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There is a certain subsection of the population that will never find a partner


LightbulbSun
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Agree or disagree?

 

I've just come from a forum full of lonely men, who have never kissed a girl, never lost their virginity, never experienced any form of intimacy with the opposite sex, you name it. There are a few people over there with a few screws loose, but in general these are good people. You can tell from their posts.

 

However, life has made them bitter, and I wonder...is there a purpose for these guys? Or for me? After all, I'm in the same position, and while I've observed quite a lot from friends and family regarding relationships, I still can't say with certainty that I know what it's like...because I don't. The closest I've ever been to a girl, other than a female friend, is brushing up against a hot girl at a rock concert or on the transit on the way to somewhere. And, you know, this makes me extremely lonely, because I desire to be touched and loved, and I feel like I lost the genetic lottery.

 

These guys are also really down on their looks, themselves and others. They called me ugly. I don't know if I am, but I felt that way before I joined their forum...and I still feel that way. Honestly, that BDD diagnosis was probably inaccurate, with my therapist blowing smoke up my behind, because I certainly am not attractive like the players that go around snagging all the good looking women.

 

So...date down, you'd say. First off, I don't require a model, and I am a sucker for girls with pretty faces. I'd be perfectly fine with dating someone average, or less than model worthy. I'm more drawn to personality, anyway. But I feel like I can't even get that, because I'm not pretty. How can I demand a pretty girl, when I'm not so pretty myself?

 

Looks plays a heavy part in attraction. So does sexual experience, sexual appeal, and life experience. All places that I have deficits in.

 

I'm not trying to create a downer thread, just for the sake of it. But let's be realistic: there is a possibility that I will never have sex, never get a first kiss, never get married and have kids and live the dream. Therefore, is it better to just delve into my own interests, and forget about girls, unless one shows interest in me? Is it better to accept my fate, rather than be surprised if my life doesn't turn out the way I want it to?

 

Is it better to live for yourself, rather than live for a dream that might possibly never come true for us?

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Sure it is possible that you never find anyone. But I think the possibility is very low. Since you are only 28 and you're gonna live up to 80 something years. So yeah, you will most probably kiss and have sex at some point. The possibility of finding a loving amazing relationship tho is much lower. Not only for you, but for most people.

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Sure it is possible that you never find anyone. But I think the possibility is very low. Since you are only 28 and you're gonna live up to 80 something years. So yeah, you will most probably kiss and have sex at some point. The possibility of finding a loving amazing relationship tho is much lower. Not only for you, but for most people.

 

This is true, but most people have experienced relationships by my age. Hell, most people are married with kids by my age.

 

I think the percentage was 1.7% of the general population will remain virgins for their entire lifetimes. From what I've researched and what I've experienced, this is very accurate. Relationships come more easily to some people than others.

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This is true, but most people have experienced relationships by my age. Hell, most people are married with kids by my age.

 

I think the percentage was 1.7% of the general population will remain virgins for their entire lifetimes. From what I've researched and what I've experienced, this is very accurate. Relationships come more easily to some people than others.

 

Yeah, so what? I experienced relationship later than most girls too, but it still happened. Like I said, you have a long life ahead of you and I'm sure you're gonna find a partner.

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Yep, there is a subset of the population that will never date and are "doomed" to remain virgins forever. They include both men and women, you just haven't met the women part yet because you went onto a "lonely male virgin" forum. This subset is forever destined to be lonely, pathetic, sad, unhappy, virgin, no sex, no romance, no marriage, nothing...until the day they die.

 

Ok, here's the good news:

 

you don't have to be a part of this subset. If you keep feeding into this negative thinking (Am I destined to be alone FOREVER AND EVER) and go to lonely male virgin forums like that, I will GUARANTEE you will be alone, as will all the other lonely male virgins out there.

 

Here's what you have to do to NOT be a part of that subset: be happy. take a walk, take up biking, lose some weight if you want/need to, get a job, do volunteer work, go back to school if you want to, go to a doctor and see what can be done for depression and other illnesses, re-organize yourself, get some new clothes, go to new situations, meet new friends, find new hobbies....then come the girls. But not before.

In other words (concisely), yes, there IS a subset of the population, male and female, doomed to be alone forever. However, it is not society or their circumstances that doom them, it is themselves. They think negative thoughts and by doing that, they isolate themselves, unknowingly. They have only themselves to blame in the end. And sometimes, it's easier to be alone and blame everyone else than to take a step back and make those hard changes, including going out of your comfort zone, to progress in life.

 

(I want you to keep in mind what I underlined. It is so very important.)

 

C'mon LightBulb, you can do it! I believe in you.

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i dont know.. i thought i was like that too, destined to be alone forever. and then my boyfriend happened and i always doubt him because i didn't think something like love would happen to someone like me. and it did, or does. i dont blame you for being bitter, but being bitter push people away...

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Thanks Fudgie! You've always been one of my favorite posters, and I appreciate your comments.

