"I knew she was the one because she was different than the others"

[joe83]

Hey all,

 

Two years ago I met a wonderful girl at my University. We are both 27 (she is turning 28 next month) we are both in love and life is good.

 

Lately she has been pushing me to get married reasoning that we get along perfectly together. I am hard pressed to disagree. I work from home most days and she isn't working yet (just graduated) we spend a crazy amount of time together.

 

Here is the thing. Even though we are both 27 we have had radically different dating lives. She started dating as a teenager and has had several (like 6) long term relationships. She is my first serious relationship.

 

Whenever I hear a friend or colleague get engaged I ask him what made him pull the trigger and the answer I get more than any other is that his current girl was so different from all the others.

 

Seems logical but I don't have any "others". I have 8 dates (three of them were blind dates) that just never went anywhere (only 2 of them resulted in a 2nd date). I have contemplated breaking up with her, dating other girls and seeing if I can arrive at that conclusion. I am worried that will damage the relationship.

 

I am also worried that if I get married without having done that, there will always be a nagging doubt that I should have dated more girls. That I would make the biggest decision of my life without comparing my current relationship to another one.

 

Anyone have any advice?

 

Joe

[SapphireNoir10]

This is a classic case of GIGS, grass is greener syndrome.

 

I understand where your coming from. If you marry her, you'll always wonder what it would have been like to date someone else, sleep with someone else, and you may risk cheating/leaving her at a later date.

 

At the same time, being single, free, isnt that great, trust me.

 

In my life I've been through several rubbish relationships, and although they've taught me valuable lessons, if the first person I'd seriously dated had been lovely, I wouldnt have cared about them being my only bf.

 

If you feel this way, maybe you should break up with her, she deserves someone a 100% in the relationship, who loves her and sees a future. If you have a foot out the door thats not fair on her. you can't break up with her, sleep around, get back together with her, it wont work like that.

 

But, a warning, from someone who knows, if the next girl isnt as great, or you don't find someone else as good, then don't be suprised if she wont take you back.

[Maverick44]

Heh - you're always going to think that even if you do have additional partners.

 

That said, my personal view (and this is after having been with my share of women), if you find someone who is willing to put up with you and you with her, and you share an intimate closeness - I'd be hard-pressed in telling you to walk away from that.

 

The thing is that sometimes you have to have bad relationships to value the good ones, unfortunately. Unless you can see what a bad relationship looks like and learn from it so that you don't have to go through it. I've told my younger cousin(s) pretty much the same thing. If your relationship seems golden, value it and don't let that girl go, bro. It'll be your friends who end up being envious (unless of course you have a WWIII type relationship).

 

Maverick

[_Asti_]

My whole motto has always been that you don't need to experience other relationships to know what you have in front of you.

I have only ever been in one relationship, and we are engaged and will be getting married in the spring.

Did I think from the start over 6 years ago he was the one? No. But as time passed, I realized how amazing the relationship was, how great of a partner he was and all of those things that made me go "Yes, I want to marry him and spend my life with him..."

 

We clicked. We're compatible. Our goals and values are the same. We communicate well. We're good to each other day in and day out. We don't have any issues.

 

What is me going out and testing out other men going to do? I know all of these things already, seeing what else is out there won't do a single thing, except perhaps make me lose something that is really great.

 

He was in one other relationship prior to me [he is 29 currently...] but when him and I speak about relationships, we just keep saying how lucky we are compared to our friends and family members. I can compare my relationship to others. I sit and listen to people whine and complain, heck just read around on these boards and see the issues people have! You don't necessarily need to go out and see what else is out ther if you're happy and satisfied. It won't solve anything, unless you are looking for more out of a relationship that she isn't providing and are unsatisfied because that alone is a reason for ending a relationship.

 

You risk losing her, and if you feel that you would be okay with letting her go and not getting her back because you think something out there will be better, then let her go and find someone who doesn't make you question what else is out there.

[jenny_mcs]

 

I have contemplated breaking up with her, dating other girls and seeing if I can arrive at that conclusion. I am worried that will damage the relationship.

 

 

Um, you think dumping your gf so you can date other girls *might* damage the relationship?

 

I think if you are OK with losing this woman totally from your life, and understand that there is no guarantee that she would ever accept you back, then go for it. Your gf deserves someone who is fully committed to her, and thinks she is the best thing that ever happened to him.

[joe83]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I probably should clarify that I do NOT *want* to do this. I don't know if the doubts I have are because of her (probably not) or because I haven't had another serious relationship (probably). I am not sure I will break up with her (in fact I am leaning against it) but I don't know how long I can "just date her". She is turning 28 and she feels like her biological clock is ticking especially since she told me she wanted to be married for 2-3 years before having children.

 

Joe

[_Asti_]

Do you feel ready to marry her? Or ready for marriage in general? I think part of being in a relationship is finding someone compatible with your relationship goals.

 

Part of remaining in this relationship will have to be accepting that she is ready for the serious and real thing, and perhaps that is where you are getting the feeling of "Is this is it..." because she's looking for marriage and you know by remaining with her, she wants the commitment and the family as soon as possible. If it's too soon, I think its partially ok and normal to start to question things if you haven;t experienced anything else, and headed straight for marriage with this relationship.

Perhaps thats the bigger issue here, that she's pushing forward and you're just happy with being in a committed relationship for now. She knows what she's after and is probably assuming that you feel the same and want the same.

[SapphireNoir10]

Two years is fairly soon, and, shes in no rush to have kids, she can have them up to forty.

 

Is it because shes pushing you into it you feel uncomfortable?

