A slightly different angle may help you....

[Romy_my_name]

I am quite tired, so apologies if I am not as eloquent or clear as I should be, but I really want to post it in the hope that it may be of help...

 

I don't want to talk about the loneliness or the feeling that you may not find anyone else...that's a set of totally different issues.

 

What I want to talk about is this deep, physical yearning for the person. Something that I found excruciating and unbearable.

 

In my case, it was a difficult situation: age, religion, distance, unusual personality etc. Eventually, he ended up with someone else.

 

No matter what I felt, I could not hate him or even be permanently angry - I yearned for him.

 

You know how when you look at people/families, you can automatically say, 'They are not my type'... You know, there are people who are 'your type' and 'others'... People you can never imagine mixing with or being close to?

 

Well, the person we were with was our 'type' or it appeared so. The fact that they left us means that they don't consider us to be 'their type of a person'.

 

The new angle is this - if your ex is with someone else, then this someone else is their type. This new person is quite different to you. Therefore, the fact that person who is so different to you is your ex's type, the fact that your ex could go for someone so different to you, the fact that you probably would not consider this new partner as someone to have in your life as a close friend implies that your ex is really not your type.... your ex is not the person you thought he/she was.

 

We tend to sometimes close our eyes to imperfections in their behaviour, in their statements and hang on to the positives only, because we want to be delusional - we don't want to see the issues.

 

However now that they are with someone else who is so different to you shows you CLEARLY that your ex is not what you thought he/she was - he/she is NOT your type. Look around you - would you have a relationship with people who are not your type? No, you wouldn't. So therefore, you don't want a relationship with your ex.

 

Now does that mean I am totally over him? Well, I yearn for him.. I yearn for what I THOUGHT he is, but the reality has shown me that I was wrong.

 

So no - I am not over him, I still find it hard to get up in the morning, but the above logic is the most honest one.

 

There is no point saying, 'They may look happy, but who knows...' or 'They will regret it one day...'. The point is that we don't know - the opposite may be the truth - they may be happier with someone else and therefore never regret leaving us. There is no point deluding ourlselves now, just as we were deluding ourselves when we were with them and ignored little signs.

 

What we can do is see the reality for what it is - we just aren't really each other's 'type' and what more proof do we need than by looking at the new person they have chosen.

 

Does that make sense to you?

[biggestdork]

Well, yes. To simply put:

 

The person that broke your heart and left you is not the person you wanted he/she to be... So obviously, you're not going to miss that person.

 

You miss person who you thought he/she was, or the person you wanted him/her to be...

 

They're not that person. Move on.

[Romy_my_name]

Hahahahahaha...

 

Yes, but do such pragmatic statements make us feel any better?

 

What helped me is looking at detail...as I did in the post...

 

Wish I could've just 'moved on'...it seems that the reason we are all here is because we can't...

[Romy_my_name]

Oh yeah...

 

What I just posted is not what we want to read...Even I don't... but if you keep repeating it to yourself in the worst times of despair - it will eventually have some effect.

[mca1975]

Well, yes. To simply put:

 

The person that broke your heart and left you is not the person you wanted he/she to be... So obviously, you're not going to miss that person.

 

You miss person who you thought he/she was, or the person you wanted him/her to be...

 

They're not that person. Move on.

 

I believe this also. After a time, I realised my BF was not who I thought he was and was not my sort of person and that extended to his family aswell. I found them so very different to mine, cold, and in the end my BF was cold aswell.

[stu1973]

I think you may be correct for a great many relationships, however, as is said so often is here, every relationship is different.

 

I am not in denial ( honest! ), but I can quite simply say she is definitely, without a shadow of a doubt my type, very unique indeed. I doubt very much if I'll ever meet someone so scarily like me in every way, she actually feels like the female version of me, quirks and all.

 

I am fairly certain ( although not positive ) that I am her type ( the small seed of doubt I have is that she mentioned celebrity bad boys such as Danny Dyer and Russell Brand as sexy, and that is the exact opposite of me ). In our relationship, it was infatuation on both sides at first, but my supposed lack of interest and nonchalance led her to believe I wasn't interested, I didn't want a future with her, and it was just casual dating ( she told me this ). She started to lose attraction, but fought hard to keep us together, and I responded, but the attraction was gone, and after a while she ( very reluctantly ) called it a day. Very sad, and I'll never forgive myself, but I would definitely not agree in our case that we weren't each others type.

[Romy_my_name]

Stu, when you realised you do want her - did you go after her? probably not as strongly as she wanted you to, not as strongly as to bring you back together. Why?

 

If we were each other's type, then we would never end up here... no matter what difficulties we faced as a couple.

 

Look what other couples endure to be together...I guess when it is right, both people move in tandem.

[fuddiduddy]

Thanks for your thread.

 

However, I have to say that I'm not quite understanding. Coming to the conclusion that, after all that we've been through, we're just not each other's "type" does not make me feel better at all. Why would it?

 

That being said, in my case, my ex and I were both indisputably very much each other's type. A couple could be 100% each others type but that still isn't a guarantee against breaking up and then finding someone new. GIGS abound all the time.

 

Apologies, but I'm also very jaded and resentful at the moment.

[Romy_my_name]

fuddiduddy

 

No need to apologise. We are all resentful and sensitive at this point in our lives....

 

You know, a break up is not forced by a third party - it is a choice by someone in a relationship. Someone who doesn't see that 'we are the same type'. You may - she didn not.

 

It's ****. Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do. Nothing.

 

Btw, I was in NY last year and I think it's the greatest city! I am sure it would help in my recovery to live in Manhattan!