 

I've actually thought about leaving that forum, because everyone there is so negative. Their views also don't usually mesh with mine, and I have about 3 posters following me around in my threads on there and calling me names. I feel like I was a happier person before I started posting there...so maybe it IS the negativity that's bringing me down.

 

Although I still don't see how I can break out of this cycle. I've gotten so used to being alone, that even though I desire companionship, I feel like I would go crazy if I shared my life with someone. I'm also afraid of sex, like paralyzed with fear...what if I'm not any good? What if she breaks up with me over it not being good? The uncertainties are so wide, that it's much, much easier to just sit back and stay in my comfort zone, than to go out and pursue women.

 

I realize this is all stuff I need to work on in therapy, but I have some deep rooted anxiety issues, and they're interfering with me ever becoming close to a girl. It's like a wall of anxiety, that pushes us apart.

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In other words (concisely), yes, there IS a subset of the population, male and female, doomed to be alone forever. However, it is not society or their circumstances that doom them, it is themselves. They think negative thoughts and by doing that, they isolate themselves, unknowingly. They have only themselves to blame in the end. And sometimes, it's easier to be alone and blame everyone else than to take a step back and make those hard changes, including going out of your comfort zone, to progress in life.[/u]

 

(I want you to keep in mind what I underlined. It is so very important.)

 

C'mon LightBulb, you can do it! I believe in you.

 

This is true to some degree, but not completely. Who we are, how we look do really play a role in our chances in dating. I don't think it's fair to say that they only have themselves to blame. But I agree that a negative attitude is the worst. Even attractive people lose chances because of their attitude.

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This is true to some degree, but not completely. Who we are, how we look do really play a role in our chances in dating. I don't think it's fair to say that they only have themselves to blame. But I agree that a negative attitude is the worst. Even attractive people lose chances because of their attitude.

 

I've had chances, at least I think I have. However, I've never been able to reciprocate.

 

I wish there were dating classes, or some place you could learn how to date. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and do it, regardless.

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I've had chances, at least I think I have. However, I've never been able to reciprocate.

 

I wish there were dating classes, or some place you could learn how to date. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and do it, regardless.

 

It was a general statement, not directed at you. You have to work on your anxiety issues I think. That's what holding you back the most.

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This is true to some degree, but not completely. Who we are, how we look do really play a role in our chances in dating. I don't think it's fair to say that they only have themselves to blame. But I agree that a negative attitude is the worst. Even attractive people lose chances because of their attitude.

 

I think when your attitude changes, you change too, inside and out. If you're willing to make a change(s) in your life and be happy, then you'll do those things, including losing weight (for health/appearance), etc.

 

I've known a lot of people and I can tell you that the ONLY people who are left alone in the end are those with bad attitudes who don't make an effort on themselves or others. So really in end, the only problem boils down to themselves. I think there are people out for you once you're willing to make that 'tude change.

 

Heck, even my boyfriend was alone for almost a decade before he met me. why? Because he didn't make an effort to meet people or do anything. He just continued to go to work and kept to himself. Then, he decided to make changes and reach out and he found me.

 

I really, really do believe that there is someone out there for everyone if you are willing to better yourself as a person and are open to them.

 

Lightbulb,

 

I don't think that forum is good for you. at all. really, don't go there anymore, it will make you feel like crap. Come here instead. (that is, if you feel happier here). Part of breaking the cycle is severing yourself from people who make you feel negatively needlessly. Now of course, there will be negative people you can't "sever" easily (like a boss) but a forum? That's easy.

 

I think you're afraid of the unknown and change. It's ok to be afraid of change, most people are, in fact. But don't let it hinder you. Change is a part of life. If you want things to be different, then you need change. You say that you're scared of sex and the possible bad consequences of a relationship but I think you know deep down that you still really want to be in one.

 

I've told you this before on other threads and I think you need to break out of your comfort zone. I remember you saying one time that you were going to go out and get apps for jobs. Did you do that? I think you'll feel better if you make a "plan" on what to do.

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Sure there are people who will never marry but it's a small percentage. I've read that 90% of the population marries at least once so almost everyone will marry. Even those people who state they never want to marry will eventually marry (which is why I take those comments lightly in the beginning). Out of the 10% who never marry are gay people (this of course is changing and curious how this will affect the stats), people who plan a religious vocation (priests, nuns, etc), people who just never plan to marry or never meet the right person. I'm sure if you take these people out of the stats, I'm sure it's an even higher percentage of people who marry. I've even seen people marry later than the average, and the average is going up. You are 28 so I honestly wouldn't worry yet. I know many who married first time in their 40's.

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Well, I guess we just have to disagree on this. I think it's easy to say that all people can find love and perhaps is something that most people want/need to hear. But that doesn't make it true. Just like the fact that not all people can be rich in the current system, not all people can have fullfilling love lives with the way things are in this world. Now obviously trying and perhaps a good attitude can increase their chances...but does that guarantee them having success in love? no, some will succeed and some won't.

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I guess we will have to agree to disagree.

