Jump to content

There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


LightbulbSun

Recommended Posts

I suppose we went to different types of high schools. In my high school, there were cliques, but that was only for dating. I was the 'nerd', and yet I was friends with the football players and with the cheerleaders. They would invite me to their table. In fact, I would alternate who I ate lunch with; sometimes it was the nerds, sometimes it was the loners, sometimes it was the football players/cheerleaders. As long as I saw a friendly face, I would say hi and sit down.

Yeah, I didn't realize it at the time, but was told years later by a parent of a friend that school was very cliquish. That acquaintence (who was in track and swimming), who I thought was one of the "in crowd," actually wasn't. Many weren't in the "in group" someone told me at the recent reunion.

 

There was a girl I sat next to who I wanted to ask out. I didn't have a lot of confidence so didn't ask her for a date. I also figured she was one of the "popular girls" and wouldn't want anything to do with me. Like you, I was afraid of rejection.

 

That same parent told me she wasn't in the "in crowd" and in fact got picked on by some of those girls that were in that group. She also had some troubled marriages.

So I could have asked her out. Her life may have been different...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 555
  • Created
  • Last Reply

I agree with you in theory.Everyone is different.Personally I always seemed to attract women much younger than me so perhaps I am projectting that ideal and assuming LBS could attract a woman significantly younger than his age.As you say it certainly wouldn't be the norm ,I am just suggesting it could happen and if it did why should the OP dismiss a younger women when he currently isn't attracting any women ..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes. You get it, but so many men are delusional when it comes to age and looks. Yes SOME women will date men much older and SOME women will date unattractive men (though they are pretty) but the reality is this is not the case for most. Yet men (notice it's rarely women?) seem to believe this is true. One only has to lurk on various online dating sites to see men who are average or below average looks and occupation pursuing these women then wondering why they are still single. Meanwhile they reject women they shouldn't because they are delusional.

That woman in her upper 20s I posted that my wife and I met--- she was attractive and had a lot going for her (maturity, intelligence compared to the teens -the 18-19 y.o.s).

 

It'd be tremendously flattering to me to think a woman like her would be interested in someone close to 50... but it 'taint gonna happen, no matter how much I wish it so.

Just like you, Newwave, you're not gonna likely attract a man in his 20s either, or even one at 30. Perhaps mid-late 30s.... 5 years either way is prob. a good standard, as you said, with a few years beyond that (as I recommend).

When I was 28-29, I was kind of desparate so looked for attention where I got it. A woman in her mid-late 30s seemed okay at the time.

 

Re: that pic of mine, people often guess I'm closer to 40 than 48....

"40... not a day older than 45..." one woman told me at the hotel hot tube (there were like 8 beautiful girls there at a convention... I felt lucky to be the only guy in that large hot tub with them).

And when I was in my 30s, women often told me they thought I was still in my 20s... Those days are unfortunately over...

 

....so I guess I still look "young-ish."

I'm one of the few in that HS reunion who "kept" my looks. There were a couple of women there too that look similar to HS but many of the men were gray, had pot bellies and lost most of their hair.

Not everyone attended. My best friends weren't there. And I think they look similar, just a little older (men don't age, ya know!!)

 

I'll try to take a current pic of mine and post that as well. May be shocking to see how diff. I look compared to 2006...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Actually, right now two guys (both in their mid 20's) want to go out with me, so it does happen but rare. Then again they thought I was their age and I look good. I keep in shape. Even saying all of that a guy who's 25 is way too young for me at this point. I am 39 and looking 35-45 or so. I didn't like the idea of looking younger, but several people offline told me that this is something I should consider and be open to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Actually, right now two guys (both in their mid 20's) want to go out with me, so it does happen but rare. Then again they thought I was their age and I look good. I keep in shape. Even saying all of that a guy who's 25 is way too young for me at this point. I am 39 and looking 35-45 or so. I didn't like the idea of looking younger, but several people offline told me that this is something I should consider and be open to.

