ME.

 

And sugary drinks don't even taste that good anymore. So I think soda is becoming less attractive for me.

 

Also, I got braces at 39, after my marriage failed when my self esteem was very low. it was a two year process but the difference in my smile and consequently my view of my appearance, was incredible. I would absolutely do this if I were you.

 

I'll consider it. But I also need new glasses, since I can barely see at the moment...and I also want to pay for college as well. So braces might have to be a no-option, at least for right now.

 

I would also add that, while I don't know how you dress now, work on a simple, neat, style with your clothes. Clean, new clothes that fit. Nothing fancy, you don't need to be the GQ guy or wear Ed Hardy stuff. If you have any female friends or relatives around your age that have a good eye for fashion, sit them down and ask their advice about this. And follow it. And, no offense, you've got to lose the Christina Aguilera t shirt.

 

Well, right now I'm wearing a pair of Khaki's, a t shirt, and a sweater. This is what is comfortable for ME. My friend, who's very good with women, always wears t shirts and jeans...and he's very good with women. All the guys I've seen that are successful with women (at least, the kind of woman I'm interested in, artistic women/rockish star women) wear the same clothes I wear. And those have been the girls that have approached me...my problem is my attitude, not my clothes. And I will be the first to admit that.

 

Oh, and guys who are into fashion are usually gay. Since I don't want to appear gay, I don't dress like a metrosexual.

 

And as far as the Christina Aguilera t shirt is concerned, no dice. I am a huge fan of hers, and will probably follow her music until she stops singing and writing new songs. If that bothers a girl, then she's not for me. And I've met enough Christina Aguilera fans who are male AND STRAIGHT that I KNOW she's not some gay star (now if I was walking around, wearing a Cher or Britney Spears t shirt, people might start to wonder....)

 

Read read read. Someone recommended The Game - I'd disagree, that is more graduate level stuff you are getting your GED as it were. However, there are literally thousands of resources on self esteem etc - books, programs, websites... I would go to the library this weekend, get 7 or 8 books out of the self help section, and just start reading them, narrow them down to ones that seem to make sense and apply to you, and study them closely. There is no single "answer" but there are alot of answers. I'd also google self esteem and look for websites and programs that address this. I did recently and it was very helpful.

 

I do have some books that I haven't read, that are about self esteem and depression and social anxiety. I will look into reading them, and work with my therapist, to see if they'll be helpful.

 

And in the same vein - get off any site that feeds into your negative view of yourself. I understand that you have friends here and on the other site, but really, you are also in a comfort zone that is keeping you unhappy. You have over 5000 posts here and at the other site, which means that you have probably read 20-30,000 posts, right? At some point, these places either really help you or keep you where you are...

 

My guess is that you know which forum I'm talking about. Well, this site hasn't really fed my negative thoughts, because I A.) feel happier after I help people on here and B.) People here actually LISTEN and offer HELPFUL ADVICE. So this site is not causing my self distortions. It's actually helping with them.

 

However, I was getting better, and then I went over to THE OTHER FORUM. Which pretty much destroyed all of that. The people there are leeches, and are really sick. My last post over there was to a guy who was attracted to 11 year old girls, and that just made me feel ill. Another one believes that the government is creating lonely virgins. What I'm saying is, they are sick, and while I feel bad for certain individuals over there, namely one that has Aspergers and is obviously fragile, I don't feel the need to EVER go back there. They are sick, and I don't want to feed their sickness.

 

Finally, part of your list was to approach more women. I'd cross that off the list. I think exposing yourself to any rejection until you are happier with your appearance and yourself is going to also feed into the negative patterns.

 

I disagree, and here's why: my fear is tied to rejection, and what it will do to me. However, I've been rejected before (not for 10 years, though, since I haven't asked), and therefore, if I ask a girl and she says no, it will help me get over my anxiety of rejection to realize that the world hasn't ended and that I can move on to the next girl.

 

What every guy who's good with women has told me, is that it's a number's game. And that you have to ask, ask, ask, until you get over that fear and you're able to ask WITH CONFIDENCE. That is what I lack, which is why I need to stop delaying asking. Because all that leaves me with is the unknown (would she had said yes? would she had said no?), and that's much worse than knowing that she finds me unattractive. At least I KNOW I'm unattractive to some girls, it won't be like a shocker. And enough girls have shown me that they're attracted to me over the years, even earlier today, that I recognize that it's not universal.

 

You seem like a very nice, sincere and smart guy. Women want this, they really do. But they also want someone who is confident and happy with themselves. If you can combne all of this over the next year or two, there is no doubt that you will meet and date women. But it going to take daily effort, and A LOT of hard work...

 

I agree. And that is why I need to take sweetpea's advice, to make more female friends, and also take my own advice, which is to ask out more women. If I get over this fear that my reality of my appearance is measured by what ONE GIRL thinks of me...well, then I'll certainly be able to catch one eventually.

