Help, I want the TRUTH!!!! need woman's response

[UncertainT]

First a little about me as this will help give context to my question:

 

me: Late 30's male, educated with >$100,000 income full-time work; married for 13 years to college "sweetheart" who works in same field as me. Monogamous and never cheated and come from stable home life as a child.

 

Spouse: youngest of siblings, is my age and comes from broken family with several divorces on both sides but for different reasons (abuse, infedelity from father who was not a loving doting father to give male attention) and she always dreamed of being as "pretty as her older sister" even though she is still attractive and has a better body than her sister - but she is referring to her sister's "beautiful face"

 

Children: we have 2 healthy kids together

 

description of myself: 6-03 210 lbs athletic build, dark hair/skin white race European ancestry. Voted high school "class cutie" and all that jazz.. wife still calls me her "male model" there is a point to this...

 

spouse description: white fair skin average height, breast implants (she had to have them were her words regardless of the risk) attractive woman and in great physical shape - also a full-time worker and very accomplished in her work - educated in the same work field as me with good income also.

 

Problem 1) bad economy - had to move to new place accross country for work 2 years ago. Wife was hired by close friend of ours from years before. Commute is long so car pooling is very common. Within 6 months of this there is a problem.. the close friend attempts to kiss my wife... Wife rejects him.. his wife finds out... relationship is destroyed for good.

 

Problem 2) Spouse of male co-worker friend upset at spouse for kiss attempt but forgives him... both of them think my wife deserves much blame for creating "environment" to allow this... why? there were inappropriate conversations about each others married/sex life and discussions of each others disappointments. Discussions of not feeling attractive.. etc. My wife makes him feel better (ego boost) saying he is attractive and handsome when he asked her opinion since he doubted his spouse's love/affection level. Male friend forms a crush, emails are exchanged... eventually he makes the "pass" Everybody soon finds out - me included. it becomes a He said/She said game. "that was out of context - I did not mean it like that - my voice inflection was not like that - he misunderstood me - blah blah blah

 

Problem 3: Originally trusted my spouse in the above situation but patience and trust almost out. Why? For example, recently she decided to hang out and play tennis and "grab sushi" afterwords with other male friends of ours... male friends of similar age and attractive guys. Again they are good friends and I trust them but I also trusted male friend who attempted kiss

 

 

Question: Who is likely more to blame? my spouse or people who flirt with her? She is a flirty person but not vulgar... She is an outgoing person but loves attention, and craves attention. She constantly compliments me and to my friends on my "hotness" looks, sex appeal, etc. (really embarsses me sometimes) But she wants it all back to her... which I do but not every second of the day type thing. Certainly several times a week. "honey your hot, good-looking, awesome body" but she does not "feel" it from me... she thinks her face is wrinkled and skin "to light" it never freakin stops... now she is talking plastic surgery for face, botox, etc. Don't know what to do.. had huge fight and sick and tired of it.. it never stops except for brief periods of time.. then right back to same problem... the insecurity.. I told her she just likes the male attention - any male attention... What the *(&^ is going on in the woman's head? Also, need to mention very difficult sex life from early on.. history of female problems: bleeding hormone swings, etc. had to have total hyst. before mid 30's.. hormones some better now with mood swings.

 

Thanks for any honest answers... i want the truth..

[Sparkly Eyes]

Sounds to me like your wife didn't have that period in her life when she could flirt , be single and have fun...and now she is trying to have it all. She also obviously has low confidence. What you says sums it up, she is not after cheating, but she is very insecure and is craving attention and compliments.

 

What can you do here? Help her get her confidence back. Make some sense to her that not everything is about appearance and she has to happy with who she is because no matter what, looks will fade in the years to come. Maybe she can get some help from therapy too.

[nutbrownhare]

From what you describe of your wife's history, both long past and recent, it would be very surprising if she didn't have issues around male attention, approval and affirming her feminity. All the way from not having a father who was supportive to her, from having a hysterectomy at such a young age - which must really have knocked her sense of herself as a woman.

