fight over nothing taken wayyyy too far.

[armedwithamind]

i'm nineteen and my boyfriend is twenty. i've been in three relationships which have all lasted over a year and my boyfriend's longest before me was two months. this really causes problems for us because i'm used to being with people who i guess.. know how to be in relationships. we both really care about eachother and are trying to work through our issues but we got into a HORRIBLE fight the night before last and i'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

 

he can be a little possessive and clingy at times, and sometimes i get upset over it because i feel like i shouldn't have to deal with his immaturity, but i know that i have to be patient and people need time to learn these things. it's just frustrating at times when i feel like the issues i have to help him work through are things that i had to deal with when i was fifteen.

 

we were out with some friends having drinks, at the end of the night he wanted to walk me home but i told him he should just go with his friend who was staying over instead of them meeting back at his house. he just kept following me and i got irritated at his irrationality and said something about him being clingy and why couldn't he just leave me alone. we were bickering back and forth all the way up a hill, and he eventually got frustrated and was like FINE GO ON THEN and shoved me and walked past me. i flipped out and shoved him back and we were basically yelling at eachother by this point. i really wanted him to get away from him so i coaxed him into sitting down (he felt sick by this point, again, had been drinking), and i just BOLTED down the road once i got him to sit. once he realized he took off after me and i was terrified at this point because we had already been shoving eachother, etc. i threw my phone at him because i thought it would definitely get him away from me. it hit him right in the face and he picked it up and threw it on the ground and stomped on it and broke it. at that point i was TERRIFIED and picked it up and started hitting him in the back of the head with it. we were basically brawling in the road, screaming at eachother, i was scratching him, he threw me on the ground and i really hurt my leg. he has a gash on his forehead from the phone.

i came home and broke up with him immediately, i was so scared that someone i loved and trusted had done that to me, and also that it existed in me to be that horrible and violent to someone i love.

 

i have to stop being violent, my father was the same way with his anger. he was never physically abusive to me or anyone else in the family though. he gets nonsensically angry to the point where you can't reason with him (i've been told that i'm the only person able to deal with his anger, so i don't understand why i can't deal with my own.) he used to be a boxing coach and i know that used to help him with it too. i just kind of can't control it, although it only happens like once a year. i'll get so upset with someone and i'll do absolutely anything to hurt them, i'll say anything or do anything, etc. otherwise i consider myself a very loving, calm and rational person, this just doesn't make sense to me and it really scares me that this exists in me and i could seriously hurt someone, physically or emotionally.

 

in the past, i was held up against a wall by my throat by a boyfriend, he would punch holes in the wall, threaten to kill himself, etc. i punched him in the face when i found out he cheated on me but nothing like that ever happened after on my part in that relationship. one time i got so upset with a different ex that i shoved him in a ditch like three times while we were walking down the road. when i was 14 i had a boyfriend and we were together for like a year and a half, we used to bend eachother's fingers back like we were going to break them when we fought.. i'm pretty sure it's my fault.

 

the problem seems to be getting worse, this is the first time i've ever really been in a fight with anyone. i've never been in a fight with a girl or anyone who wasn't my boyfriend.

 

 

i really feel like a horrible person. i know what i've done is absolutely unforgivable. i didn't really realize that this was a problem for me before recently. when i punched that guy in the face for cheating on me, -everyone- i told told me not to feel bad and that he deserved it. girls i know have done the same, including my best friend. when i shoved my ex in that ditch, i felt horrible about it the next day but that was the only time i acknowledged that a violent act was completely wrong and accepted full fault for it. the finger bending thing, i don't know, i just thought that was us being young and stupid, it was my first ever relationship and that person and i are best friends now so i don't think it really had a long term effect. we joke about that sometimes. but listing all of those violent acts here REALLY makes me realize that somehow violence has been a problem in all my relationships. i don't know what to do. he wants to get back together sometimes but has second thoughts about it, so do i. both for the reason i mentioned at the top and the abusive reasons.

 

i'm scared of myself and i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. every time i see the gash on his face i actually want to die i feel so awful. the thought of him being hurt for any reason makes me so upset, and knowing that i was the direct cause of it makes my heart just dieeeee. i don't know what to do.

[jraf]

You need to start acting like the mature person you claim to be.

All of this drama simply because your bf wanted to walk you home

 

You might see a counselor about your behaviour.

