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Sucessful reconciliation after 8 months- my story

gambitismyhomy

By gambitismyhomy
in Getting Back Together

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gambitismyhomy Rookie

gambitismyhomy

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8 Months broken up w/ 6 months of not seeing each other, 4 months NC and We are back together!

 

I've been wanting to post my success story here for awhile now but it's hard to try to sum up everything that's happened in the past year.

 

The reason I want to post is because during the first few months of my break up i was so totally devastated and heart broken (ie crying everyday, not eating, feel nauseous, not sleeping, even thinking about suicide) I was OBSESSED with this sub-forum. I would stay up all night looking for any success stories I could find for advice or just hope, I don't even remember.

 

background: I'm a 26 yr old female, he's a 23 year old male. We were together 4 years ( met in college). We were fighting a lot towards the end and I did a lot to push him away, (including ditching him to see a guy I developed a stupid stupid crush on). He eventually left me ( as is the case a lot of times, JUST when I realized how awful I was being and how much I still loved him)

 

I have successfully gotten back together with my boyfriend. Today its officially been 4 months after an 8 month gut wrenching break up.

 

I don't know what I have for advice. Listen to the people on this forum, a lot of their suggestions make sense. I would read " do not contact" and yet i would contact anyway only to get my heart broken again. Here's the thing: Now that my boyfriend and I are back together I've had the opportunity to actually ask him " why, what were you feeling? How could you be so cold?" And he tells me, that even though he knew he loved me the whole time, he didn't want to go back to being mistreated, he wanted to be cold so he wouldn't have to feel weak.

 

Guys you once loved can be real assholes during a break up. My boyfriend would tell me he didn't love me anymore. He told me he didn't miss me. He even came over after 2 months of us being broken up, had sex with me TWICE, and had me go to a * * * * ty action movie with him to only AT THE END OF THE NIGHT say " I still don't want to get back together".

 

If you contact your ex during the first few months, you will be hurt. No matter what they feel about you, they won't show you any love, they will hurt you, even if they don't mean to. If I could do the break up all over again I wouldn't have called begging, and crying. I wouldn't have contacted him on Christmas Eve only to be told " i don't love you anymore, please stop calling me, etc, etc" It doesn't do anyone any good. Give your ex time, give them at least 4 months of NCI.

 

I read somewhere on here that it takes 2-4 months for an ex to stop being angry and blaming you, and another 2-4 months of them missing you to want to get back together, so just give them time.

 

Eventually, after a failed reconciliation after only 8 weeks ( which lasted all of 2 weeks and probably delayed us actually getting back together by months) I started to feel better, I think around 6 months after the initial break up. ( getting back together for a week or two was like having to break up ALL OVER AGAIN, I think it was even worse because it was right before thanksgiving, so I had the entire holiday season to look forward to being miserable and alone) I think the reason I was finally able to feel better is because I finally allowed myself to hold onto the hope of us getting back together without the desperate NEED to do something about it.

 

He wound up calling on my birthday in January. And I finally got the time to talk to him. I let him know I was sorry for everything. Explained why I felt like we didn't work out ( not because of lack of love or compatibility but because some basic relationship mistakes like jealousy, lack of trust, being inexperienced at relationships in general). I told him to just give it some time. To go on dates, enjoy being single and meeting new friends ( his social life was sad when we were together) and that maybe in a few months ( i mentioned maybe in May) We could get together and he could come see our pets. He told me maybe, but that he didn't have the same feelings as I did. But it was different than before. He was no longer ANGRY. He still tried to hurt my feelings a bit with stupid stuff, like mentioning sleeping on chick's couches or whatever. But I didn't let it get me upset and I think that showed him how at ease I was. Also I FORGAVE him. I recognized my own part in the break up and totally, absolutely forgave him for breaking my heart. I didn't actually say " i forgive you" that would sound nuts. I just forgave him in my own heart.

 

Then I used the next few months to actually ENJOY being single. I still thought about him every day and would randomly get sad and start crying and feel hopeless. But I was actively trying to make myself a better person so that when we did get back together I'd be better, our relationship would be healthier. I quit smoking, started running, seeing friends. Learned to cook. Got a new job, new car, etc. I just realized we WOULD be together again because we did love each other that much, and then i was able to just enjoy the time i had to be alone and develop myself as my own person ( something you don't really have time to do in a relationship)

 

Then around the end of April I just felt like I could feel he missed me. Could feel like he was going to call me and ask for me back. I didn't wait, I called him up. He was astonished that I called when I did, said he was JUST about to call me.

