What would you say if I suggested you get with my sister?

[B8DarkKnight]

There are lots of details to this story which I can add later after hearing some responses but I'll try to keep it short.

 

Basically, I met a woman and after we have had sex several times she asks me how I would feel about getting together with her sister. You can read some details below, or skip down to the text conversation.

 

A few weeks ago I meet this beautiful woman at a dog park and asked her for her phone number. I'm 28 years old and it's the first time I ever did such a thing. She just so happens to live within walking distance of me, and she gave me her number(from now on I'll refer to her as "J"). We chatted via text a bit that night, and met up the next day for lunch and to just hang out and talk. Although I enjoyed speaking to her and we have some chemistry I could tell we were very different people. I'm agnostic and she's pretty religious and judges her actions on what Jesus would think, etc. One of my favorite TV shows is South Park, but she doesn't like it because it mocks religion and Christianity often. In fact, she doesn't really like any of the same movies I watch.

 

In any event, it was mostly small talk and we ended up going to a nearby pet supply store because she needed things for her fish. At the end of the evening when we were saying goodbye (I walked her home) I was expecting to just give her a hug and that's it. Instead she gave me this awkward sideways hug with a back pat. It felt so strange I actually searched Google for body language things and quickly saw many things indicating it shows the person hugging like that wants to keep you at a distance. I took it as a sign she wasn't interested in me due to our differences but didn't really feel bad. (Turns out the hug was the Christian Side Hug. Google it or look at the hilarious music video on YouTube). Two years ago I came out of a seven year relationship and for months now I've had many first dates with online dating.

 

I planned to text her the next day to see if she wanted to hang out again and expected to get no reply. My therapist (been seeing her since that break up years ago) has suggested the dating is good for me even when it doesn't work out because I get to meet people and experience new things. I've lived a very sheltered life.

 

Much to my surprise J texts me early in the afternoon after our first date, asking if I'd like to accompany her and her fraternal twin sister to a much bigger pet store in Manhattan (we live in an outer borough of NYC) to get some supplies for her sister's pet snake. I wasn't busy and was happy to come along. They aren't identical twins but J's sister is equally beautiful. We hung out at the pet store, got some things, and made lots of small talk about pets and life in general. It turns out I have much more in common with J's sister, but I didn't dream of trying to put the moves on her or anything because I had met J first. For the rest of that week J and I chatted constantly via text and met up a couple of times just to talk. We never so much as held hands, kissed each other on the cheek, or even had a regular full frontal hug. In about 4 days I knew J and I wouldn't make a good couple, but perhaps good friends and I do enjoy chatting with her even still.

 

So, Saturday night comes around and J spontaneously asks me if I'd like to accompany her to a tattoo parlor because she had just gotten her first tattoo but it needed touching up. I've never been to a tattoo parlor in my life, and would never dream of getting one myself. And I'm not the type to just walk out to do something random on a Saturday night, but I thought it'd be an interesting experience so I said yes. J and I met up, and on the way there we find out that due to subway work the trip would end up taking twice as long going and coming back, so neither of us wanted to do it. J then asked me if I wanted to just go to a bar and grab a couple of drinks. Once again I have never in my life stepped into a bar during a weekend, so I said sure even though I knew J and I didn't have a future as a couple.

 

By this time I bet you know where this story is going.

 

After her third apple martini, Ms. Christian Side Hug is giving me lap dance in the bar booth, telling me how handsome I am, and how much she wants to have sex with me. Well, she is beautiful, I was a little drunk, and sort of weak...so we did it. Yes we used protection.

 

Flash forward a few days and we've done it a couple more times and had a conversation where we acknowledged that we aren't fully compatible as a couple. She asked me to help her and her sister with a random favor later in the week and I said I would. The night before the following bizarre conversation ensues.

 

I was busy playing a video game and she wants to text chat with me. I tell her I'm sorry I can't because I'm busy. She then asks if I want to come over and hang out with her. This was at 10PM. I told her I would, but we had plans to meet the next day anyway and we could spend some time alone after I was done helping with the errand. What follows is the exact texts we sent to each other.

 

J: wat wud u say if I suggested u get w/ my sister?