You're close to 40, yet in physical appearance, you look like you're in your 20s?

That's great, Newwave. Good to hear the young guys think you're attractive.

 

How did those guys respond when you told them your age? Are they still interested?

Or did you not tell them?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're close to 40, yet in physical appearance, you look like you're in your 20s?

That's great, Newwave. Good to hear the young guys think you're attractive.

 

How did those guys respond when you told them your age? Are they still interested?

Or did you not tell them?

 

I told them and they are still interested. I should mention though that they aren't even remotely interested in marriage just dating and having sex. They weren't bothered I was older, and were surprised. This is why I think I can get a guy who's slightly younger (as in 2-3 years).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I told them and they are still interested. I should mention though that they aren't even remotely interested in marriage just dating and having sex. They weren't bothered I was older, and were surprised. This is why I think I can get a guy who's slightly younger (as in 2-3 years).

That's something, Newwave, and a big ego-booster to boot. You're lucky.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you tried asking girls out? Even if some girls rejected you, you have to keep trying, you shouldnt give up. I know lots of girls who don't care about looks and just want someone nice who loves them and appreciates them. Trust me there are lots of girls who have never been with a man before but they can't do anything about it because no one approached them and they are just desperately waiting for someone to ask them out. Don't give up on trying to ask girls out, you've got nothing to lose by trying. Try again and again and you will find someone.

Me and my boyfriend were just friends in the beginning and he never thought that he had a chance with me. Then he got the courage to tell me that he wanted to be more that just friends and now we're together. He wasn't planning on doing anything about his feelings for me because he was afraid that would scare me from him and that I would reject him and then he realized that life is too short and he decided to ask me to be his girlfriend.

All guys who try and don't give up on trying will find someone. Another options is you can marry a foreign girl. Women from 3rd world countries are desperate to get out of their countries and have a better life and they are raised to work hard and serve a man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I can say this:

 

I'm through trying to get to know a girl, if she's under the age of 24.

 

Seriously, every time I do this, it ends in disaster. I might as well just get involved in activities outside of college, and screw the college crowd! I'm not going to meet a compatible woman in college, it's simply not going to happen. It could have happened if I had started at age 19, when I first entered college, but at age 28, I am simply too old for the college girls.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, and I'm not even going to try to make friends with people at college, unless it's obvious they're older. My mom went back to school at age 59, and made friends with 21 year olds...however, it's different for guys. Especially teenagers, who aren't mature enough to handle adult social interaction.

 

I'm going to try to meet people through other outlets. The "college experience" is for younger people. I will go to class and not talk to anybody, or else just be friendly in class, and not even approach them for anything outside of class.

 

I know some of these teenagers think I'm weird. Well, I think they're immature.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, and I'm not even going to try to make friends with people at college, unless it's obvious they're older.

...

I'm going to try to meet people through other outlets. The "college experience" is for younger people. I will go to class and not talk to anybody, or else just be friendly in class, and not even approach them for anything outside of class.

Light bulb, don't swear-off meeting someone in college. Be friendly and open to any relationship that may come your way and if you see a woman that looks like she's not in her teens and is one that maybe could relate to you, don't be afraid to pursue her.

 

You're in a better situation than most men in their late 20s who won't have nearly as many women around them in their work than what you have there in college, a closed circuit or closed course, so to speak.

 

Joog provided an "inside look" into what many women feel. We as men just don't know it bec. we men are usually scared to ask. (I was afraid too and didn't want to be rejected).

Don't be scared any more.

What can they do? Tell you no? If so, that wouldn't be the end of the world now would it?

 

Make the most of what you now have. Try to shy away from the really young college girls, but like other posters said, use this as practice. I think you'll gain from it in your last semesters in college.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An update

 

I've been feeling less like getting into a relationship lately. Relationships are just so messy. I also don't really crave sex, or intimacy, like I used to.

 

Perhaps this is a sign that I have a greater purpose than love, dating, and relationships? I mean, I've barely masturbated the last two weeks, and I'm happy.

