Jump to content

There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


LightbulbSun

Recommended Posts

Well you know what? you can be a part of this section that will never have somebody, or you can work hard and eventually get somebody.

You brought some statistics, so let me bring you statistics, if you go out there and talk to as many girls as you can, at least 1 out of every 35 will give you a chance, that is a date, as ugly as you might be, sometimes it also depends on the time, the place and the mood the girl is at, hence this statistics.

You have to work hard, to develop self confidence and approach different girls and talk to them, and this will greatly enchance your chance to end up with somebody, you should also go out to many places.

I see many ugly guys going out with girls, and many of the girls are actually above the average.

So in my opinion blaming the "fate" on your loneliness is just avoiding the real problem, which is you do not do enough in order to actually get somebody. Try to read books on self confidence and how to approach girls.

I would suggest the book "The game" and do not give up until you succeed.

Cheers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 555
  • Created
  • Last Reply
whose purpose is the advancement of evolution.

We don't exist to find 'love' but to reproduce. Pairbonding exists only so that offspring can survive into maturity.

 

I don't mean to nit pick but evolution doesn't have a "purpose of advancement". It is advancement. And pairbonding does not exist only that offspring can survive into maturity - it's the other way around. Offspring survives to maturity because we have pair bonding - and thus the offspring carries the genetic traits of people who enjoy pair bonding.

 

So to say that romantic love is a fiction is an error.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will never marry. I believe I am destined to be alone...because I would rather be alone than be in some of the miserable relationships I have seen just to be in a relationship. You can be very much alone when in a relationship, despite having someone to go on vacations with, go to dinners with, go to functions with and have sex with. I have met some very very lonely, unhappy people in relationships.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I guess we just have to disagree on this. I think it's easy to say that all people can find love and perhaps is something that most people want/need to hear. But that doesn't make it true. Just like the fact that not all people can be rich in the current system, not all people can have fullfilling love lives with the way things are in this world. Now obviously trying and perhaps a good attitude can increase their chances...but does that guarantee them having success in love? no, some will succeed and some won't.

 

I agree with you. You can have the right attitude and do all the right things and still come up with nothing. I have known people with horrible attitudes and horrible personalities who found someone to love them...of course they made the other person's life miserable, but they themselves found someone who wanted them. There are plenty of good people with good attitudes who never find anyone. A lot of it is down to the luck of the draw. A lot of people do find someone because they are willing to take anyone in order to have someone...but what difference does that make if the relationship is unhappy or falls apart. People who are divorced or who have had many failed relationships are still in the same boat as someone who has never married, never had a long-term relationship, or any relationship for that matter. The experience didn't really do much for them because they still failed..and many go on to new relationships repeating the same patterns and mistakes that resulted in the misery and failure of the previous relationships.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're a smart guy LBS so I think you already knew the answer, even down to simple statistics. Infact on re-reading the post you say so yourself, "let's be realistic". Yes, there will be those who never experience anything. Yes, it's normal to feel bitter when things just don't go your way.

To say it somehow devoids your life of purpose is a little rough though.

 

Despite what people say about negative thoughts and such I'm actually supportive of anyone who in a level headed way knows their strengths and their weaknesses. Better than having cliches thrown at you all the time. Believing in fate is what I think is dangerous. This might be nitpicking words but I find "no chance I can have sex anytime soon" seems less draining than "I will never have sex". Though I can't explain why, maybe it's just me lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would suggest the book "The game" and do not give up until you succeed.

Cheers

 

I think this book is a bit of a double-edged sword. I read it and then became interested in the whole pick-up artists thing (though I never wanted to become one myself) and although they do offer a lot of good advice, they can also make you feel worse about yourself. By showing off how "cool" they are (or have become, throuh practice), they may make you look at yourself and think "my God, these people are so cool and confident, it has really opened my eyes as to how sad and uncool I really am".

 

Also, being good at "the game" is based on the premise that you're this really confident guy who is never embarassed about anything, who has no fear, and who has amazing conversational skills (you also have to be able to think on your feet and react quickly and smartly to difficult unexpected questions from women who "test" you). I for one am pretty bad at holding a conversation. Some people are naturally extroverted, some are introverted.

