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Changing the locks today, on his birthday


sadchick83

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** he came home***

 

It was like something out of a horror movie...doorknobs rattling, the whole house was shaking at one point. He kept going back and forth from the front door to the back door. Meanwhile, I was completely in the dark.

 

I finally opened the 2nd floor bedroom window and let him know I was home. he asked me if I had changed the locks and I said "yes." I quickly mentioned he could pick up his things the next day. He was in shock!

 

He had the finishings of the closet and pleaded with me to bring them in as it was going to rain. So I agreed to collect them after he left.

 

For me being comfortable in a relationship means you can be seen without make-up or refrain from closing the bathroom door while in use. What is a woman to do a year or two into a relationship? People get too comfortable. They are no longer on their best behavior like the first month of a relationship. For him, he started to raise his voice... told him this was a deal breaker for me a year ago. Now the name calling is starting after a stressful work week...even though I offered an olive branch in the form of an ipad.

 

I realize it was a shock to him. I dont think it would have gone better if I had simply asked him to move out. That would have been a huge fight! He knew I meant business. He robbed me of a beautiful August long weekend. He knew it would kill me for him to go out drinking with his buddies and not come home.

 

I am very sad...but almost pleasantly surprised as to how things turned out

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Ok so its one day later....

 

I came home tonight and he had cleared out his shed of tools. This made me feel very sad. Reality is settling in and I have been crying most of the evening. What do you do with a guy who is steadily increasing insults and poor behavior? I used to be on top of the world with this guy.

 

For example:

 

He picked a fight with me because he wanted to play games on one of my BlackBerries, while I was driving. I wouldn't give him the password for my work BB. I work in a bank and I strictly follow the rule-never give out you password. He got all upset... sneered some remarks under his breath--I tried to ignore him, to not make it worse.

 

It seems at every opportunity he was calling me a name, showing severe impatience. His behavior was becoming worse and worse. He even blamed not having the time to do something special on his birthday because he wasted last weekend on my mother's birthday!

 

I know these things are trivial, but they included name calling and disregard for my feelings. What is a woman in my position to do?

 

Changing the locks was the only thing I could do. Its not the end of the world. We could work out our issues.

 

Some of this likely has to do with the difference in our incomes. I make well over 6 figures ( this is after a few not-so-good income years) and he probably makes about $20k a year-- he used to make about $60. I know there was some jealousy there. He just didn't seem genuinely happy when I closed a big deal. He screwed up two jobs, so has to pay out of his own pocket to correct...so he was nastier than ususal.

 

If he said "honey, I'm having a bad week, please sympathize," I would certainly do so.

 

Im really sad...can anyone suggest a remedy? He hasnt called to collect all of the clothes in the house, his laptop......Im REALLY upset

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So the "lockout" happened the holiday Monday. It is now Wednesday morning. He has not tried to contact me for half of the contents of this house, including laptop, phone charger etc. I have has sleepless nights. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, used to him beside me.

 

The worst is when I come out of my sleep, my head is foggy and I am able to recall something horrible has gone on in my life. For about 10 seconds I cannot recall what it is, then I remember. This is the worst part.

 

Nights are terrible, ESPECIALLY when I wake up at like 3 in the morning and can't get back to sleep.

 

Im still so sad and have burst into tears at work.

 

Any soothing suggestions?

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Id love to give you soothing advice but the only thing I can say is that you need some time.

 

We have all gone through the same nightmare, and it hurts - but, you will get there with time.

 

Im 2 months out of being dumped and when I wake up in the morning, the ex is NOT the first thing I think of. I no longer have sleepless nights and I dont often think of her right before bed. But the dreams suck......but arent as often now.

 

Just ride the waves girl....let all emotions out so that it speeds up the process

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We are now on the third day...I cannot sleep and I am having nightmares. Is there any co-relation between length of time it is taking him to contact me and result of what will happen? Im very sad and have been crying in front of co-workers.

 

Im sinking into a deep depression. can anyone help?

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Can you phone him and ask him when he's going to be gathering his items?

 

You could also go the legal route and send him notice that you must only hold his property for the required 30 days, send it Priority requesting signature and that if he doesn't pick it up within the 30 day period you have the right to do with it as you want.

 

I must say though I am not sure that since you did an illegal lockout if those rules would be the same.

 

Contacting him may be the best way to end the guessing game and worrying. If you're not comfortable contacting him maybe your Dad could do it, or someone else.

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i'd just be polite and detached. like he is a stranger coming to pick up some boxes. can you invite a friend over? it might help lessen any tension. do you think he'll want to talk about the relationship? though from his reactions, it seems he has adjusted quickly.

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Well this is what happened...He said he spent 3 whole days working on the drawers and things for a closet he was building for me. He made it all look like it was my fault...that I swirled some idea in my head that he was cheating or some other nasty thing.

 

He said he decided not to call me because he was treating the night like a white canvas, and was anticipating as to how I would respond. He was basically boiling over when this happened. He was very good at twisting things around. Making me feel guilty for his crappy birthday-that he should have been with his family. He decided to stay home. I was willing to drive him to his parents a few hours out of town.

