He just called...after a month -- 4 weeks of (almost) NC

[sadchick83]

Im not sure what to do? I let it go to voice mail. I'm shaking.

[Nappeal]

I say check the message, and unless its him calling to beg you back, delete and continue NC.

[shandi]

Did he leave a message? What did it say? I know how you're feeling. It's been exactly one month NC for me (even though I iniated it), my heart leapt when I saw your thread title "he just called... after a month". This is a good thing either way. You determine what happens next.

[DN]

Last I saw you wanted him to get his stuff out of your place because you are buying a house. Has he? If not perhaps that is why he is calling.

[sadchick83]

I am going to buy the house tomorrow- put the bid in for a quick close. There is no message. It is a miserable day here today , raining and cold....which may be why he misses me.

 

Honestly, I am a first time homebuyer and pretty stressed out about buying this house on my own, and having to prepare my father's house to sell, again all on my own...going to clean for the appraiser all aftenoon.

 

If he gives me bad news, my head will not be on straight for the negotiations tomorrow.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am going to buy the house tomorrow- put the bid in for a quick close. There is no message. It is a miserable day here today , raining and cold....which may be why he misses me.

 

Honestly, I am a first time homebuyer and pretty stressed out about buying this house on my own, and having to prepare my father's house to sell, again all on my own...going to clean for the appraiser all aftenoon.

 

If he gives me bad news, my head will not be on straight for the negotiations tomorrow.

 

I responded to your other thread. I don't know what bad news he could possibly give you. The two of you are broken up...you initiated the break up by changing the locks on the house. I think you need to figure out what you want from this guy...do you want a relationship with him or do you want to remain split?

[eatpraylove]

Yes throw yourself into cleaning, packing his things (don't take your time doing this, just toss it into a box or two, don't linger) and kepp busy.

 

If it's that urgent he'll leave a message when he calls again. I know how you feel...everytime I get myself to a reasonable place inside, he'll throw me with a text or email, and it just makes me feel like someone has kicked me in the guts.

 

Voice in me is twisted between feeling excited he's contacted and absolute dispair/dread that he did, even if it's good news because a large part of me remembers all the pain i just went thru to get over that hurdle of getting thru the worse part.

 

It doesn't help to have something stressful going on too...but you can do this ON YOUR OWN and feel better for it once its all said and done...you dont need to lean on him for this.

 

Esp if he is calling for a dual purpose; to see how you are doing and to inquire about his things...it may not be a good time for you to make idol chit chat, so better if you have to answer him, just keep it short and simple...even if it's a little white lie..."you are hanging in there and you have his things ready and will leave them X for him to pick up".

 

I used to leave things on my front porch, tucked behind something, when I knew the ex had to come by to get anything and i'd take myself to a coffee house and read, distract...he wanted of course to have an excuse to see me, curiosity was killing him, but i didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing the truth in my eyes....I didn't do it to be cruel, i just did it for self preservation.

 

You may want to strong consider doing the same for yourself? wait until you are truly in a better place to discuss anything he may want to talk about. You really have to look out for YOU right now and what YOU need! Get thru this stress first...then re-evaluate if you are ready to be contacted by him?

 

good luck! Keep us updated.

[brokenheart311]

This what I remember from one of your previous threads:

 

"Oh and also, we never actually said it was over...the last time he picked up his stuff, he said he would call soon to play? tennis golf."

 

Obviously he's not calling about tennis or golf today since you said that it's cold and rainy there. Given what was in your previous thread why are you so thrown that he is actually calling you?

 

I know that since today is a holiday (at least in the States, not sure where you are) I'm left here reflecting about my ex and am very tempted to call her. He may be calling to test the waters, he may be calling just to see how you're doing, or he may be calling to try and reconcile. It's hard to say since he didn't leave a message.

 

If it will mess your head up for tomorrow just put it in the back of your mind and if you are still curious in a few days call him back. If you're ready for bad or good that is.

 

You said that you are unsure about if you are the dumper or dumpee and you'll never know if you're missing an opportunity. As a good friend of mine always says "ya never know". Hope it works out the best for you.

[sadchick83]

ok I couldn't take it any more and I called...a phone call is so easy, cause you can fake out your voice without them seeing you...I jumped into the excitement about buying a house ...he was excited for me....we love home reno shows, and watched them together, so we are both really into houses/renos etc.

 

He said he was still working , but asked if I would like to go for a coffee after he is done working in a few hours. He doesn't even drink coffee.

 

So I agreed...glad I bought some new jeans a few weeks ago...2 sizes down from my usual size cause of the stress of the last few months.

 

Today is a holiday in Canada, so I guess that proves he has been working the whole time.

 

 

Thank you my friends at ENA...you have been so helpful...I read one post to day that said this:

 

 

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

 

I am going ahead with this saying...Im not going to get too excited. He could be telling me he is with someone else, or breaking up, but since he has working 18 hours a day, I doubt it. He is the kind of guy with like only 50 Facebook friends and no women's phone numbers in his Blackberry....I will report back later tonight.

[Eclipse11]

I'm so happy for you! I guess that you are no longer such a Sadchick then and it shows us that reconciliation is a possiblity, I hope you two work it out - Eclipse x

[delicous]

Can I ask how you all ended up splitting? I am hopeing

what happened to you to happen to me. but its only been 2 days of

absolutly no contact and we split monday, got back to together thursday and split on thursday ....

 

send private message if you want...I am really into knowing..

Im having panick attacks and seeing a phycologist and its stil

not really getting any better, still crying daily a little bit less everyday,but

still crying regardless...

