There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner

[ClarenceRutherford]

Personally 10 years either way is too much for me, but you need to decide what's best for you. I do think 18 is too young for a 28 year old.

Was gonna disagree.. bec. a woman I dated for a year or so in my late 20s was in her mid-late 30s. Still attractive and I saw some future. ( I was considering marrying her but she never felt the same way...)

 

However, I look at her now on her facebook page and see she's totally gray.... Not sayin' that I don't have SOME gray hairs, but I'm not near 60 like her..

 

For the 28 y.o. OP, I would think 5 years either way is prob. a better plan ( 23-28, 29-34 ) with a focus on the ones closer to your age.

 

Shy away, so to speak, from the 18-21 y.o.s as asking them would likely be a waste of time and create more rejections than you need. Just speakin' from experience here.

[orchidrose]

Yeah, personally, I would never have dated a 28 year-old guy when I was 18. When I was 19, I started dating a guy who was 23, and I remember how old he seemed at the time (oh, youth!). That's about as old as I would've gone at that age.

 

Now, at 24, my range is about 24 to early thirties. I've dated guys who are younger than me and we're not at the same places in life, which is important to me. I think I'm more at the maturity and career level of someone in their later twenties, so this makes sense for me.

 

I understand your thinking that 18-19 year-old girls will be more accepting of the fact that you're still in school, whereas a woman with a career in her later twenties might not be, but I think there are just too many fundamental differences between a 19 year-old girl and a 28 year-old man to make that a good match.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Lightbulb, you're much older now than the teenage girls, so you realistically shouldn't consider them.

 

I suggested looking for girls a little older as they're likely lonely too and looking for relationships, which is what you want, right?

 

Plus you'll likely get more dates with women closer to your age or a little older and sustain fewer rejections. You don't need more rejections at your age.

 

Trust me, I was once in a similar position to you in my late 20s. I knew a guy like me in his late 20s would be more "in demand" with the older gals.

 

Was I missing out on the hot young girls? Maybe. But look how much older I was. It was a little too late for me to date them- the older ones still in college (believe me, I tried, but couldn't relate to them). Like Orchid says, you're not going to be on the same life pages as them.

 

When I told my wife that I wouldn't mind going out with this 28-29 y.o. my wife and I recently met through family (if I were single), she said that was a dream as no way would a woman/man in their 20s consider dating someone near 50.... That's just a fact of life.

 

This professional woman was attractive but zooming into her face in the pics we took at the family function, you can tell she's aging...

 

Even if you end up with an older woman, if you fall in love with her, age shouldn't be that big a deal (as long as its not a gigantic age difference).

If you love her, you can grow in life together and have someone to love and be with you as you age as well, which is what you are seeking, correct?

[LightbulbSun]

Yeah, 23-33 sounds more realistic.

 

And to be honest, I do find the 18-21 year old girls tiring. Some are mature, but most are horribly immature. I need to find someone with my own life experience.

 

And that doesn't count sexual or relationship experience, because even an 18 year old has more relationship/sexual experience than me. It's just a fact of life.

[LightbulbSun]

Yeah, I think the site is really messing with my head. Everyone there is so negative!

 

One guy recognized me on there from here. Kind of creepy. I don't want to be associated with that forum, after reading what I read today. I'm starting to believe that I wasted my time there, instead of improving myself.

 

Now this site...I feel good when coming here, usually. I just need to learn how to take criticism (one of my biggest flaws, and everyone has pointed it out to me), but as far as being a helpful forum, this place is it.

 

I hope I'll be able to distance myself from that kind of thinking, and get back to the kind of posts I used to make on here.

[plop]

I don't even think looks play a big role in relationship, if at all.

 

I am constantly the target for physical compliments, yet I've never had a boyfriend or have bene in relationships and I'm 21.

 

Maybe they were just lying about their compliments, but still. You always see poor-lookers going on dates. If that's even a word...

[bostonbruins44]

Yeah, 23-33 sounds more realistic.

 

And to be honest, I do find the 18-21 year old girls tiring. Some are mature, but most are horribly immature. I need to find someone with my own life experience.

 

And that doesn't count sexual or relationship experience, because even an 18 year old has more relationship/sexual experience than me. It's just a fact of life.

I don't think you should put any age restrictions on potential dating partners..If a hot 18 year old became interested in you ,why would you turn it down?It likely wouldn't lead to anything long term but why limit yourself? Focus on women who appear to be showing you some interest regardless of age,as long as they are 18 plus.

