trying not to hurt, but really it really does bad

[dancingcolors]

I just saw my ex of 2 years after not seeing him or hearing from him for over as yesar. He left me for another woman and yesterday, he came and found me at work, with the new woman, who he has been with for the whole time. She freaked out and ran away, and I talked to him for over and hour, till she came back. He wanted my phone number, I didn't give it. he said he wants to communicate through email, I said what is the point. He said he wants to communicate feelings and say he is sorry for what he did to me. I said o.k. I caved in there. I don't even know if he will really even send one, but of course now I will be looking for them. The rest of yesterday and most of today I feel bulldozed. I have a great best friend roomate, who has worked hard at cheering me up all day, and my daughter and a few other friends.

 

My goal is to not feel bad tomorrow, but really deep down inside seeing him really wounded me, and really backslid me. It was hard because he came with the other woman and left with her. I mostly just stayed in bed all day today, except my friend took me out to eat to cheer me up. I want to feel normal tomorrow, but deep down inside, I am so not normal right now. It is like a huge wound that was healing just got peeled open. Especially when he said he loves her and never loved me. I was so in love with him. We are 57 years old, and this relationship affected me more than any other I ever had.

 

I am too old to go through this pain, and I can give myself a pep talk that I am fine and I am not going to be affected tomorrow, but I know I will. Plus my self esteem is really hurt. I know I shouldn't use him to validate myself, intellectually, but emotionally, I feel so unloveable, as he says he loved the woman before me, and now the woman after me, and could never love me. He says that is why he left. We had such an intensely close and passionate relationship in every way. I just can't understand why he couldn't love me, and I have to go through this. I am too old, and I hate being alone. I get so lonely, and still miss him so bad. He said that I am with him everyday, even though he claims to be in love with this other woman. He didn't seem very happy to me, and claimed it was divine providence that brought us together yesterday. I wish I didn't have to go though this anymore, it has been going on for over a year. I am tired, and just want a happy life, with a loving companion in it. It seems so unfair that he has someone, when he broke my heart, and I was the one who loved him, and I am the one who has to suffer.

 

I am grateful to this site, it is kind of like therapy to write all this, see others going through the same thing, and hear responses. Thanks so much!

[somberchic]

WOW. One year and the pain is still THAT raw??? How long did you guys date? Was the breakup blind sided? You didn't see it coming?

[BriarRose]

How long were you together? If it was any good length of time, I don't believe he never loved you. Also, it sounds like he is trying to be in contact with you again. I find it odd he came to your work with that woman, but he definitely was chatting you up, feeling you out.

 

I am sorry you are hurting....how long have you been split up?

[dancingcolors]

We were together for 2 years and apart for 15 months. We were very close, and it was like a magical dance between us. He was going through a divorce which made it tough, and he lived 1 1/2 hours away. He faithfully came to see me all the time, and would stay with me half the week, every week. He started staying he couldn't love me, and I would get upset, but he was always there. The last week we were together he bought me a dozen red roses, said I was the only one and said I was in his soul. Then he stopped calling, and I called, and he was seeing a woman from work. This is the same woman he showed up with yesterday.

 

This relationship affected me so deep, that the break up was devastating, and I left the state and spent the year in Montana. I sent a few emails, with my address and new phone number, a few paper letter and a hat I crocheted for him at Christmas. He responded to none of these, never. He told me yesterday he got everything, and wears the hat. I came back 3 weeks ago, and sent an email saying I was back, and still missed him terrible. He never responded and then he shows up yesterday at this little craft show I was selling at in the country, halfway between his place and mine, with the girlfriend. She freaked out, ran away, and he spent the hour talking to me. He said he thought I might be there, and he came on purpose to see me. He said he thought it was greater than coincidence , he called it seredipity, and acted like it was divine providence that we were seeing each other. I kind of told him off, also told him how hard it was this last year, and also how much i still loved him and missed him. He claims to be in love with this woman, but he seemed unhappy and had very noticeably aged and didn't look good at all. It seemed like he hadn't warned her that I might be there, when he pulled into the place.

 

I told him I wasn't over him, and he was always with me. He said I was always with him too, and he thought of me alot, and had wanted to write me emails thru the year. He claims he doesn't love me, he loves her, but the whole thing was odd, as he didn't seem too concerned about her panicing and running off for an hour, while we talked. We talked about our whole relationship, and he was really willing to do that. There ws nothing like, that is in the past, I am with someone new for over a year now, etc..... We were apart maybe 2 weeks when he told me he was involved with her. He met her at work, but swears up and down there was nothing between them when we were together. I told him yesterday I don't know how he could overlap us like that. We are both 57.