 

Plus, I have more pressing matters, such as making new friends, coping with my public speaking class, etc. I frankly don't even notice girls anymore usually, they're just part of the scenery.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, and I'm not even going to try to make friends with people at college, unless it's obvious they're older. My mom went back to school at age 59, and made friends with 21 year olds...however, it's different for guys. Especially teenagers, who aren't mature enough to handle adult social interaction.

 

I'm going to try to meet people through other outlets. The "college experience" is for younger people. I will go to class and not talk to anybody, or else just be friendly in class, and not even approach them for anything outside of class.

 

I know some of these teenagers think I'm weird. Well, I think they're immature.

It's natural they would think you are weird given the circumstances where you are significantly older than them,why take it personally.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

An update

 

I've been feeling less like getting into a relationship lately. Relationships are just so messy. I also don't really crave sex, or intimacy, like I used to.

 

Perhaps this is a sign that I have a greater purpose than love, dating, and relationships? I mean, I've barely masturbated the last two weeks, and I'm happy.

 

Plus, I have more pressing matters, such as making new friends, coping with my public speaking class, etc. I frankly don't even notice girls anymore usually, they're just part of the scenery.

How do you know what relationships are like since you have never had one? I think you are referring to the process of trying to get in a relationship.Of course it can be trying and difficult at times for any shy person.I don't think you are quite telling the truth when you say you don't notice women anymore,you are likely in denial.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's natural they would think you are weird given the circumstances where you are significantly older than them,why take it personally.

 

I suppose so, but it still is extremely frustrating. I'm not looking to date everyone at my college, and would be open to friendship anyways.

 

Why they have to make it so damn difficult is beyond me.

 

How do you know what relationships are like since you have never had one? I think you are referring to the process of trying to get in a relationship.Of course it can be trying and difficult at times for any shy person.I don't think you are quite telling the truth when you say you don't notice women anymore,you are likely in denial.

 

What I meant is that I feel more apathetic towards relationships in general right now. I frankly don't see the positives in getting into a relationship, other than the sex. And my hand suffices for that, anyways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

*They* are not making it difficult. Don't blame externals!

 

So who should I make friends with? The shadow on my wall?

 

Honestly bulletproof, I sometimes think you follow me around my threads to slam my posts. I had no control over what that girl did in my yoga class recently. I wanted to be her friend, she didn't, therefore SHE was the one who was making it difficult.

 

Not me, because I was making it incredibly easy for her to be friends with me. Perhaps that's the problem, right there?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So who should I make friends with? The shadow on my wall?

 

Honestly bulletproof, I sometimes think you follow me around my threads to slam my posts. I had no control over what that girl did in my yoga class recently. I wanted to be her friend, she didn't, therefore SHE was the one who was making it difficult.

 

Not me, because I was making it incredibly easy for her to be friends with me. Perhaps that's the problem, right there?

 

There are two sides to every story. Maybe, for whatever reason, the girl in the yoga class did not believe that you were making it as easy as possible for her to be friends with you. Maybe you made her uncomfortable. Maybe she didn't like the shirt you were wearing. Maybe she doesn't need any more friends. You need to remember that other people have opinions, thoughts and feelings, and just because they do doesn't mean that they're at fault when things don't go your way.

 

I don't see bulletproof slamming you at all. I think she's trying to challenge you on some of the deeply held actions and reactions that are making it difficult for you to make friends or find a romantic partner.

 

You are not able to control anyone else's actions but your own. So instead of blaming others for "making things difficult," why not try looking at yourself and making real, concrete changes in your approach?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd just like to know what the concrete changes in my approach would be?

 

Obviously, I need to stop putting down 'absolutes.' Like, "if this girl/guy doesn't want to be friends with me, then I'm a terrible person." Obviously, that's my problem, not theirs, and I accept that.

