Caught wife cheating with another woman

[frankenstrat]

You guys have given me much to think about & do. Thank you all. DN...If it was a man and not a woman I would already have packed her stuff up and put it in the yard. Don't ask me why but for some reason I don't think I could ever get over it but am willing to try with this.

[lostnscared]

I would not suffer for three days. I would just call her this evening, when she is out of the meeting and settled, and talk with her about it. I would also begin to REALLY evaluate whether or not your willing to work with her *if* she apologizes and still wants to be with. The fact that she cheated on you with a woman, means that she may either be bi-sexual or a lesbian and if that is the case you will want to address this with her, because if she is really a "closet lesbian" then I don't think you will be able to work in the long term.

[frankenstrat]

That's a damn good question summersweet! Why don't people just leave instead of putting their families through this crap. I'll pray for you as I do my family. It won't be easy but hang tough! We'll get through it 1 way or the other.

[abitbroken]

How do you know they are having an affair? One of the things we have all learned here is that text messages can sometimes be misconstrued, etc, and are the cause of many misunderstandings. What exactly did the text say?

 

I would not call HR. I am sure you love your wife and wouldn't want to publicly humiliate her. Also, you have just texts to go on. You should really take a deep breath and decide if you think what is happening is happening and you should talk to your wife about it. You also have to deal with the issue of looking through her phone - she may not trust you after that.

 

Is there a way to make a comment to her or ask her a question to find out a little more, so maybe she will out herself? I would do something to get the spark back. Take her out to a romantic dinner. Surprise her with a room in a lovely suite, etc. Or maybe talk about how she would like you to 'get her in the mood'. Have you also asked her that you noticed that she was a little stressed and if she wanted to talk about it. Or say "i had some sad news at work. One of my customers' wife left him for another woman. He was really shocked..." and see what her reaction is.

 

I don't know if you'll get the truth if you confront her while she is on a business trip. I would try to talk to her in person.

[DN]

You guys have given me much to think about & do. Thank you all. DN...If it was a man and not a woman I would already have packed her stuff up and put it in the yard. Don't ask me why but for some reason I don't think I could ever get over it but am willing to try with this.

It's still infidelity - she still cheated on you.

 

I think if you don't treat this cheating in the same way you will regret it.

 

I agree you should see a lawyer to at least know your rights.

[summersweet]

That's a damn good question summersweet! Why don't people just leave instead of putting their families through this crap. I'll pray for you as I do my family. It won't be easy but hang tough! We'll get through it 1 way or the other.

Yes, I believe we will.

It hurts like hell, tho. When I read those texts I felt like I was punched in the gut. I think I may have buckled. I fell into the chair. It's a jolt from hell.

 

He was my best friend since I was a kid. We got married young and I thought we were happy.

 

I feel so betrayed and worthless, but thats something I have to work on.

 

Have you made the decision to call and confront her? I'd rather do it face to face to get the expression on her face but I wouldn't want to sit for 3 days stewing, either.

[frankenstrat]

I want to call & confront her with this very badly but would much rather wait & do it face to face. Not sure if I can make it 3 days but I'm going to try. Something like this should be discussed face to face I think.

 

Hear you about feeling punched in the gut. I'm still feeling it and food doesn't help. I quit smoking 1 year ago and today is the closest I've come to starting again. Figure if I can make it through this without smoking I can make it through anything.

[lavenderdove]

I think the best way to get thru this is to get the advice of a marriage counselor. You can call and visit one even before she gets back, and ask about the best way to confront her with what you know.

 

Then you both need to attend marriage counseling to see if this is an affair that you can get past, or whether this is a deeper issue (she thinks she is a lesbian and is just now acknowledging this), or is bisexual and was tempted like in any other affair. A professional can probably steer you thru this in a way that is best for everyone, whether that is tryin to stay together or breaking up.

[frankenstrat]

I had not thought of that but contacting a marriage counselor before she comes back sounds like a good idea lavenderdove and think I will do that 1st thing in the morning. Thank you!

[Staple]

You should leave her, she's a bad person, just make sure you know the consequences of a divorce can be horrifying for a man (aka she'll take all your money).

