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When someone behaves in such a manner nothing is out of the question.

Have you signed the divorce papers?

 

I really think you need to speak to an immigration and divorce lawyer. He is callous. And the fact that he got vicious speaks volumes of the person he truly is!

 

Heck going out on a limb here but this the real him. People's personalities don't just change in a matter of weeks or even months!

 

Seriously if I were in your shoes I'd take him for everything that he has and more. I really would. I know it's easier said than done, but damn his attitude SUCKS!

 

 

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I'll keep that in mind F.

 

Gone Girl was soooo good!!! It was completely twisted. In the beginning when they were talking about the perfect marriage that went south I was sat there like 'really? I came to this movie to escape seeing that dangit!' but by the end I was like 'well, at least I'm not physco like this girl!' It was a long movie too - almost 3 hours!

 

While helping my aunt decorate for the baby shower she is hosting tomorrow a mutual friend L and I had on facebook messaged me asking what I thought about his recent post. Obviously he and I aren't friends on there anymore so she had to tell me he apparently went out for a birthday dinner for him. It just kind of adds to the fact that there is obviously someone new in the picture.

 

I saw that post, but he didn't mention who he had gone with. I went back to double check just now, and it looks like he's unfriended me since then.

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I'll keep that in mind F.

 

Gone Girl was soooo good!!! It was completely twisted. In the beginning when they were talking about the perfect marriage that went south I was sat there like 'really? I came to this movie to escape seeing that dangit!' but by the end I was like 'well, at least I'm not physco like this girl!' It was a long movie too - almost 3 hours!

 

While helping my aunt decorate for the baby shower she is hosting tomorrow a mutual friend L and I had on facebook messaged me asking what I thought about his recent post. Obviously he and I aren't friends on there anymore so she had to tell me he apparently went out for a birthday dinner for him. It just kind of adds to the fact that there is obviously someone new in the picture.

 

I'm sorry if this is confusing (to me or anyone else) but can't it be that he went out for a bday dinner with platonic friends? (I take it that this was for someone else's bday). I am sorry you had to get this information no matter what it means -I want you to have peace about this ASAP. I hope you do hire an attorney for all the reasons other people wrote and just to have even more solid closure in the future.

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So he's un friending mutual friends now after you've posted this, so that confirms he's reading your journal.

 

Hi Luke! You fat and cowardly jerk.

 

Don't sign anything. Hold out. You got him in this country and if he's used you for that and moved on that fast to someone else, he deserves what's coming to him. Affairs while married with a green card can't look too good to immigration.

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So he's un friending mutual friends now after you've posted this, so that confirms he's reading your journal.

 

Hi Luke! You fat and cowardly jerk.

 

Don't sign anything. Hold out. You got him in this country and if he's used you for that and moved on that fast to someone else, he deserves what's coming to him. Affairs while married with a green card can't look too good to immigration.

 

Hahaha I love you M.

 

Call immigration on Monday B.

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I mean, seriously, he's expecting you to take this lying down. And quite honestly I sort of did too, just based on our conversations and your posts. I think that's why he's pushing for divorce so fast--bc he wants you to act before you catch wind of his true motivations for divorce. So if he does have a new girlfriend, let him panic a little bc you're waiting to sign. I mean really, what's the rush of the divorce? He's being sketchy and it kills me that he thinks he won't be easily found out. A dinner out for his bday when he doesn't have a way to get to a place and nothing near the apartment is exactly in walking distance and cabs probably aren't very cost effective--yea, he's sketchy. Let him panic a little.

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I'm sorry if this is confusing (to me or anyone else) but can't it be that he went out for a bday dinner with platonic friends? (I take it that this was for someone else's bday). I am sorry you had to get this information no matter what it means -I want you to have peace about this ASAP. I hope you do hire an attorney for all the reasons other people wrote and just to have even more solid closure in the future.

 

He doesn't have friends. From what the FB friend told me - as I obviously can't see it - no one was checked in with him. But no, this was for his birthday, he turns 30 tomorrow.

 

M, I expect he does expect me to take it lying down. He knows how huge of a people pleaser I am, how I don't confront people. And that's what he is expecting me to be in this.

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You need to speak to a laywer, imho, a mean one too. I would say this no matter what, because you shouldn't sign legal documents without it. Tell the lawyer everything you've told us. And yes, he's turned your life upside down, i think he should have to pay for that too.

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He doesn't have friends. From what the FB friend told me - as I obviously can't see it - no one was checked in with him. But no, this was for his birthday, he turns 30 tomorrow.

 

M, I expect he does expect me to take it lying down. He knows how huge of a people pleaser I am, how I don't confront people. And that's what he is expecting me to be in this.

 

Well now you know that he does have people he socializes with whether they are friends or acquaintances. I agree with Annie about the lawyer and everything else she wrote!!

