armedwithamind Posted June 6, 2010 Share Posted June 6, 2010 i'm nineteen and my boyfriend is twenty. i've been in three relationships which have all lasted over a year and my boyfriend's longest before me was two months. this really causes problems for us because i'm used to being with people who i guess.. know how to be in relationships. we both really care about eachother and are trying to work through our issues but we got into a HORRIBLE fight the night before last and i'm still trying to wrap my head around it. he can be a little possessive and clingy at times, and sometimes i get upset over it because i feel like i shouldn't have to deal with his immaturity, but i know that i have to be patient and people need time to learn these things. it's just frustrating at times when i feel like the issues i have to help him work through are things that i had to deal with when i was fifteen. we were out with some friends having drinks, at the end of the night he wanted to walk me home but i told him he should just go with his friend who was staying over instead of them meeting back at his house. he just kept following me and i got irritated at his irrationality and said something about him being clingy and why couldn't he just leave me alone. we were bickering back and forth all the way up a hill, and he eventually got frustrated and was like FINE GO ON THEN and shoved me and walked past me. i flipped out and shoved him back and we were basically yelling at eachother by this point. i really wanted him to get away from him so i coaxed him into sitting down (he felt sick by this point, again, had been drinking), and i just BOLTED down the road once i got him to sit. once he realized he took off after me and i was terrified at this point because we had already been shoving eachother, etc. i threw my phone at him because i thought it would definitely get him away from me. it hit him right in the face and he picked it up and threw it on the ground and stomped on it and broke it. at that point i was TERRIFIED and picked it up and started hitting him in the back of the head with it. we were basically brawling in the road, screaming at eachother, i was scratching him, he threw me on the ground and i really hurt my leg. he has a gash on his forehead from the phone. i came home and broke up with him immediately, i was so scared that someone i loved and trusted had done that to me, and also that it existed in me to be that horrible and violent to someone i love. i have to stop being violent, my father was the same way with his anger. he was never physically abusive to me or anyone else in the family though. he gets nonsensically angry to the point where you can't reason with him (i've been told that i'm the only person able to deal with his anger, so i don't understand why i can't deal with my own.) he used to be a boxing coach and i know that used to help him with it too. i just kind of can't control it, although it only happens like once a year. i'll get so upset with someone and i'll do absolutely anything to hurt them, i'll say anything or do anything, etc. otherwise i consider myself a very loving, calm and rational person, this just doesn't make sense to me and it really scares me that this exists in me and i could seriously hurt someone, physically or emotionally. in the past, i was held up against a wall by my throat by a boyfriend, he would punch holes in the wall, threaten to kill himself, etc. i punched him in the face when i found out he cheated on me but nothing like that ever happened after on my part in that relationship. one time i got so upset with a different ex that i shoved him in a ditch like three times while we were walking down the road. when i was 14 i had a boyfriend and we were together for like a year and a half, we used to bend eachother's fingers back like we were going to break them when we fought.. i'm pretty sure it's my fault. the problem seems to be getting worse, this is the first time i've ever really been in a fight with anyone. i've never been in a fight with a girl or anyone who wasn't my boyfriend. i really feel like a horrible person. i know what i've done is absolutely unforgivable. i didn't really realize that this was a problem for me before recently. when i punched that guy in the face for cheating on me, -everyone- i told told me not to feel bad and that he deserved it. girls i know have done the same, including my best friend. when i shoved my ex in that ditch, i felt horrible about it the next day but that was the only time i acknowledged that a violent act was completely wrong and accepted full fault for it. the finger bending thing, i don't know, i just thought that was us being young and stupid, it was my first ever relationship and that person and i are best friends now so i don't think it really had a long term effect. we joke about that sometimes. but listing all of those violent acts here REALLY makes me realize that somehow violence has been a problem in all my relationships. i don't know what to do. he wants to get back together sometimes but has second thoughts about it, so do i. both for the reason i mentioned at the top and the abusive reasons. i'm scared of myself and i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. every time i see the gash on his face i actually want to die i feel so awful. the thought of him being hurt for any reason makes me so upset, and knowing that i was the direct cause of it makes my heart just dieeeee. i don't know what to do. 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