 

Me: * * * are you talking about? Is this some kind of test?

 

J: No, not a test. I really wanna know.

 

Me: I, uh, I think that is crazy talk you are talking. Very awkward.

 

J: U2 have way more in common, I really thought u wud take more interest in her esp after u asked questions about her.

 

Me: Are you serious? Why the hell are you bringing this up?? You want me to try to get romantically involved with your sister when you and I have been together???

 

Me: As a hypothetical question let me put it this way. Relationships are hard enough. And for a guy to have a relationship with a woman when he's already been with her sister sexually adds layers of DRAMA. Do they keep the past a secret? Can they live with that? is it moral?

 

J: No I don't want you to try.

 

Me: or are they open about it, and even after being open about it can all three of them be 100% comfortable with that so it doesn't ever interfere with the relationship??

 

Me: So then why are you even asking this? I feel like you are pushing my buttons on purpose to get a reaction out of me

 

J not sayn I want u2 get w/ her, I just wanted 2know wat u thought since you 2 have more in common

 

Me acknowledge that it appears I have more in common with your sister but it's a moot point because I would have to be a total f***ing doubchebag to want that after meeting you first. Here's a hypothetical for you

 

J: Well 4 a second I was thinking maybe u feel like u got with the wrong sister

 

Me: Jeezus after you just asked me that totally TOTALLY awkward question I don't know what to think right now. You just blew my mind. Really.

 

J: Wat was the hypothetical?

 

Me: I was just going to ask you some weird and offensive question to try and make you feel like I feel right now. Forget it.

 

J: Why do you feel so weird? It was only a question

 

Me: Ok let me ask you a question.

 

J: Ok...

 

Me: Have you ever sexually molested a young child before? Please dont' be offended. it's just a question.

 

Me: You know what? I want you to go and ask your sister the exact same thing. Tell her we have already had sex but you think she and I have more in common and what she would ever think about me and her getting together because we'd be a better couple. Your sister strikes me as a direct person and I think she'll tell you what she thinks.

 

J: I didn't mean to get you so angry! geez! its just that type of thing that has happened before with other people. There's even songs about it.

 

Me: Seriously I want you to ask her for me and tell me what she says.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

That was pretty much the end of it. There are many more details I can add later, but basically I felt offended because with that question I thought she was making negative assumptions about me. I mean, moving in on a girl's sister when you started dating her first. Isn't that like sleeping with your best friend's wife? She couldn't see my point, and she said she has more to say on the matter but has yet to elaborate days later. She has also said that she thinks my anger to her question was inappropriate....

 

And I've learned so much from my ex I see J doing the same things. I think she is needy, and when I declined to meet up with her or speak to her because I was busy doing other things and we had plans for the next day she then sends me this totally off the wall question to get a reaction from me and get my attention. It worked. I think she's crazy.

 

Thoughts?

[-Sanguine-]

To be honest, I think you overreacted a bit when she asked you the question. I can see maybe she is a bit needy, but on the other hand I can see why she would ask you that if she thought you might be into her sister.

 

I think it was kind of blown out of proportion, but that's just my opinion.

[alli]

I think perhaps she likes you more than you like her. You figured out right away that you two aren't really compatible, but you were basically like "eh, whatever, we'll still hang out". But you didn't really have "the talk" until AFTER you two had sex. And since I wasn't there to hear how that conversation went, I would guess that perhaps it was you who first said that you two weren't compatible and she just went along with it? Maybe she was hoping more would come of it, despite your differences. Then she realized that perhaps you were interested in her sister, or at the very least are more compatible with her, and her insecurity led her to ask you those questions. Maybe she hoped you would say "no, I'm not interested in your sister".

 

This is all a guess as to where her mind is at and why she said what she said. It just seemed to me that this is how her train of thought went.

 

Also, I wouldn't have this conversation via text message. I know she started it, but I would suggest ending that conversation immediately and spoke about it in person.

 

And I also thought that perhaps your anger & feeling insulted was a bit disproportionate to the situation.