 

When you ask who's likely to be to blame, her or the people who flirt with her ... my guess is that it's 50:50. After all, unwanted attention from the opposite sex is known as harassment and there are plenty of avenues to deal with this. If someone really doesn't want attention from a member of the opposite sex, others are likely to know about it! The man who try to blame her is also failing to take responsibility for his own actions - though it may be easier for his wife to think that it was nothing to do with him! She is deluding herself.

 

Unfortunately, the only person who can deal with these issues is your wife herself. You're probably right that she craves male attention, any male attention, in a futile attempt to fill the gap which was left in her young life.

 

What you need to ask yourself is how much longer you can put up with this. It's not a situation which is going to change unless she gets professional help, and that's only likely if she perceives it as a problem which she herself needs to address. If she's happy with the status quo then that's not likely. I can understand that it must feel like you're pouring compliments down a bottomless pit, and after a while this neediness must get very wearing. As she gets older, the fear of losing her looks is not likely to help, either.

 

You need to look at the situation as it is, without attempting to apportion blame, as a whole. Is it one you are willing to endure for any length of time? Is there anything you can do to make it more acceptable to you - remembering that it is IMPOSSIBLE to change another person?

[RedDress]

Well... the good news is that your wife rejected the advances.

 

Is she guilty of instigating? Possibly. Probably. You said yourself that she craves attention. She may be doing things that (intentionally or not) causes these guys to hit on her.

 

That's not new, though, right?? I mean... if she is beautiful and has had a boob job and money and looks good... I mean... she must get hit on frequently, right? She's insecure FOR SURE... but... that's not new, either, is it?

 

I guess what I'm getting at is: what do YOU think has changed?

[livinginsbi]

I’m really not sure what you are asking, but let me attempt an answer.

 

Who is likely more to blame? I would say if your wife is being true to who she is, then it’s probably the men who are misinterpreting her. Not all that uncommon, some men are so egotistical they can think a woman who is just naturally charming, is trying to put the moves on him. I had a ‘friend’ that I wished to be ‘friends’ with and he kept insisting that I wanted him for a boyfriend, even though I would say point blank , I don’t want you for a boyfriend. He said it was my ‘actions’ but I acted with him, like I do with people I like as friends… I eventually gave up, because it was getting ridiculous. This married man tried to kiss HER.. she didn’t initiate it, right? If fact, she rejected him. The male friend that tried to kiss her is the only one you should lose trust in.. and it happens. These other men that she is hanging out with don’t deserve to be distrusted because one arrogant jack ass decided to hit on your wife. And remember, she rejected him, so clearly, she didn’t want it. And she isn’t sneaking around behind your back playing tennis and eating sushi, according to what you wrote.. she seems to be straight up about it.

 

It’s interesting that you bring up birth order. You really didn’t mention yours.. are you an only.. or the oldest.. cause you sound like it. Actually, you def sound like an only child, so I would be very interested in knowing if you are. She is the baby of the family…. That socialization in the birth order makes her totally different than you and it’s apparent. I’m guessing that she got complimented and praised all the time while growing up. So.. that’s what she is wanting now… from you…and this is not what you are used to. I do agree, she sounds a bit over the top on it. But what I read from you is that you compliment her to get her off your back.. and if I read it here.. I imagine she’s picking up on it too…that’s why she doesn’t ‘feel’ it. You almost sound like you don’t want to tell her these things, just to spite her, because she wants to hear it. If you do feel your wife is attractive, why not adopt a pet name for her, like gorgeous, or sexy.. something that can come natural to you…is there really any harm in telling your wife on a daily basis that you appreciate how attractive she is? You don’t be over the top about it, but a little something?

 

Why are you against her having plastic surgery? Or doing botox?

 

As far as her complimenting you, in front of friends.. tell her that you appreciate the she thinks you’re hot, but you don’t enjoy the pubic display. I tell my BF he’s hot all the time, cause he is, but I don’t do it in front of people.. cause I’m not used to that. She’s used to being gushed over, so she probably thinks you like it too and will probably have a difficult time understanding why you don’t like it.

