Ex Contacted after 2 years - wondering about telling bf or telling ex off?

[abitbroken]

Hi guys,

 

Well, I know I give a lot of advice here, but I guess the tables have now turned. I was married and it ended 2 years ago. When he left, he literally just walked out the door. I was left with $5 and my clothes. Anyway, the only contact I received after that were divorce papers (did not see him at court either). After the divorce was final, I got a long nasty letter about how justified he was. I decided not to answer him and I am glad I never did. It took me everything to not contact him but I got past the point of needing to "make him see what happened" or "have the last word". The only thing that would have been nice is to get some personal documents and a family heirloom (photo) back but I had to be strong and make no contact for my own healing. I would add he wasn't at the most stable in his life when it all went down.

 

He just contacted me again. He does not have my email, phone, etc. but sent a message through a professional association. It was nothing really big really, but he found things that were mine and wanted to know if I wanted them. These aren't trifling things like a sweater, but college records, birth related stuff, a photo of long gone relatives. It really hurt not to have them and it horrified me he had so much personal info on me but I got over it somehow. He also wanted to find out if I had sent him an anonymous package a year and a half ago (i did not at all).

 

In full disclosure, I have received several similar messages, maybe each one 6-9 months apart. Nothing mean or bad. If I were giving someone else advice, I would say it was not "meaningful contact". Each time it was through a different method (an old email address I don't use anymore but he took a shot at, commenting on an article I wrote for an industry website, etc).

 

Today, I am in an extremely happy relationship that is probably leading to marriage. I have met the kindest man and we are just two peas in a pod. While I wouldn't have mentioned it a year ago if my ex contacted me - I just would have handled it. I am contemplating telling my boyfriend and saying that I wanted him to weigh in as it affects us both. I am deciding whether to a) ignore the message completely. b) send my ex a message that I do not wish to hear form him and to please respect that. And let my boyfriend weigh in.

 

I am not getting my boyfriend involved as far as him contacting my ex, but just to provide counsel on what's best for our relationship and to have no secrets, but what do you think?.

 

I guess my whole line of thinking is 1) I don't want to keep any secrets 2) i don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that if I finally contact my ex and just tell him to stay away, that he will stop contacting me. I am over him completely, but because of the very painful and violent breakup, I get a little pang of disruption when he contacts me. I am a little "off" for the day. 3) I am thinking about just ignoring yet another contact like I have been. Maybe someday he will just stop writing and get the message. But based on his past history, I know he tried for 5 years to get an ex girlfriend to write back.

 

Sorry for the ramble...what say you?

[AndiD]

I agree with your line of thinking regarding telling your boyfriend and seeking his input.

[Edmund Exley]

I say it sounds like he is simply offering to return things that you yourself said you would like to have, and for some reason you seem to turn it into a ton of drama. If you want the things, sending him a short reply stating your address and a simple thanks. I'm not sure if there's more than meets the eye here, but if you want your stuff get it, then if he contacts you again tell him to not contact you anymore and move on with his life.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, tell your boyfriend. I was newly broken up when my fiance and I got together and ANY contact my ex made me with I let my fiance see because like you, I wanted no secrets between us.

 

As for his contact, maybe you should get your stuff back. I know my ex has stuff I'd love to have back but I can write it off. Family stuff and personal info is another story. Maybe set it up so you meet in a public place and bring new guy alone so that ex doesn't try anything.

[abitbroken]

Yes, tell your boyfriend. I was newly broken up when my fiance and I got together and ANY contact my ex made me with I let my fiance see because like you, I wanted no secrets between us.

 

As for his contact, maybe you should get your stuff back. I know my ex has stuff I'd love to have back but I can write it off. Family stuff and personal info is another story. Maybe set it up so you meet in a public place and bring new guy alone so that ex doesn't try anything.

 

He lives many hours away so it wouldn't be possible to do that unless we happened to be that way. It was a very emotionally abusive marriage, so I just don't think I want to see him either. There is some emotional instabilty as well. But you have a good point.

 

I say it sounds like he is simply offering to return things that you yourself said you would like to have, and for some reason you seem to turn it into a ton of drama. If you want the things, sending him a short reply stating your address and a simple thanks. I'm not sure if there's more than meets the eye here, but if you want your stuff get it, then if he contacts you again tell him to not contact you anymore and move on with his life.

 

Nothing was ever at "face value" towards the end of the relationship . The whole time, there was always another shoe that dropped when something appeared kind on the surface. There were a lot of deep wounds - the kind that you can't see. It was always insidious but hidden from neighbors and friends until the night he and a relative of his screamed at me so much the police were called. I was blocked from leaving the house until thankfully they came to check on me.

 

But I supposed I should try to take things at face value. I guess I wondered if he was using the stuff to get contact. As this is the first time he ever mentions any "stuff." ie, asking how the pets were didn't get a response from me, so he'd try something new. I guess i am suspicious.

 

THat;s a good point though - give him basically just one shot. And if he blows it, that's that.

 

Thanks for weighing in, guys, it is certainly helping me rate the pros and cons here . On one hand though, I have basically written off the items, but am weighing if it is worth the risk

[AndiD]

In light of the former entrapment, don't be alone with this person. If he wants to meet to give you the stuff...well, heck, that just sounds to me like the perfect opportunity for him to meet the new bf! Don't go alone.

