Skay Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 I haven't posted here in quite a while.. But I need advice from you all once again. I am a mother of a 2.5 year old, and I'm 19 years old. I have social anxiety disorder and it makes it really hard for me to talk to people I don't know, or even hold a conversation with those I do know. Sometimes I get so nervous, I just want to disappear. But I'm lonely all the time. There hasn't been one single day in three years that I haven't felt lonely. I go in and out of relationships (they've all been long distance), and they always end with tears. I hate long distance relationships, but I can't stop myself from getting into them. I've told a few people about my feelings, and all they ever say is "go out and meet people" but no one understands how HARD that is for me. I can't just go out and meet people. It frightens me. I want to have friends, and I have zero since leaving California (I moved so my daughter would have a better life). I want to go outside and do all of those things I want to do but don't. And I want a real relationship. One where I can see that person more than a few times a year. Where I can feel comfortable around them and not feel strange when they look at me. I don't have a car or a license (it's too expensive for me to get it), and I'm in the house all the time. The only one I ever really talk to is my daughter, and I love her, but I'm still extremely lonely. I need a stimulating conversation with people my own age. People who like the things I do. People who could laugh at the same jokes and just have a good time. But I don't know how to do any of this. I'm so awkward around people who try to talk to me. It's rare that I ever feel comfortable around them. I've developed a cabin-fever so bad, half the time I want to just bang my head on the wall and not stop or scream. I don't take any medication - I can't afford it and don't have health insurance because I can't afford that, either. I'm not in college, yet. But I want more than anything to be.. and hopefully that will happen in August. My current relationship is failing yet again and it's my fault because of these mood swings I always seem to have. I'm happy one minute and extremely depressed another. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, and this loneliness is affecting how I react with my daughter. I don't want her to see me crying. And I don't want to take out my frustration on her.. I'm sorry about the wall of text, but I just need some insight.. What should I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LonelyMoondancer Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 What do you usually do during the day? Do you have a job? Any family to spend time with or help take care of your daughter? I know you said you don't have any friends nearby and that it's hard for you to make new ones, I know exactly how you feel. I'm an awkward person too and worried about that when I was about to start university. But to even have the chance to meet people you need something that gets you out of the house in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skay Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 What do I do during the day? Nothing. I sit at home, usually in my room on the computer or with my daughter somewhere in the house. I rent the basement apartment from my mother, and she watches my daughter while I'm at work. I have never been close to my mother and never been able to talk to her, even though I've tried. When I get home from work, my daughter and I go back downstairs and the same thing is repeated every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 When I get home from work, my daughter and I go back downstairs and the same thing is repeated every day. Where do you work? Have you tried getting to know your work colleagues on a more social basis, perhaps go to lunch with them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 It seems like you might need to take a break from wanting a relationship and getting involved in long distance relationships because it makes you withdraw even more from human interaction. I am sure having had a baby so young has also taken away a lot of your time, but think of this all as a positive. Have you tried setting up play-dates and interacting with the mothers? How about interaction with young mums at the playground? What do you like to do? link removed is a good place to start from, search your favourite activities and find groups that enjoy doing what you like also. Interact with these people as a start and possibly build friendships from there. Having a relationship is nice, but you seem to be hurting because you're lonely and you can't just rely on your partner as the only adult companion. Believe me, I say this because I know how it is to distance yourself from the outside world having lived in mine or "our" bubble, we both just deteriorated as people. I think now that we aren't together (ex and I) we both got ourselves back and I would never get into another relationship only to rely on a man as the only friend or only companion I have. Relationships end, things happen, and we need friends who will be there. You also need to be happy within yourself to be in a happy and healthy relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alli Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 I think it's good that you crave social interaction despite your anxiety. I would suggest seeing a psychologist but it sounds like that is not an option for you because of your finances. The second best thing is to get in contact with a psychologist somehow, and just ask them some things you can do on your own to help minimize your social anxiety. Number 3 is to listen to my ideas. I think that to get over anxieties, you have to do it a little bit at a time. Baby steps to push you out of your confort zone, a little bit at a time. I don't know exactly the best way to do this, but I would think that starting by going outside to a public place, like a park might be the first step. Make small talk with strangers would be the second. And so on. I don't know exactly the best way to help you. Maybe google "handling social anxiety". