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I need some major advice..


J8415

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Bare with me..this is going to be long but I need to get it off my chest and see what other people think rather than my close friends and family about it messed up situation I find myself in.

 

Here it goes. Alittle background first, I am 26 and she is 28. My parents kept telling me over and over again to sign up for eharmony, so i did. Long story short I met a girl off of eharmony last June and fell hardcore for her. I knew that there was something more to her than just a "relationship"I knew that I was going to marry her shortly after I met her. Looking back now that we arent together, It moved faster than we both wanted and both agreed that but hey you cant change the past. The beginning of the relationship was amazing. Just like every relationship we find ourselves in. She has had a history of being sexually abused as a child for 5 years, Ages 10-15. She was in and out of counseling after the fact. I dont have any issues with her past, Frankly it didnt bother me at all. She has a beautiful heart and soul and shes one of my best friends. I met her at a time of my life when I was struggling hardcore in life. I just received a massive paycut from my employer the same week I met her. While I was struggling with my situation I was in she suggested that I go seek professional help. I thought to myself, it wont hurt, theres also stuff in my past that I wanted to figure out as well.

I have to admit, I suffer from a little codependent issues, I always have and thats one thing I brought up in my counseling session with my Dr. I have what my friend says the "Cinderella Syndrome" I tend to find girls who have a lowself worth and tend to build them up and I end up getting burned in the process.(which I have accepted I need to work on that) Looking back on the situation, I allowed myself to become codependent on her because at the time I thought she was the best thing that has happened to me, and to this day I have nothing but gratitude for her. I lost who I really was as a person due to how much I let my paycut get to me. ( I am still with the same employer still)

I asked her to marry me December 2009 and Feb 2010 I moved into her 1 bedroom apartment and got rid of my condo. I thought moving into a 1bed apartment with another person would be hard, but we made it work and it worked well. We stayed in that apartment until her lease was up in April. We signed a lease for a 2 bed/2bath apartment in May. Everything really started to go down hill in May. She started to get angry with me because she was being supportive because of the situation I was in with my job. She said I wasnt meeting her needs. She felt that she had to always be strong for me, which she didnt. I basically let my negative thinking control how I viewed myself. Jump forward to June of this year. We took a trip to Ohio to visit my family for a long weekend. It was the second time my mom and dad got to interact with her. She couldnt stop talking about the wedding and how excited she was. After we got back from ohio(we live in florida) she wrote my mom a really nice note saying thanks for a good weekend and I cant wait to be apart of the family. I feel really welcome. Mind you, nothing was getting better with my employment. Stilll the crappy pay, no job leads so I started to give up and just wait it out. Now its July and there is more tension in our relationship than I could stand. We decided to adopt a cat right around the time of our 1 year. Our one year came and went and we didnt do anything to celebrate it. I was a little angry becuase I had planned a dinner boat. It was the same weekend we got the cat and she didnt want to leave the cat alone. I was annoyed but I let it go.

One morning we went running on the beach and I was getting really annoyed that I coiuldnt keep up with her becuase I was sore from working out the pervious day and I basically said "oh you I see you cant wait for me" "just go ahead and ill catch up. We got to the point were she told me she was having her doubts about marrying me. This is where I feel its my fault because she was being 100% honest with her feelings and I totally didnt give them credit because we were in a fight and sometimes people say things they dont mean. Ever since we had that conversation on the beach, she started to pull way back. The sex wasnt there and emotionally she was pulling back. I did the classic push pull in relationships. I saw her pulling back so I pushed forward trying to make it work. Well that didnt work out to well. It got to the point where she said she needed her space. She didnt say how much other than she needed her space which left me kind of annoyed.

The beginning of august she went over to her best friends house accross the state and we got in a stupid fight and she told me again that shes having second thoughts. I said okay and we ended the conversation. She called me on her way home from her friends and said we would talk about everything. I believe this is where her sexual abuse issues come in. She told me that she was scared and the voices in her heard were telling her that this was not right. Two weeks go by and I can see the writing on the wall that its pretty much over. We went to two counseling sessions but she gave up after the second one. She has a history of giving up on things. Her mom has been married 3 times and is now single again. I come from a family where my parents are still together 38 years. She told me that I never really gave her space, and looking back I know i didnt because I was so focused on making it work and not respecting what she wanted. I told her her wish was granted and I headed up to Jacksonville Fl to hang out at my bros for the week since nothing was scheduled for work (i am a pilot) The week I was at my bros, I was a mess becuase I knew that she was moving forward with her life. Nothing that I could do about it than just pray about it. I had a week long trip for work so I was going on two weeks without seeing her and communicating with her. It was a saturday evening and the * * * * hit the fan with us over the phone. I basically said you were running away from something amazing. We got off the phone after a horrible fight. The next morning she sends me a text saying she gave the apartment complex 60 days to find a replacement for the apartment and moved all of her stuff out of the apartment and basically cleaned me out of everything..but hey she left me her toothpaste. Add to all of this..shes not sure shes going to give the ring back. We both agreed that unless it has anything todo with the apartment we will not talk to eachother because we need our space to move forward from this situation. I want this to work out more than anything. I am on day 5 of the No contact rule and it is pissing me off. I journal my thoughts and write to her.

I believe in the law of attraction. We had an amazing relationship and I still believe it can be amazing. I dont know how long i should hold on..even though I am slowly starting to let go.

The funny thing out of alll this, I feel like I am a new person. She really did inspire me to do things (I am starting my own business) I cant find any way to hate her which makes it so much harder. Its not like she cheated on me.