[Lamour detruit]

Calm down man. Question was nothing to get worked up about. She is probably a bit insecure and needy, and thinks you would be into her sister. She wanted reassurance, I am sure. You yourself mentioned you and her sister would be a better match, so I guess she got that vibe.

 

Kind of interesting how quickly her goody two shoe's act changed after a few times of meeting up..but hey..if you like her as a casual encounter, go for it..but by the sounds of it..a relationship doesn't seem to be in the works.

[SirEdmund]

you over reacted a little bro

 

what im puzzled about is how ms super christian girl could be such a sex fiend o.o

[Blue Skittles]

Wow, this is weird. You have a good point.

 

I too find it very strange and awkward that she should ask such a question and put you in that position. She does seem crazy. If i were you I would run away from this girl and find someone who has a bit more senses than that. And, you've already established with her that you two don't have chemistry as a couple, soooo don't pick either of the two sisters.

[B8DarkKnight]

Here's one detail that I left out of my original post which may be important in terms of context. After we had slept together and acknowledged that it doesn't appear we would make a good couple because of our differences: I asked her to be my girlfriend. Despite our differences we actually do have some chemistry and I do enjoy speaking to her. It's difficult to explain. I said that we could just take it slow and see where it goes and that if we developed deeper feelings and wanted to make the relationship more serious we could. Or, that if we came to the conclusion that our differences were too deep for us to be together despite our chemistry then we could separate amicably. I wanted to continue seeing her romantically to be certain anything was there or not but I'm not really comfortable with the whole friends with benefits thing. Keep in mind I'm not exactly desperate here and settling for the first woman to show me any attention. I've been on many dates with several women over the past few months that I met online who were interested in me, but I didn't see a connection.

 

And you know what she tells me after I plead my case to her for us to just not be afraid of the label and call ourselves a couple? She starts telling me about how I don't want to be in a relationship with her, that she is flaky and changes her mind often, that she likes me now and in another two weeks she might not and didn't want to hurt me.

 

To sum it up, she basically warned me to keep my distance from her because if I didn't then she would hurt me. At the same time, I'm fine continuing to speak to her and going out with her at the suggestion of my therapist who knows the whole story and all my background because it's a new experience for me. So even though we're still speaking, she has made it clear she doesn't want to be a couple and warned me to keep my distance. Yet, she is still sending me text messages every day and asking me to meet up at random hours of the night simply to hang out and talk (yes, really talk as in sitting in a park talking as opposed to "talking" in my bedroom).

 

A couple of days after this whole sister conversation went down and more than a week after she said she didn't want to be my girlfriend, she sends me this random message saying I must not be into her because I'm not initiating contact enough and that she hopes I haven't deleted my profile on the dating website I'm on. I didn't respond to that. The next day I spoke to her, and told her calmly and clear - "What do you expect? Texting each other constantly, talking on the phone all the time, meeting up together whenever possible...these are things that couples do. I asked you for us to be a couple and you told me in no uncertain terms no, yet now you are upset that I'm reluctant to do all the things that couples do with you."

 

She acknowledged the contradiction.

 

 

And I actually just got home from meeting up with her and talking about the whole sister thing. She explained herself a little more clearly, and understood where my anger came from because the question was poorly worded. She said she didn't answer why she was asking the question at the time but has realized since then it was born of insecurity. I still think she is needy and insecure but don't think she's quite so crazy after just speaking with her. She's very confused about a lot of things in her life, like coming to terms with her own desires and how they come into conflict with the very strict values she was raised with.

[Shidoshi]

I think you should keep things very "casual" with her. This is the kind of woman that will run circles around you if your game isn't tight.

 

Forget about anything she says concerning your relationship, when she brings it up just change the subject. The only thing that's important is her ACTIONS. You see what happens when you take what she says too seriously? It confuses you and throws you for a loop, that's exactly the intention, even if she isn't fully aware of it.

 

If she says one minute that you need to keep your distance, do exactly that, if she caves in the next minute and comes to you, fine, enjoy your time together. I'm not saying you should drop everything at her whim, but you should ration out the amount of attention you give her based on how well she behaves.

 

Again, and I can't stress this enough, focus on her "actions" not her words.

 

She's going to continue to "test" you, it's what women do.