 

In conclusion, I think the Pick-Up Artist community can help you with "techniques" and "lines" on how to approach women, but they can't teach you how to be confident and improve yourself. The danger is you hear all these stories about all these super confident alpha males who get all the girls and get lots of sex, while you may not be so confident and may not get any. So you may develop a kind of inferiority complex, and hence feel worse about yourself.

 

So recommending "The Game"... Hmmm, I'm not sure it's such a great idea...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner

 

better to accept my fate

 

I agree with the first quote, I don't agree with the second quote. Some people will never find a partner, some because they need to work on themselves, some because they don't want to and some because they are unlucky. But I don't believe in fate or destiny, until the person in question dies there is uncertainty, you can't know if someone will die without ever finding a partner until he, in fact, dies, the only thing you can predict is the likelihood of it.

 

All people are unique so it's hard for everyone to find a match. Some people are more singular than others and I believe they have a harder time than the usual to find a match. But you aren't operating in your true potential until you have worked on yourself, like the social anxiety, until then those issues are like a rock blocking the road for the potential opportunities to come through to you, be they many or few.

 

There are a few people over there with a few screws loose, but in general these are good people. You can tell from their posts.

 

However, life has made them bitter, and I wonder...is there a purpose for these guys? Or for me?

 

When I was a teenager I had anger issues, I believed myself to be entitled to a lot and when I didn't get what I "deserved" I got angry. Then I noticed I was becoming like my father and I got scared. What helped me was realizing that I'm not really a nice or good person, sure I know how to be polite and I remember my friends birthdays... but that doesn't make me better than the average person. Realizing that helped me to let go of the entitlement that was fueling my anger, well I can still get angry but I don't get that poisonous anger. I think confidence is about feeling great about yourself while being realistic and realizing you are no better than anybody else. I know people in real life with zero confidence who think they are super intelligent and super nice, they have those superior thoughts about themselves and still feel like crap. Even if they were all that (they are not) I think some humbleness could have cut the edge of the their bitterness.

 

But being realistic goes both ways though, those with zero self confidence usually have something they are really insecure about too, like thinking they are ugly/dumb etc, and most often their looks and intelligence are all in the normal range. So my advice is to like being the person you are, and if you can't then become person you can like, and don't obsess or compare your traits with other people too much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi LBS

 

Just want to agree with everything Fudgie has said. I think deep down that you know that the reason you haven't had a relationship yet is to do with your self esteem and social anxiety issues. I'm sure that it is true that a subset of the population will never marry or will even remain virgins but you don't have to be part of that group!

 

From what it sounds like the people on this forum you are visiting are not very nice. You say they called you ugly and other names - well to be honest it's no surprise they are single.

 

I know you have issues with the way you look but I doubt very much that you are ugly. I think you have said in previous posts that you are overweight, if you think this is contributing to your feelings of unattractiveness then you can try to lose weight. I don't mean to be flippant, obviously losing weight isn't easy but it can be done. Do it gradually, set yourself realistic targets. Maybe visit a nutrionalist or doctor for advice. Obviously if you are happy with your weight then all you need to do is work on buidling up your confidence.

 

As for facing your social anxiety issues well they can be overcome too. Not easily but slowly. I know this because I am trying to overcome my shyness and social anxiety too. It's not something that is going to go away overnight. Set yourself small goals - things you find least challenging socially and work up to the more difficult things over a lengthy period of time.

 

I think that sometimes when we feel we have a mountain to climb to achieve our goals we would rather give up than face the challenge. I think if you break down the mountain into achievable steps then it will be easier to climb. I do hope that you will start to believe in yourself more. You're a popular poster on here and people respect you a lot. I certainly look out for your posts because I think you're an interesting guy with interesting opinions. I think that people in the real world would think the same if only you were brave enough to show them the real you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you think being ugly and/or overweight is an automatic sentence for a lifetime of singledom, you are wrong (unless you are only asking out hot women). I don't know what you look like or if any of that is even true, but I know plenty of people who are not....eh, conventially attractive - and they are in relationships.

 

Will it be harder? Sure. But you can and will meet someone. You are very young. You need to get out there more, try to overcome your current mindset. There is some good advice here from people, I would listen to them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I just get frustrated. And it's easier to complain about my life on that forum, than accept that maybe it's my attitude that is holding me back.