[abouttime]

Pack her * * * * . Leave it on the step for when she gets home. Then ask her out right face to face. "Give me one reason to let you stay after burying your face between another woman's legs" That should pretty much cut through the small talk. Don't worry about alimony, sounds like she might have to pay you.

[Iceman26]

You should leave her, she's a bad person, just make sure you know the consequences of a divorce can be horrifying for a man (aka she'll take all your money).

 

I wouldn't say she is a bad person...but definitely a selfish one (as cheaters often are).

 

She's lost right now, likely confused, and is taking that out on her family because she is in a fog. She needs help to break out of that fog and make a rational choice versus cheating on her husband and family.

[Iceman26]

Pack her * * * * . Leave it on the step for when she gets home. Then ask her out right face to face. "Give me one reason to let you stay after burying your face between another woman's legs" That should pretty much cut through the small talk. Don't worry about alimony, sounds like she might have to pay you.[/quote

 

This isn't a bad idea...I don't know if I would be as graphic, but you do need to show a strong front.

[lostandhurt]

There is a normal reaction to get some kind of revenge through actions or words. I would ask you to please think very hard before you do anything.

I was cheated on after 20 years together and somehow I took the high road throughout the whole thing. Looking back I have no regrets. I have taken the high road since and I am better for it.

These 3 days are actually a gift not a curse. They give you time to digest everything and come up with a plan. If I were you I would get a voice activated tape recorder and place it in the room somewhere when you talk to her about the affair. To many times either the history of what happened or what was said or done is re-written by the cheater to their advantage. If the police get involved you will have proof that you were calm and stable. You might think it could never happen but you also thought your wife would never cheat either. She is not the same person so be prepared. Ultimately the cheater often blames the spouse for their selfish actions.

 

You also need to think about living arrangements if this goes sideways on you. If you get thrown out of your own house (yes it can happen) you will need proof of what was in that house before you left. Video tape of take pictures of each room and each expensive item and store that info "off site" so you can get to it later if needed. Like wise with documents.

 

I truly hope this will work out but the selfishness of the cheater is deep. Men cheat and rarely make a emotional connection as they just wanted sex outside the marriage but when a woman cheats she makes a bond with her lover so it is much harder to break. This is why you and your child have become less to her.

 

Lost

[Unreasonable]

f I were you I would get a voice activated tape recorder and place it in the room somewhere when you talk to her about the affair.

Make sure you are in a state where that is legal before you do that. While many allow it if at least one of the parties is aware, some don't. Even still, it very likely won't be admissible in court.

[frankenstrat]

Good advice lostandhurt. After 1 day to think it over I am much calmer & not as furious as yesterday. Not at peace yet but getting there and am preparing myself for anything to happen when she walks through the door tomorrow. Talked to her on the phone a few hours ago & as you say I took the high road. I was painfully nice & affectionate to the point that if she has a soul left she should be wallowing in guilt right about now. I wanted to rage but kept it in check and feel the better for it. I have to keep it together for my daughter if nothing else.

[lostandhurt]

This wasn't really for court as much as proof later on. I know a few men that years later had their relationship with their children ruined by their ex's that were the cheaters but told their children their father did the cheating as they couldn't face the truth. It also comes in handy as leverage and keeps the cheater a little more honest, if that is possible.

Lost

Make sure you are in a state where that is legal before you do that. While many allow it if at least one of the parties is aware, some don't. Even still, it very likely won't be admissible in court.

[lostandhurt]

If you plan on tailking with her right when she gets home make sure your daughter is havig a sleep over at someones house that night. The discussion will be long and hurtful or very short and confusing.

Begging, pleading, guilting or threatening will do no good. Be sure to stay calm, keep your voice and hands low. Make sure you are stone cold sober and have been for days. Have plan on what you want to say and even right down a few notes to keep you on message. It may sound silly but your mind will be swimming and not thinking that clear will be normal. If the talk happens before she unpacks it might be better if you ask her to leave. She is already packed so it will be easier for her to go stay with her lover.