 

And this goes into dating, because I've based my self worth on whether a girl finds me attractive, etc. I probably do go around with a glare on my face, instead of a happy smile. I don't know why that is, I'm generally a very happy person, at least alone, but put me in a social situation and I immediately start believing I'm being judged. And that makes me anxious, and uncomfortable, and kind of pissed off as well.

 

I wish things could have gotten easier as I got older. Instead, they've gotten worse, because the older I get, the "older I get." And I'm still stuck in the same situation. It's easier to be alone at home, listening to music, watching a movie, reading a book, fooling around with my musical instruments, than accepting that the question of "what have you been up to?" will come up, and I'll have nothing.

 

There is a reason why I don't like telling my age. It's because I don't like the idea of almost being 30, and being so socially backward. I don't have my life figured out, to the point where I can call myself an "adult"...therefore, why would someone around my age date me? It's easier to go after the young girls, because they don't have it figured out either...but they wouldn't date me either. So I have no solution to my issues.

 

I've tried therapy. My therapist has given me cliche advice, but no absolutes. He has no way of getting me from point A to point C, because there's point B in the middle and that is intercepted by a majority of factors, which includes A.) age, B.) career (I'm currently out of work), and C.) maturity. My age does not match my career or my maturity, since I have no career (something you'd expect from an 18 year old), and I am about as mature as a teenager.

 

I get insulted by bulletproof's posts, because she basically seems to follow me around the forum and post the same redundant advice in my threads, all advice that sounds good on paper, but basically, where's the meat of the advice? It's like saying to someone who has never written a novel, "Oh, you have the talent to write a best seller! You just have to model after [insert author]", and then hands them a book from said author on how they write their stories. Yeah, certainly, you might have the talent to write a great story, but what if you don't? What if you can't even piece two sentences together? That's what bulletproof is missing.

 

Certainly, I can make friends. I've made them before. But, what if I'm getting to the age where it's inappropriate to approach random people and say hi? You hear all these stories about the "creepy older man"...well, I don't want to be that guy. And as far as relationships go, I'm about as skilled at that as someone who has never written a story before would be in writing a full length novel. Yeah, sure, I might have a great talent, but who's to say that I actually have the capabilities to carry the story? And who's to say that I have the capabilities to get a girl interested enough in me that she would A.) want to have sex with me, B.) want to date me, and/or have a relationship with me, or C.) both.

 

That is what I'm getting at.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I get insulted by bulletproof's posts, because she basically seems to follow me around the forum and post the same redundant advice in my threads, all advice that sounds good on paper, but basically, where's the meat of the advice? ...That's what bulletproof is missing.

 

Perhaps then you can relate to the frustration, for many people here, of you posting redundant threads over and over. The meat of the advice has been given to you- not just by me, but by many really great people here- over and over and over. We have made many concrete suggestions. You choose not to take them but instead spend hours on multiple forums speculating, analyzing and arguing.

 

Regarding "following you around"... that is slightly paranoid. I post to threads which I think I can offer usable information.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So who should I make friends with? The shadow on my wall?

I had no control over what that girl did in my yoga class recently. I wanted to be her friend, she didn't, therefore SHE was the one who was making it difficult.

 

Not me, because I was making it incredibly easy for her to be friends with me. Perhaps that's the problem, right there?

 

You need to stop making yourself the victim. I remember the thread you posted about this girl from yoga class. You posted that you were very attracted to her, and made it a point to sit near her in class. You posted that you could not stop yourself from staring at her breasts and butt, and she noticed, and that it seemed to make her uncomfortable. You posted that you were very aroused for most of the class, and had an erection which was very noticeable because of what you were wearing, and you were sure she probably noticed too.

 

Do you think maybe that has any connection to her suddenly not wanting to make small talk or add you on FB?

 

Sheesh.

 

Bulletproof, myself and other have given you concrete advice over and over. You just refuse to take it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know, I'm starting to recognize what the people at Incel Support meant when they said that this wasn't a place for virgins. It's clear that the advice offered here is for people who already have their life together. I'm sorry, but it's cliched advice, and it's something that I've heard before. And for someone with social anxiety, it doesn't work.

