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There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


LightbulbSun
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I think a significant amount of mature women are likely looking for sex,perhaps even more so than when they were young.You seem to come up with a million reasons why it can't happen for you ,why not start searching for that one reason that tells you it can happen for you .

 

Bingo. There are plenty of women out there at all ages who aren't looking for more than casual sex. You just have to find them, and you're not going to do that by creating thread after thread here.

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"Just be all happy and sorted-out and then the girls show up!". Yeah, about that. Wishing it was that easy ... hell, I would be married right now. I see variations of this advice all the time. The corollary to this advice is that unhappy people with issues don't find mates. Yet they can and do. And the "they won't get dates because they are negative" thing? I see it as blaming the victims.

 

My advice to LightBulb is yes, forget about women. Control what you can control - and realize that not everyone gets everything that they want in life. Maybe you will meet someone special. Maybe. But there are no guarantees.

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The corollary to this advice is that unhappy people with issues don't find mates. Yet they can and do. And the "they won't get dates because they are negative" thing? I see it as blaming the victims.

 

Yes, and again, unhappy people may get into relationships but there's a good chance that those relationships are with other unhappy people to form an overall unhappy situation.

 

And I would hate to think of myself as a "victim" of anything. It's sad that anyone would see themselves that way, particularly in reference to dating.

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I find that most (though not all) people who are single (but don't want to be), tend to not get out there enough. It's not so much that people are rejecting them, so much as they aren't meeting enough people or asking them out.

 

 

I agree,

 

Factor in busy work-schedules and being engrossed in their hobbies in what little spare time they have, and they will have less of a chance finding someone. It takes a lot of effort on their part to find time to invest in meeting someone. I've been in that boat for years. I might have to sacrifice a few hobbies and make more time for being out and about more often. Problem is, the town I live in is kind of dull except for a mall and a few pubs...which are usually full of drunks anyway. My only option is to drive to the city which is and hour and 20 mins away more often for a good night out. Until then, I'm just going to enjoy my freedom as a single.

 

-Leftright

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I find that most (though not all) people who are single (but don't want to be), tend to not get out there enough. It's not so much that people are rejecting them, so much as they aren't meeting enough people or asking them out.

 

Yep. It also depends on where you live. Where I live now there aren't a lot of single people, except elderly. When I live closer to the major city I see lots of single people in their 40's and yes even 50's!

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After observing my lack of success in dating I'm almost certain that I'm in that subsection of the population that will never find a partner. To be honest, I think personality has to a lot to do with it because my personality pretty much insures that I will stay single. Now the only issue that remains is how to get used to my reality.

Edited by /Jake/
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I'm not trying to create a downer thread, just for the sake of it. But let's be realistic: there is a possibility that I will never have sex, never get a first kiss, never get married and have kids and live the dream. Therefore, is it better to just delve into my own interests, and forget about girls, unless one shows interest in me?

 

Whatever you do, please dont do what you wrote above.. You will only regret that you wasted the prime of your life.. Well, I understand that relationships are not that easy to come by buy you would be at a much worse situation with the farer sex if you dont even try.. You said so many things that you think you dont possess.. I suggest you work on what you have.. Simplest things could be, work on improving your personality, attitude, outlook.. Go to a gym and shape up your body.. I know that these things are easier said that done, but try to work on them.. As I know, many women are NOT attracted to a mans physical appearance..

 

It has everything to do with how a man makes her feel.. And thats all about it ..

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After observing my lack of success in dating I'm almost certain that I'm in that subsection of the population that will never find a partner. To be honest, I think personality has to a lot to do with it because my personality pretty much insures that I will stay single. Now the only issue that remains is how to get used to my reality.

 

Luckily you are younger so you can change. I am going to be 40 in January and I seriously doubt if the man I want never comes around I will find anyone. I am angry but the man I love wanted to be with me years ago and now he can't because of issues. I really regret that I never gave him a chance and will pay for it the rest of his life. Then again so will he. Some people never find anyone.

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Yep. It also depends on where you live. Where I live now there aren't a lot of single people, except elderly. When I live closer to the major city I see lots of single people in their 40's and yes even 50's!

 

I agree. But I think it depends more on the city itself rather than just the size of a city. I live in a huge city, but I am not into the things that draw people to this city. So I am doomed until I move.

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I agree. But I think it depends more on the city itself rather than just the size of a city. I live in a huge city, but I am not into the things that draw people to this city. So I am doomed until I move.

 

Probably. For instance I live near Chicago, a city with a lot of unmarried residents. Now for instance a big city down south probably doesn't have as many singles because it's more expected to get married younger there.

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The idea is to find what makes you happy and do it. Another human is not going to fulfill that for you.

 

There are legitimate emotional needs which are fulfilled primarily by other people. That's why solitary confinement is such a hard punishment. The idea that one can become all happy and fulfilled by themselves is a fiction. People break down when they are alone, eventually going completely insane.

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There are legitimate emotional needs which are fulfilled primarily by other people. That's why solitary confinement is such a hard punishment. The idea that one can become all happy and fulfilled by themselves is a fiction. People break down when they are alone, eventually going completely insane.

