Feeling so desparate

[Im Steph]

I'm 4 weeks after break up, my boyfriend of over 6 years broke up with me saying he wasn't in love with me anymore and he didn't feel he he believed in a future for us. I don't agree and told him but he doesn't want to talk about any more and says he is not considering getting back together.

 

I hadn't contacted him at all for a week until I sent an email yesterday to say good luck on an exam he is taking tomorrow for an engineering license/certification. He said thanks, and how are you doing. I didn't write back right away, but he wrote back again this morning saying he had some documents of mine that he would mail me. I wrote back and asked if I should send him a few things of his that I have, and also told him a little bit about what I've been doing (applying for lots of jobs, seeing friends, running). And I said maybe we could talk later in the week after his exam and after he has some time to relax since he has the week off work. He did write back and said yes, later would be good and he is actually nervous about his exam tomorrow.

 

I feel worse than I did even a few weeks ago now, I feel like I cannot survive without him. I don't want to do anything. I need to find a job, can't stay here at my parents' house forever, but I just don't think I can do it on my own. Anything I try to imagine just scares me, feel like I won't ever be able to be close to or talk to anyone else. Even just friends. I guess maybe I was doing a little better with NC, but it scares me so much not to talk to him. I never imagined being without him, thought he would always be there for me. This is just miserable.

 

Sorry, meant despErate. can't seem to edit title.

[petite]

What you are going through is completely normal. I've felt this way too. You need to start fresh and have no contact with him. I realize NC doesn't work for everyone but there are people who really get better with NC.

I know when I had contact with my ex after a few days of not talking I'd want it more. With time it will change though.

Time is all you need.

[AutumnBorn]

Steph, this is still fresh. Give it time.

 

Are you journaling? I filled an entire composition book with letters to my ex when I had the urge to talk with him. I just purged everything.

 

Are you writing affirmation? Tell yourself you aren't doing well, you'll believe it. Tell yourself you're doing great, looking fabulous, the future's bright, you'll believe that, too. I think you'll agree, the later is better.

 

You were happy before you knew him. You'll be happy without him.

[Capricorn3]

It's still early days and what you feel and are going through it to be expected and totally normal. Six years is a LONG time and not easy to simply get over it. Allow yourself time to grieve. You will go through many emotions, from anger, sadness, depression, back to anger etc etc, until you finally reach acceptance. Allow yourself to go through the process and don't beat yourself up about it.

 

Meantime, enjoy your friends, go out with them, do girlie things, join a gym or some other form of exercise (always great when having a hard time) etc. Be kind to yourself. ~~Hugs~~

[Im Steph]

Thanks for the support. I feel like I am doing everything as right as I can at this point, I am with my family now and talk with my mom about this so much. I visit friends, write tons of emails with them too. I joined a running group. I'm applying for lots of jobs. I am trying thought stopping, trying to keep things in perspective (there are so many ways I could be worse off) and remind myself that I'm smart, pretty, funny, independent, capable of taking care of myself, etc.

 

Still it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I know he had his exam today and now is at home visiting him mom and friends for this week. I saw him online on Skype, but didn't send a message or email him. Of course he didn't to me either. I would drop everything at this moment to fly to England to be with him. I just keep imagining he is talking with his mom and sister about me, maybe he's doubting his decision. They know how I feel, they loved me too. If he is really taking this time to think about the future, he could realize what he is missing with me. I know the best thing I can do is leave him alone now, but if he is not in touch this week, I will be so upset. Or if he tells me again that he is going on on his own and doesn't want me at all. How many times can I be crushed by this and continue to keep hoping? As long as I let myself I know. It seems so easy to say.

[tujna]

Hey Steph,

 

I am sorry to tell you that but you have to let it go. The sooner you do it the better. If he comes back to you right now, he will probably leave you again. The only successful reconciliations are after substantial period of time when both persons realize with every part of their body that they want to be with the other person. No wonder, this doesn't happen all the time. But the sooner you come to reality, the better. I am sorry if I am harsh but this is what you need now. You have to NOT hope that he changes his mind; you didn't do anything wrong, he should be hoping that you take him back! The more available you are to him, the more he will reject you. You absolutely have to stop contacting him! At least for a month. This is the only way he could reconsider, not with you being around all the time.

 

I was in your shoes 9 months ago: after 7 years relationship. I know how you feel. Life will be like that for a while. You will live only because you have to and you will do the activities in life out of habit and as if you are not actually doing them. I am sorry that it is so hard but you are only going through this because you have the strength to cope and you will. I know so many times you feel like you can't but you will, for sure.

 

But do yourself a favor, go NC, soon delete him from all social websites and skype, let him search for you because he is the one who walked away and breached the trust. You will only hurt yourself if you keep in touch and he will receive validation of his decision to separate.

 

Please, read MrSoSo post on this thread:

 

 

 

it is the most helpful thing I have read on this website, I read it again and again to be able to have the strength not to contact him. Now, 9 months later, I wish I had not only gone NC, the way I did, but not even answered his calls. Why should they come back to us if we are waiting for them anyway? They can live their life, find new people and date and if it doesn't work, they can come back... I cannot tell you how important it is for you to show dignity and how valuable you are. You are wishing him good luck at a stupid exam??? Why???? Really why? He left you heart-broken not caring about you? He deserves to never talk to you again! Don't give him all the power.