 

That being said, I will not visit that forum again. I've gotten really offended at some of their posts, including that a high percentage of them seem to be homophobic (and I support gay rights.) When I posted a picture of me in a Christina Aguilera shirt, one guy said that I needed to 'stop wearing Christina shirts, because people would think I was a [insert homophobic slur here.]' I pointed out that many straight men listen to Christina and Britney, and that it doesn't matter anyway, because there's nothing wrong with being gay. That was one of the things that started the flame war between me and that guy.

 

Even some of the mods egg on the flaming. It seems like they *enjoy* seeing you fighting and unhappy.

 

I like it here, but I get depressed sometimes, because I'm reading about people's love lives when I have none. But it makes me feel fulfilled to help others, so I get happiness through doing that.

 

Regardless, I need to stop being so down on myself. Maybe I'm not an andonis, but neither was John Lennon or Bill Gates, and they did alright.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will never marry. I believe I am destined to be alone...because I would rather be alone than be in some of the miserable relationships I have seen just to be in a relationship. You can be very much alone when in a relationship, despite having someone to go on vacations with, go to dinners with, go to functions with and have sex with. I have met some very very lonely, unhappy people in relationships.

 

Personally if it came down to settling for something I don't want or being alone, I'd rather choose being alone too. I know people in miserable marriages and I know that wouldn't make me happy either.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We don't exist to find 'love' but to reproduce. Pairbonding exists only so that offspring can survive into maturity. So yeah, there have always been those who sex eludes and those who get a disproportionate amount. If you're dominant, handsome and wealthy you'll get plenty. If you're a poor submissive runt then probably not. We're random sprites in a computer simulation with selection paramaters that exclude a good chunk of the population. The result is not predetermined, but probabilistic.

 

It's not politically correct to say this, but romantic love is a fiction.

 

Romantic love isn't a fiction. What you're arguing is that the experience of romantic love is triggered by a genetic drive to reproduce. They are two very different claims.

 

Of course, even this idea is highly suspect, given that people still have the drive as seniors to find a partner, as do same-sex couples who are not capable of reproducing with each other at any age.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Most people want a partner, no matter the age. However as you get older you have a more realistic view of it. When I was younger I thought the butterflies in stomach physical attraction was the most important. Now I realize the feeling of knowing someone is there for you no matter how ugly you may get is the important thing.

 

I just saw an ad for a senior dating online site so very few stop looking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Newwave, that most (single) people never stop looking - which is good, because it means we should never give up hope. Others are in the same boat with us.

 

Exactly and there are people even older than anyone here. Let me tell you about this guy. He was everything a woman could want, he was nice looking (though not handsome but to others he was, he was attractive though), smart (had a Ph.D) and a career orientated guy (he was a professor at University of Chicago). He was also a homeowner and he's an all around great guy. He ended up marrying later than he wanted (almost 50) but he was happy he did. Incidentally his brother (who was older) never married but I don't know why he never did. Maybe his brother didn't want to, or never found the right girl, or was gay.

 

My point being that he had given up finding anyone. Even the guy I want had pretty much given up finding someone and that's why he was desperate to marry (and why I think he will come around eventually). Most people do end up with someone, just not always when they want. That's what my mother said too. She said for me not to worry now since it's a bad time for me to get serious. That's why for now I am going to go with the whatever happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, some will never find a partner. Most of whom start out by not having much luck, only to turn bitter and less social as time goes on. The trick is to keep your hopes up and not become too bitter as time goes on.

 

Think about how many people are on this world. There will always be some that will find you attractive, and there will always be some that will want to date you. It is all a matter of patience and persistence. As the saying from batman goes.."what do you do when you fall off the horse ?.....you get back up". It is normal to feel down or even depressed about these matters, since human beings crave affection, but try not to become bitter. It is always better to keep trying than to become bitter.

 

Also, do not make it your life's purpose to find a girl. No one should feel like not having a girl makes life not worth it. What you need to do is better yourself..indulge in your interests, take care of yourself..emotionally, but also physically to become the best you, that you can be. Nothing is guaranteed, and some will never find a girl, but it doesn't have to be you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think people should ever accept it as fate that they'll be alone, but I do think people should be prepared for the possibility that they could end up alone, I know I am prepared, but then again I've kinda stopped caring about trying to find someone so take what I say with a grain of salt, I'm no expert.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I just get frustrated. And it's easier to complain about my life on that forum, than accept that maybe it's my attitude that is holding me back.