 

We met up casually, as friends exactly 6 months to the day since we had last seen each other. We never mentioned getting back together that first day. Just enjoyed each other's company. We didn't take it slow though. We wound up saying we loved each other still THAT night, even slept together ( I know, we went waaay too fast in that department : D) he told me that he had been keeping himself up at night worried that he broke something between us and was so afraid I wouldn't take him back.

 

It's been 4 months now like I said, and we are both totally back in love with each other. He admits that he made a mistake to leave me. We've both apologized and are trying to put it behind us. We both learned a lot during the break up but you need to be prepared for the fact that people don't really change. We still fall into our old fight patterns sometimes. But this time we try to talk to each other. And now we both realize we're in it for the long haul, that stupid stuff isn't going to get in the way of us being together again.

 

My point is that i still have moments of sublime happiness, moments where he's telling me how much he loves me, and I can still feel how unbelievable it would have been for me to even imagine these things happening just 5 months ago.

 

so not to advocate false hope, but please if you feel like you and your ex shared a lot of love, don't feel like it's never going to happen. don't hate them for acting cold. And don't always listen to the people on here who tell you it's never going to happen. There's a lot of angry, rejected people on here.

 

And it was hard to post a success story now that I'm happy and back together with my boyfriend. Because honestly: Who cares? I'm happy, it's hard to summarize all of this, it takes time. I think a lot of people who do get back together DON'T bother posted a follow up.

 

So end of story ( sorry it was a novel). Keep hope. Forgive your ex, don't contact them for a while, and enjoy being single. Once you're back together you WILL miss a lot of aspects of your single life you could have been enjoying during your break up instead of being miserable and obsessing about your ex.

 

Lots of luck to everyone out there reading this. : )

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sunnyv Enthusiast

sunnyv

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this is a really great story. congratulations. it is so uplifting to hear something really positive on hear. congratulations and please please keep us posted. your thoughts and experience really helps all of us on here on what to do and what not to do.

 

its been 2 weeks for me of nc and i am thinking about breaking it. she has texted me during these 2 weeks and i have ignored every one of them. today she texted that somebody in class smelled like me. i am thinking of breaking nc and sending a smiley face via text and then just letting things go for a few days, not respond back if she texts,

 

whats your thoughts? she is dating the guy she left me for currently. i am sure they are still in bliss so i know i don't want to be a doormat but i want her to miss me.

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4dogs Enthusiast

4dogs

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Hope all goes well. To be honest, I feel that MANY people on here actually get back together or get the chance. But, we dont hear about it because by that time, they no longer need ENA as a crutch or a way to vent, and they forget about posting here. Its not meant to be mean...thats what happened with me ! haha. Now here I am again. Maybe once I have my success story Ill be nice and let you in on it!

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CrapAtNC Contributor

CrapAtNC

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That's great! Very happy for you!

 

Your post should remind us that we should take ANYTHING they say during a break-up with a pinch of salt. Your bf said many things that would have people believe it was a no-hope case. It simply wasn't true. We say things we don't mean, and we hear things that are no meant. That is why it's better to brush everything off and focus on ourselves instead of trying to read into everything they say and do.

 

Again, huge congrats!

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SA2000 Collaborator

SA2000

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It sounds like the two of you took honest, real time apart and realized that you really do love each other. It's funny but I hear time and time again that this is the only REAL way to make it work after a break up. Don't rush back. Just let go. If it is supposed to happen it will.

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Nappyloxs Community Regular

Nappyloxs

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It. sounds like the two of you took honest, real time apart and realized that you really do love each other. It's funny but I hear time and time again that this is the only REAL way to make it work after a break up. Don't rush back. Just let go. If it is supposed to happen it will.

 

So true. Congrats!

 

Everytime I think of my friends relationships, this almost exactly how it happens.

 

I constantly remind myself if you love them you let them go and if they come back it was meant to be.

 

Congrats again and good luck.

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bungalo Rising Star

bungalo

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Without a doubt, the most inspirational post I've seen in months. I think the Ex and I reconciled too soon....so we'll see what the future holds, in any case, your story was so great to read. Sometimes ENA seems like a sea of misery, thanks for showing us that the other side exists too.

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gambitismyhomy Rookie

gambitismyhomy

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That's great! Very happy for you!

 

Your post should remind us that we should take ANYTHING they say during a break-up with a pinch of salt. Your bf said many things that would have people believe it was a no-hope case. It simply wasn't true. We say things we don't mean, and we hear things that are no meant. That is why it's better to brush everything off and focus on ourselves instead of trying to read into everything they say and do.

 

Again, huge congrats!

 

 

 

This is actually one of the reasons I wanted to share my experience. (And I'm glad that a lot of you found hope in my story, I know that every reconciliation story I read on here made me feel a little better when I was at my worst.)