 

There is a difference between no contact with any other human and being single. If you are single and that is solitary confinement for you, then you need to build some relationships with family and friends. What people are trying to say here is that one person, an s.o., cannot fill an emotional hole in another. That is something we have to do for ourselves. This idea has nothing to do with the biological fact that humans need other humans. They're two separate ideas.

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Yes, not everyone finds a partner. Let's just say I am well past my prime and I never married. My chances of ever marrying at my age are statistically remote. But even I can admit that is extremely rare. Most people will find someone.

What do you consider "past your prime?"

We're all anonymous here so you shouldn't worry about posting your age.

(You may have said it but I'm only on page 1 of this 8-page blockbuster).

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Be gratefull for this challenge that you have in front of you,LightbulbSun..This is your challenge!! Have you ever looked at it in those terms..You have the resources to accomplish your goal..It's not rocket science in theory.You have to find a way to overcome your anxiety so you can let a member of the opposite sex know that you are interested in them.It's speculation on my part but I would guess that the majority of women that you have desired at some point in your life were basically clueless to you being interested in them.I don't think you will ever become a player[who can really] but is it impossible to think that you can't find ONE woman on this planet whom you are attracted to who will reciprocate that interest?

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Well, here are the things I've started doing

 

- Picked out some new glasses yesterday

- Started growing a beard. I haven't shaved for 3 weeks, and everyone is complimenting me. I also noticed several girls checking me out yesterday, and one girl (who I bought three drinks from at a fast food restaurant) actually seemed incredibly shy when talking to me. Not uncomfortable, but she was blushing and looked down a lot and smiling.

- I have made it a goal to go to the gym and start lifting weights. I know I've said that before, but I think it's time. Also, I've looked at myself naked in the mirror for the first time (really), and noticed two things: 1. My body isn't unattractive, and 2. If I got naked with a girl tomorrow, she wouldn't laugh at me or be turned off by my body.

- I have cut out the sugary drinks from my diet, after realizing that sugar makes me feel like crap, and so does the caffeine in soda. Coffee is different, I can drink 4-5 cups of coffee a day and not feel bad. But sugar is like poison.

- I've widened my age range. Instead of only dating 18-21 year olds, I'm going to date up to 35. So 18-35. I think that's reasonable, because I find girls that old attractive, and girls that young attractive...therefore anybody who falls in between those ages is perfectly acceptable.

- I'm willing to date an overweight girl, if I find her attractive. I will always find skinny girls more attractive, there's no doubt about that, but if I found a chubby girl who had everything else right, I would get into a relationship with her.

- I'm no longer going to treat girls like 'make it or break it.' What I mean is that I'm no longer going to go into an interaction expecting to date and live happily ever after, or be rejected until I find the perfect girl. There is no perfect girl. And the key to healthy relationships is to go out there and date, even if you don't like the person that much, because they might just grow on you.

- I'm no longer going to treat my virginity like a disease. Yeah, sure, I'd like to have sex, but as many people have said to me recently, sometimes blowjobs/handjobs/footjobs/other mutual sex acts other than intercourse, can be more fulfilling than intercourse itself. One dude told me that sex was overrated, unless it was with someone who you had lots of sex with (and therefore, was able to refine a skill.) He also told me that the first time, no matter if you've been having sex since you were a teenager, or if you are a virgin, will always suck. I didn't know this, and to think about it, it does make sense.

 

Therefore, I'm no longer going to put pressure on myself. I know I'm an attractive guy, I know I'm perfectly capable of getting a girlfriend and having sex, and I also know that I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship. Therefore, my position right now is that I'll take whatever comes along. If a girl offers herself up as a one-night stand, or a FWB situation, I'd take that (unless I wasn't physically attracted to her or she repulsed me in some way.) If it goes beyond that, great. If it doesn't, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I've chosen to not be influenced by society's view on virginity and how a man should 'have sex with as many women as possible.' If it happens, great. If it doesn't, I'm not going to let that bring me down...because I am a valuable person, I have people in my life who love me and who I love, and that is enough.

 

Being a 28 year old with no experience DOES NOT make me a freak. And that goes for every age. We all live our own life, we all write our own stories...whatever fills the pages is what makes us unique, and makes us worthy. And everyone is capable of love, some just find it later than others.

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I've widened my age range. Instead of only dating 18-21 year olds, I'm going to date up to 35. So 18-35. I think that's reasonable, because I find girls that old attractive, and girls that young attractive...therefore anybody who falls in between those ages is perfectly acceptable.

That's good to hear.

You really should focus on girls closer to your own age, if not a little older. The older ones are more likely to be looking for relationships than the teenagers and ones in their early 20s. I finally figured that out in my late 20s and went for women in their early-mid 30s.

 

As you're 28, a better refinement might be "26-37" with a focus on 28-33.

 

C'mon. Do you seriously think an 18-19 y.o. would be interested in a guy close to 30?

Just like this 28-29 y.o. my wife and I met. I joked about how I could date someone like her if I was single. She said it would be fantasy to think a woman her age would be interested in a guy close to 50!! Talk about an ego-smasher.

 

Remember, those "older" women can be pretty hot too.