 

Consider this my last post on this forum. I'm going to remove myself from here, because it's clear that I'm torturing myself, trying to come up with answers when none of you have any. I might as well just beat my head against the wall; it accomplishes the same thing, and it's much less painful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What could this possibly have to do with being a virgin? If my memory serves me, you've had several former male virgins relate to your story and give you workable advice.

 

Everyone has had tons of advice. If the social anxiety is so severe that you can't take any of the action-oriented advice (start volunteering regularly and long-term, get involved with groups at school, find a job, any job, and so on and so on), then you need a new therapist and possibly a new med routine because the one you have now is not working. And yes, it may take multiple therapists to find one you like. How is any of the advice useless? What exactly would you like people to tell you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What could this possibly have to do with being a virgin? If my memory serves me, you've had several former male virgins relate to your story and give you workable advice.

 

Everyone has had tons of advice. If the social anxiety is so severe that you can't take any of the action-oriented advice (start volunteering regularly and long-term, get involved with groups at school, find a job, any job, and so on and so on), then you need a new therapist and possibly a new med routine because the one you have now is not working. And yes, it may take multiple therapists to find one you like. How is any of the advice useless? What exactly would you like people to tell you?

 

It's not workable advice because say:

 

A.) I join a student organization at college

B.) The "organization" is made up of 18-21 year olds

C.) I face the same situation I do in class, and the cycle repeats.

 

Now, let's see what the other factors are:

 

A.) The last time I went out "looking for a job", every single place turned me down. Now, one of the biggest stores in the area has closed, which means that there are all 'those workers' who will be looking for a job too, and I don't have a car, so my job would have to be within walking distance. That cancels out every single job within my community, because if I didn't have a chance getting it when people were happy and settled working, I'm certainly not going to get one during the winter reason.

B.) Let's say I signed up for a dating service, and found a girl around my own age who liked me back. Most likely she would be out of college and in a job. Would she date a full-time college student, without a job? No way! And the reasons why I wouldn't be able to "get" a job...well, I just went over that.

C.) The only option left is to try to date someone significantly younger. And what 18-19 year old would date an almost 29 year old man, especially one without a job? Let's forget the virgin factor for a second...if she had "daddy issues" and wanted a replacement dad...well, I'm more like an "old teenager" than anything else, so I would be relating to her "on her level" and she would lose interest in dating the older man.

 

Do you see where my problem is? I generally don't like and/or feel comfortable asking people in my class to meet for coffee/lunch/whatever outside of class. I go to class, get out of class, and walk home and eat lunch there. I don't even stay on campus, because the last time I did, I felt so uncomfortable that I almost passed out.

 

I am on medication, but my doc (who is a very good doc, and is being very careful with my medications) has me on a beta blocker, which is the least addictive and the least dangerous. That being said, it still has horror stories of people dying or ending up in the hospital from withdrawing from it...which is why he wants me to work these things out, without medication, rather than increasing my meds. What I take manages to get me through casual social interaction (saying a few words to people, going to stores, etc)...before I got on meds, I was 'closed up in my house, afraid to even leave because of the panic attacks.' At least I don't get panic attacks from casual conversation...however, try to get me to approach strangers, for more in-depth conversation, and you're bound to have a panic attack on your hands.

 

Maybe I need to change my second therapist (the one who's doing the cognitive behavior therapy)...however, I've gotten so much better just within the past two years. I had a complete mental breakdown, and had a suicide attempt, in 2006. I never want to go back there again.

 

In general, I feel this forum is useless, because you're giving advice for me to do stuff that I already know I should do. However, if I do them, I will throw myself into a panic attack. Maybe I should go ahead and do them, anyways, and just pass out - but I'm trying to avoid having a full blown panic attack in public, because it makes me feel uncomfortable, and it makes other people feel uncomfortable. And then they think I'm weird.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...