 

You told her that she just likes male attention… who doesn’t? I have a feeling you probably like it when a lady gives you some attention.. we’re human, we like to know that we ‘still got it’ doesn’t mean anyone wants to stray or have an affair. It’s just nice to know that we can turn a head or two.. nothing more.

 

Is she insecure? .. yeah, probably.. but no more so than you are. She is probably wondering what the *$(#^@ is going on in your head too.

[UncertainT]

True, she did reject the advances... but really, how many level-headed rational guys (and this guy is, believe me) would attempt to kiss another woman friend unless they had some reasonable guess that it would work... Does a woman (and I am not being sexist here) have thoughts of "let's just see if I still can make this guy..." Anyhow, this guy is not her type in "looks" In her words "he is not really attractive to me" but she did compliment him to be "nice" and he in return did lay the compliments on pretty heavy I must say... judging by the emails..

 

Sure she gets hit on (probably more so because she is one of the few women, not to mention attractive, who works in the location she is in) but she loves to wear the tight crop shirts over her D cups, tight pants, etc.... not that it is inherently wrong and I enjoy the visuals myself, as I should... but for what I think has changed? Simply put: she is proud of her "new body" & nice shape that she works hard on... and she does not want it to got to "waste".

 

 

thanks for your reply

[livinginsbi]

you know what irks me.. there are some men who would be soooo happy to have a wife that looked so good.. and you complain about it. Why are you so jealous?

[Sparkly Eyes]

True, she did reject the advances... but really, how many level-headed rational guys (and this guy is, believe me) would attempt to kiss another woman friend unless they had some reasonable guess that it would work... Does a woman (and I am not being sexist here) have thoughts of "let's just see if I still can make this guy..." Anyhow, this guy is not her type in "looks" In her words "he is not really attractive to me" but she did compliment him to be "nice" and he in return did lay the compliments on pretty heavy I must say... judging by the emails..

 

 

You'd be surprised. Most guys like to see signs that are not really there.

[UncertainT]

Well... the good news is that your wife rejected the advances.

 

Is she guilty of instigating? Possibly. Probably. You said yourself that she craves attention. She may be doing things that (intentionally or not) causes these guys to hit on her.

 

That's not new, though, right?? I mean... if she is beautiful and has had a boob job and money and looks good... I mean... she must get hit on frequently, right? She's insecure FOR SURE... but... that's not new, either, is it?

 

I guess what I'm getting at is: what do YOU think has changed?

you are correct... change is difficult to calculate b/c it seems to happen slowly over time but with increasing intensity... sometimes years... all the sudden one looks up and says "what the hell just happened?" Here is my question (and I am not sure what age you are or if what your status is) does a spouse limit his wife from male encounters as much as possible? stop the carpools? you know.. the whole ounce prevention pound of cure thing? I'm not even a jealous guy... but if more events happen and if my wife is just "to nice" to say no or be nasty when she needs to be.. what do I do.. sure I can threaten them or her but really that is ridiculous after a while...

[livinginsbi]

how about you trust your wife?

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds like a ticking time bomb. Only a matter of time until she cheats. Sad situation. She needs to learn how to be happy and confident without depending on her appearance and male attention for this, which is something that can take until like age 40 when you've learned through repeated relationship failures that this just doesn't work. I'd just tell her you're not comfortable with this kind of behavior in a relationship, that it makes you unhappy. And give her some time but if she just continues on like this and you remain unhappy, I'd bail on this one. Meet someone who's comfortable with who they are.

[livinginsbi]

omg... only a matter of time before she cheats? dang!

[jammin_james61]

There's a difference between being jealous/distrusting and reasonably suspicious. She's definitely giving you reasons to consider the possibilty, sorry.

 

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you.

[cynthiastout]

she could be going through her mid life crisis, and needs to feel good. I suggest you do something for her that will blow her mind and make her feel excellent. What about taking her away for a romantic weekend of sex and fun? Why don't you ask her for professional sexy photos of her, and show her how sexy she looks? There are photography companies that do sexy photos for women to give to their husbands. Try having a second honeymoon...