- I'm no longer going to treat my virginity like a disease.

This is a positive step too, lightbulb.

Like Fudgie said, don't advertise the fact that you're a virgin.

It may come up but that should be much later in the relationship, just like your inquiring of her sexual history would be inappropriate in the early stages of dating.

Some women may also view this as a positive.

In case you haven't read my posts, I had limited experience at 28 as well, maybe 3X with a HS GF and 2 "encounters" later on. Never "really" making love, so I knew very little as well.

I'm no longer going to put pressure on myself. I know I'm an attractive guy, I know I'm perfectly capable of getting a girlfriend and having sex, and I also know that I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship. Therefore, my position right now is that I'll take whatever comes along. If a girl offers herself up as a one-night stand, or a FWB situation, I'd take that (unless I wasn't physically attracted to her or she repulsed me in some way.) If it goes beyond that, great. If it doesn't, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I've chosen to not be influenced by society's view on virginity and how a man should 'have sex with as many women as possible.' If it happens, great. If it doesn't, I'm not going to let that bring me down...because I am a valuable person, I have people in my life who love me and who I love, and that is enough.

Good to hear about lessening the pressure. Self-imposed pressure only hurts your confidence. And you need as much confidence as you can get.

 

Also great to hear you're not going along with the lie that a man should have sex with as many women as possible. That wouldn't be good for you either.

I think you're more of a relationship guy anyway.

Being a 28 year old with no experience DOES NOT make me a freak. And that goes for every age. We all live our own life, we all write our own stories...whatever fills the pages is what makes us unique, and makes us worthy. And everyone is capable of love, some just find it later than others.

How true. Good gem of wisdom there, lightbulb.

Edited by ClarenceRutherford
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You really should focus on girls closer to your own age, if not a little older. The older ones are more likely to be looking for relationships than the teenagers and ones in their early 20s. I finally figured that out in my late 20s and went for women in their early-mid 30s.

 

Same I'm surprised you were targeting after 18-21; the same people who you say how you're stuck with in a bad way because they're harder to relate too. Anyway never mind good post. That particular bit was just news to me that's all lol

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-sigh- Now if only I could hear from a guy that he doesn't give a crap about looks and have it not be a lie. At least you're honest.

 

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, there are some girls who don't care about looks as long as you don't look like you'd infect them with some heinous disease. Girls like me, who are satisfied with a man who has personality and brains. Attractive people don't always have this, or are more likely to find a more attractive girl/guy. However even the ugliest of girls can be the nicest of women, and that goes ditto for guys. They also can be the meanest and stingiest, while the attractive ones can be kind. It's all about personality and what you like. If a plain but nice, sensible chick isn't for you, go with someone with a flair and looks.

 

As for the site, quit. I used to belong to an absolutely horrid site, intended for quizzes but which quickly turned into drama. The drama sucked me in, caused me to be involved with quite a few downhill relationships, and ruined my self esteem. It's all about not getting sucked in, I suppose. They aren't people in your life, so their opinions should not matter.

 

You won't be a virgin forever if you keep thinking positively. HOWEVER I ask you not to rush into a relationship, to save your virginity for the girl you love most and who loves you in return. Otherwise you'll hurt her, yourself, and cause all sorts of problems. It should never be a race to loose your virginity, though it might feel like it.

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-You won't be a virgin forever if you keep thinking positively. HOWEVER I ask you not to rush into a relationship, to save your virginity for the girl you love most and who loves you in return. Otherwise you'll hurt her, yourself, and cause all sorts of problems. It should never be a race to loose your virginity, though it might feel like it.

Sound advice.

I've widened my age range. Instead of only dating 18-21 year olds, I'm going to date up to 35. So 18-35. I think that's reasonable, because I find girls that old attractive, and girls that young attractive...therefore anybody who falls in between those ages is perfectly acceptable.

- I'm willing to date an overweight girl, if I find her attractive. I will always find skinny girls more attractive, there's no doubt about that, but if I found a chubby girl who had everything else right, I would get into a relationship with her.

Expanding to the non-thin girls is also wise, as there may be more of those than the pencil-thin girls.

 

Ditching the really young girls is also smart.

 

Think of your own range you set for yourself.

I see you didn't go over 35.

 

Why???

 

You're 28. But 18 is -10 and 38 is +10.

 

See, you yourself didn't want to go to 10+ years, so why would someone 18 want to go over 10 years?

Edited by ClarenceRutherford
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Sound advice.

 

Expanding to the non-thin girls is also wise, as there may be more of those than the pencil-thin girls.

 

Ditching the really young girls is also smart.

 

Think of your own range you set for yourself.

I see you didn't go over 35.

 

Why???

 

You're 28. But 18 is -10 and 38 is +10.

 

See, you yourself didn't want to go to 10+ years, so why would someone 18 want to go over 10 years?

 

So do you think I should set my dating range from 18-38 years old?

 

That's reasonable. I'd be up for that.

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So do you think I should set my dating range from 18-38 years old?

 

That's reasonable. I'd be up for that.

 

Personally 10 years either way is too much for me, but you need to decide what's best for you. I do think 18 is too young for a 28 year old.

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