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There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


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Originally Posted by BriarRose

This is a beautiful post - I don't often hear about men pursuing women they aren't initially head over heels for.

I wish more men would do this because it might help more people find mates.

Too many guys will reject based on looks, probably more than women do.

 

While browsing online profiles I see some of the guys have been there months because they can't find what they are looking for. Of course most of these guys are looking for unrealistic women. This is the problem with online dating and why it doesn't work for everyone. The best relationships I know took YEARS to develop and online doesn't allow this. We as a society are instant gratification and when we don't get it we move on, not realizing looks are a small part of it.

This is good advice, NewWave.

Like I said, don't base potential dates on looks alone.

Looks are deceiving.

 

"A pretty face don't make no pretty heart. I learned that, buddy, from the start..." - Robert Palmer (1980)

"Beauty's only skin deep..." - Temptations

 

While I advocate guys go after women they aren't INITIALLY attracted to, I too admit I didn't always pursue women I heard were interested in me. I could have gone out with one who worked with me, I was told by a coworker. I wasn't attracted to her. Why I don't know. Should have at least gone out with her.

Even if it didn't work out, she would understand as women certainly weren't always attracted to me - AS A PERSON - not just looks.

Perhaps she had a friend I could have met and I could have intro'd her to a guy friend of mine. You never know how things work out, gals/guys.

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I didn't have the chance to reply to you in email, Florida, but I will repeat here what I was going to say:

 

I'd be open to dating my female friends, except that they're married. The reason why I called them "soulmates" is because that's what they are. You don't have to be even sexually attracted to the person to be a soulmate (for example, my best friend Matt is a soulmate, since we have exactly the same personality, and share all the same music tastes and etc. But I'm not attracted to him, so I wouldn't consider him a "soulmate", etc.)

 

I am kind of afraid of being open to my friends that I want them to set me up with a girl. As far as they're concerned, I'm either gay or asexual - and since I don't go after guys, they assume I'm asexual. I don't disillusion them from this premise. My female friends have known that, at some point, I was straight, because I would hit on them...but since I stopped doing it, they let it drop.

 

I just come off as a very non-sexual, non-threatening person who is timid and shy. All of that working together makes me not appealing to girls. I can complain all I want about it, but until I change the basics of that (or come accross an outgoing woman who is sexually aggressive and makes all the moves towards me), I'm not going to change. I AM NOT sexually aggressive at all, and in this day and age, you have to be, otherwise the girl will choose some other guy.

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I am kind of afraid of being open to my friends that I want them to set me up with a girl. As far as they're concerned, I'm either gay or asexual - and since I don't go after guys, they assume I'm asexual. I don't disillusion them from this premise. My female friends have known that, at some point, I was straight, because I would hit on them...but since I stopped doing it, they let it drop.

If they're true friends, they'd understand you want female companionship.

Don't be a pest, but don't let your shyness prevent you from bringing it up.

 

My wife's best friend kept setting her up on blind dates. I think she went out on 10 of them before me, her final blind date.

She didn't ask her married best friend to set her up on all these dates, but her best friend sensed she needed some help.

I didn't have the chance to reply to you in email, Florida, but I will repeat here what I was going to say:

 

I'd be open to dating my female friends, except that they're married. The reason why I called them "soulmates" is because that's what they are. You don't have to be even sexually attracted to the person to be a soulmate (for example, my best friend Matt is a soulmate, since we have exactly the same personality, and share all the same music tastes and etc. But I'm not attracted to him, so I wouldn't consider him a "soulmate", etc.)

 

I am kind of afraid of being open to my friends that I want them to set me up with a girl. As far as they're concerned, I'm either gay or asexual - and since I don't go after guys, they assume I'm asexual. I don't disillusion them from this premise. My female friends have known that, at some point, I was straight, because I would hit on them...but since I stopped doing it, they let it drop.