[bostonbruins44]

I don't even think looks play a big role in relationship, if at all.

 

I am constantly the target for physical compliments, yet I've never had a boyfriend or have bene in relationships and I'm 21.

 

Maybe they were just lying about their compliments, but still. You always see poor-lookers going on dates. If that's even a word...

Then what do you feel you are doing wrong? You possibly aren't giving these men any encouragement at all.You have to be engaging to any possible guy you may be interested.They won't ask you out if you are making it obvious [to them ,perhaps not you]that you will turn them down.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Anyone can get a partner and anyone can be alone forever.

 

You, LBS, are completely healthy, completely formed, mentally capable, and born very luckily into a country with a higher standard of living than most. You have the capacity to change and the resources to better yourself and your situation.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I don't think you should put any age restrictions on potential dating partners..If a hot 18 year old became interested in you ,why would you turn it down?It likely wouldn't lead to anything long term but why limit yourself? Focus on women who appear to be showing you some interest regardless of age,as long as they are 18 plus.

I see what you're sayin' but realistically, why would an 18 y.o. be interested in someone near 30?

You'd have to be dreaming, as others said, if you think a hot young chick is gonna be remotely interested in an "old geezer."

A 22-year-old wouldn't have eyes for anyone in their 30s.

 

I think someone in their 30s is "over the hill" for most teenagers and girls in their 20s. They'd rather buy the "new car" vs. walking into a "used" car lot, I think.

 

I'm told a 30 y.o. wouldn't care to be with someone like me, at 48, which is a big age diff. but age diffs. aren't as big between adults vs. teenagers vs. adults.

 

If you focus on the younger girls, you're more likely to get turned-down.

9 times out of 10, the teenager or one in college will say no while the ratio may be the opposite for ones closer to your age, esp. the ones a few years older, IME.

 

I don't consider these "restrictions" - just "realities."

[ClarenceRutherford]

Yeah, 23-33 sounds more realistic.

 

And to be honest, I do find the 18-21 year old girls tiring. Some are mature, but most are horribly immature. I need to find someone with my own life experience.

 

And that doesn't count sexual or relationship experience, because even an 18 year old has more relationship/sexual experience than me. It's just a fact of life.

I wouldn't generalize like that. There are likely more young women/men in that age group that aren't that "experienced" vs. the ones in their late 20s and 30s....

 

Don't believe everything you hear in high school...

"When I look back on all the crap I learned in HS, it's a wonder I can think at all...(Paul Simon, "Kodachrome", 1973)"

 

....So don't put yourself down so much. You have a value you can offer women (notice, I didn't say girls...)

[bostonbruins44]

Young women go for older men all the time.I didn't tell LBS to focus on young women ,just not to exclude one if they came his way.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Young women go for older men all the time.I didn't tell LBS to focus on young women ,just not to exclude one if they came his way.

But we need to live in reality land, not fantasy land.

It's not likely a teenager would come his way or to any other guy near 30.

These immature girls don't have eyes for the older guys. Esp. as he says he's introverted (or shy). Of course there are exceptions, but those are rare.

 

Some things aren't gonna happen unless we change our approach. There's someone on the boards that is wanting to get married... but this poster is longing for a former BF/GF to return, though all evidence points to the ex being disinterested, not returning messages, etc. That's a fantasy as well and all the longing in the world won't bring this person back. This person is apparently in love with something that used to be, not real in the present world. That pining is holding this person back from finding real love.

 

When I was his age, I deliberately avoided the really attractive, cheerleader, "Miss popular" types as I knew I wasn't in their league or social circle and likely would get loads of rejections. So why put my head through that?

 

We just don't need to engage the OP here in fantasy. He's not 21 any more when he might have had a chance with some HAWT young chick.

Sure, nothing can stop him from TRYING. But it's just gonna be frustrating. Trust me.... experience again.

[ClarenceRutherford]

OP... about your comment on the 18-21 y.o.s having more "experience" than you.

Don't know if you noticed, but Plop, that prev. poster, she's 21 and says she hasn't had a BF or been in a relationship...

[LightbulbSun]

I'm not in my 30's, I'm 28. Surely a 22 year old, or a 26 year old, would want to date me? It's not like it's a huge age difference.

 

And I'm through trying to ask out the young girls. Although sometimes it's incredibly hard to tell how old a girl is. My last crush, she looked 19 yet she was 27 (my age.) I have a really hard time determining the difference between a 28 year old, and an 18 year old, especially if the 28 year old looks young for her age (like me.)

