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Got back together with my ex after a non chance failure?


sadchick83

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So I met my ex last night for dinner...the night before I confirmed we were on, while I was heading downtown to meet a client for drinks at a steakhouse. Seems this worried my ex because 2 hours later he called me with a silly grammatical question...more like just checking in.

 

So our Saturday night dinner date started off non-chalantly. I have had a few offers from guys this week, one in particular from a nicely dressed, intelligent guy I met walking my dog, so I felt confident coming into the night.

 

About halfway though our dinner, my ex brought up the fact that he was really bothered by me making him move. Our break up(about 2 months ago) was caused by him disrepecting me-name calling, disappearing for 3 days (we lived together) and me changing the locks on my house, after I spent an entire long weekend waiting for him to show up to go out of town.

 

I realize it is taboo in a non chalant world, but I asked him calmly if he would be bothered by me dating other guys.

 

HIM: "no, I would be happy for you, as long as it was not one of my friends."

 

ME: "ok, but there is a guy who is really trying to date me, but my preference is to be with you, and I want to give our relationship another chance."

 

HIM: "I dont really want to be in a defined relationship now."

 

Me: I texted the other guy, and asked for the cheque, and walked out of the restaurant.

I calmly asked my ex if he would not mind dropping me off at another bar on his way home since it was only 10:30 pm.

 

 

When we got back to my house, he held my hand and wanted to discuss a reconciliation, he held me and said he did not want to loose me He even said he would be celebate and would like to be friends for an undisclosed period of time for now. We hugged on my sofa for about an hour, then we were intimate...he held me all night, much tighter than usual.

 

I just cannot believe I used honesty, then had to go so far as ask him to drop me off at another bar before he would break.

 

I guess I was non chalant, because I just stated the facts, I wasnt upset, just being honest.

 

By the way, he has only been working for the last two months. And intimacy was not a very important part of our relationship.

 

Can anyone give any insight? Has this happened to anyone? I just thought, he brought up the relationship, and I am tired of being in limbo (neither of us has been with other people) so we laid everyhting out on the table.

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Well played sadchick!

 

I want to do something similar but make a reference to online dating. I want her to know that I've started to talk to someone online so she can make her decision already... no idea how best to bring it up though as I'm trying to be nonchalant and don't want to look like I'm just bringing it up to make her jealous.

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He only wants to be friends right now and for an "undisclosed amount of time." He only wanted to discuss reconciliation, not actually do it yet. He's keeping you around so you don't date this DogMan, but doesn't want to be with you yet, either. That's not fair to you. I'm sorry, but I don't think you have him back yet.

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I'm with kate. Let him think and miss you for awhile. That's the only way he will trully make up his mind. In the meantime go on a date or two and try not to think about him. U deserve better at the moment doesn't mean that's not him just not right now. He needs to miss you.

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Does anyone wonder why he said he offered to remain celibate (would not be with ANY other woman) in order to keep our friendship in tact, while he figures out where he wants our relationship to go?

 

this whole situation has me very depressed tonight

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I'm sure his offer to remain celibate was so that you would agree to it too. Or at least to get you feeling guilty if you were to start something with another guy. I'm sure he was planning to remain celibate anyway. It sounds like he really needs to work on himself and wants you to wait while he does. Whether you're up for that is up to you, but this doesn't sound like it's over or that he is chasing someone else on the side.

 

You made him scared for sure. That is something to be proud of, not depressed. Best luck!

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I have some new info... his desk is still at my house--we were sharing the desk. There was $80 in an envelope (his). I noticed this morning the envelope is gone. I have a feeling -- (although he has been working hard he is pricing his reno work too cheaply) he is down to his last dollar.

 

Maybe this is why he wants to put our status on hold? Now that I think of it he did mention a few things about ripping himself off for under pricing.

 

A year ago, when I was short on cash he paid the big bill for the dog hotel while we went on vacation. It was such a relief and nice gesture,

 

Maybe I should tell him in a kind way his lack of money does not bother me? I know how it is to start your own business. When he did have money, he was generous.

 

Would this help the situation?

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Why are you willing to settle for a man that is lukewarm when it comes to his feelings for you? YOur ex IS lukewarm at best. Do you how men that are HOT for you act? You don't ever have to question the HOT man's feelings, intensions, or his interest, he chases you and makes it apparent through his actions, his words or both.

 

Never fall for a man's potential unless you like disappointment and frustration. Kick this one to the curb and move on.

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Why are you willing to settle for a man that is lukewarm when it comes to his feelings for you? YOur ex IS lukewarm at best. Do you how men that are HOT for you act? You don't ever have to question the HOT man's feelings, intensions, or his interest, he chases you and makes it apparent through his actions, his words or both.

 

Never fall for a man's potential unless you like disappointment and frustration. Kick this one to the curb and move on.

 

Sometimes people love the thrill of the chase and are smart enough to know how to be very good hunters... I would much rather see if a lukewarm man warms up than to have a hot man cool down on me as soon as I let him know he has caught me.

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OK, saying he doesn't want a 'defined' relationship and saying he wants to just be friends for a while is saying the same thing. So he didn't 'break', since he's still repeating he doesn't want to be your boyfriend and date you right now. He just wants to leave that door open in case he decides to come back (doesn't meet someone he likes better?)...

 

I wouldn't stop dating other guys while he enjoys 'celibacy' which in no way says he also won't be dating/scoping out other girls, just not having sex with them. So be careful for what you sign up for here because he's basically signing up to a friend with *maybe* the option of a future together but maybe not.

 

So you have to decide how long you're willing to be in limbo.