 

I just come off as a very non-sexual, non-threatening person who is timid and shy. All of that working together makes me not appealing to girls. I can complain all I want about it, but until I change the basics of that (or come accross an outgoing woman who is sexually aggressive and makes all the moves towards me), I'm not going to change. I AM NOT sexually aggressive at all, and in this day and age, you have to be, otherwise the girl will choose some other guy.

Married women are off-limits, I know that.

Didn't realize those were the female friends you were referring to.

 

Stiill, my advice to try to go out with single women who you're friends with stands.

You never know what could develop.

 

Don't know if you remember a story I told of a man and woman who were in the ministry and were attending work-related meetings in another city. He offered to drive her from her dorm or hotel to the workplace, and took her out for meals. Maybe they went out for dinner once. It wasn't formal dating. They were just friends.

 

Later, after their jobs sent them to other states, they communicated via telephone and letters. Pretty soon, they realized they had mutual feelings and started talking about getting engaged.

They married and give seminars on improving marriages.

I read about their case in one of their books. (I'm trying to reignite my marriage).

 

Brought this up to show you that even if you aren't thinking romantically interested in a woman in your life, please consider asking her out as she could be someone you fall in love with!!!

You don't know what's in a woman's mind or what she's feeling!!!

She could have feelings for you as well!!!

 

Please don't overlook those opportunities.

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Here's a great pop/rock gem from the mid-60s that may apply to my above post:

She's Just My Style. Gary Lewis & The Playboys. 1965.

 

 

The song is told from the perspective of a guy interested in a girl who doesn't notice him. Perhaps there's a woman out there that has such interest in you.

Every time I see her she don't even look my way

Maybe she will notice me but then what would I say?

I would say what's on my mind

But the words are hard to find

But I'm gonna try to tell her anyway

 

Other guys who meet her may not think she's much to see

I can't begin to tell you what she always does to me

 

Maybe it's the clothes she wears

Or the way she combs her hair

Oh that makes me want to tell her that I care

 

Don'tcha know that she's just my style?

Ev'rything about her drives me wild

 

The singer is the son of Jerry Lewis, the comedian.

I thought of you and guys like you the other day after hearing it on XM/Sirus 60s ch.

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So you have the ability to leap inside the minds of these women and deduce what they are thinking''All of that working together makes me not appealing to girls''. You seem to suggest that you need a massive overhaul in the personality department.I would guess that the majority of women actually prefer a quiet unassuming man to a loud arrogant one.You don't need to change your personality dramatically you need to express your interest in the women that you are interested in ,in whatever way that works for you.

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Yes I think some people leave without partner. That is for example because they want too much. Regular people with problems is not good enough for them. They reach too high. Or they have problems with drugs etc. Or they are not social and do not go anywhere where they could meet people. Or they are control freaks or abusers or something else. Or there is sexual problems like mine or what ever. So yes there is people who leave without partner. But I do not know if that should be called subsection....

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So you have the ability to leap inside the minds of these women and deduce what they are thinking''All of that working together makes me not appealing to girls''. You seem to suggest that you need a massive overhaul in the personality department.I would guess that the majority of women actually prefer a quiet unassuming man to a loud arrogant one.You don't need to change your personality dramatically you need to express your interest in the women that you are interested in ,in whatever way that works for you.

 

You're right.

 

And I read an article on this, which kind of helped (and has supported what the female posters, including what TiredofVampires and bulletproof, has written):

 

link removed

 

The article suggested that I lighten up, don't put ANY woman up on a pedestal and just talk to them as a normal person, and involve myself in activities that will engage me with women who also share the same hobbies. As has been said to me over, and over, and over again.

 

I finally get it.

 

I won't go into more detail, but my community is very artistic. I am very artistic. Therefore, I could be using community activities to share, and explore, my artistic talent/side. It's been anxiety and fear holding me back, but as everyone else has stated, I need to "just do it", even if I have a panic attack. I've never died from a panic attack, and it's not going to kill me to be a little nervous.

