Guys who say stuff like, "now the ball's in your court" or "your turn to ask me out"...

[freeindeed]

Am I the only girl that gets completely annoyed or turned off by this? Or maybe it's just that it's often guys that I'm not interested in tend to do this... But it's such a turn off!

 

One guy, after taking me out (if I can even say that, since he didn't have to pay for it), said, "k, next time it's your turn to ask me out..." I ofcourse smiled and laughed, but was kinda irked that he would say that to me. I never called him after that.

 

Another guy tried to make a move on me on the first date, and when I told him it was too soon, he responded "okay but now the ball is in your court to make a movE on me" and then winked. Ew. Needless to say, I never went out with him again.

 

Maybe there's nothing wrong with these statements,per say, but I just get totally turned off!! Am I the only one?

[Sparkly Eyes]

odd. I wouldn't mind the second guy.he made a move, you said no and now the ball is in your court, I wouldn't think it's a bad thing to say. I think you are being too picky.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Oh no, darling, you are definitely not the only one.

 

There are millions of women out there who think that acting as a full-fledged adult person in front of a man is "unfeminine", and who demand their right to be condescended and patronised as the post-feminist "ladygirl" hybrids that they learnt to be during the latest anti-woman market backlash of the 2000s. They usually turn their nose up at using their own earned money (that would be, like, feminist!) and they have a lot of handbags.

 

There are also millions of men who feel emasculated and emotionally castrated by a woman who actually picks up the phone and says things like "hey, I like your company and I want to get to know you better, let's hang out". They prefer women to be demure and deferential and just a tiny bit mentally subnormal so that power dynamics do not get too challenged by some misguided female who may freakishly begin to wonder why she is just treated as nothing more than a receptacle -- for attention, shiny things, sperm, emotional insecurities, work stress, whatever.

 

This guarantees that these two categories of human will never be lonely for now, that our market will be solidly underpinned by inter-gender miscommunication and expectations (until the credit card debt bubble explodes in our faces, but that's not for here), and that nothing, in the long run, will change all that much for anyone.

 

The guy who dared to suggest you give him a call -- thank you for never calling him back and setting him free for another woman who wants an actual partner and not a watered-down overlord.

[DreamerGirl27]

Every time I post something like this, I get Jack **** telling me I need to be more forward, this is 2010 not the 1500's. But I totally and completely agree with you. It's the guy who should be doing the pursuing and that has nothing to do with feminism/anti feminism...it's just the way it is with some girls/guys.

[kylee]

I would say it's old fashioned, but there is nothing wrong with that. I share your views, personally I think that a man should...well be a man. I just want to be woed, to feel special and I don't think that is so wrong.

[Sparkly Eyes]

haha, great post.

[freeindeed]

Lol! Hilarious. I KNEW there was going to be atleast 1 guy who had said those types of things in the past and got a similar reaction and was going to lambast me... but I actually thought the post was funny/amusing. I hope those guys ended up with girls who like that kind of "flirtation" ... but I'm not one of them. I like things to go at a natural pace and not have a gut tell me to ask him out or make a move. I feel that's the equivalent of a girl you meet and in the same day she says "so when are you taking me out?"... a little presumptuous if you ask me.

 

Had either of those guys just backed off and let things happen naturally (ie, the first guy saying something about having a nice evening, or the second guy just backing off) I might have been more inclined to call up for the 2nd date, or made a move when I felt comfortable.

 

But the said what they said and it was a complete turn off. Nothing gonna change that, it is what it is. I was just wondering if I was the only one that felt that way, and I'm obviously not

[DN]

I do think it is a bit lame for women to expect this in these modern times. Apart from the fact it makes women appear weak and less than courageous, it is manipulative to use the "I want a man to be a man' line because what it really implies is "I want a man to be a man but only when it suits my convenience and, by the way, he has to guess when that is."

[Batya33]

Unless it was said and meant as a joke I would find those two statements tacky - there are classier ways to get the same point accross, especially when you're first getting to know someone. Man or woman.

[DN]

I don't see why saying "next time it is your turn to ask me out" is tacky'.

 

I agree saying "the ball is in your court to make a move on me" was bad phrasing but he does have a point. Once overtures are rejected it is really up to the person who did the rejecting to indicate when they are ready.