 

 

Out of curiosity, which forum is that?

 

Yes, there are some people in the world who will not meet their partner. Some of it due to luck, pickiness, chance, lack of effort, being in the right place at the right time. Lot of factors to that question.

 

LBS, can you financially afford being in a relationship? Most people want to go out a few times a week. Unless you meet a pretty shy introvert who likes staying at home, be prepared to spend some money.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I should put less importance on it. It's not life or death if I don't meet a girl. What IS, though, is whether I get a career, money, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, etc.

 

Complaining over never being kissed is nothing compared to being homeless, or starving. At least I have a place to go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think people should ever accept it as fate that they'll be alone, but I do think people should be prepared for the possibility that they could end up alone, I know I am prepared, but then again I've kinda stopped caring about trying to find someone so take what I say with a grain of salt, I'm no expert.

 

I am prepared to be alone but I doubt I will be. I doubt very few of us will be. In fact I feel in my heart within a few years I will be married. Will it be the one I want or another guy is hard to say But I feel this strongly (and rarely am I wrong about this). If I am wrong, then I am ok with being wrong. I've been told that I'll be alone if I don't date dads but if it came down to this, then I am fine being alone. However none of us really know who will be alone and why. This is why other hobbies is so important. People should have a life outside of dating.

 

Btw, name escapes me but there was someone here when I first started posting talking about her new boyfriend. I haven't heard how she's doing now, but at the time she was 46 or so and thought she'd be alone. Then she met a great guy who was also the same age and still single. I haven't heard any updates on this person but that was a great story.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, what does it matter if there is a subsection or not? The advice to you will remain the same, because it is given to improve your life, not just get you a date. You have to address your issues. Spending time on a lonely guys' forum is just aggravating the problem. Why would you deliberately search out a depressing forum that is a constant reminder of the work you have to do, and then not do the work? You need to get off the internet, and get into the real world. Your arguments and resisting hold no water. It's not your looks (as there are plenty of average-looking or less-than-attractive individuals in relationships) and it's not your lack of experience, age, etc. It's your unwillingness to change and take charge of your life. You're not a victim. You are in charge. Every day when you get up, all the choices you make about your time and your life, are yours.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I for one care about the posters of that forum. I mentioned the 3 haters who go around and bully me. However, I've made at least 20 friends on that forum, and again, these are good people. They've given up, but A.) I've seen a lot of their pictures, and they're at least average looking. Some are even attractive. and B.) I worry about them. We're kind of like a big family now; a big dysfunctional family, that is frustrated with women, but in general don't hate women and actually want relationships with them.

 

For those reasons, I don't really want to leave. I know a lot of people would miss me (not the 3 haters, though), and as flawed as these people are, I can see the humanity in them. I bleed for them, and them for me.

 

(I guess it's kind of an emo type forum; I'll never be loved, I'll never get to love anybody, blah blah blah. But still, I feel that way myself, so it's not like these posters aren't echoing my very own thoughts.)

 

I know a few post here, and some probably even recognize me from there. This forum has been mentioned on there before, and some posters there actually double post here.

 

One of the main reasons I worry about them, is two posters recently killed themselves from that forum. And they were longstanding members. There is some question on the forum whether or not we should try to lighten the mood, and whenever topics of suicide come up (and they come up regularly), everybody always tries to discourage people from doing it. I guess, though, that everyone only has as much self control as they have, and some has been beaten out of them over the years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I for one care about the posters of that forum. I mentioned the 3 haters who go around and bully me. However, I've made at least 20 friends on that forum, and again, these are good people. They've given up, but A.) I've seen a lot of their pictures, and they're at least average looking. Some are even attractive. and B.) I worry about them. We're kind of like a big family now; a big dysfunctional family, that is frustrated with women, but in general don't hate women and actually want relationships with them.

 

 

Not to generalize, but are most of those posters men without careers or still live at home? I can't imagine successful career men having trouble finding women. I'm stereotyping that most men who have trouble with women tend to have dead end jobs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...