 

My boyfriend was never wishy-washy. He mentioned missing me maybe once or twice early on but never afterwards. If I ever broke down and called him (which I did early on, and like I said on Christmas Eve) I would ask him if he loved me or missed me to which he always replied no. He said things are over. Said it would never happen, blocked me on AIM, never contacted me, etc etc. There were a lot of times when I just felt like it was hopeless, that Christmas was the lowest I've ever felt in my whole life. I even found out about him having a crush on another girl (his friend's younger sister). The thought of that killed me. And even when he did eventually miss me and wanted to get back together , he STILL didn't call because at that point he was so worried he messed things up too much. Which is why I'm glad I reached out to him again after months and months of no contact what-so-ever ( boy, was I nervous about that phone call)

 

The more you push and the more you ask your ex these questions, the angrier they're going to get which will only lead to getting yourself hurt. The best advice out there is to just not contact them at all. If you have the kind of ex that contacts YOU, I have no suggestions.

 

Anyway, I wanted to share my story because my break up and the way my boyfriend acted was, from the outside, such an obvious lost cause. And everyone I talked to, friends, family thought it was totally hopeless as well. People on here will love telling you that getting back together rarely happens or if it does it never lasts. I don't think that's the case, i think it's much, much more likely to have a successful reconciliation with someone you shared a lot of love and time with, than it is for the two of you to go your separate ways forever. I read somewhere that almost all long term relationships/marriages experience at least one long break up during the course of the relationship.

 

It's really true that sometimes you just need time apart. He needed time away without me contacting him to realize just how much he loved me and missed me. He also said that the more time passed, the more he thought about all the things he did that led to our relationship falling apart (instead of just blaming me, or blaming our incompatibility). I think not having contact is great, I think it gives your ex time to think about everything, to miss you, and to worry that they lost you forever.

 

Yes, we still get into stupid fights. And yes. getting back together was very bumpy the first few months. There's a lot of hurt still ( no matter how much you work on forgiveness during the break up). There's lots of insecurity at times, but if you both love each other it's worth all the ups and downs at first. And it'll pass.

 

I know a lot of you on here are at your lowest and have lost hope but try to put everything in perspective, unfortunatley it took me almost 6 months to do that. Like I said in my original post, there are still times when I can't believe we're back together and I remember how I used to just have fantasies about the things I get to actually experience with him now.

 

If you're depressed and desperatley missing your ex just keep hope. Try to enjoy this time you have to yourself and use it wisley. Don't let yourself think it's over for good, instead, hope for the best and think of it as an opportunity to grow as an individual. Find new hobbies, go out with friends, get active, whatever it is that will make you feel better about yourself. It's not as hopeless as you think, just give it some time and focus on yourself.

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kennyc90 Collaborator

kennyc90

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I have finally gotten to he point where I feel NC is the best thing to do. I used to have the sudden urge to always wanna call my ex. Don't get me wrong, I still think about my ex, but I can finally live without having them. I do wish to still be back with my ex. I still love her with all my heart. I have not one, but two girls that wish to get with me right now. I guess I can say that they are giving me company at the moment and I have no desire to be with either of them. I will eventually contact my ex in months ahead of time, even though I sent her a goodbye letter stating that I will never contact her ever again unless she contacts me first. I believe by the time I want to contact her, I will already have become a stronger person and she'll hopefully, by that time, be over a lot of things in the past. So yeah right now I'm definitely doing NC and I feel it's the ONLY thing I can really do right now whether it will eventually work out or not.

 

And also, I've been working out a lot and my body is completely transforming. It's the first time in my life that I'm developing a six pack physique. Working out really makes me feel better about myself. Doing things you used to love to do really helps you get over your ex and keep your mind off of her.

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brokenhurt Enthusiast

brokenhurt

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Oh this is one of the best post i have red since my break up

 

I also messed up alot during my break up (btw i was having 3 yrs of relation with that grl,she was the one who broke up) i kept on contacting her again n again n she kept on saying nasty thngs to me as a result i really got hurt n also said some hurting stuff as a result she changed her contacts n blocked me from everywhere n to get rid of me her aunt created a fake story that she is getting married to a boy stufffffffff (which i knew is totally fake) n my frnds n family members kept on saying that after all these thngs u got no chance also its 1 and a half mnths since you broke up so its a lot of time if she has to come she would have come .but i have hope somewhere insidie n this story really made me stronger

 

Guys i need some +ve comments from your side coz ever since um posting my story nearly 80% people are saying that you have lost her 4ever

 

but i thnk if u really loved eachother no matter ho much you have hurt eachother with the passage of time you will overcome thos hurting thngs n start to remind good thngs no matter if initially after breakup you have so much bitterness for eachother.wat you guys say?

 

n wat abt my breakup

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