How will the dumpers feel?

[stevyhope]

Hey guys,

 

I want to know how the dumpers feel when their exes stop contacting them all of a sudden and disappear for a considerable amount of time, in a situation where the dumpers have fallen out of love with their partner [no other love interests involved] and yet, see them as best friends. Do you guys think they will start missing their annoying exes or will they feel relieved? and if the dumpee told them (dumpers) that they will not contact them, will they still miss them?

[mca1975]

I was a "dumper" (dont like that word) and me and my ex are in very good NC with only very minimal contact once in a while over formalities. We don't get on that well. I only miss him for moments at a time and its few and far between.

 

I have been a "dumper" before and I have missed them like crazy, but that's natural. I think I was unhappy for so long with my exes moods and selfishness that I have found it relatively easy to get over him

[stevyhope]

Sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone. And in our case we still get on well with each other even after the breakup. So do you think the chances of your exes missing you is greater if both people get on well with each other even after the break up?

[mca1975]

Sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone. And in our case we still get on well with each other even after the breakup. So do you think the chances of your exes missing you is greater if both people get on well with each other even after the break up?

 

No offence taken seriously. Have just come accross a few judgmental and negative people on this forum before, as good as it is.

 

I think if you get on well or not, then there is every chance both will miss each other to some degree. But I would say that if you didn't get on, then maybe the chances are higher, just because people who get on after a break up seem to have accepted it more, which is a good thing. I know what its like to feel hurt over them not missing you much, thats normal, though I don't have that strongly with this relationship b/c my relief outweighs the sadness over it.

[Ascending]

A week after my ex broke up with me, I did all I could to try and win her back. I'd ignore the fact that we were broken up, or acknowledge it minimally and casually ask her things like "hey, wanna grab a bite?" or I'd call her up to tell her good news about myself. I only kept up with this for a week, then I realized she really doesn't want me around so I gave her the space she wanted.

 

When I went NC, I went completely NC. Blocked her on MSN, facebook, deleted her off my phone and never made any attempt to talk to her ever again. That was over a year ago.

 

The truth is, I don't know what she's thinking. Her brother did call me a month or two after the break up to just casually talk to me and say "she wants to talk to you" but I kinda deflected. A few more months after, I learned of news that she may hate me, for what reason, I don't know, my friend speculates it's cause I blocked her off facebook, as if I were sending her the message that I'm getting over her or able to dismiss being friends on facebook so easily.

 

But I can't tell you if she misses me. Though apparently, she hates me.

[bluebaby]

I was the dumper, not for falling out of love but for not feeling I was treated that well. He amicably agreed that we were not working out anymore. This was after a 2 and a half year relationship. Ironically as the dumper, I have been the devastated one hearing from mutual friends and seeing him around town that he is feeling really good about it. And here I am a wreck just trying to move on.

 

I said it would be easier for awhile if we weren't facebook friends and deleted phone numbers, and he was hesitant about it. It was working fine and we didn't contact each other at all whatsoever. It has been just over a month. I recently texted (as I annoyingly knew his number off by heart) to ask if we could eventually be friends again. Did so again a few days later. But he is completely and utterly ignoring me now, not even a 'leave me alone' text. He has always been good friends with exes.

 

So as the dumper who is now being completely ignored, I feel like the entire relationship meant nothing to him. He was so fine about it and I'm not begging for him back at all, so I'm struggling to see the reason he is happy to cut me out completely.

[stu1973]

Bluebaby,

 

Your post should be a sticky for all new dumpees about the effect of NC ( obviously apart from the main aim of allowing the dumpees to heal! )

[so-lost]

Hi, I am dumpee [my Bf dumped me] and I am dying to win him back.

As usual, I have done all the ugly things for 2 weeks right after the breakup. We even hung out but according to him, "as friends only".

 

He told me he loves me but it's impossible we together [reason too long to type here] but I posted my reason in this forum already. My last resort is to go NC as a strategy. I know very well it's only 50% successful but I have no choice, this is my last hope.

 

My feeling now is 200% DEAD and shut down. I literally drag myself out of bed, chain myself to get to work. I have stopped having lunch with fellow coworkers, I have stopped smiling. The last I saw him was last Saturday :sad:

 

Today is my Day#2. My question is do I need to pretend to be going on so well, so active, so happy on my Facebook? I have read soooo many articles

and advices on forums that dumpee needs to "move on" and be happy coz that looks attractive. No dumper likes

self-pity, vampire looking dumpee. They will not pity us.

 

He is not on my Facebook but his best friends are. When we first have our first argument, he went to them for advice. I'd like to "send a message" to him via his buddies who are on my FB, that I am good now w/o him which is obviously not true, duh.

 

Or do you think that will backfire my plan???