 

How do you suggest I breach that question, Florida? If my age is such a turn off to college girls, how can I tell which girls in college are age appropriate, without asking their age? Unless I start asking out my professors, I'm unlikely to meet anybody in college that way.

[ClarenceRutherford]

edited. Duplicate.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Edited.... bec. the editor keeps putting in when I try to write 24-28.....

Can't edit it out. I simply try to write 24-28 and it inserts that stupid smiley face...

[ClarenceRutherford]

I'm not in my 30's, I'm 28. Surely a 22 year old, or a 26 year old, would want to date me? It's not like it's a huge age difference.

And I'm through trying to ask out the young girls. Although sometimes it's incredibly hard to tell how old a girl is. My last crush, she looked 19 yet she was 27 (my age.) I have a really hard time determining the difference between a 28 year old, and an 18 year old, especially if the 28 year old looks young for her age (like me.)

 

How do you suggest I breach that question, Florida? If my age is such a turn off to college girls, how can I tell which girls in college are age appropriate, without asking their age? Unless I start asking out my professors, I'm unlikely to meet anybody in college that way.

I honestly didn't realize it can be hard telling how old women are in college. There are obv. women your age going to college so go after them.

 

I wouldn't focus on age. If you meet a woman like your last crush, or someone you think looks close to your age 24 - 28 ---- don't worry about her age. Try to get a relationship going.

 

You can get her age from her during your date. While it's generally not good to guess a woman's age (you may guess way off and commit a faux-paux), you certainly can ask her on the date.

 

Perhaps you could say someting like, "I'm 28 and going back to college to earn a degree in XYZ major... How old are you and what brought you to college?"

Or... you can ask her what year she graduated from HS... that should give you a rough idea of her age...

 

My advice on age was when it's pretty clear the girls are teenagers or young in college. I can tell what young women look like (by the way they dress mostly). I see them walk past me on the street and they never notice me. They're in their own worlds.

 

I wasn't saying your age specifically turns-off young women. Just in general, men close to 30 or in their 30s-40s are gonna strike out going after those young girls.

 

 

IT EDITED OUT NOW... don't know what the problem was...

[LightbulbSun]

 

I wasn't saying your age specifically turns-off young women. Just in general, men close to 30 or in their 30s-40s are gonna strike out going after those young girls.

 

Yeah, in general that's pretty true. And I do find women my age and a little bit older and younger to be attractive.

 

I'm rearranging my age limit to 23-33, like I said. I think a 23 year old would be interested in dating a 28 year old, especially if we're both college students. And 23 year olds are on the same level, maturity wise, as me.

 

As far as asking her age, I suppose I should just be thankful she's 18. When I was 25, I had a 16 year old girl going after me. Man, that was awkward, and not because I didn't find her attractive. I had to say to her that I was flattered, but was too old for her.

 

And lol on the smiley thing! I hate that, it's some sort of automated thing that happens on every single forum I post on. You have to move the 8 away from the ), otherwise it thinks that you're trying to make that smiley.

[galaxy71]

Uh, my sister's friend is married and has a kid with this guy who is ten years older than her. A lot of women don't have problems dating guys who older than they are. Some guys look great for their age. If you take care of your body and don't poison it with crap, you should be fine. Today, this women who worked for a store guessed my age to be 18, when I am really around LBS' age.

 

On the other side, there are young women who are extremely mature for their age. I have been hit on by women who are younger than I am. LBS' problem isn't that he is rejected by lots and lots of women who are younger than him. His problem is that he doesn't show interest in women. LBS is suffering from crippling social anxiety that prevents him from expressing interest in women. I don't think that LBS should be focused on getting a girlfriend or finding someone who will take his offer for a date. I think LBS should focus on the simple task of expressing interest to a few women a week. That's it. Don't worry about the past. Don't worry about the future when it comes to relationships and sex. Just worry about expressing interest in the women that he encounters. Because he is in a college setting, he is going to encounter a lot of women who are younger than him. Telling him to stick to women his age will make it harder for him to pracitice overcoming his anxiety with women. When he is practicing showing interest in women, he should not care about the outcome of whether women will reciprocate his interest or not. Because the OP has social anxiety, you are giving him an excuse to not express interest in women that he finds attractive.