[sophie274]

Unless it was said and meant as a joke I would find those two statements tacky - there are classier ways to get the same point accross, especially when you're first getting to know someone. Man or woman.

 

Yes, I don't disagree with the sentiment necessarily (and I do my fair share of asking out and date planning), but the way he said it would make me feel awkward and turn me off (also because I really dislike sports metaphors There's something about it that feels tacky to me too, or kind of pushy. I guess I'd rather call up the guy without him telling me to!

[penelope13]

I don't know why it should be considered tacky for men to clearly state their expectations. OP was free to decide how to react to it, but none of the men did something wrong IMO.

 

I'd guess considering all the numerous complaints on this site that people are not honest about their expectations when it comes to dating, these two guys did an excellent job of expression where they stand.

 

If more men would be so direct and honest, maybe it would start to sink into the heads of some women that despite what their mothers might have told them and despite all the romantic fantasies, a lot of men have moved on from 'I'm the man; it's the man's job to do all the pursuing, if you don't allow me to do this, I won't feel like a man nor will I consider you feminine/ dating material if you are a woman that doesn't wait for me to do all the moves'.

[shes2smart]

Blunt. Direct. To the point. Perhaps a little short on tact....but the message was clear.

 

I woulda loved this when I was single, and responded in kind. I mean, you've just been given the green light here - any advance you chose to make likely wouldn't have been rejected. None of that wondering if you'd be rejected, wondering if he's interested, blah, blah, blah BS.

 

I find it bizarre how most people will say they "don't like to play games," yet when they encounter someone who is direct about what they want/expect/are looking for they don't react well to that, either.

[StarFright]

Typically I like the guy to make the first moves, only because I know I can get a little in too deep and attached to certain people. Most guys I know my age aren't into that, and quite frankly I don't want to get my hopes up so I allow them to take the reigns at least at first so I know their personality. I can also be a bit old fashioned and I love when a guy is chivalrous. I'm a sucker for it.

 

When it comes to a guy saying "the balls in your court" or the like, I'm OK with that. As a matter of fact, I'm even OK with paying for a guy. I've done it before. But I'm not ok with him telling me I should take him out on a date. I never tell a guy to pay for me...ever. I always offer to pay my way. I never say "Haha, you should pay for me next time" To me it's crass for either party to do it if they are actually serious. It is a courtesy to be treated to something and should be thanked for. Most guys pay for me regardless, and I thank them even if I wasn't really "into" the date. And as I stated above, I have offered to pay for guys on dates. Just don't ASK me to do it. Because then I'll probably laugh in your face and walk away.

 

EDIT: I think I misinterpreted "asking out" for actually paying. If this is the case, then I wouldn't get upset over it. Some guys like to know the woman is actually interested in them and want to be able to gauge their interest. One time, I didn't initiate texts with a guy and he took it very personally. Turns out, I really wasn't interested in him, so in a way he was right to feel this way.

[DN]

Blunt. Direct. To the point. Perhaps a little short on tact....but the message was clear.

 

I woulda loved this when I was single, and responded in kind. I mean, you've just been given the green light here - any advance you chose to make likely wouldn't have been rejected. None of that wondering if you'd be rejected, wondering if he's interested, blah, blah, blah BS.

 

I find it bizarre how most people will say they "don't like to play games," yet when they encounter someone who is direct about what they want/expect/are looking for they don't react well to that, either.

Well said, S2S (as always)

 

These days when I see the word 'chivalrous' it is almost always used in a way that means someone wants some sort of advantage.

[freeindeed]

I really question if some of you who responded actually read what I wrote or is just using this post to ramble on about your opinions of who should do the asking/the paying/the courting...etc.

 

I NEVER said the man should always do the asking, I DO NOT think a guy is my meal ticket ... I do fine on my own. I DO like honesty... but would you really say to a girl on a first date, "man, I really want to sleep with you."??? And what if that's how you really felt.... Would NOT saying it be dishonest???? Lol.

 

Bottom line, and take this however you want, when certain things are said (such as the ones I mentioned in my OP) it can be a deterrent or a turn off. So do whatever you want ... Go ahead, be honest and tell a girl that you'd like her to ask you out, and that you'd love to take her in the backseat of your car, and that u think her mother's ugly.... u prefer honesty, right? Go for it, see what happens.... and please DO report back with your success

[Batya33]

Because being direct and open (just because something is honest doesn't mean it needs to be said bluntly, or at all) needs to be balanced with tact, thoughtfulness, what is appropriate for the situation. I would find those statements akin to "let's split the bill down the middle - your share is $11.13".