 

Oh BTW don't get me wrong, I DO want to work on make myself better during NC but it's not going to happen overnight. But at the meantime....should I use the social media as a "Weapon"?

[MalibuOne]

So-lost, I'm right there with you. I'm on day 2 also and the last time I saw my guy was last Saturday. Weird, huh. I am, however, still friends with him AND believe it or not, his ex gf. He broke up with me because he was still conflicted about the demise of their relationship. I post happy stuff on FB because I know they'll both see it and I'm not going to give either one of them the satisfaction of knowing how bad I'm hurting.

[Ms Darcy]

I would agree with Stu here. The response is not the same for all dumpers, but for those who have doubt about their decision ... see how those dumpers start to feel miserable when they think you are happy? See how they start questioning your feelings when you ignore them? All of a sudden, the dumper who was unsure is out of control and that can make some lose it.

 

Ironic indeed.

 

The best way to heal is to cut them off and move on.

[Klimtz]

As my brother says: "You dont wanna be with me? you dont wanna talk with me about issues? OK, get lost, have a happy life and think about it... You will have your space and final frontier to feel sorry or not."

[lavenderdove]

When I broke up with my husband, i felt a lot of sadness and was sorry it turned out that way, and was grieving the loss of someone who had been very important in my life.

 

But i still knew it was the right thing to do, so not being in contact with him was what i knew we both needed to heal.

 

i think NC makes a lot of dumpers sad because they hoped to salvage at least a friendship out of the relationship, but if they are really sure they don't want you back, regardless of what you do it won't sway them. But if they are not sure, suffering your total loss might wise them up to the fact that they miss you too much and it was wrong to dump you.

[abigheart]

i think NC makes a lot of dumpers sad because they hoped to salvage at least a friendship out of the relationship, but if they are really sure they don't want you back, regardless of what you do it won't sway them. But if they are not sure, suffering your total loss might wise them up to the fact that they miss you too much and it was wrong to dump you.

 

I agree with this and experienced this first hand. When I FINALLY had it in me to announce NC (prior to, I showed how cool I was with being friends when deep down I couldn't take it), my ex was really sad that I decided I couldn't handle being friends immediately after the break-up. I think people react differently, but he actually cried...most likely because I had made things appear as though everything was okay and that in general we had a really great r/s. I think it was hard to swallow at first, but in the end, he didn't want me back.

 

It's only been a month and a few days, but I'm really curious as to how he's doing, too. I wonder if he's still sad as I am...probably not.

[intolerable]

This is similar to my situation. Whenever he said he wants to talk, I would always deflect, because I didn't want to salvage whatever 'friendship' we had left.

 

And yes, last time I heard he hates me. I don't blame him for it, though. It's harsh but I stopped caring what he thinks or feels a long time ago.

[bluebaby]

Yeah I am a classic example of when NC does exactly what you want to do to the ex - leave them doubting, lost, alone and worthless.

 

But the key thing to mention here is that this definitely does not work all the time. It did in this instance, because I never wanted to break up at all and I loved him with all my heart. I had dreams of travel plans, beautiful kids, the whole lot. It just wasn't returned. So I had had to end it before wasting more of my youth away on someone that did not give a damn about me. Even at the time of the break up, he said I wasn't the one and could never think about moving in or traveling with me.

 

So NC to me just amplified these horrible feelings and confirmed his lack of love and care for me. NC back to him, left him free, happy and relieved, as if I did not exist. It would have been enough for me if he finally realised how badly he treated someone he was supposed to care about, and allowed himself to mature. Instead I was just used for empty company, sex, whatever it was that had him keep me around.

 

When trying NC, you must be ruthlessly honest which of these two scenarios each of you are. Someone always loves the other one more.

 

If I can help someone heartbroken out there to see this perspective though, then something good has come from it! Just don't get your hopes too high up though.

 

As for so-lost, I have been through that too. Everything you do on facebook backfires. His friends will always be on his side. It sickened me to see that they are laughing and congratulating his 'single' status and weekend hookups. Contacting them at all will just allow them to humour themselves that you are not yet over it, unless ofcourse they were truly your own friends too and ask how you are out of their own accord.

[jenna-is-here]

no, dont involve the friends. cut it all off...try not to look throught their profiles for traces of him.

 

You are in such an infancy stage. That dark cloud over you will move away in a few weeks. It still will be hard getting up but you wont feel 200%dead. I know how you feel, and it is a hopeless feeling. Nurse yourself like you are sick, lots of rest, etc.

 

My advice, go NC (strict) - make a goal of 2 weeks to start, and then when you get to 2 weeks, make another goal. Trust me, the pain of playing those games, is not worth it.

 

The best revenge is a happy life so start focusing on you (not them)