 

He cant drive himself because his pick up truck takes up too much gas.

 

He kept saying his this is it, but at the end said maybe we can be together, but not live together. This is ok with me. At this point I am taking a break and going away with my family for the weekend

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I'm sorry, I'm sure you've had a class or two in law school but that does not make you a property lawyer. He is not a tenant in the legal sense of the word. He has no legal interest in her property. He never signed a lease. He lived with her and she has an agreement, sort of. If your grasp of the law was on point people could get screwed all over the place by going to stay with friends or family for a weekend and refusing to stay. I live in the most tenant friendly city in the US (And US lnadlord/tenant law is not federal law) where evictions take forever and throwing out a boyfriend who is staying with you is not an legally protected eviction.

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Interesting comments above, thankfully he just wants his stuff back, and I am happy to house his things until he has tim to collect everything. He left most of his clothes.

He sort of mumbled under his breath that we could be together, but not live together.

 

Maybe he left most of his stuff because he doesn't want to leave.....was able to get out to the lake area with my parents for the weekend, I'm jogging and will do some yoga.

 

**** message to all: instead of meing mean, I'm going to work on my a*ss this weekend- get my butt into shape!

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I'm sorry, I'm sure you've had a class or two in law school but that does not make you a property lawyer. He is not a tenant in the legal sense of the word. He has no legal interest in her property. He never signed a lease. He lived with her and she has an agreement, sort of. If your grasp of the law was on point people could get screwed all over the place by going to stay with friends or family for a weekend and refusing to stay. I live in the most tenant friendly city in the US (And US lnadlord/tenant law is not federal law) where evictions take forever and throwing out a boyfriend who is staying with you is not an legally protected eviction.

 

For one this is not US landlord/tenant law. Our poster is in Canada.

 

Second I never claimed to be a lawyer.

 

Someone staying with someone for a weekend or a short visit isn't the same as doing "Renovations for RENT" & "giving money here and there for utilities and food".

 

A signed lease, while preferred, isn't always necessary. An oral agreement takes on a Month to Month tenancy.

 

This is all moot as the situation is over and it seems the OP is in the clear.

 

My advice was simply to steer the OP in a clear direction. She was in a horrible relationship where she was fearful of the reaction. I didn't want her to get more screwed over than she already had been.

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Thank you OneEskimO,

You seem like an intuitive guy, and you just wanted to make sure I didn't suffer more than necessary. I really appreciate

the advice. You never know! I'm a reasonable person I would never hold peoples possessions hostage.

 

Anyway, he texted me today to ask when he could finigh the closet. He still has most of his thigs at my house.

He is keeping his word to finish what he started at least.....no mention of gathering the rest of his things.

 

I said I was not available today, but maybe tomorrow. We will see what happens.

 

Thank you for your insight!

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Hello all,

 

Thank you so much for your support over the last 6 days. It has really helped me get through a very tough time.

 

He is coming over today to finish the work on the house. He texted me earlier this weekend. We have been very polite, "sorry, you can't come today(Saturday)," and he said said sure, I can come today.

 

There was no mention of him picking up the other half of his things, he just wanted to get everything done. I feel relaxed, but not sure how to act....I am a bit nervous actually.

 

I guess in the end of the day I changed the locks to get him to wake up and understand you cant not show up at home when you live with someone. I don't want to break up at this point. Maybe not live together? Or even go for therapy to work through our issues.

 

Any tips on how to approach this while he is here?

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The both of you are going to have to sit down and discuss what you want and what you don't want and work on all of that from there.

 

My suggestion would be not to live together for the time being and probably until a lot more progress has been made in the relationship. A lot of people do the act of kicking someone out for one reason or another but then allow them to move back in because they feel or believe things have changed when the storm is only going to pass through again.

 

Suggesting counseling together is a good idea. Suggesting counseling separately for the both of you may be a good idea as well. Maybe further looking into classes or group meetings that specialize in learning proper ways to communicate in a relationship as well.

 

Go back through your thread here and reread what you wrote and what had you upset and then communicate that with him. If it seems like you're talking to a brick wall or if it seems maybe it is actually sinking into him then proceed with things based on that in the way that you both want.

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It has been a hard week and a half. Thank you all for your replies. Any further comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

He came by on Tuesday night to work on the unfinished renos. We were polite to each other. He wouldnt look me in the eye for the first hour. I said I missed him and he said he said " well I miss you too." He worked hard from 7 pm to almost 11pm after working all day at his regular job. He wanted to know where I was over the weekend--which made me feel he was still interested. I bought him dinner in appreciation for working on my place.

 

I mentioned delicately that we need to talk about our situation, he said to give him an hour, then at the end of he night he said, after I mentioned the topic again, we would talk the next time he came over to work on the renos. I said ok, since it was late.

 

As I am going to work the next day, I almost get into a head on collision with him. He showed up at my work (a bank branch). One of the women said he went to the counter to make some deposits. I find this odd since there are about 10 banks between him and I and he could have easily gone to the instant bank...he didnt have to wait in line at my branch!

 

Any interpretations? Have not heard from him today. I am trying to just reply to him, nicely, but not initiate contact.

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