 

So tell me why you broke up please ..

[mizzH]

Delicous Am in the same position as you.. its day 2 for me as well am hoping this NC works for me as well..

 

sadgirl how did you guys end in the first place? and good luck uptodate us am happy for you

[sadchick83]

We broke up after 14 months...the last month or so was not so good. The last week he was really rude. So I changed the locks on my house after he did not show up for 3 days. It was my first thread here.

[sadchick83]

Im back.

 

We went and had a drink for an hour. We talked about what is new in our lives...he has been working day and night to finish a job (he is self employed in construction)...hasnt had a day off in weeks. He looked exhausted. He was actually yawning and about to fall asleep on the table.

 

So I guess I can appreciate he saw me when he was clearly exhausted. I told him what was new in my life; tennis lessons, buying the house, etc. He said he has only been working in the last few weeks, comes home, watches television, then starts again the next day. Today is actually a holiday in Canada, and he was working all day.

 

We had a few long stares into each other's eyes, he gave be a big long hug after walking me to my car, and we called it a night.

 

Some would say I did not make him chase me enough, but honestly, I don't think a longer no contact period would have worked in this case. There was no mention of what we would do with our relationship...so who knows?

 

I feel way better than I did all weekend. I am going to bed happy, rather than sad, so I guess that's good.

 

Who knows what will happen next????

[4dogs]

Sounds like you are on the right track! Good luck !

 

Did you make any plans for another meeting?

[mizzH]

Hey sadchick I think you've done the right thing well done.. remember he made the 1st move.. gd luck and I wish you the best..

[sadchick83]

Thank you 4dogs and mizzH,

 

You know its weird, the people close to me, with whom I have discussed the split, have all been quite hard on him saying "Well he could have called you, or seen you for an hour over the last month!" He did this last night. There were no intentions, except to see me. We didn't even mention the relationship. He just got to see me, excited, carrying on with my life.

 

He did look exhausted, no tan, so proof he has been working indoors all this time. Sometimes people-like me- dream up these scenarios that the other person is partying, out having a great time, when actually this person has had a miserable month of working his butt off, trying to get his construction business off the ground. Using hard core methods to get this guy back would not have been a good idea. I think being sincere went a long way.

 

I think it is important to do the NC for you. For my scenario, I don't think pretending , or even actually dating another guy would be helpful as a lot of the advice mentions on the internet. That would have thrown this guy over the edge. I can tell he is not with anyone else, so why play games? He can see I am keeping active, not sobbing emotionally, or even asking for him back.....at least not in front of him

 

 

Future plans?

His grandparents are coming from Europe, they will be staying around 3 hours from here. They raised him so I imagine he will go visit them, and he still has things at my house which he said he would pick up, so I guess that will be our next rendez vous.

 

I guess this is taking things at a snail's pace, or maybe it is the end?

 

Who knows?

 

Its not over yet, so I will keep updating.

 

Until the next post...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am still not exactly sure what you want. You were at such a point of distress when you locked him out of the house. You were fed up with the way he was treating you and you were fed up with how irresponsible he was, how you were doing everything, how he couldn't even remember to lock doors in an unsafe neighbourhood, how he would call you names etc. So how exactly are all of those issues being addressed? Do you want him back? Does he want to come back? So you saw each other and now you are on cloud nine...but why? What has been really accomplished in sorting out the issues that divided the two of you so much that you went to such drastic measures to change the locks so that he couldn't get into the house?

[sadchick83]

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs,

 

I would not say I am on cloud 9, and after a month of almost NC, I would say I want to try to get back together. We simply had an initial date. It was late, we were both tired. But, it was nice that he made some sort of effort. I guess I look at thie positive. He is not with anyone else, he is not partying, he is simply working.

 

I appreciate your concerns. Crazyaboutdogs, maybe look at it like this, in your terms.... I have a rescued dog. Everyone gave up on him except me. It took a while, but now he is a healthy, happy dog who initially had to be muzzled. Sometimes people lash out, however, I don't think it is a good thing to dispose of people so readily. I always believe in giving people a second chance, and hopefully people do the same for me.

 

I agree with you, we have not had a chance to chat about our relationship. I dont think it is a good topic of conversation for the first encounter after NC.

 

I think the best thing to do is show the other person, you care, but you are concurrently moving on with your life. I am not as worried, We had a great relationship. We love tennis, golf, snowboarding, camping, travel, religion, waking up early, going to bed early, eating healthy, the list goes on.

 

I'm now going to sit back and wait, hopefully our common interest, and old love will bring us back together.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, but people are not dogs. Trying to save people from their emotional hangups and irresponsible behaviour is co-dependency. You are showing signs of typical co-dependent behaviour where the fights are real real over the top doozies and then just as suddenly all is swept under the rug. Changing the locks on your live-in partner is a real extreme measure...it shows fear, retaliation etc. Then just as suddenly it is like that never happened and you feel sorry for him again and see him as this poor misunderstood person whom you took under your wing. In other words, you are setting yourself up for wash, rinse, repeat.

[DN]

Given good faith on both sides, a willingness to change bad behaviour and fix problems, most relationships can be mended if both people love each other enough.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Given good faith on both sides, a willingness to change bad behaviour and fix problems, most relationships can be mended if both people love each other enough.

 

I totally agree. I think my main point is that there needs to be some real honest to goodness thinking about what happened, why it got so bad and how things will be different...and the thinking and reflecting and changing has to come from both sides. The chaning of the locks shows that things had reached a crisis point in the relationship...the events leading up to the crisis point and the crisis point itself needs to be addressed.