 

If you make her feel extra special, she may not need to rely on other men to feel good.

[UncertainT]

There's a difference between being jealous/distrusting and reasonably suspicious. She's definitely giving you reasons to consider the possibilty, sorry.

 

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you.

I agree with the scale of trust, all the way from no trust to reasonable susp.

 

I think I am the reasoable susp... partly due to the fact that I am not a jealous type person... but neither am I an overly social person... meaning I don't need socializing with friends every day - one to two times per week is cool... and that is part of what concerns me as she is a little more than that..

 

after discussion of these things.. she reaffirms her love for me, says that she would never do anything, thinks I am the greatest, but also tells me that if the relationship is not trustworthy (meaning me trust her and vice versa) the relationship won't make it.. and I agree...

 

Here is the thing ladies... for a middle-aged attractive woman who can get the attention of men, don't affairs usually, again usually, happen like this?: woman/man meet (maybe thru work) they become friends, friendship is like a sibling friendship (sibling was her words), over time emotions/frustrations may be exchanged, maybe male friend "helps" her, emotional bond becomes greater, maybe sexual interest starts/or increases from what was already there, and then... the perfect time and place crops up... maybe a work trip, maybe a " I need to rinse off after this work-out, mind if I borrow your bathroom?" situation... again, this has not happened as far as I know but it's hypothetical... Ladies can you help me out? is this over the top? should there be some preemptaive action?

[Cognitive_Canine]

You'd be surprised. Most guys like to see signs that are not really there.

 

I agree with this.

 

I have men trying to kiss me or touch me all of the time. Men I am very stern with who continue to do this after I've straight up told them no.

 

There are two types really. The types that just don't care that I'm in a relationship and think that if they could just kiss me or bed me, I'd be theirs.

 

Then there are the bleeding heart puppy dogs who I am nice to you see things that just aren't there. Everything becomes dramatic to them and "don't you see we're meant to be together?!".

 

It's not at all my fault that these men hit on me. I dress appropriately. I don't flirt. And, heck, even if I walked around in hooker heels and was missing my skirt, these men still need to respect boundaries.

[livinginsbi]

dude.. I think YOU are the one that has the problem.. you either trust your woman or you don't. I speak from experience.. if she's going to be out looking for male attention, it's cause she is not getting it at home. I know.. you're going to say that you do, but... remember there is no reality, only perception....you need to see what she is perceiving, not what you think you're doing.

 

I get varying degrees of unwanted male attention.. and I'm not doing anything to ask for it, believe me, she knows she can get it any time she wants it.... and she's opting NOT to.

 

the preemptive action you should take is pay attention to your wife and trust her.. you are coming up with ridiculous scenarios... honestly!

[Catdancer]

Your wife sounds like a fun, outgoing, life loving woman, who has stayed true to her marriage vows to you. Marriage and intimacy goes way beyond sex. Are you intimate with her, without having sex? Do you kiss her hello? Do you kiss her goodnight? Do you call her during the day, just to see how her day is going? These are things that make us think sweet thoughts of you. These are the small intimate things that make us fall in love with you all over again. Do you cook her dinner? Give her a massage, without expecting anything for your self?

 

Sure she loves attention. And if she feels that you dont trust her and you're thinking that she's cheating on you, but she isnt, your actions may very well push her into a situation that she shouldnt be in. Do you see what I mean? The more insecure and obsessive about her you are, the more you are pushing her away.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Okay, so I'm not a woman, but...

 

It's been interesting to read your relationship dynamic and the other posters interpretations. I think they are right. Your wife is outgoing and enjoys people's attention, including from men, to whatever degree. You are more reserved and do not need other people's company, compliments, whatever, very often. It sounds like you've both been this way since you met - nothing new here - but this recent incident has caused you to step back and view her differently. You need to go back to looking at not only this incident, but your entire relationship, through the original lens.