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Honestly I'd speak with INS, and look for ways to have him deported. Dude hasn't been in the country even two years and all of a sudden stops loving his wife? Stinks of smelly fish. How convenient all of a sudden doesn't love you, doesn't want children, and all this in perfect time to meet someone else, rush the divorce oh and heck maybe even marry someone else before that 10 year green card. NOTHING IS OFF the table. This is the real him. Maybe he's just a really good actor and found a way to come to the US. Some people are that horrible. You can't be sure he isn't one of those people.

 

Don't be a pushover, stand up for yourself. He doesn't care. He won't protect you. He is callous. He doesn't love you. You aren't WORTH it to him after you spent such a long time apart, after you sacrificed so much, your family helping sponsor him, seriously it is time to get crazy angry. Make him pay and go back to whatever hellhole he came from. You went from a cleaning job to admin, and now not only did you lose your home, but you lost your job, insurance...and he's just living in the place you helped secure, working at the job you made happen....GET PISSED OFF.

 

This is a fight. A dirty fight. Don't let him throw you down in the mud, fight and throw him down - make him eat dirt on the way to the airport. TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK. Fight to have him kicked out. Seriously. Don't be a good girl now. Think of him as your worst enemy because right now that is exactly what he is!

 

Man, I wish I was there LOL. I'd help you.

Edited by petite
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I just witnessed a similar situation with a green card and this is how it was handled:

 

A foreigner got married to one of my American friends. Cheated on her within the first year. She simply annulled the wedding and he was deported 1 week later.

 

It really is a very easy situation to resolve OG. It's one call to INS.

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I'd like to offer something to think about.

 

I've been the "dumper" in past relationships. It was always painful even if I had lots of time to prepare. One thing I never did was stick around to watch the pain. I can't do it. I would always say that I was leaving, answer questions, and such like that, but it was painful for me to see them in pain because even you leave someone, you still care about them and their feelings.

 

You have poured your heart out onto this journal and it's so clear to see that you're in so much pain. You're asking questions and hurting so much. Recent things happening make it clear that he is indeed reading this. This is mind boggling to me. Does he not feel any remorse or guilt? How can he come back to your journal here and read about your pain and how you're uprooting your life? It's sick and it takes a special sort of sick to watch that, in my opinion.

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if he found someone else. What he did to you was despicable. He is a very, very small man. And no amount of money or penis size can change that. He is and always will be a small man if he continues to think that this is okay.

 

Did his dad do something similar? I'm very disgusted with L for doing this to you especially if his dad did this to his mom or something. How can he see the pain from that and then turn around and do the same?

 

 

You said he got vicious with you? He has no right. When he got vicious with you, this is what he was essentially saying: "how dare you contest a divorce. This is what I want. I want what I want now. How dare you get in the way." What a child. He may be turning 30 but he's acting like he's 3. Note to L: pssst you may have forgotten this from grade school, but this isn't your world, the world doesn't revolve around your bald head, and you can't throw temper tantrums and growl when you don't get what you want. I understand this may be a bit of a shock to you, since you seem to be rather stunted in many ways, but please go sit in the corner with your juice box and have a think over, okay?

 

His treating you poorly reflects that he does think and expect you to roll over and take it. You are worth so much more. You are so much more than what you are in his eyes. I hope you know and feel that deep down, even on your darkest days.

 

My feeling is that the whole marriage was not a sham. I do think he loved you, I really do. I hope maybe you can take some solace in that. I think in the end though, he is a mean man and a very small one. He may have loved you but love from a small and mean man is not a love that lasts because small men lack the character and integrity to follow through.

 

I'm glad you're having someone look over the papers. That's excellent. When you are ready, I hope you make a call to immigration too. I doubt you will have to do much on your part, but telling someone will no doubt spark a review on him and they need to know that you two are kaput.

 

 

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Me too, I agree with everything Petite and Fudgie said. I hope you are able to find some peace soon and that you fight him with everything you've got, especially on the immigration stuff. You've sacrificed so much for him, and for him to pull this crap on you, really stinks.

 

good luck!!

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And for him to be vicious with you means he's a bully. And he's doing it because he knows and expects you to backed down. Stuff it right back up his backside. You have more power than you realize. And it's time to use it.

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Hi OG,

 

It is a long time since I have posted on ENA, but, as I said when I sent you a pm sympathizing with you over this, a friend told me what had happened and I came to read your journal myself.

 

I think you need someone to bring a different view.

 

It is totally understandable that you feel angry, but remember that anger is a secondary emotion, driven by one or more primary emotions, usually fear, often hurt, often bewilderment, and I think all three apply in this sort of scenario. Anger may help you in the immediate short term but it won’t any longer than that. Stoking that anger, as many people see to be doing is, in my opinion, harmful to you.

 

I have no brief for L, to be perfectly honest, I didn't much like him when he was a member here. But some of the things being said about him are simply vindictive and are not backed up by the facts in the past.