 

I understand what you're saying. I think if someone has the time/is willing to look EVERYWHERE for a partner (net, hometown, etc.) then they will find something. Maybe it won't be perfect, but it will be something (nothing's perfect). There are millions of possible partners out there for each of us, some better than others, all have some possibility of making us happy. But its on us to find them.

 

I am saying this to LightBulb not because it's what he or I need/want to hear, but because it's what I've seen and I truly do believe it.

 

But yeah, agree to disagree. I respect your opinion.

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I guess we will have to agree to disagree.

 

I understand what you're saying. I think if someone has the time/is willing to look EVERYWHERE for a partner (net, hometown, etc.) then they will find something. Maybe it won't be perfect, but it will be something (nothing's perfect). There are millions of possible partners out there for each of us, some better than others, all have some possibility of making us happy. But its on us to find them.

 

I am saying this to LightBulb not because it's what he or I need/want to hear, but because it's what I've seen and I truly do believe it.

 

But yeah, agree to disagree. I respect your opinion.

 

Something? yeah, I guess most people can find "something". That something might be the least attractive to them or cheats on them and break their hearts to pieces. What I meant was a good desirable relationship. Most people can settle to an unhappy relationship for sure.

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Something? yeah, I guess most people can find "something". That something might be the least attractive to them or cheats on them and break their hearts to pieces. What I meant was a good desirable relationship. Most people can settle to an unhappy relationship for sure.

 

When I said "something" I meant AT LEAST a happy companionship. That's what I consider "something". Maybe it won't be a really passionate relationship or ground-breaking, but it's "something" and it's happy and no one is getting cheated on/heart broken.

 

Sorry just wanted to get that cleared up.

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I just turned 31 a few weeks ago and am in the same situation. Alone, never had sex or even been on a date, etc.

 

I suspect I'll end up being alone forever even though that's not what I want. I occasionally go through periods where this makes me very sad and depressed, but most of the time I am numb to it. I just spend my time occupying myself with work, books, video games, etc. As much as I'd like to experience a relationship and physical/emotional intimacy, I just keep pushing to occupy my time in other ways.

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I just turned 31 a few weeks ago and am in the same situation. Alone, never had sex or even been on a date, etc.

 

I suspect I'll end up being alone forever even though that's not what I want. I occasionally go through periods where this makes me very sad and depressed, but most of the time I am numb to it. I just spend my time occupying myself with work, books, video games, etc. As much as I'd like to experience a relationship and physical/emotional intimacy, I just keep pushing to occupy my time in other ways.

 

Same here. The only difference is I have had sex and bf's. But never anything that became serious and nothing long term. They always break it off, not me. But I'm glad I didn't end up with someone who doesn't love me.

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I know how easy it can be to get down on yourself when you really want a relationship. But I have to agree with Fudgie..get yourself out there! Girls are attracted to happy, confident guys. Work on building up your self esteem and finding things you really enjoy doing. Don't make a decision that you will never find someone. Once you have that attitude, there is a good chance it will come true. Try to be positive, happy, and find some hobbies and interests that allow you to have fun and make some new friends. You'll feel better about yourself emotionally and will open up your social network. Good Luck!

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Yes, not everyone finds a partner. Let's just say I am well past my prime and I never married. My chances of ever marrying at my age are statistically remote. But even I can admit that is extremely rare. Most people will find someone.

 

I don't know your age, but I know many people who married in their 40's. The stats that used to be promoted as fact (the one about that women over a certain age have a better chance of a nuclear attack for example) have been proven false. In fact there was a study in 1986 where they profiled women over 30 still single and said their chances of marriage were low. Anyway they went back and found out somewhere like 80-90% of those women did eventually marry.

 

Having said that, yes many of us will have to compromise on certain things.

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Everyone posting here is the product of sex. Our behaviours and emotions are the product of evolution, whose purpose is the advancement of evolution. Including love and loneliness.

 

We don't exist to find 'love' but to reproduce. Pairbonding exists only so that offspring can survive into maturity. So yeah, there have always been those who sex eludes and those who get a disproportionate amount. If you're dominant, handsome and wealthy you'll get plenty. If you're a poor submissive runt then probably not. We're random sprites in a computer simulation with selection paramaters that exclude a good chunk of the population. The result is not predetermined, but probabilistic.

 

It's not politically correct to say this, but romantic love is a fiction.

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Everyone posting here is the product of sex. Our behaviours and emotions are the product of evolution, whose purpose is the advancement of evolution. Including love and loneliness.

 

We don't exist to find 'love' but to reproduce. Pairbonding exists only so that offspring can survive into maturity. So yeah, there have always been those who sex eludes and those who get a disproportionate amount. If you're dominant, handsome and wealthy you'll get plenty. If you're a poor submissive runt then probably not. We're random sprites in a computer simulation with selection paramaters that exclude a good chunk of the population. The result is not predetermined, but probabilistic.

 

It's not politically correct to say this, but romantic love is a fiction.

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