[Im Steph]

tujna, thanks again. I did read the post you put up a link to, and it was very good. And I read back over some of your posts, it gives me hope to know that you, and many others I know, have gone through helpless and hopeless feelings like this. I just still can't seem to find the strength to cut myself off from him. I know all of the advice, and have read so much about it and believe it in my head. My heart and head are not in the same place.

 

I left him alone yesterday because I knew he was at home with his family, but now I have an email from him this morning that he did pass his exam, and that he is heading back to the boat to go back to work after a whirlwind visit with his family. I thought he was going to have a week off, but now he's just going back to his life and his moving on... I told him a few days ago that I would like to talk after he's had a chance to decompress a bit and figure some things out in his head, but now it seems he is still not giving himself a chance to do that.

 

I just had yet another breakdown this morning. Feeling a bit calmer after that now. I wish I had not lost my job and life along with him, I just can't seem to find the motivation now to choose to commit to doing something new on my own, I'm probably trying to leave myself open in case he comes back. I don't think he even knows how cruel he has been to me. Now I am sounding like a victim, but I know that I am stronger than that. Just going to keep venting here, thanks for reading and any thoughts help.

[tujna]

I know it is really hard to let go and it takes a lot of time; it has been 9 months for me and I have not yet completely let go. What helped me to do NC was to think that if there is anyway for him to come back (and I would EVERYTHING for him to come back), it was to let him be and pretend I am fine with the breakup, so he would be able to realize what it is to be without me. Every time I do that, he ends up contacting me; anytime I show that I still have feelings, he backs out. I know how hard it is but you have to distance yourself from his life and what he is doing. Right now, I don't have the slightest idea what my ex is doing and it is so hard, I still google his name and try to find something but so many times, I am able to stop myself and say: what good would it do? Focus on your life and little by little you will have other things to think about, I promise. It will take a few months but this is how it was for all of us.

[Im Steph]

I don't know what happened to make this week so bad for me so far, I have been feeling such major despair. I did contact him and there have been emails going back and forth, I suppose that doesn't help. They are minimal for both of us though, almost business-like. Although he did write to me this morning when there was really no reason for him to, just to say passed the exam and was heading back to the boat.

I did write back later in the day, again very minimal. Even though he hurt me so much, I know he is struggling with all of this too, I want to show that I am there for him, but I am not going to beg and plead any more. He knows how I feel, but he needs to know that I am capable of surviving on my own, and I am taking steps to build my own life again.

 

But it is so hard. I don't want to pretend or play games when all I want is to be with him again. Tujna, are you really moving on in your heart, or do you still have the idea that you and the ex could still end up together again? Do you respond when he contacts you, or initiate any contact? Would you be interested in being friends with him?

[tujna]

Ah, Steph, you have the totally wrong approach here. Be there for him? He chooses to be without you. He is only struggling because he chooses not to be with you. I know it is really hard to see it but you really have the best chance to get him back only if you stop contact him and "being there for him." You can still be polite with him but show that you have dignity and you will be fine on your own and that you cannot keep waiting around for him to choose because you have to choose yourself!

 

About me, I am sure you know what 7 years relationship is and how deep the lives of two people intertwine. It has been 9 months since the breakup, there was a month of trying to figure it out, 3 months of NC and then I thought I would never hear from him. But he called. He was being really nice and we remained on the same insurance together. He offered to pay several thousand dollars for a class I had to take and I accepted. At this point (about 2 months ago), I was convinced we are going to be back together, he was so nice, made our old jokes, etc. Then, I invited him to come to my graduation and he didn't even respond (about a month ago). Interestingly, at this point, I started meeting new people and went out with a new guy. Things are not serious, but, OMG, it is the best thing that happened to me during the last 9 months. I love my ex. I know he loves me too. I also think one day he will ask me back but I cannot wait for that. I have to live my life, I am so sick of being sad and miserable all the time.

 

I will not contact him unless I have to. We are on the same insurance, so I will need to contact him soon. If he calls, I will answer but will no longer fall in his traps with the hope he is giving me. I will be straight to the point and will act the way he does. I don't need someone to be stirring my head, showing care, paying for my classes and then disappearing for months. I know he is trying to find someone and to date. Why would I just stick around while he is having fun?

 

And one more thing, even though I suffered so much during this last year, it was also maybe one of the happiest and successful in my life. Because I was with him all the time, I didn't have any friends. I have so many now. It was my last year in school and I used it to the fullest. I graduated with honors, I got so slim that I have so much men's attention, etc. I still miss dearly what we had but it wasn't my choice to leave!

 

And, don't think you are alone... there were times when I thought I would die from this pain. And as terrible as it is, you won't. I still feel this pain sometimes, actually, so there is no fast cure. But the important thing is to set your own boundaries: to decide that you don't deserve to be treated this way and even if it is at the expense of being alone for some time, you will choose the right thing for youself instead of praying and begging that someone will love you back when being loved is what you deserve to begin with!!