 

I would say it is ok to approach women just to chat, and get comfortable around them, but not with any particular objective. (watch the Tao of Steve - the first rule is to eliminate desire ) Rejection only will come if you are trying to get something from them - if you are just having a conversation or being friendly, then it might be a good habit to get into...

 

No, this never works. Then I'll just end up with a female friend. In order to start a relationship, one of us has to make a sexual move sometime.

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Reading through this thread, it became apparent to me where all your problems are: many people here are bitter and feel sorry for themselves way too much - that's just not attractive to anyone. I'm mourning the loss of my GF (she left me after 1 year), something many of you have had the pleasure of avoiding - trust me, it's like a really close relative dieing. We all have problems getting/keeping partners - it's not easy for anyone. The trick is not wallowing in self-pity too long.

 

For three weeks I've mourned night and day. It's been horrendous. My self doubt has surfaced and made me feel these stupid thoughts through this time: I'll now be alone forever now; The love of my life has gone; I'll never have sex or love again. Then I doubted my looks, my virility, my humour and just about anything you can think of.

 

Today I got fed up of this negativity, despite still feeling it. I was at the checkout at the supermarket and I liked the girl serving. Before allowing myself to think, I just asked her straight out - hardly any conversation. To my surprise, she said yes. We are going out Tuesday evening. No games, no strategy, no thinking; I just saw and acted which people love.

 

My point: get off this forum and just go for it. Be yourself and no-one else. You'll be knocked back a few times, but someone will like you and then you'll strike gold. If you just say: "I'll never find a partner", you never will; if you say: "I'm going to find a partner and be brave in doing so", eventually you will. Positive thinking is key to confidence. Negativity saps the energy from you and others.

 

Note: I'm not stunningly good looking, or great talking to women, or enjoy going to bars/clubs. I just know that in life you get out what you put in.

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There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner?

 

....Agree. There are many people out there who suffer from addictions and mental illnesses, who will never find anyone, and with good reason. The rest of us remains a mystery. It's certainly looking that way in my neck of the woods.

 

-Leftright.

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I agree that you have to actively look for someone. The whole "love finds you when you least expect it" sounds nice but unreasonable. Many people don't live in areas with quality singles. Where I currently lives in a nice area but it's full of retirees and families. The few singles are parents. These are all I see everywhere I go. I know if I go about an hour north I hit various areas full of singles but as of now can't afford to travel that far for this. Eventually I hope to move up there anyway.

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Maybe you need to lower your standards....a lot and just look for a connection with someone who may not be considered "classically attractive" from a physical sense. Date some girls and try to connect.

 

I remember my ex gf when we first started hooking up/seeing each other. I enjoyed hooking up with her, she was a great kisser but she wasn't the prettiest in the world. Still very cute but a lot of "imperfections" that you'd notice at first. I finally bit the bullet and said I have to move forward with this girl because she's incredibly cool and had the best laugh/smile in the world. But I wasn't 100% into it AT ALL. I was an inch away from ignoring her because I just couldn't sexually get into her that much.

 

I took a chance, and eventually I fell in love with her. If she gained 200 pounds I wouldn't care, because it was her that I wanted and physical appearance began to mean nothing. So take a chance on someone, don't think you have to hold out for this picture of perfection or beauty in your mind. Once you fall for them to hell what they look like, etc.

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There is a certain amount of the population that no matter how hard they try they just are going to end up alone. Its a fact, just because you get dates and meet people doesnt mean that everyone else does. Life just doesnt work the same way for everyone. I know a few people, including myself, that could find someone to spend time with but I am not lowering my standards anymore. There has to be a connection and that doesnt happen for me very often.

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There is a certain amount of the population that no matter how hard they try they just are going to end up alone. Its a fact, just because you get dates and meet people doesnt mean that everyone else does. Life just doesnt work the same way for everyone. I know a few people, including myself, that could find someone to spend time with but I am not lowering my standards anymore. There has to be a connection and that doesnt happen for me very often.

 

You can also be married for 20 years and then end up alone. Nothing is a guarantee, and just because someone is a late bloomer doesn't mean they won't find love.

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The honest truth is that you absolutely have to be persistent as well as resilient and have sensitive yet tough skin to make it in the world. Only the strong survive. You ain't seen nothing, yet. Wait until you get involved, or you get married someday and you start having problems and things aren't flying the way they should be. You're going to look back on things like this and realize that you had no idea.

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This is a beautiful post - I don't often hear about men pursuing women they aren't initially head over heels for.

 

I wish more men would do this because it might help more people find mates. Too many guys will reject based on looks, probably more than women do. While browsing online profiles I see some of the guys have been there months because they can't find what they are looking for. Of course most of these guys are looking for unrealistic women. This is the problem with online dating and why it doesn't work for everyone. The best relationships I know took YEARS to develop and online doesn't allow this. We as a society are instant gratification and when we don't get it we move on, not realizing looks are a small part of it.

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