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skay Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 Capricorn3 - I work at a Blimpie's (sandwich place similar to Subway). I know all of my coworkers, and have no problem talking to them at work, but I cannot see myself talking to them outside of work. The youngest one is a 33 year old woman with three kids. Every one of them is married with children. Despite me having a child, I don't like kids. I feel uncomfortable around other's children, and can't be friends with any of these people mostly because of their age. I feel like I'm trying to talk to my parents. petite - Honestly, I'm tired of relationships. I want a real one, but I am tired of feeling like I need a man to make me happy. I want to be like one of those people who are HAPPY to be single and not have to rely on anyone. I don't look for anyone, I never have. They just happen. As for meeting other mothers, I feel strange around other moms and kids. I don't like kids, and most moms you see at play grounds or parks are really interested in family and nothing that I like. Not to mention the age difference.. A lot of people seem to criticize me because of my age. I don't feel like I can be friends with a person who is way out of my age range.. I don't know. Maybe that's just part of my hangups. alli - I would really love to be able to see a psychologist. I admit and acknowledge that I have certain issues that regular people don't have to go through, and I would love to be able to help myself. I've lived with it for years, but every year it just gets worse. It's hard to talk with strangers, especially men. As stupid as it might sound, my initial reaction to a man wanting to talk to me is being afraid he's going to try to hurt me. I have a very hard time interacting with men because of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 petite - As for meeting other mothers, I feel strange around other moms and kids. I have to say, I think Petite had a great idea with meeting other mothers in a playground etc etc. I understand you feel strange around other moms, but seriously, you really should TRY something, sometimes. Don't knock it before you tried it. If you have that mindset, you will never move forward in anything in life. Ever. Sometimes one has to go outside their comfort zone, one baby step at a time and I think meeting other mothers is the easiest starting point. For all you know, some of these mothers may know other young girls your age and can refer you or set up meetings etc. I know it's really hard and not easy, but we all have to start somewhere, and in your particular situation, I think you should make an effort to go outside your comfort zone every once in a while. Baby steps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skay Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 I don't know how to make friends. I've had the same group of friends for 10 years, and haven't even seen them in person for nearly 5 of those years. I don't know what to say to people I meet, I don't know how to react. I don't even know if there is a park within walking distance from where I live. Can you believe I've lived here almost a year and don't even know where downtown is? I feel really pathetic when people ask directions and I have to tell them I have no idea. I guess that part really isn't on subject, but I don't even know where to start. Should I go somewhere by myself, or take my daughter? She's so young yet, and throws tantrums a lot so I try not to take her to a lot of places with tons of people, because it's really embarrassing. Especially when people assume you're a horrible mother because you can't control your kid. I know I shouldn't be worried about what other people think about me, but I probably care more about that than most. How do I get over that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jraf Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Skay, if you were in Canada, I would suggest you contact the Canadian Mental Health Association. They have lots of information about places/groups where people can go to get help with issues like yours that are free. I'm sure there is a similar organization in the states or your state specifically where this is possible. You say you have a group of friends, though you haven't seen them for a while. Do they live in the same town as you? If so, could you pick one and try to start by visiting with that one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 I don't even know if there is a park within walking distance from where I live. Can you believe I've lived here almost a year and don't even know where downtown is? Why don't you take walks and find out? You said: "What do I do during the day? Nothing. I sit at home, usually in my room on the computer or with my daughter somewhere in the house." - So, instead of sitting at home in your room on the computer, why not put your child in a pram and go outdoors and take her for a nice long walk and discover the area you live in? Not only will you get to learn your neighbourhood and see what's out there, but it will be a healthy exercise for both you and your child. You will be doing something constructive with her, instead of sitting at home on the computer. Do this at least once every single day and I have no doubt the exercise alone will help lift your spirits and make you feel better about yourself. It's a start, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skay Posted June 7, 2010 Author Share Posted June 7, 2010 jraf - I live nowhere near any of my friends. They're still in California while I'm stuck in Utah. That's over 700 miles away. When I say I have no friends here, I mean I have NO friends here. That is not an exaggeration. Capricorn3- I know it probably sounds like I'm just making excuses for myself, but I have no energy most of the time, especially after I get home from work. Aside from that, I lack any motivation to do anything. I don't know how to break free from that. How do I force myself to actually go out somewhere when I have no desire to leave the house 98% of the time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Capricorn3 petite - Honestly, I'm tired of relationships. I want a real one, but I am tired of feeling like I need a man to make me happy. I want to be like one of those people who are HAPPY to be single and not have to rely on anyone. I don't look for anyone, I never have. They just happen. As for meeting other mothers, I feel strange around other moms and kids. I don't like kids, and most moms you see at play grounds or parks are really interested in family and nothing that I like. Not to mention the age difference.. A lot of people seem to criticize me because of my age. I don't feel like I can be friends with a person who is way out of my age range.. I don't know. Maybe that's just part of my hangups. Your first step was seeking advice and that is good because you