 

It seems that she is very open to talk about these things with you. She has been forthcoming with the pass and the rejection. She tells you about tennis and sushi. She tells you "she reaffirms her love for me, says that she would never do anything, thinks I am the greatest." Have you ever laid your cards on the table? Or are you solely coming to her from a position of "oh, poor me, somebody tried to kiss my wife?" Like, regardless of her innocence, you're still looking for retribution. It kind of feels like that...

 

Again, this is a guy's point of view. It sounds like you've got a keeper. I just wanted to pass on some things to think about.

 

BTW, scr*w what the approaching guy and his nitwit wife think...sometimes our minds allow the squeakiest wheel, regardless of how unfounded, to subliminally sway our thinking. Kinda like the average political campaigns going on lately.

[pl3asehelp]

there were inappropriate conversations about each others married/sex life and discussions of each others disappointments. Discussions of not feeling attractive.. etc. My wife makes him feel better (ego boost) saying he is attractive and handsome when he asked her opinion since he doubted his spouse's love/affection level. Male friend forms a crush, emails are exchanged...

 

Does any of the above sound like the behavior of a woman serious about her commitment to you? If you had a son or daughter, is this the type of relationship you'd want them to be in? Her actions speak louder than her words.

 

Your wife definitely contributed to this situation. If just the above had happened to me, I'd feel like I was cheated on and she'd need to earn back my trust. Inappropriate conversations? What was in these emails? This is supposed to be ok? Really? No way. It's really controlling to demand so much attention from you - it will exhaust you and you will lose yourself in the process.

[Catdancer]

Your wife definitely contributed to this situation. If just the above had happened to me, I'd feel like I was cheated on and she'd need to earn back my trust. Inappropriate conversations? What was in these emails? Does any of the above sound like the behavior of a woman serious about her commitment to you?

 

I"ve had "inappropriate" conversations with others about my sex life and disappointments, both male and female. I didnt sleep with them. I've gone into great great detail as well. And still didnt sleep with the men that I've confided in. You know, as hot and sexy as all you men are, we women were born with the willpower to resist you. And not all of us want to cheat on our partners.

[livinginsbi]

maybe she thinks they are inappropriate NOW that the jack ass friend tried to make a move on her and now the husband is acting like she did something wrong. Seems to me the only thing she did wrong was tell her husband about the attempted kiss.. cause even though she rejected it.. she's going to be treated like a cheater anyway.

 

I feel sorry for her... she thought she was confiding in a friend by discussing a topic with him, and come to find out he was taking it as a signal to make a move on her... oh yeah.. that's her fault for being an attractive, outgoing woman.

[quiz]

It seems like she needs help. It seems like you've done all you can to give her confidence; if she doesn't "feel" it then nothing you can do or say will make her feel better. If it were just for approval of her looks, I think something would have clicked by now. After advances from close friends I think she would have picked up on the fact that she is attractive and stopped at this point.

 

Her desire for approval from a man other than her husband is troublesome. Related question, did you give her any indication that you wanted her to have a breast enlargement procedure? Also, does she have any female friends, I get the feeling from your post that the ratio of female to male friends is more skewed than normal.

[MalibuOne]

She sure seems to be tying her relative value to her looks and the looks of those she can attract. Approval seeking behavior, seems to me. Maybe it makes her feel good to know she can inspire desire in other men. The problem is that perhaps soon, just inspiring desire won't be enough to give her that feeling of value.

[Shidoshi]

Women are very cunning when it comes to things like this. They flirt to see what type of reaction they can get out of a guy, and then claim it was all innocent "fun" and the guy took it the wrong the way.

 

The reason guys tend to have to "assume the sale" is because women force us to. Even if they like a guy, they always behave in very "subtle" ways so that they maintain plausible deniability in case things don't go as planned.

 

Your wife may just be out there teasing but you can't predict how far she'll take it. If you're having trust issues your gut is telling you something, I wouldn't ignore it. At the same time, I wouldn't interrogate her about any of it either, since ultimately it's her decision and you can't negotiate feelings. Just be aware of the signs.