If she is remorsful have a plan for what you want to happen to start to rebuild the trust and love in your marriage. If she is defensive and combative have a plan for that as well. I would recommend telling her that until she calms down you will not discuss the matter any further. Then ask her to leave your house.

Be prepared for her to blame you for what she has done. She hasn't been happy for a long time, you don't make me happy anymore, I love you but I am not in love with you, I don't think I have ever really loved you, I am happier when you aren't here and on and on. These are the words of someone that can't look inward and only look outward for someone to blame. There are 3 of you in this family. She can't blame your daughter and it can't be herself so that just leaves you. Hopefully she will be honest enough with you and herself to admit the truth.

 

best wishes

Lost

[unknown100]

I found out about my ex's horrendous cheating escapades and immense disregard after we broke up. Uggggh. It kills me. Anyway, how I wish I had waited to confront him when I first found out. I wish I spent more time collecting evidence (then collecting most of it after our only conversation when he had enough power to deny it) before I called him. I am left with much regret about the way I handled it. More than that, I imagine all the time how much easier it would have been to catch him red-handed while we were together -gather the evidence and plan the catch - I kept minimizing my suspicions and trying to respect his privacy (and my fear of being yelled at and feeling guilty for breaking privacy) by not digging further when I would stumble on something - but how so much more satisfying it would have been to deal with it then.

 

So, with that said, my advice is to sit back this weekend and collect as much evidence as possible (computer, phone bills, emails, whatever you have access too). There is also software you can install on her phone, if you wish to monitor her texts - but it may be too late for it. Do NOT take revenge of any kind - especially publicly. Telling her office will only make things worse for your family - you support a child together. When you have sufficient evidence, decide what to do. If you know when the two will be together, perhaps you should show up, so that there is no denial to be had. I would search for her profile online as well - Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder. You don't know if this is the first affair of this kind. Either way tread carefully, and act in a way that empowers you completely. Waiting a few days is a good idea, especially that it gives you time to collect your thoughts and evidence. I know it is hard - I couldn't do it - I confronted too early because I was overwhelmed and it left me with a terrible sense of non-closure and dissatisfaction - despite following up with a nasty letter (no consequence at all for his despicable behavior/treatment). You are married, so you have more chances than I did to handle this.

 

How do you know for sure this person is a woman? Is it just the name? Good Luck. I am terribly sorry this is happening to you. The pain is tremendous.

[abouttime]

I do agree that you should have a VAR set up to record the conversation. If only to be able to reference her initial response in future conversations. And of course to protect yourself from false assault charges ( a tactic cheaters sometimes employ when its an exit affair).

[frankenstrat]

I'm fairly certain it's a woman because my daughter has actually met her a few times(I didn't know what was going on or I would never have allowed it) but anyway yeah, it's a woman alright. I think I will wait until after the weekend or maybe even later to confront her about this. Gathering evidence is the way to go & after a few days to chew on it I'm finding I'm more at peace with each passing day. I don't have a recorder so need to purchase 1 & also am thinking of hiring a PI to follow her for a few days and see what they can come up with. Does anyone have experience with using a private investigator? Good idea, bad idea?? Any opinions are most welcomed! Thanks to all for your help thus far.

[Unreasonable]

Are you ready for a divorce? I wouldn't bother with a PI unless you are. It's a waste of money if nothing is going on, and why spend the money trying to confirm something horrible UNLESS its a make or break deal?

 

Imo, with today's technology, you can legally find out everything you want to know about your spouse better than the CIA can without a court order. We now have the ability fit a voice recorder, video recorder, and a GPS tracking device into something the size of a cell phone. And that's not even real spy equipment.

[frankenstrat]

Ahstaroth that's a damn good point and no I'm not ready for a divorce yet. Would much rather work through this disaster. Even after all this I still love her & am willing to give her another chance.

[lavenderdove]

Just be careful because in some states it is illegal to tape a conversation without someone else's permission first... make sure it is legal in your state, or it cannot be used in a divorce court and may get you arrested for breaking the law.

[abouttime]

I would rather risk taping the conversation then risk getting a trumped up restraining order.