[armedwithamind]

not once in this did i ever say i was mature. i am trying to be. i'm only nineteen. i don't know what more i can do but try.

 

i think that i will go to a counselor about this. i don't know what else to do.

[velvette]

why were you scared of him when all he did was shove you (with no intention of hurting you, I'm guessing), was walking away already, and was willing to sit down? while he was wrong for being the first to touch you, it is your fault for escalating the fight to that level. perhaps you need some therapy.

 

why were you so set against him walking you home anyway? it's a sweet gesture and it wouldn't have been a big deal for them to just meet up at his house anyway. something doesn't make sense.

[jraf]

You are correct armedwithamind, you didn't say you were mature, I probably read that between the lines.

 

I think your best bet is counseling. It can only help.

[armedwithamind]

honestly i don't want to bicker about the technicalities of the situation. i felt like i was being stalked by some drunk idiot, it didn't seem like a "sweet gesture" at all. i just wanted some advice on how to not let it happen ever again. i already know what i did was horrible. that's why i'm here.

 

i got him to sit down because he was going to be sick and had to. then i used the fact that i knew he couldn't get up as an opportunity to run away. he hadn't walked away already after he shoved me, he was like about to i mean. when he shoved me he was like *shove* FINE GO ON THEN and then i shoved him back.

 

 

he shoved me once before on a different night which i forgot to mention and i got so upset about it and almost broke up with him. the same thing happening again just made me fly off the handle.

[Pinnsvini]

He's your boyfriend, if you genuinely were "terrified" and felt "stalked", regardless of how drunk you both were suggests you shouldn't be with him. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who makes you feel that way during a disagreement?

However you have very serious anger issues that really need to be addressed. Being shoved is not a reason to start flinging items at, running away from and scratching someone up. As it runs in the family I suggest you seriously seek anger management support or counselling, depending on whether you think it is due to generics/a volatile temper, or because you were affected by your dad's anger. I also think this relationship with your boyfriend is really unhealthy, and you shouldn't be with him, seeing as you seem to harbour disgust towards him when you've both been drinking.

Honestly; he was doing what he has been brought up by society as "the right thing". Letting a drunk girl walk home on her own at night is a bad idea, this wasn't him being "clingy" it was him worrying about your safety, quite rightly so in a situation that has led to girls being raped/killed. That's why he was frustated; he was scared for your safety, not posessive or whatever. Your reaction was really unreasonable and highly over-dramatic.

[armedwithamind]

alright we have all made it very clear that i am a horrible person. i feel like one. i'm trying to fix it.

 

i always walk home and he knows that. he wasn't scared for my safety, that was never an issue. we live in a small city. he just wouldn't let me go.

[Daligal83]

When in any kind of relationship, you have to pick your battles. I understand he can be clingy and you just wanted to walk home on your own, but that was definitely not a battle worth fighting. It seems like you just got stubborn and wanted it your way and so did he. I definitely think therapy is the way to go at this point. It's OK if you get mad, but you need to develop more effective coping skills to deal with those moments of anger.

[AbombSnowMan]

wow. so your boyfriend wanted to walk you home and you refused to let him and told him to leave you alone.

 

you notice hes sick from drinking and you use this to your advantage to trick him and run away from him?

 

When he runs after you to see whats wrong with you, you throw a phone at him and beat him over the head with a broken phone?

 

If your asking what to do, imo you should apologize to him. I don't think this is an example of him being clingy or possessive.

 

Also you should change your name to "armedwithaphone"

[HellFrost666]

Wow... this is disturbing, I'll come right out and say it.

 

But since it's advice you're asking for and not validation, maybe you should work at finding better ways to deal with your anger. Have you always had these issues?

[armedwithamind]

maybe you should work at finding better ways to deal with your anger. Have you always had these issues

did you even read the initial post?

 

 

wow well this was completely unhelpful. thanks for the unconstructive criticism everyone. i figured this would act as some type of pre counseling but i guess not.

 

he told me last night he thought it was pretty hot because i fought him like a girl and didn't really hurt him besides scratches. i guess we're both insane. i don't really know what to do but i'm gonna go see a counselor this week.

[armedwithamind]

wow. so your boyfriend wanted to walk you home and you refused to let him and told him to leave you alone.

 

you notice hes sick from drinking and you use this to your advantage to trick him and run away from him?