 

I can see the OP talk himself out of approaching a woman because she might be too young for him. The OP has spent his entire life playing it safe and being passive because he doesn't want to offend people. It is interesting that you use the word "league" when it comes to why you avoided the cheerleader types. The cheerleader types can be just as nice and humble as the library bookworm. On the flip side, the library bookworm can be just as harsh toward a shy guy as some dolled-up socialite. Whatever happened to working out, buying nice clothes, and getting contact lenses in order that you can move up a league. That's something that I don't get about people who believe in leagues. When people talk about leagues, they imply that it is a caste system that people can't move up or down from. I have already seen a picture of the OP. He is better looking than some of my older friends who are past the point of no return where they can never attract young women without the aid of money.

[LightbulbSun]

Thanks for that, galaxy. You hit the nail on the head - it's because of social anxiety that I never get a date, because I haven't asked out a girl since high school.

 

Although I do admit that I can see the advantage in dating someone older. Unless a girl is extremely mature at 18-22 years old, she is NOT going to be on the same wavelength as I am. We can be friends, but I'd certainly be turned off by her immaturity, and be more likely to cut and run from such a relationship. I am past the party phase, and prefer a cup of coffee and a good book, rather than a vodka shot.

 

Also, the cheerleaders bit. Some of the nicest girls I've ever known have been cheerleaders. I was friends with the senior, junior, sophomore, and freshman cheer squads in my senior year of high school. I am still good friends with the head cheerleader of my year (she's on my Facebook), and she has been very supportive to me in times of crisis. She is a total sweetheart.

 

And I've been stabbed in the back by girls who consider themselves 'intellectuals.' I actually am attracted to intelligence, but some girls seem to have a superiority complex that comes with it, and that is a massive turnoff. I'd rather pick the nice, sweet cheerleader over the intellectual B.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Galaxy's right. You need to ask women out.

Being in college gives you a big supply of women- something you may not have in the working world after graduation. So take advantage of that. Use your time there as good "practice" on meeting women. Lots of people meet in college.

Ya never know. You may hit a home run there.

 

I'll tell you this: you're much farther along in understanding the problem and how to succeed than I was when I was in college or your age. (I think I woke up at 28-29 and decided to actively seek a life mate). I wish there were web forums then or wished I'd read some relationship books, which I did in my mid-20s.

 

On cheerleaders, I went to a very cliqueish high school. Of course, cheerleaders have personalities. Just used them as an example. Could have used SORORITY GIRLS.

(No, I wasn't some outcast in HS or college).

My point was I know who I am, know my strengths and weaknesses (shy and introverted) and what kind of girls/women I have had success with in getting to go out with me.

I'm not athletic nor care about sports so I didn't ask out those big in that area. Perhaps I sold myself short in some areas.

 

Galaxy- thanks for the complement. That pic is actually from 2006. My hair may have a little gray in it, but I look very similar. Don't know why I decided to post it. Tried to find one that wasn't so identifiable. I took that of myself while experimenting with a digital camera.

[LightbulbSun]

I suppose we went to different types of high schools. In my high school, there were cliques, but that was only for dating. I was the 'nerd', and yet I was friends with the football players and with the cheerleaders. They would invite me to their table. In fact, I would alternate who I ate lunch with; sometimes it was the nerds, sometimes it was the loners, sometimes it was the football players/cheerleaders. As long as I saw a friendly face, I would say hi and sit down.

 

And I think I need to start asking out girls. The last girl 'figured out' that I liked her, and decided to let me down by 'being distant and cold.' As a result, I was hurt. That actually hurt more than if I had asked her out, and she had said "no." So there, I learned a life lesson: direct rejection hurts a lot less than indirect rejection!

[ClarenceRutherford]

And I think I need to start asking out girls. The last girl 'figured out' that I liked her, and decided to let me down by 'being distant and cold.' As a result, I was hurt. That actually hurt more than if I had asked her out, and she had said "no." So there, I learned a life lesson: direct rejection hurts a lot less than indirect rejection!

I've never heard of that kind of experience. A girl rejects you even before you ask her out.

 

How did you figure that she liked you and more importantly, how did you determine that she tried to let you down?

 

Sounds pretty cold to me. Not the kind of girl I'd want to invest my emotions in.:sad:

[newwave]

I wasn't saying your age specifically turns-off young women. Just in general, men close to 30 or in their 30s-40s are gonna strike out going after those young girls.[/i]

 

Yes. You get it, but so many men are delusional when it comes to age and looks. Yes SOME women will date men much older and SOME women will date unattractive men (though they are pretty) but the reality is this is not the case for most. Yet men (notice it's rarely women?) seem to believe this is true. One only has to lurk on various online dating sites to see men who are average or below average looks and occupation pursuing these women then wondering why they are still single. Meanwhile they reject women they shouldn't because they are delusional.