are aware there is a problem, your main issue seems to be a lack of motivation which happens to many of us, especially single mothers and more so those who are younger such as yourself. Your first step should be to remember you're only 19 and you have a whole life ahead of you. I really mean this, there is so much you can experience and learn from life and breaking out of your every day cycle will take time and effort but once you do overcome that desire to do nothing you will start feeling better. what you need to remember is everything takes time and you constantly need to work on yourself, your friendships, relationships and education, career and everything else. What is your daily routine? What time do you get home and when do you go to bed? I think spending time outside the house with your daughter will do you a world of good and also give you opportunities to meet other people. you mentioned you don't even know where downtown is, that's a great way to start. Google map and either print your directions or write them down and get your bundle of joy and start. take the train, bus or even walk if it's close. There are so many places in our own cities that we at times never even discover. Plan to do something every weekend, visit a play-date, go to a kids play center, play ground, museum, look for activities online where you can take your daughter with you if you don't have someone to look after her. Even planning a picnic for the two of you where you can play on the grass , run around and throw a ball will be fun. Sometimes even going for a movie alone will help you and don't even be embarrassed because you're alone. So many people go out to dinner alone, go to bars, movies, dance classes all by them selves with no partner and their confidence overtime grows. A wonderful young lady wrote a good book called Rockabye: From Wild to Child - Rebecca Woolf link removed in which she writes about her experience of finding out she was pregnant with a guy she just met, how she told him, what they went through and what SHE went through during and after the pregnancy. What I think you can relate is, she was also young, granted in her 20's but she lived in Los Angeles and having a baby in your early 20's in LA is rare, she writes about her experiences with how people treated her, how she felt seeing other mothers those married and older, at times the thought she was a nanny. She also writes an awesome blog link removed I have been an avid reader for a long time, and when her book came out even though I am not a mother I bought it because I enjoyed her blog a lot. I am not sure how much of the information is still on there regarding being a young mother but you can browse around. There are so many communities in each and every city, small and big where you can meet with people who are in a similar situation as you are. You might be surprised to know but many young women in your situation go through what you are going through and they too want and need friends. I also suggest you find a studio where they offer cheap Yoga classes it will help you so much and motivate you to start living life. If you can't afford it, there are many ways you can learn Yoga, it takes time, you have to be patient, but by practicing even in the most simplest ways even if you just want to have inner piece meditation can help. I have written a lot so far, the rest is really up to you. We can suggest the moon and back but only you have the power to make the much needed changes for yourself and your child. Happy mother = happy child. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jraf Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 Skay, I am concerned that you may be suffering from depression as well as social anxiety. I would really hope that you go to your doctor and explain just how you feel. If you are depressed and go untreated nothing good will come of it; I know, I've been there. While you are there, you can also, perhaps, get some information about organizations that offer free counseling/group sessions to deal with the social anxiety. You are way too young to have the total lack of energy you describe, but this isn't uncommon for those who are depressed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oryxx Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I have a really hard time talking to people as well. I'm so horribly shy that people think I don't like them since I'm too afraid to make eye contact let alone say something. It's bad I've found that I'm a lot better at making friends online. I've met some awesome people all over the country, but I don't have many people to talk to where I live. I'm not really sure what to do about this either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarenikol Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 Well hello there...I have just read your letters and you sound like I was twenty plus years ago and my now daughter of 26 is a mum too and has trouble finding friends but dose get out there a bit more ...and she has a child too that she has stuggled with... I just want give you a big hug...and say hey this will pass this time you are in when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.... Try to think what your last passions and fun were and see if you can try and find a hobby that will help you recreate more friends....Ring people and just talk on help lines to boost you up....Keep asking and txting as you are and try to think outside your box....you will get outside your box ...just keep thinking what did you do before having your child that you loved......it might help... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2011 Share Posted April 3, 2011 I know you don't connect with other children (not sure why people assume that moms connect with other people's children -depends on the child!) but I second the suggestion that you meet other moms at the playground and set up playdates- that way you won't feel as awkward around them because the focus will be on the kids. I have a 2-year old and I am 44- and I have close friends who are single in their 20s and we relate/connect beautifully (and then some moms in their 20s/30s -no issues there based on age). You did make me wonder -most people I encounter are very friendly but once in awhile I'll say hi to a mom as we pass by each other in the playground and I get no response. I just assume the person is having a bad day but perhaps it's more in line with what you described. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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