How to get over first love?

[rudegirl]

I'm new to this site but so glad I found it b/c I need help.

 

I was with my bf for about 4 yrs, & it was an on & off, up & down sort of thing. When we first got involved I was 19. Before him I'd always been very closed off to guys & my friends teased me relentlessly for it & made me feel like a weirdo, so with him I decided to go the opposite route & be emotionally open & very giving so that I would be liked.

 

It was a big, big mistake and I think it just set the whole relationship up for failure. I was used to being chased but this time I found myself chasing him, and the more I chased the more he pulled away & the less he gave to the relationship. Early on he never made me feel wanted & it just made me feel really insecure & rejected. He would talk about his exes & put down the way I looked, & would just say whatever he felt, because he knew I was going to put up with it.

 

We broke up several times. During one of the breakups I was determined to live happily ever after. And as soon as I started seeing other people, who came running back? He did and I took him back. During that time our relationship was really good, but I couldn't get over the issues from our past so I ended it again. But after a yr I went back to him, and our relationship was horrible again.

 

So once again I ended it, not b/c I wanted to, but b/c I had to. & he acted like he didn't care so it hurt as much as if I were the one being dumped. We emailed each other about a month later & he said he never wanted us to break up, but once I asked him to acknowledge our relationship on FB he made up a lie about why he couldn't so I knew he was full of it. I had NC for like 5 months but I honestly felt like I had no closure.

 

But then I saw that he was in a new relationship & was plastering his love for the girl all over his FB page & he was never very affectionate with me. He acted like it was so hard for him to be that way, but it was super easy for him to do it for hundreds of people online for this girl. I contacted him just to call him out as a liar, he always told me he liked to keep his relationships private b/c he didn't want everyone in his business. Obviously that was a big joke. And when I contacted him he shut down & wouldn't give me any honest answers, he kept lying & eventually told me he had no regrets and I learned that he'd even talked badly about me to his friends & told them private things about me.

 

It just hurt a lot b/c I felt so stabbed in the back and I felt this huge loss. It's been about 6 mos since then. I was in NC for awhile, but a few weeks ago I did. And I don't know why. I pretended to be over it, so we've just had light-hearted chats about what's going on in our lives or made jokes but we haven't even discussed anything concerning our relationship or his new one. But I'm the one initiating everything so I know I'm doing the wrong thing. That's why I'm here for encouragement to stop.

 

Right now I'm at a point where I see clearly who he is for the very first time. I know he's a liar, a cheater, a manipulator and a selfish person who doesn't give a damn about me.

 

But at the same time I just feel this intense urge for him to want me, because he has often acted like he doesn't so I just want that satisfaction. I know he's no good for me, but I just feel stuck in this feeling. It's awful it's been almost a yr and it wont go away. I really do want to get over him but this feeling remains no matter what. It's driving me crazy which is probably why I contacted him again b/c even though I was doing the right thing with NC I still felt bad. I just want relief please help.

[jimbojones100]

Well I don't know if you ever get over your first love. There is something very special about the connection you have with that person, no matter how much you may want to forget about them.

[nasdaq]

I feel your pain, I'm still pining over my first love as well. They too have done the same thing of plastering their love for their new partner all over the place on facebook and things like that. I feel like he never loved me. It's really hard, but I'm getting better every day.

[biggestdork]

She was my first love... but I wasnt hers.

So sadly, I will be stuck with this pain forever while she knows nothing of it x_x

[abigheart]

I'm trying to figure that out myself. He was my first love, and I was his, too. This wasn't puppy love, this was my first relationship, his first.. and I'm surprised it lasted 2 years (makes it so much harder to get over it).

 

I'm scared years from now I'll still have that heartsinking feeling that it didn't last...

[SayWhen]

I think finding a new relationship that proves to be as good or even better than your first is really the only thing that enables you to "move on." Otherwise, one tends to pine over their love simply because there is such a void. My first love broke up with me over six months ago, and I have had absolutely ZERO contact with him for one month, and very, very limited contact prior to that...haven't seen him in person in all those six months. It has been very difficult, especially since I already suffer from depression which is one of the main reasons he broke up with me (that was revealed about five months after the break-up). I miss him every single day even though our relationship wasn't perfect, I truly loved him. I even have dreams about him, though I don't want to. It's so strange, it's almost as if he has died...and he says he never wants to be in contact again (which my friend says means he still has feelings for me, but who knows. We did live together for two years, so a lot of bonding occurred during that time). I wish I could just "get over him" but I think I need to slowly just allow myself to open up to meeting new people...nothing will ever change the special place he holds in my heart. I tried dating right after the break-up (rebound) and that was pretty horrible. For now I am going a year or so of just being single and rebuilding my independent life...then I'm going to go out and see who I can meet. There is nothing easy about it...and no magic way to "get over it"...but eventually the wounds at least scar over, and we can move on even if we never "get over it." JMHO Good luck!

[laboheme]

I think finding a new relationship that proves to be as good or even better than your first is really the only thing that enables you to "move on."

 

I agree. Your first love is particularly hard to get over because you don't yet have that experience of finding someone else after your heart has been broken. But you will! Look through this forum, read people's stories, see how they have moved on to find happiness. It's tempting to think that your situation is different and that thing just won't turn out for you, but don't let yourself succumb to that mindset. You're still young and have all the time in the world to find that special person. It's going to hurt for a while, yes, but the overall message that you should get from this forum is that you will be fine. There's some great advice on this board!

 

There's also some truth to the statement that you'll never get over your first love. That doesn't mean, however, that the memories of your first love will always be painful and that you'll always be longing for him. Rather, it just means that the memory will be special, as memories of firsts tend to be. I don't know how many tears I shed over my big breakup, but now, a few years later, I can look back at things, laugh, shake my head, and say "Yeah, so that was my first love. My, my, I was a silly goose!"