What goes into a reconciliation letter?

[brokenheart311]

I've been dumped several times before and have had my heart crushed in the process. However I have never asked to be taken back by anybody after the initial breakup conversation.

 

This latest breakup though is a little different in that when it happened it felt more like a mutual breakup and from several people i've talked to in my life some feel as though I was the dumper and some feel she was the dumper. The point is though when things ended I just left, didn't fight the breakup, only asked where we went wrong.

 

So now here I am nearly 5 weeks later of NC from either of us and I thought of plenty of mistakes I made in the final six weeks of our relationship. All of these things I did could have been construed by her that I wasn't looking at things for a long term commitment with her. The fact is I was, but I wasn't at a place in my life where I was going to make promises In couldn't back up because I was working for free as a student. Now I'm starting a new job Monday and I want to try and reconcile with her as well.

 

Which brings me to the point of what do I put in the letter? Do I spill it all out (my gut tells me no)? Do just say "hi, I was thinking about you. what's up?" (again this doesn't feel right). So pretty much I'm looking for some outside perspective of what is the right amount on context to go with in this situation.

[K.S.I]

I cannot advice what to write in such a letter, but I strongly suggest not to input anything what could be interpreted as you puting any kind of blame on her.

[WockaWocka]

Any reason you are choosing to do it via a letter rather than in person, phone, etc? Letters are nice because they let you convey feelings with more sincerity (and they seem more serious and dignified than a phone call), but if you have no idea what she would feel with regard to getting back together then you risk feeling vulnerable and dejected if you don't get a response.

 

I would maybe try to pitch it down the middle, tell her you miss her and you see the mistakes you made and wish things had turned out differently. That way it's not overtly "please take me back" and remains true even if you don't ever reunite, but it's also not casual "what's up." The kind of letter you could follow up with a phone call. But this is just an initial reflex.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe it is just me but it would bother me if my bf only wanted me when he has a job.

[brokenheart311]

Maybe it is just me but it would bother me if my bf only wanted me when he has a job.

 

I don't want her now just because I have a job. I've realized my mistakes since the day after we broke up and thought it best to give it some time to let her cool off and to make sure this is also what I wanted to do. It also did bother her that I didn't have a job over the summer, it's not what broke us up but she did mention a few times that I will be nice when I'm making money again. Also contacting her after I have a job provides me the chance to actually invite her out on a real date again where the man pays and it gives me some news to actually share with her.

 

Thanks Wockawocka, so an email that admits regret and mistakes without being specific. So if she responds and we meet up we can talk about how we can avoid or deal with issues if we decide to try again.

[Ms Darcy]

It also did bother her that I didn't have a job over the summer ... but she did mention a few times that I will be nice when I'm making money again.

 

The way I read that it's not that your not having a job bothered her but that the way you treated her when you didn't have a job bothered her.

[brokenheart311]

The way I read that it's not that your not having a job bothered her but that the way you treated her when you didn't have a job bothered her.

 

 

The job issue: I got sick over the summer and just took over the counter meds, she mentioned it would be nice when I have a job because because I will then have health insurance and go to the doctor when something like that comes up.

 

She mentioned that I can either get my AC fixed in my truck or get a new car when I get a job, so that we don't always drive her car when we go out. I was very hot and humid where we live and she didn't want to ride in my vehicle since the AC was out.

 

One night when we went out for dinner she offered to pay because she knew I was short on money from working for free. However after the waitress took her card she says "I can't wait until you start getting paid again. You owe me big time is all I have to say". Mind you she has only paid a handful of times for us to go out.

 

Other issues: Yeah I admit that I conveyed some behaviors that she may have construed as me not being in this relationship for the long haul with her. One particular incident is this: Before this most recent relationship I was engaged once before and I still had the ring in my possession. She knew early on from the getting to know you phase that i had been engaged before. Right about the time she started to act cool towards me I had taken the ring to a jewelry store and put it up for sale on consignment. My plans were to use part of the money from the sale of the ring on living expenses and I was going to save the rest and start saving possibly to by current girl an engagement ring around next Valentine's Day. She asked what I was gonna do with the money when the ring sold, and instead of telling her my true intent I said "I'll just absorb it back into my monthly budget or maybe I'll get a nice tv or something". At the time I thought nothing of it and felt as though I was protecting a possible surprise for her down the line. After my father heard this story he thought it could have contributed to her beginning to distance herself, since she was looking for that next step.

 

Ms Darcy, I don't deny that I gave her reason to doubt as to what my future intentions were and in retrospect that's where things started going south for us. I do have contention though that I want her back just because I now have a job. Because I now have a job I can focus on providing her security that she was seeking from me and which I've always wanted to be able tom provide for her.

[Ms Darcy]

So if you get back together, do you want to tell her that you want to get engaged? I'm just trying to understand.

[brokenheart311]

So if you get back together, do you want to tell her that you want to get engaged? I'm just trying to understand.

 

That's the rub. I think the fact that I hadn't talked about marriage yet is what led to us breaking up (along with my mixed messages), but at the same time she didn't ever bring it up directly herself, so we had some communication issues. If we get back together and we can put the bad communication behind us and fix it then yes I want to tell her that I see us heading towards marriage. I don't want to approach the reconciliation saying that I want to marry her because it could be taken as a desperate attempt and short sighted because it would ignore the flaw that led to the breakup in the first place. At the same time I want to leave some mystery and surprise as to how/when I would propose.

 

Guess that's why I'm here asking for help because I know I want her back, I love her, I can correct my mistakes that led to the break up, and I want to experience a future with her. I just know how to go about doing it since I've never tried to get someone back into my life.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the fact that I hadn't talked about marriage yet is what led to us breaking up (along with my mixed messages), but at the same time she didn't ever bring it up directly herself, so we had some communication issues.

 

What exactly did she say was the reason(s) for the breakup?

[WockaWocka]

Thanks Wockawocka, so an email that admits regret and mistakes without being specific. So if she responds and we meet up we can talk about how we can avoid or deal with issues if we decide to try again.

 

Sure. I think a little bit of specificity on one or two things you miss about her or the relationship and on what your mistakes were (even if it's just not having fully appreciated the connection you shared, or were going through a major transition) would be useful.

 

I didn't realize by letter you meant "email." LOL. You might consider an actual letter (even if not handwritten), as I think it conveys a sense of patience and sincerity, as opposed to an email. Also she can't just forward it to friends and ask "what do you think?" But that's just me! Either way I hope you have a good chance of getting her back.

 

Cheers.