 

It's raining today, and we're expecting a snowstorm, so it's probably not the best time to start contacting the community theatres, coffee shops, etc. But just sitting my butt down during a live gig at a coffeehouse by some performer, and talking to the people around me, will get me closer to forming a social network. And a social network will lead me to making friends, and meeting girls.

 

I will start taking advantage of where I live, instead of just living here. It's the difference between living, and just existing. I have nobody but myself to blame for my own problems/issues.

 

I'd also like to say that I read the article after I posted that post. But it really resonated with me. Just because I look a certain way, doesn't mean I can't get the girl of my dreams...or be open to letting someone into my life.

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Sometimes it does feel hopeless, sometimes it does feel like there's a hurricane or a dark cloud over my shoulder. For all my efforts and the energy that I have given into this and I feel like I get so little in return. There are some days that I really do feel like what's the point of this? Why be bothered? Why care? When there's so much more that's important to life and so many other things to become involved in; perhaps things I thought about doing, but instead of I should've started a long time ago.

 

And then you see things like the kind of people that are out there. You see your friends who were once happy folk, enjoying life, innocent smiles now facing the harsh reality of divorce and partners with infidelity on their minds. Young men and women married at 20, divorced by 25, scorned by 26 and bitter before 30. We got people now 18 and 19 years old saying that they've given up it's gotten so bad out here. What does that say? That the morale is low, the faith factor is diminishing and people are taking to the streets nowadays with one objective on their mind; sex. This is all that they feel is out here now, and unfortunately that's about 95% correct. The other 5% are for that handfew of men & women actually looking to do right, something positive on their mind aside from getting over. My goodness, I can't even have a halfway decent conversation with my women without feeling as if I can't be a "nice guy" out of fear that being a "nice guy" won't get me anywhere further than a first or second date, friendzone if your lucky.

 

Unfortunately, I do believe that there is a subsection of a few who just may never find "it." And all the advice, wisdom and research just may not be effective. If I can remind us all (myself included), life is not fair. And just because you're a good guy or good woman and you live a pretty squared away life, unfortunately, doesn't protect you from someone trying to harm you or seriously hurt you. Some of us will and some of us won't. But what I learned is that all you can really do is your absolute best to put yourself in the best position possible to meet someone that's worth your time and hope, pray that it works out. It may, it may not. Is it worth risking for? Perhaps. But all this talk about you'll find it when you stop looking or when you least expect it, it's not true, it might not ever happen. That just might be something you may never get a chance to see. If it's happen to anybody else, then it can happen to you also. Best position possible and pray for the best. Put in the effort, put in the work and utilize the greatest gift given to you. You're perception, you're ability to think and process information. Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them. Some of us never learn these things. That's why we stay in trouble because we're hard-headed, we don't like to listen and we think we can change things when we want.

 

It's posts like these that make you really look into reality and ask yourselves what's really out there for each and everyone of us...

 

Well...

 

Love may not be in the cards for us all..

 

But knowledge certainly is, education and things like doing something for your community or your country or for your people. So at least if you've got nothing else, at least you know that to someone, somewhere and to yourself, you are somebody and that's more fulfilling then any relationship or marriage could ever be...

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My goodness, I can't even have a halfway decent conversation with my women without feeling as if I can't be a "nice guy" out of fear that being a "nice guy" won't get me anywhere further than a first or second date, friendzone if your lucky.

I agree. When I read about this "nice girls only like bad boys" kind of thinking here, my jaw dropped. So all this abpit women wanting to hear about "feelings" and want men to treat them well, that's just nonsense?

 

Never dated as a bad guy and tried to treat women well and respect their wishes.

 

Can you believe it, I once turned down a woman's invitation to ML to her?

We had been dating for a long time, maybe a year, and though she wasn't a virgin (had limited experience like me), she for religious reasons didn't want to go all the way. I had no problem with that. Really. I was looking more for the relationship anyway.