[yeawutever]

Two years is fairly soon, and, shes in no rush to have kids, she can have them up to forty.

 

Is it because shes pushing you into it you feel uncomfortable?

Not really... I heard of couples who gotten married in less than 1 year of dating. Then again, everyone is different.

 

OP I think you should have a serious talk with her. If she's ready for this next step and you aren't then sadly you might have to break up because don't think she'll react positively about the news you're about to give her. I don't know if she'll continue dating you but the only way it's an honest discussion with her.

[_Asti_]

Not really... I heard of couples who gotten married in less than 1 year of dating. Then again, everyone is different.

 

 

 

If one person isn't on the same page, then it can certainly be too early for the relationship.

[SapphireNoir10]

Not really... I heard of couples who gotten married in less than 1 year of dating. Then again, everyone is different.

 

OP I think you should have a serious talk with her. If she's ready for this next step and you aren't then sadly you might have to break up because don't think she'll react positively about the news you're about to give her. I don't know if she'll continue dating you but the only way it's an honest discussion with her.

 

Its obviously too soon to the OP is what I mean, it may be time for her, but its not for him.

[The_Seeker]

Dang, save the girl the trouble and her time. Break up with her so she can find someone who wants what she wants. Do not expect her to be friends with you, or have the same feelings like she did when you go back to her and realizing that mistakes.

 

It's very clear you want to date other people because you don't know if she is "the one."

[yeawutever]

Dang, save the girl the trouble and her time. Break up with her so she can find someone who wants what she wants. Do not expect her to be friends with you, or have the same feelings like she did when you go back to her and realizing that mistakes.

 

It's very clear you want to date other people because you don't know if she is "the one."

Yeah.. if I was in that woman's shoe I would feel like absolute crap knowing ''I'm not the right one'' or he not trusting me enough and will probably not even be friends with the man.

For all I know is the girlfriend will not take the ''no'' with delight in her face but it's better to say it on time than further waste the girl more time.

[The_Seeker]

Yeah.. if I was in that woman's shoe I would feel like absolute crap knowing ''I'm not the right one'' or he not trusting me enough and will probably not even be friends with the man.

For all I know is the girlfriend will not take the ''no'' with delight in her face but it's better to say it on time than further waste the girl more time.

 

For some reason, you got me thinking of a movie called Leap Year, where the guy spent 4 years of his life with his girlfriend and didn't want to get married to her.

 

All his girlfriend ever did for him was love him and respect him.

[yeawutever]

For some reason, you got me thinking of a movie called Leap Year, where the guy spent 4 years of his life with his girlfriend and didn't want to get married to her.

 

All his girlfriend ever did for him was love him and respect him.

Wow, what a real slap in the face for that poor girl. Ironically I just stated a thread about this yesterday on

I know I'm still young at age 23 but what if some guy (like the movie) drains me years out of me into this ''waiting limbo'' thing. This is what I'm concern about. I just got out of a relationship with a man that wasted 4 years out of my life (I was the dumper)... do I need 4 more to go??

So the OP has to let his girlfriend know this ASAP.

[The_Seeker]

Wow, what a real slap in the face for that poor girl. Ironically I just stated a thread about this yesterday on

I know I'm still young at age 23 but what if some guy (like the movie) drains me years out of me into this ''waiting limbo'' thing. This is what I'm concern about. I just got out of a relationship with a man that wasted 4 years out of my life (I was the dumper)... do I need 4 more to go??

So the OP has to let his girlfriend know this ASAP.

 

Holy cow, you spent 4 years plus! I'm amazed.

 

I'm only 22 and I got out of a 8 month relationship about a month ago [We were a good match but he had the GIGS ;] ]. My first relationship and his as well and it hurts a lot, but still being strong and playing it smart this time after seeing Leap Year. I think the expiration date on relationship for me would be 1 year if a guy doesn't know if she is the one he wants to spend his life with.

 

Thanks for posting your thread! I learned a lot from it!

[yeawutever]

Holy cow, you spent 4 years plus! I'm amazed.

 

I'm only 22 and I got out of a 8 month relationship about a month ago [We were a good match but he had the GIGS ;] ]. My first relationship and his as well and it hurts a lot, but still being strong and playing it smart this time after seeing Leap Year. I think the expiration date on relationship for me would be 1 year if a guy doesn't know if she is the one he wants to spend his life with.

 

Thanks for posting your thread! I learned a lot from it!

I know.. that's how much patience I had (not anymore) and it was a LDR (long distance relationship) so there was no point anymore. I'm now setting my time limit on the 16 month. The first 6 months will be a ''getting to know each other freebie'', the second 6 months will be ''Are we compatible and have the same future plans (in other words ''Are we on the same page''?) and third, final stage will be the ''Determination'' period... meaning ''Alright what's the deal, are you going to marry me or waste my time, and when (date, time, etc)''.

Yes it's better to put time limits than being played.

[The_Seeker]

I know.. that's how much patience I had (not anymore) and it was a LDR (long distance relationship) so there was no point anymore. I'm now setting my time limit on the 16 month. The first 6 months will be a ''getting to know each other freebie'', the second 6 months will be ''Are we compatible and have the same future plans (in other words ''Are we on the same page''?) and third, final stage will be the ''Determination'' period... meaning ''Alright what's the deal, are you going to marry me or waste my time, and when (date, time, etc)''.

Yes it's better to put time limits than being played.

 

I'm borrowing your timeline. Ha ha! If you don't mind!

[yeawutever]

I'm borrowing your timeline. Ha ha! If you don't mind!

Sure you can use it.....