[OptomisticGirl]

If he's hours away have him send you them. If he brings up wanting to see you in person to give them tell him no thank you, and not to contact you again. If he says he will drive to give them to you pick a public place and bring the new guy.

[catfeeder]

I say it sounds like he is simply offering to return things that you yourself said you would like to have, and for some reason you seem to turn it into a ton of drama. If you want the things, sending him a short reply stating your address and a simple thanks. I'm not sure if there's more than meets the eye here, but if you want your stuff get it, then if he contacts you again tell him to not contact you anymore and move on with his life.

 

I agree. A simple, "Yes please send my things" is all that's required of you. If you build this into a big drama you are not doing yourself any favors--and you're certainly not doing BF any favors, either.

[Mauxly]

I agree, tell your boyfriend. No secrets.

 

And then, if you want your stuff back, send your exboyfriend a box with postage pre-paid. Make the return address a commercial mail processing center (Post office, MailBoxes r Us) with a small thank you note stating that you wish him well and to please not contact you again.

 

Nothing more than that.

 

You may not get your stuff back. But you might. And he'll have gotten the message.

[abitbroken]

I agree. A simple, "Yes please send my things" is all that's required of you. If you build this into a big drama you are not doing yourself any favors--and you're certainly not doing BF any favors, either.

 

I think the drama would be more in my head than in actuality. Are you recommending not telling my bf about it, but just simply saying where to send my things and wash my hands of it? Just keep it as simple as that?

[amipushy]

I agree with Mauxly. Take control and keep him informed.

[catfeeder]

I think the drama would be more in my head than in actuality. Are you recommending not telling my bf about it, but just simply saying where to send my things and wash my hands of it? Just keep it as simple as that?

 

Yep. It's old business. Is there any real reason you can't handle it without a committee? Consider whether your reasons for telling BF would be to manipulate a response from him. Ask yourself what you expect him to 'do' about this, how you want him to feel, and be completely honest about any real 'benefit' in laying this on him as though it's a big deal.

 

Receiving a parcel of old records from an ex husband is just household business between adults. If you believe it would be some kind of dealbreaker with BF, I'd question the solidity of your relationship along with your motivations.

[abitbroken]

Yep. It's old business. Is there any real reason you can't handle it without a committee? Consider whether your reasons for telling BF would be to manipulate a response from him. Ask yourself what you expect him to 'do' about this, how you want him to feel, and be completely honest about any real 'benefit' in laying this on him as though it's a big deal.

 

Receiving a parcel of old records from an ex husband is just household business between adults. If you believe it would be some kind of dealbreaker with BF, I'd question the solidity of your relationship along with your motivations.

 

I can handle it without a committee - its my ex that does everything with a committee. When he left, he couldn't just leave, he had brought relatives along to "enforce" his decision and to block me from trying to follow him out of the house and make it so we couldn't have a private conversation and make little side digs and comments about the matter. They just sort of parked themselves at the house for days.

 

You are right about thinking what result I want from my bf. I guess its because we share everything - I would feel I was witholding something from him - some info. Sure, it probably wouldn't matter a hill of beans if my ex never took me up on things and never sent stuff, but if later on I received a box and then had to tell my ex to stop contacting me, and it was troubling me I could tell my bf what was wrong and what was bothering me without saying "well, I kept it from you at the time..." Quite frankly, this sort of bothered me and someone already asked me today "what's wrong?"

 

I guess what I "expect him to do" is to just be an ear as he is my partner and to offer advice/and find out what he would prefer as well. I don't mean to cause any harm - I am not wanting him to go beat him up or anything silly like that. It won't be dramatic, just nonchalant - i guess if my bf's ex was contacting him i would want him to be able to share with me if he wanted to.

 

Maybe I should really be asking a friend who knew me at the time, but I consider my bf my best friend also...

 

I know I am going around and around on this.. maybe its an unfair burden on him? dunno..

[catfeeder]

[...] I know I am going around and around on this.. maybe its an unfair burden on him? dunno..

 

None of this is a burden, you're turning it into one unnecessarily.

 

You wanted your stuff. Your stuff was offered to you. Accept the offer and receive your stuff. End of story.

 

If BF notices a box of old papers and asks what that is, you can say, "I finally got the stuff I've been asking for for the past X years. Let's celebrate--and I'll show you my third grade picture without teeth..."

 

Honestly--this is only as difficult as YOU are making it. So the question becomes, why?

[Edmund Exley]

I think the drama would be more in my head than in actuality. Are you recommending not telling my bf about it, but just simply saying where to send my things and wash my hands of it? Just keep it as simple as that?

 

I don't think you need to hide it from your bf, just don't make it out to be an earth shattering event.

[Edmund Exley]

None of this is a burden, you're turning it into one unnecessarily.

 

You wanted your stuff. Your stuff was offered to you. Accept the offer and receive your stuff. End of story.

 

If BF notices a box of old papers and asks what that is, you can say, "I finally got the stuff I've been asking for for the past X years. Let's celebrate--and I'll show you my third grade picture without teeth..."

 

Honestly--this is only as difficult as YOU are making it. So the question becomes, why?

 

Like I said, I wonder if there's a lot more to the story