 

One night in "everything .... but" sex play, she said "I want you..." As she had been drinking some wine, thought her judgement might have been impaired. So I asked her to make sure that's what she wanted. As a man, I clearly would have loved to accept her offer... but look what I did.

 

A short time later she lost interest in me and got engaged to some other guy she met during our last week of dating .... Never got a thanks. She did once say, "I'm so glad I didn't make love... to you..."

 

Kind of wished I'd not questioned her. So much for being a "good guy."

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I used to try and be positive, certain that everyone would find their someone in time. But I don't believe everyone will find someone. I don't believe I will (I am in my 40's). However, I believe MOST will, if that helps at all....especially young people - there are so many people you haven't even met yet. The world really is your oyster, seriously...

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I used to try and be positive, certain that everyone would find their someone in time. But I don't believe everyone will find someone. I don't believe I will (I am in my 40's). However, I believe MOST will, if that helps at all....especially young people - there are so many people you haven't even met yet. The world really is your oyster, seriously...

On the flip side ,the experience that you now have [since you are in your 40's] may give you the wisdom to look at the choices/mistakes you have made in the past and you can correct them.

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Originally Posted by The Wire

Does anyone wonder if they might not be a good partner? I've been trying to look at myself objectively of late and I'm not sure I would be very good at being one.

What makes you think that, if we can ask?

Late 20's, not sure why, just looking at myself objectively and what kind of person I am, not sure if it's the type of person who should be in a relationship.

Wire,

Be careful having such negative thoughts. If you're a normal guy, you shouldn't have any problems attracting a good woman. You're not too old.

Many don't find that great relationship until they're 30 or later, as I experienced and have stated in these threads. There are other female posters here in their late 30s and 40s who are unmarried, some in their 50s.

 

You'll be fine.

Just keep dating women and eventually you'll find one that's right for you.

 

In my late 20s, a relative once told me,

"Well, you just haven't found the right one yet..."

 

I said, "I'm not picky. I see many women. They look fine and would be good for me. So it's not like I'm saying "nix nix to this," "no way to that one..." I just haven't gotten any

one of them to show some interest..."

 

She said, "That's what I meant, the right one..."

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I dont think Ill ever find anyone. I date a lot but either I don't like the guy or the guy doesn't like me. And thats how it always is. I feel like it's impossible to have a mutual connection. i dont know how people get married

I mean to marry someone you have to go through all this:

1. the guy has to be single

2. you have to like the guy

3. the guy has to like you

4. you need to meet each other's standards

its like impossible.

 

I cant even find anyone decent to date, nevermind marry. and the rare guys I find who I like dont like me. argh

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I dont think Ill ever find anyone. I date a lot but either I don't like the guy or the guy doesn't like me. And thats how it always is. I feel like it's impossible to have a mutual connection. i dont know how people get married

I mean to marry someone you have to go through all this:

1. the guy has to be single

2. you have to like the guy

3. the guy has to like you

4. you need to meet each other's standards

its like impossible.

 

I cant even find anyone decent to date, nevermind marry. and the rare guys I find who I like dont like me. argh

 

I sympathize with you. People say there are 3 billion guys out there....But well, they're either too old or too young or taken or....the list can go on.

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Space, you're not in some "subsection" or 'section 8" like Corporal Klinger.

You're still young and have time to find someone.

 

Sometimes I share that optimism FloridaMan, but sometimes I get really discouraged.

 

Like today I was in Walmart I walked past two decent but by no means super hot twenty something females and they all but ignored me. No passing smile, no eye contact, no acknowledgment whatsoever. Then I went to check out and the cashier (a marginally attractive twenty something) would not even respond to my attempts to make small talk. These kind of events are so discouraging.

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Can I ask how and where do you meet guys? I often wonder how women in their late thirties and up meet men...even in my age it doesn't seem like an easy thing.

 

From my late thirties to now, I would say my only dates have been men from the workplace or on-line dating. I have outside interests, but have never found dates from them.

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