 

When he runs after you to see whats wrong with you, you throw a phone at him and beat him over the head with a broken phone?

 

If your asking what to do, imo you should apologize to him. I don't think this is an example of him being clingy or possessive.

 

Also you should change your name to "armedwithaphone"

 

were you there? do you know what happened beyond my minimal description? certainly not enough to be rephrasing what went on, apparently?

 

we've obviously apologized to eachother. there was more to the night than that, i only said what i thought was relevant.

 

LOL at that name change, i had actually already thought of it, thanks for your quick witted sense of humor man and also the helpful advice, i'll have to seek your counsel for all my life problems. wow.

](*,)

[HellFrost666]

did you even read the initial post?

 

 

wow well this was completely unhelpful. thanks for the unconstructive criticism everyone. i figured this would act as some type of pre counseling but i guess not.

 

he told me last night he thought it was pretty hot because i fought him like a girl and didn't really hurt him besides scratches. i guess we're both insane. i don't really know what to do but i'm gonna go see a counselor this week.

 

Yes, I read your post.

 

This has only been unhelpful because you clearly don't want help. Good luck.

[armedwithamind]

...what? i posted here because i wanted help and every response is either unconstructive criticism or just people saying i should go to counseling which i already said i was doing anyway. why else would i have bothered typing all this out or coming here at all? that is completely unfair for you to say.

[HellFrost666]

...what? i posted here because i wanted help and every response is either unconstructive criticism or just people saying i should go to counseling which i already said i was doing anyway. why else would i have bothered typing all this out or coming here at all? that is completely unfair for you to say.

 

I never said you should go to counseling. I just said you should find a way to work through your anger issues.

[armedwithamind]

by going to counseling?

 

i've never done anything like that before. do i just show up and be like "hi i'm insane. help fix me." basically?

[HellFrost666]

^ You know what, this is pointless. I never said anything about counseling in my post to you. And I asked if you've always had these issues (a question you never even bothered to answer.) It's obvious nothing I say will get through to you because you are only seeing what you want to see.

 

But, as I said before, good luck. I hope life treats you well.

[armedwithamind]

I just said you should find a way to work through your anger issues.

and i said by going to counseling, i'm clearly not doing too well working through them on my own. i didn't mean to ignore what you said, i just had already explained that i did in the first post. it's been a problem before but not at all frequent and never to this extent. i don't want it to ever get worse i don't ever want to hurt anyone i love ever again.

 

i'm not only "seeing what i want to see", i just see counseling as basically my only option, so yes, that is all i am seeing right now.

 

if you can suggest a helpful alternative or something that could help me in addition to counseling then i would love to hear it. i want to get all the help i can. you said "find a better way to work through it", this is exactly what i'm trying to do. do you know of any effective coping strategies? i would love to hear them.

 

i forgot to mention before that it's kind of like i ..black out? during. not quite like that, i don't know, it's hard to explain. but i just don't know how to stop once i get to a certain level of anger, i feel like someone else entirely, it doesn't even seem like i did it in a way. i find it hard to believe that i was actually capable of that. and as i said before, it hardly ever happens (like once a year), but i just need to never ever let myself get that angry. once i do, i can't calm myself down or talk myself down. that's what i need to be able to do.

[DrKitten]

You are responding sarcastically and with hostility to any advice you don't agree with. Do you think this could be related to your violent reactions? It appears to me that you don't really take a moment to consider other people's perspectives. I'm not trying to speculate, but would you say this is accurate?

 

A big part of changing yourself for the better is listening to and implementing advice that you may not agree with at first. A counselor may tell you a bunch of things you don't like and you'll need to be able to ride through it and take it as a learning experience.

[metrogirl]

I'm wondering if your being drunk made matters worse. Some people that have existing anger issues are far worse when they mix that with alcohol.

[HellFrost666]

I can understand your frustration, really I can. I went to counseling for years trying to work out all my issues, and in the end counseling didn't help me. I started finding my own ways to work through them. In my case it wasn't anger, it was more depression. In your case I think being this angry is a manifestation of a deeper rooted problem.

 

I'll PM you if that's alright. There are a lot of suggestions I can give you.

[jraf]

HellFrost666 is correct in that anger can certainly be a symptom of depression; it was in my case. Nothing else you've posted would indicate depression as being a concern, but it certainly won't hurt to check out that possibility.