 

The notion that he plotted to marry you in order to get a visa and green card is very unlikely. The history of what happened when you met on here belies that. As I remember it, once you had decided to get married, the original plan was for you to move to the UK, because your job was not very well paid and he had a steady job as a civil servant. I think that stayed the plan for some months and it was only when you realised it would be quicker and easier for him to move to the US that plans changed. To suggest that all of this was some deep-laid plot on his part to find a US citizen on a website, pretend to want to marry her, invite her to live with him in the UK, then persuade her to sponsor him to the US would not hold up as the plot of a bad novel or movie. It simply doesn’t hold water.

 

The next thing to look at is the charge that he was cheating. You yourself have shown how unlikely that would be given that you spent all of your time together, at work and at home. May he have had his eye on someone? – possibly but that is not the same as cheating.

 

Now you need to look at why he wants a divorce, and this is the most important thing because it is the thing can affect your self-esteem, your belief in yourself as a lovable person, and that is very understandable. But it should not, and this is why:

Marriages end for many reasons, and a very high proportion of them do. Some of those reasons should have been capable of resolution had the couple or one individual tried to do so: those might include irritants such as personal habits or tastes, or conflicts that could have been resolved with goodwill or counselling. Marriages have even survived cheating or abuse.

 

The reason these things should have been fixable is because they were the results of behaviours and behaviours can be changed. People can stop cheating, or spending too much money, or burping in public, or treating their spouses badly, in private or in public, or whatever the behaviour was that became intolerable to the spouse wanting a divorce.

 

But one thing you can’t fix is falling in or out of love. You either are or you are not. It is quite possible, maybe even probable, that had you and L met and courted in person, as most people usually do, that he would have realised that he did not love you past the first blaze of attraction that is needed to make a marriage last. Because you did not have that opportunity, there was always a risk that this would happen, in fact it could have happened to you. Had it happened to you, and you had posted on here, I would guess that few people, in fact none of your friends on here, would have blamed you in the same way that they are blaming him. Friends are there to support you, but that is not always helpful.

 

Long-term relationships, particularly marriage, are analogous to camp-fires. When you first light the kindling everything blazes up and the flames are bright and high. But if fuel is not added, it dies quickly, leaving ashes that cool in minutes. But if good fuel is added, the flames die down, the fire becomes sustained not only by the logs added but by the embers and hot ashes that underpin it. Even if the flames die out those embers will often flame up again after a considerable time.

 

The same with a relationship – if one of the partners cannot bring that fuel, the long-term love and regard for their partner that is needed after the first attraction, the emotions are not sustained, they die and usually cannot be rekindled. My wife and I have been married for very nearly forty years, we have managed to build on those first emotions and make it last, but it could have been very different. You know this, I am sure, and will have read about the chemical reactions in the brain involved in the start and continuation or ending of relationships.

 

This is not something that talking will change. You can’t negotiate emotions as you can behaviours. Despite the marriage vows, love is not a matter of will, you cannot decide to be in love or not be in love.

 

Had L come to you and said “I no longer love you” would you, either of you, have been able to save the marriage? I think not, the very fact of saying it would have fatally undermined it, and the fact that there would have been nothing either of you could have said or done to change his mind would have simply prolonged the agony. As I said earlier, it was not, from what you have posted, a behaviour or behaviours that made him end the marriage – it was lack of the requisite emotion and neither of you could make that reappear.

Could he have done this more sensitively? Perhaps, but the result would have been the same. You could not have persuaded him to change his mind in any meaningful way, you may have been able to persuade him to stay but it would not have been a marriage in the true meaning, but I somehow doubt he would have. You can ask him why he fell out of love – but he won’t be able to give you a satisfactory answer, no one ever can in cases like this.

 

I said that anger, while understandable, will not help you, and I hold by that. All it will do is intensify and prolong the feeling of loss, of sadness, and bewilderment. Although you cannot help feeling that anger, you do need to get past it as soon as possible and reach acceptance. Because when you reach acceptance you can begin healing. As important, you will then accept on every level that this is not your fault, that there is no need for you to feel a loss of self-esteem in any recess of your heart because he does not love you. You are still a lovable person, you can move on and find someone else who will love you and want to be with you for the long haul.

 

Vindictive behaviour, as some are recommending, such as trying to get him thrown out of the country, or making the divorce as difficult as possible may possibly harm him, although I doubt it. But it will harm you, in future years you would not look back and be proud of such actions, because I don’t believe you are a vindictive or revengeful person. I recommend that you take the high road, that you get good legal advice, take whatever you are entitled to, let the divorce proceed as soon as it may, and then get on with the rest of your life.

It may seem hard to accept, but the truth is that you can be as happy without him as with him, if you accept that he is not necessary for your happiness. Let him live his life and you live yours. The sooner he is out of yours the better for you; prolonging a divorce or trying to get him deported will just make things worse.

 

Hard as it may be for some people to accept, he is not evil, he is not weak, he is not a bad man because of this, even if I don’t like him much (he probably doesn't like me either). He is doing what is best for him, as do most of the people in the large number of marriages and relationships that end (and even some that don’t.) You need to do what is best for you, I suggest what is best for you is to accept it is over, get a divorce, put your life back together as soon as you can, and pursue happiness without him being a factor one way or another.

Edited by kamurj
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