 

And don't assume it is a money problem. Money has nothing to do with being a BF/GF, because you can always just hang out at home or do things that don't cost money together. You should really try to believe what he tells you (that he's not interested in a GF now) rather than things you think offer a better prognosis like 'money problems' because that is often wishful thinking on your part and grasping at straws as to why you offered yourself up on a platter and he turned you down.

 

There is no reason he couldn't date you now if he really wanted to... other than he doesn't want to!

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And don't assume it is a money problem. Money has nothing to do with being a BF/GF, because you can always just hang out at home or do things that don't cost money together.

 

I would disagree with that, depending on the individual. To a lot of guys, money is fundamental for them to feel like they are 'providing' for their loved ones. And this is hugely tied into self esteem. Men with low self esteem would rather not commit (to anything, work, relationships) due to fear of messing it up and letting people down.

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Sometimes people love the thrill of the chase and are smart enough to know how to be very good hunters... I would much rather see if a lukewarm man warms up than to have a hot man cool down on me as soon as I let him know he has caught me.

 

The problem is the OP's ex was hot and now has cooled down and the OP is settling for this. I hope she gets to the root of why because I don't think this is healthy for her.

 

Sometimes it is in our best interest to simply accept that someone is not that interested. And the ex is not that interested. Chase him and watch your self respect and your self worth dwindle to nothing. It is not in a woman's DNA to pursue and women don't get the same feeling after chasing a man that men do. A woman that has to chase and woo and win over a man will not be happy and neither will the man. it is just the way that we are made.

 

There are a lot of things that easier said than done and saying that is a cop out, an excuse to continue behavior because that is often easier than making a change and taking a stand.

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Thanks Lavenderdove,

 

You are the iron fist of ENA! I love it!! Honestly if you knew this guy, you might change your opinion...But I do appreciate your points. Let me elaborate:

 

He has only slept with 6 women (he is almost 30). He just went through his life savings to start his own construction company. He had to break from his partner a few months ago for stealing. He has yet to make a dollar. He has gone through his entire savings and because he is a one man company--he ends up working 12 hours a day 7 days a week to finish jobs on time. Making no money/being successful does hurt a guy's ego. He was a different person when he was working for someone and taking in a regular pay cheque.

 

 

He doesn't even have any female friends. There are none in his cell phone, nor do any call. He has never lied to me, and throughout our relationship and break up he will always pick up his phone on the first ring/answer text messages immediately-meaning we still have respect for each other given our situation.

 

His grandparents are a few hours from here--visiting from Europe ( they raised him, he loves them more than his mother) and he has only seen them for two days, due to finishing a contracted job. They are about to go back.

 

He did break, because he was ready to go home, but after I mentioned he could drop me off at another bar, he was willing to discuss "trying again." I said I wanted to try again, and lets face it, he would not have come out if he was not interested given his schedule. If you know any guys in construction. They come home exhausted. He goes to bed at like 8pm everynight.

 

Regarding the other women. I can see all his best buddies partying on Facebook. He is never in the photos. He said he has only had drinks once in the past 2 months, when he was visiting his grandparents.

 

We only discussed this on Saturday night, so we are going to see where it goes. Honestly, the cute guy from the park just called me for the first time, and I let it go to VM. I cant go out with someone else, because I am still negotiating my relationship with my guy.

 

Lavenderdove, let me kknow what you think after reading my points.

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OK, i've got an 'iron fist' on this one, and here is why... here is how you described your relationship 6 weeks ago:

 

'He lives here for free. He hasn't paid for food or rent /utilities since April. So its easy for him to come and go when he pleases, but I have to stick around. I have been sitting in the house all weekend waiting to do something for his birthday. He did the same thing last year- ditched me on his birthday. He was yelling at me in the bathroom earlier this week and swung at me. He didnt really hit me but flailed his arm at me.

...

Im sure he was out partying last night (same as last year). Should I mention the "itch down there" I go about a week ago. Actions speak louder than words. I've told him time and time again to help pay a bit of rent ($200 plus food/month).

 

He has been in a bad mood for the last few months and attack me at every opportunity.

 

This is a guy who was treating you with disrespect and even attempting to hit you. I don't think he's a 'wounded flower' because of his business problems, i think he is someone who sees your relationship as 'optional' and will drop in and out of it based on what's in it for him, whether that is no rent payments or whatever. Actions DO speak louder than words, but for someone who acted this way, he should be apologizing, getting his act together, paying half the rent, etc. Not telling you he 'doesn't want to be in a defined relationship.'

 

I think what he is telling you is he wants to come and go as he pleases, not be responsible to you, not have you expect him to be a real partner and pay half the rent and celebrate 'couple-y' things with you like birthdays etc.

 

I'm not really sure why you want to get back with him after your experiences with him... you're calling him 'my man' in your posts, but he's not acting like 'your' man at all... he's acting like he doesn't want to be anybody's man because he doesn't want the responsbility or to be an equal partner...

 

I can tell you for a fact that regardless of the work pressure most men are under, they won't take a swing at you because they're annoyed nor will they skip out on your birthday plans. They will also pay half the rent and do what it takes to earn the money to do so... You're cutting him WAY too much slack here when he has behaved really badly, because you are framing him as 'your man', when he's clearly showing he doesn't want that title. He's more interested in free rent and freedom in general.

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Best post ever Lavenderdove. And thanks for taking the time to go through my first ENA thread. Everyone in my situation should do that--when the feelings are raw. I was PMS'ing for the last few days so my judgement was way off. It take people like you and my Mom to set me straight. Now I'm just going to consider him a user and move on.

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