 

I just want her back in my life..I have made some huge strides in my life within the last month..and shes walking away. She would be proud of my progress I have made for myself.

 

Rant over.

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Sometimes, and maybe you dont want to hear this, people come into our lives when they do becos we need to grow or change...we yearn for it. Perhaps it is Law of Attraction. Whether for better or worse, we learn a valuable lesson after that time passes. Perhaps some of the good growth you are currently experiencing is from what you've learned from her.

 

And maybe it makes you better the next time around, whether with her or someone else. I know how lost one can feel when you are in the beginning stages of grief and feel that the only person on earth that is right for you, is only THIS person. But this will pass. You guys spent alot of time moving very fast, and were def in the honeymoon this whole yr together until reality hit, and it hit fullforce when you moved in together. Thats' typically when it does happen.

 

Coupled with that, the fact that she has a damaged history and you have codependent habits, and now she REALLY looks like the one and only to you. Esp with your Cinderella Complex...you feel even stronger about her then you would anyone else, becos of your need to heal/help and fix people like her. But alot of that is your deep rooted issues with rescuing. And becos you feel you failed at that, you are going to take even harder. It's very psychological.

 

I dont doubt your love is real, nor your loss and the pain that comes with it. You have to take this time to separate your real loss/pain from the part of you that is hurting from feeling lost not having your codependent needs met that you were getting somewhat from the r'ship.

 

Journaling and alone time to reflect is great for all this.

 

I too am a Codep, and rescuer. Some of this comes from my own personal experiences and therapy, self realization, etc. I hope this has helped!

 

Good luck!

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I forgot to mention that this whole situation has put a huge light bulb on the codependent issues and I can say that they are more manageable now than they ever have been..like you said..personal experiences and self realization does wonders. Sometimes you gotta fall flat on the arse to truly learn.

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Yes, I didn't know I had codependent issues until my r'ship ended too and i could take the time to reflect and a therapists hearing me describe all my r'ships and then this one, brought it light for me. Then i started reading all about it and it all clicked. From then on, I've learned to steer away from anyone that needs rescuing. Unfortunately, without changing the way think or put out there (Laws again?), we keep being attracted to that person or they to us. So we have to grow and change, to put out a new vibe and attract a healthier mate.

 

I also found that when i grieved over him, it was more then just grieving...it was far deeper and more agonizing cos I suffered the pain of not having someone to pour all my attention into rescuing and I felt sick in a way cos I'd felt I did all this stuff to help him get better and he repaid me by leaving? Apart of the codep stuff. It was alot to take in and alot to work and process.

 

And the good news about falling flat on your arse to truly learn?... there is only up once you hit bottom...so keep climbing....you're getting it!

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I don't see how her past history of abuse plays into the fighting and the end of the relationship. I think she had been telling you she had been having doubts for a while, but you were scared and couldn't give her space.

 

I don't think it's impossible for you to get back together and I wish you good luck in trying to get your business going.

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Maybe the two of you just need a break. There are many things I can see clouding this relationship- some similarities to my situation. My guy was having a tough time with work as well. I work in an industry in which I get to see first hand, the stress of this terrible economy. Separations are way up, peolple are underemployed, etc. It is hard to foster a great relationship when there are money issues. You have codependant issues, she was abused...Well I have news for you: Everyone out there has some type of issue. It seems to me like you (she) are sabotaging a good thing.

 

What worked for me was taking some time off, while still respecting the other person. Have a bit of no contact for a few weeks, then switch to light contact.

She sounds like she did not come from a stable upbringing, which unfortunately makes it easier for her to pull the plug on your living arrangement.

 

I have known a few girls who were sexually abused. They can push it down for years...eventually "it" rears it's ugly head. This is what happened to my best friend at university: One night my father took both of us out for dinner. She spent the rest of the evening crying..you know why? She could not believe that a father could be so nice to a daughter. She ened up abusing herself-sleeping with any guy. She was really worrying me so I said, you either get some professional help, Or, I cannot be your friend. I was completely prepared to take her to counselling etc. I thought she really vauled our friendship. She chose to end our friendship, and continued to let guys rape her.

 

Your gf needs help. It sounds like you are trying to heal yourself, but with her, the sexual abuse issue is massive....Maybe you should just tell her you are there for her no matter what, take a bit of a break , and try to work things out in a few weeks. If things were SO good while you were visiting your parents, I doubt it is over between you two. You just have a lot to work on.

 

Good luck and take care.

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Thank you, its hard..there are things I am working on myself. Like i said before I feel like I am a new person out of all this. She really did come into my life and make me such a better person than I was before. The growth over the year has truly been amazing. I love her with all my heart and she knows that. We met today and exchanged some stuff so there is contact there. It was actually pretty friendly I thought. It almost makes me wonder, every time I see her she sounds like she is convincing herself that this is what she wants and deep down..she doesnt know what she wants. I agree I am giving it a few weeks. I put in the No contact rule for a reason for me to heal, and for her to heal. I dont know how long it will take but I am giving it towards the end of the month. I want her to know what its like without me in her life. Yes we have to communicate becuase of the apartment situation and thats okay but we are leaving it at that. I know its over for now, but there isnt a doubt in my mind that she wont be in my life...either as something more than a friend or just a friend. I have a new sense of energy in myself that I have never felt before. It puts a light on my codependent behaviors in ways you cant even imagine..and plus the no contact rule is helping myself deal with those behaviors becuase i dont "need" anyone in my life but i sure as hell want her in my life. Things were amazing between us..and I believe they will get there sometime. Call me denial, or call it positive thinking..it keeps me going on.

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