 

I never expected the man to do all the pursuing and I don't think a woman expecting a man to have a certain level of social/conversational skills is unrealistic. Maybe some women would go for that - it's not offensive - but it would be a turn off to me.

[BriarRose]

It indicates low-class and laziness and perhaps even lack of strong interest in the woman.

[annie24]

Or maybe it's just that it's often guys that I'm not interested in tend to do this... But it's such a turn off!

 

or perhaps they are sensing your ambivalence or lack of interest in them? and they're just telling you if you are interested, to go ahead and make a move?

 

I went on a link removed date many years ago. it was a nice time, he walked me home. at the end of the night, he said 'i want to see you again, call me.' I said, well, 'we can schedule something right now, my semester is over so i have lots of time.' he said 'i want you to call me.' we went back and forth a few times. i thought it was some kind of weird control thing, so i never called him again. i think he was a game player based on this and other things he said during the date.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I agree with you on this post. I personally would feel pushed. If a guy leaned in for a kiss on the first date, but I didn't want to kiss for a few dates, I would feel pressured to kiss him on the second date - before I was ready. So, yeah, I would feel pushed and that's a turn-off for me.

 

Also, I hate trite metaphors. I even get on people on this forum who say that phrase!

[caveman91]

I don't think its an issue of right or wrong. Pursuing feels natural to me. It's what I like to do. It's the way I am. And I think I'm too darn old to change that. Or maybe I just don't care to.

 

I like to pursue. To flirt. I even like to analysis a bit why I got rejected with a given approach. How did I read the situation wrong? I do ask myself these questions "so I went in for the kiss and she gave me the pull back. What did I read wrong in that situation?"

 

I look at all efforts as either successful or room for improvement and ways to learn.

 

It's probably also partly because from my failed marriage my ego was put through a meat-grinder. So a silly little rejection on a 1st date is nothing.

[generaldiscord]

I appreciate it.

 

The guy is basically saying "I really enjoy spending time with you", and screaming, "I NEED SOME FEEDBACK, PLEASE MAKE A MOVE TO SHOW YOU CARE!!!". I value the frankness, and I adore the equality.

 

I usually respond in kind.

 

Guy: Balls in your court now, woman!

Me: Sorry, I'm short on change right now, but we could go for a hike!

Guy: I LOVE hiking!

Me: Ok, hows Saturday?

Guy: oops, got a dentist appointment.

Me: Gotcha. Balls in your court now. 1 love.

[pinkelephant]

Those two statements, as said by someone else, are so tacky. Even as a joke, they're not funny. On a serious note, they could've been said in a different way. They could've not been said at all. I think you said they were said on *the* first date? First date is wayyyyy too soon to be, "well, I already tried. YOUR TURN NOW!!". Those guys sound like idiots.

 

Reciprocation should always happen in dating and relationships though, but I don't think this is about reciprocation. This is about these guys and their lack of patience and tact. I think it also shows that they're unable to read you and the situation without spelling things out. He tried to put the moves on you ON THE FIRST DATE and you said chill. Any reasonably socially intelligent guy would back off and let things naturally progress then see how things go, you might give him more signs to 'put on the moves' or you might even do it yourself. If this was like the 6th date, then he should be that direct.

 

There are situations that call for that kind of directness; this isn't it.

[itsallgrand]

Well the way they delivered might be a bit of a turn off. But the basic message is fine by me.

 

And I'm not always Ms. Smooth Operator and don't really expect a man to be smooth all the time.

 

I think it's one of those things that if you were very much interested overall in the person, it wouldn't be such a big thing. But if you are hesitant at all, it could feel like the like coffin nail in the date.

[Batya33]

Well the way they delivered might be a bit of a turn off. But the basic message is fine by me.

 

And I'm not always Ms. Smooth Operator and don't really expect a man to be smooth all the time.

 

I think it's one of those things that if you were very much interested overall in the person, it wouldn't be such a big thing. But if you are hesitant at all, it could feel like the like coffin nail in the date.

 

I don't expect a man to be "smooth" either but those statements - and said that early on in getting to know me- would make me wonder about whether he had adequate social skills and would concern me as far as introducing him to friends/colleagues/family.