The closure letter: does it work?

[Civic204]

When you are NC with the ex, would it be a good idea to send a closure letter or not? By closure letter, I mean a letter, email or written, that briefly (or not so briefly) explains where you stand, your acceptance of the situation, and a gentle offer wishing the other person sincere thanks and best wishes for the future.

 

I've been NC for about a couple months now, and I feel like I can move on, but there are just a few things that I wanted to get off my chest.

 

Has anyone here found any instance where such a closure letter actually made the recipient of the letter want to give a second chance?

 

Thanks to all those who respond!

[alamina]

One time I spent a sleepless night writing the perfect letter. It was a gorgeous letter. It was almost a work of art! It was well-organized, clear, to the point, and tastefully sentimental. It was a Pulitzer Prize letter! Or could've been! I even went all the way to his place (I knew he was at work), and placed it in his mailbox. It's a good thing he was working because I looked like a cross between Dracula and the Tasmanian Devil.

 

I fully expected some kind of response. Thanks for being mature, Alamina. You've helped me realize things. Or better yet Your words touched my soul, I still love youuuuuuu!!

 

Nothing. Days. Weeks. Nothing.

 

Finally when we did talk again (about something completely irrelevant, I think he wanted to tell me about a doctor's appointment), I asked if had gotten the letter and he completely avoided the subject! I don't know if he even took the time to read it!

 

Write that letter. Write it for yourself. Then burn the hell out of it. You will get closure that way too.

 

If you want to show someone that you've accepted a situation, actions speak louder than words. NC = acceptance.

[catfeeder]

Write your heart out, but do NOT send it even if you believe your life depends on it. You will thank yourself later. It's a thousand times easier to get the closure we're all responsible for giving to ourselves if you do NOT send what will seem to you like a perfectly poised and reasonable letter. You'll read it again in two weeks or a month and you will be relieved beyond belief that you owned the self-control to hold onto it.

 

BTW--You may want to research the boards for people who did the opposite. The letter did nothing but expose them, and they can never take it back. This transparency makes the grief a thousand times worse.

[Search4the1]

I agree with alamina..write it 4 yourself, keep it in a personal place, but they're your X for a reason...moreover, nothing good will come of getting things off your chest! Been there my friend!

[AmandaB]

I wrote one and I got one back from him which was a nice letter but I guess I kinda of sent it for the wrong reasons. He didnt say what I wished he had said.

[Civic204]

Aw crap...

[Teaday]

I've learned that the only place you can really gain closure is from yourself. Anytime I've ever tried to reach out to an ex in an attempt for closure, I was lying to myself that I had no expectation of gaining anything from it from him. I would receive no response or the "wrong" response, and was always far worse off than I was before.

 

My thoughts are that closure comes from within.

[QWit]

I was one the ones that sent a closure letter.. Do yourself a favor and DON'T SEND IT!! More than likely, your ex is not going to tell you what you want to hear if they respond to it all.. Just write it and burn it..Closure comes from within.. If you are sending hoping for reconciliation, you probably will be hugely disappointed..

[amani33]

the first time we broke up, i wrote a letter. it worked immediately. he replied, we patched up fast.

 

second time we broke up, i wrote again. slower response, worked again, patched up.

 

third time, i wrote a short one ( i was getting bored writting, lol ). no response. we patched up a week later , but not because of the letter. it was because of NC.

 

forth time, i figured he would not respond, so i didn't bother or feel like writting. patched up some time later because i did NC.

 

fifth , sixth.... i would not choose to write. lol

[amani33]

I was one the ones that sent a closure letter.. Do yourself a favor and DON'T SEND IT!! More than likely, your ex is not going to tell you what you want to hear if they respond to it all.. Just write it and burn it..Closure comes from within.. If you are sending hoping for reconciliation, you probably will be hugely disappointed..

 

i totally agree. women tend to be the one writing. i always hope he would write me one, but he never did. maybe it is not a man's thing.

 

i think if the man is the dumper, he will be feeling hard and cold after the breakup, so such a letter would back fire. i think....

[Ms Darcy]

When you are NC with the ex, would it be a good idea to send a closure letter or not? By closure letter, I mean a letter, email or written, that briefly (or not so briefly) explains where you stand, your acceptance of the situation, and a gentle offer wishing the other person sincere thanks and best wishes for the future.

 

I've been NC for about a couple months now, and I feel like I can move on, but there are just a few things that I wanted to get off my chest!

 

If you were the dumper, it may or may not be a good idea depending upon the break up. If you were the dumpee, write it for yourself and keep it to yourself.

 

What do you want to get off of your chest?

[Civic204]

At this point of the game, I am almost indifferent to whether or not reconciliation occurs. What I want with the closure letter is to express my fondest best wishes to the ex, sincerely offering her my apologies and best wishes for a bright future for her. Short, sweet, and to the point.

 

I am not interested in blaming, or leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

So in this case, would it be more okay to send the letter?

[Ms Darcy]

At this point of the game, I am almost indifferent to whether or not reconciliation occurs. What I want with the closure letter is to express my fondest best wishes to the ex, sincerely offering her my apologies and best wishes for a bright future for her. Short, sweet, and to the point.

 

I am not interested in blaming, or leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

So in this case, would it be more okay to send the letter?

 

Again, are you the dumper or dumpee? I know it's good to you ... but it is good to consider the other person's feelings.

 

(Btw, I got a letter once that I pitched and never read).

[Civic204]

I was the dumpee.

[Carry On]

I wrote a letter to my ex. We're supposedly in a break, so I guess it was a little different--it was less of a "I'm moving on" letter than a "I'm doing better and want to work things out" letter. In any case, she didn't respond, and while that hurt, I think it did give me more closure. If she didn't even have the decency to send a reply to indicate she had received it, then the chances of her actually coming to reconcile with me were slim to none. So, it helped me to treat the "break" more like a "break up" and stop waiting around for her.

 

Ultimately, I think I still would be better off had I not sent the letter at all. I believe that if you're sending a letter with any hope of reconciliation, it's not really a closure letter. It's only really a closure letter if you already have, well, closure... And closure only comes from yourself. It's kind of a Catch-22

 

Best wishes.

[jenna-is-here]

I wrote one once. A few days later I got one back and it was a clear goodbye closure letter to my closure letter than I was hoping would not be taken as a closure letter