Changing the locks today, on his birthday

[sadchick83]

Hello,

I am so sad. Today is my live-in boyfriend's 27th birthday. We have been arguing all week. He started a new business and it is not gong so well. It is noticeable because his mood sours depending how bad work is going.

 

All week I have been on him to clean more. Her is the type of guy who forgets to lock doors, close the cereal box, leaves his hairs all over the tub...etc. We went to go look at an ipad earlier in the week...I was about to buy it for his birthday, but they were sold out. We had driven to the Apple store. When we returned home he was too tired to even shut his door. So I half yelled at him to shut the door. Now I have to run around the car just to lock the doors. He yelled out loud "what are you a retard?" This was in front of the neighbours.

 

Anyway, I let it go...I picked up an ipad on Friday and brought it home. From 9pm to 11pm he cleaned the house, but was * * * * * y about it. At the end of the night I asked him if he wanted to open it (we have been very excited about this product) he said no. I said he wasn't being very nice. He said "so take it back."

 

On Saturday night he came home around 10 pm and left in the morning.

He did not come home at all yesterday. Today is his birthday, a holiday in Canada.

 

Keep in mind this is my house. He does renos to pay for rent. I am devastated he did not come home last night.....i have a locksmith coming at 1:00pm

 

thoughts???

[annie24]

hi - i think you both need to calm down. cancel that locksmith ASAP. that's going to make a bad situation worse. i think you guys need to calm down, he probably slept at a buddy's place.

 

to be honest with you, i have rarely seen a couple where the housework is 50/50. some big things i understand (not locking doors, that can be dangerous), but c'mon - the cereal box? let it go. it's better to be in peace with your bf than to nag him over things that don't matter. if you are truly frustrated, hire a maid and that will help out the relationship.

 

again, do not lock him out. he does have a right to be there, that is his home too. i think you guys should maybe consider going to couples' counseling. don't do anything drastic now.

[lostnscared]

I honestly think your over-reacting. It's only been a day since the fight, he probably is laying low. If you get your locks change don't be surprised if you guys break up for good. You should just wait it out and then talk with him first before jumping to conclusions and changing your locks. Yes he treated you badly, and his behavior is unacceptable, but changing your locks is simply going to intensify this situation into something quite ugly. I understand your anger and frustration and I think once he comes back you should have talk with him about his behavior. But I think that at this point, changing the locks, is unwarranted and a terrible idea.

[savignon]

Locking him out is extreme. Like waaay extreme. How about a discussion..a conversation...a heart-to-heart? My husband leaves his cereal box open all the time and it drives me MAD, but then it's his stale cereal and I'm not going to change the locks on the house about it. Niether of us whistle with excitement while we clean the house. I suggest talking to him about your concerns, picking your battles carefully and not doing anything you'll regret (like locking him out permantly on his birthday when most everything he owns is there and he considers it his home)

I mean let's really play this out...he comes "home", his key doesn't work so he knocks on the door and then what? Is he supposed to assume that you're broken up as of that moment? Would you just open the door and let him in after going through the trouble of PAYING money for new locks and keys? It just doesn't make any sense. I mean if your end goal is for him to move out, it still doesn't make sense b/c he needs to get his stuff and now he doesn't have access to even get to it. It's just a really bad idea and a cowardly way to end a relationship if that's your intention. If you want to work things out, it's an even WORSE idea. Try communication!!

[sadchick83]

He lives here for free. He hasn't paid for food or rent /utilities since April. So its easy for him to come and go when he pleases, but I have to stick around. I have been sitting in the house all weekend waiting to do something for his birthday. He did the same thing last year- ditched me on his birthday. He was yelling at me in the bathroom earlier this week and swung at me. He didnt really hit me but flailed his arm at me.

 

Im sure he was out partying last night (same as last year). Should I mention the "itch down there" I go about a week ago. Actions speak louder than words. I've told him time and time again to help pay a bit of rent ($200 plus food/month). He leave the doors unlocked all the time, trips the alarm once a week, almost ran over the dog...etc

 

He has been in a bad mood for the last few months and attack me at every opportunity.

 

Im so confused!

[snoopydog]

His behaviour doesn't warrant the locks being changed, you're over-reacting. When he comes back, tell him you've had enough of the moodiness and if things don't change the relationship is over and he will have to move out.

[summerpeach]

He sounds immature, resentful and mean.

 

Changing the locks is extreme, but a great way to get rid of him.

 

Would you be changing them to get his attention or because you really want him gone?

 

Freeloaders are a total turn off, but we teach others how to treat us

[sadchick83]

he never listens to my words...Ive told him over and over yelling at me is a deal breaker. Calling me "retarded" after I just went to buy him a lovely gift just make me so sad. Ive told him many times...ive been so upset all weekend. My head is spinning from taking sleeping pills. I would give him "no contact," but he lives in my house

[savignon]

Changing the locks is passive-aggressive. If things are that bad, have a real, actual break up with him. What does changing the locks do? After you've had it out, will you give him a new key? Let him in when he knocks so you can talk about it? Are you going to explain anything to him or just change the locks and leave all of his stuff outside?

I get your frustration and understand your unahappiness....changing the locks won't change ANY of that. It will just lock him out until you let him in to talk about it or fight about it or for him to get his things...

It doesn't fix anything.

Leaving his stuff in a box outside will send the same message and not involve any money or new keys (although that would still be immature and passive-aggressive...it will at least save you a few bucks)

[OneEskimO]

If you change the locks you are setting yourself up for some legal issues.

 

In order to end his tenancy you need to go through the proper eviction procedures, up and changing the locks is not how you do it.

 

You can evict him for unpaid rent or for unreasonable conduct. But notice must be given. Failure to give notice may have you ending up paying him money in the end.

 

As for the relationship if you want out of it it would be wise to follow what everyone else has said.

[sadchick83]

Summerpeach: Thank you. Its hard to break up with someone after a year and a half. His birthday has nothing to do with it...he could have picked the week before Christmas.. it would have been the same result. Does anyone out there think its ok to call your girlfriend a "retard" loud enough for the neighbours to hear after purchasing him a $750 gift??

Im not sure I can sit in my house for another weekend of my life, while he decides to come home, or not.

 

He is not the sweet nice guy I met last may

[lostnscared]

Why is he living with you for FREE? Ultimately it is YOUR home. If you did not establish that he needed to help with rent and utilities then of course he is going to stay there and mooch. If you are bothered--which it appears you are--by his lack of financial contribution then TELL HIM so and the both of you should figure out some type of plan where he contributes a *fixed* amount each month. That could be him being responsible for Groceries, Utilities, and renovations and you strictly paying the mortgage. But obviously I can see how this would make you resentful--no one wants someone living with them and having a "free" ride. It's up to you to tell him that you are not okay with the arrangement.

In terms of him swinging at you, and treating you badly the last few months--have you had a talk with him about his behavior. People don't just start treating someone badly--if that wasn't an issue before-without a root cause. For some reason or the other the last few months he's been angry with either himself, you, his life circumstances, etc and that has effected his attitude toward you. You BOTH need to talk to find out what is going on, and you need to let him know that you refuse to put up with his behavior and treatment.

In terms of his birthday, well I think you need to tell him how hurtful it is that the last year and THIS year he's bailed out when all you've wanted was to make his birthday special.

Finally if you are scared, confused, and angry with him and frustrated with the relationship then perhaps it's time to tell him so and see what he wants to do about it. If you are ready to call the quits then tell him so, and WITHOUT being passive aggressive.

[sadchick83]

He was paying me for half of the groceries and about $200/month for utilities. My father owns the house and doesn't charge me for rent. The bf was to do renovations. He made a walk in closet for me for about $2000, so that would carry him for about 4 months of his living expenses. I was trying to help him out while her started his business. I make good money, so it wasnt an issue....Im a 'giver' I guess. I pay for all of our entertainment : golf, movies, gas etc. When I have tried to mention anything (delicately) about him being cranky he just says "I am working 12 hours a day to start a business." Meanwhile, I work hard too and do all the cooking and most of the cleaning.

 

Anyway, the locks have been changed....I just want control of my house back

[OneEskimO]

All I can say is that I hope your bf(ex) doesn't wise up and realize he was illegally evicted. The fact that it's actually your father's home means any legal proceedings would go onto him.

[3boys]

You'd better make sure there are no legal ramifications of changing the locks. Despite the fact that he hasn't paid rent, he is legally a tenant (at least here in the US) and you could be in trouble for locking him out without going through a formal eviction procedure.

 

Other than that, I hope you stick to your convictions and don't let him back in (except to get his belongings)....oh, and enjoy the iPad (if I were you, I'd keep it for myself )

[sadchick83]

Thanks for your 2nd reponse OneEkimO....I live in Canada, so rules may be different. Apparently the best thing to do is change the locks. If he did any damage, or stole anything--because he had a key, it would be considered a dispute and the police would not become involved. If he does anything now, it is considered a break-in and illegal. I have no intention of keeping his things. If I were a real bi*tch, I would lock the garage where he stores all his tools for work. He is in possession of an expensive, professional camera that he borrowed from my brother. So I really just want to get the camera back for my bro.

 

Its funny how people are worried about him. He is living rent free with parking in down town Toronto...takinig his girlfriend for granted. He can go live with his mom in his aunt's basement in the not so nice part of town. Maybe then he will have his wake up call.

 

I, on the other hand, am stuck with an unfinished wall (looks as ugly as hell) that I will now have to pay someone to finish.

[annie24]

well, just know that your actions mean that the relationship is over. you should tell him that, and maybe just put all his stuff in a box and put it outside or something. i don't think that there is a chance of reconciliation now. if that's what you wanted.

 

i dunno - i wouldn't like a free-loader either, but i think changing the locks on his bday is pretty drastic. you could have at least told him and given him 1 months' notice to find a new place.

[sadchick83]

Hi 3boys, Im not in the mood to scrapbook my life on a ipad at the moment, so she is going back to the store, box unopened. He still keeps his official address for driver's licence, mail etc., at his aunts address, so really I could say he was living at my place for free.

 

Anyway, the locks were changed a few hours ago. He is likely out drinking with his buddies. He absolutely promised he would finish my closet this weekend-- he started it at the beginning of May...living like an episode of Hoarders since then...we will see. I will forsure post back

[sadchick83]

Hi Annie,

I appreciate your second response...Actually, all of the responses have helped me tremendously. For all he knows, I could have changed the locks yesterday, since he hasnt been home. Its different when you and a guy buy a house together...split bills, and it is jointly your place. When a guy moves in, the woman becomes powerless. He always knows where I am, but I never know where he is. I think not allowing him to have access to my home is similar to purposly ignoring phone calls/texts.

 

I consider myself a very good girlfriend (who has just had enough). I would NEVER flirt with a guy in or out of his presence. I dress conservatively, and generally dont go to bars. I have respect for the relationship. Even if a guy tries to pick me up, I always say I live with my boyfriend.

 

A couple of times we have made plans to stay home and watch a movie, and at the last minute he goes out with the boys. He loves that I am FORSURE at home, and he is at the bar. He get worried when we are both out. Ive had guys pick me up in his presence more than once.

 

I still think calling someone a "retard" outloud, so others can hear, is worse.

At this point, if he goes,he goes. I would take him back if he changes his attitude.

[annie24]

well, you know, if he's going to be a freeloader and go out all night with the boys when you are at home, and he's not paying for rent, etc.... why would you even want him back? he's been taking advantage of you.

 

i agree with a poster on this site, shes2smart, when she said living together without marriage has all of the downsides of marriage without any of the commitment.

[sadchick83]

He is one of those guys who takes...I'm a giver. He is well aware how much this would upset me. I actually brought it up just a few weeks ago for the first time...how much him celebrating his (last) birthday without me was very upsetting to me.

 

My sister agrees...the worst thing that will happen is taht I will exit the relationship with my pride

[OneEskimO]

Please do not confuse my advisement for being worried about him. My info was coming from Canada Law.

 

The eviction process from what I've noticed is quite similar to that of US law but for Canada law a Landlord (Which would actually be your father) cannot commit a lockout on a tenant. All he has to do is call the police and they will try to get you to allow him to come back in. If you refuse and he has to go to a hotel or pay to stay with a friend he can come back and Sue your dad (The landlord/Homeowner) for the costs that he acquired for doing so.

 

Even if he goes to live with his Mom he can make up an amount and they can make up a bogus contract that sadly will hold up in court. Even if he was living with you without a lease a Month-to-Month tenancy is acted upon in such a situation.

 

 

On the relationship level I agree he is a jerk and shouldn't treat you the way he has been. I am glad to see the relationship is over and you won't stand for it. I just hate to see people take actions into their own hands and further get burned. If your ex wises up or gets word from a family member, or a friend on what to do about it he could end up costing you (or your Dad) even more money because you choose to go a self-help route instead of the legal route.

 

There is still time to fix this, you could give him a key to the new locks and as you hand him the key give him a 10 Notice of Eviction to leave.

[sadchick83]

Hi OneEskimO,

 

I do appreciate your thorough answer...thank you for providing the law,and, what you do say makes sense. Unfortunately, this guy has a history of leaving the doors unlocked, or windows wide open, he tripped the alarm just last week...So, I would be happy to provide him with a supervised visit, but there is no way he can go in alone.

 

So many times I have woken up to the front left wide open in a neighbourhood that is nice, but nasty at night. He might even be deliberately leave a door open. What do I do if I get robbed??

 

I am willing to accommodate a timing, or two to get his things.

[diamond78]

Your guy (hope to be Ex) is a jerk and truth be told I would have changed the locks when he took a swing..It wouldn't have mattered to me if he had actually hit me or not.

 

He seems like an immature child and expects someone to clean up the mess he leaves behind. Hopefully you are done with this relationship.

 

Collect all of his belongings and ensure that he receives ALL of it and take pictures of everything you return.

[sadchick83]

Well thank you very much everyone. You have all been so helpful. If he had come home last night, even late. I would not have changed the locks. I just took my dog for a walk, and had to be on the lookout in case he pulled into my parking back alley. I'm still on edge. I will give the post any update as soon as there is some activity.

Thanks again!