I feel ready to move on, but..

[CRX-EF8]

Read the last 2 paragraphs for my question.

 

Hi all. I broke up with my girlfriend about 3 months ago, we were LC for a fair while but have recently been seeing each other a fair bit.

 

She has anxiety issues relating back to her father/childhood, this is pretty much the reason i broke up with her, basically because i didn't really understand what was going on and her issues were making me miserable. Since I broke up with her I've been trying to get back with her, but recently I've come to the point where I feel I want to move on.

 

Our breakup was fairly good, there was little resentment, and since then she has been really positive about her issues, she is seeing someone about them and trying hard to work on herself. Since we started hanging out more often she has been coming to me when she is feeling down 'because she feels comfortable around me and I understand her and always make her feel better'. I try hard to avoid being her doormat, ie not changing my plans to suit her etc, and she has told me 'it means a lot that i still care about her even after she hurt me and she feels so bad for what happened and is selfish for just expecting me to be her friend but she needs me right now'.

 

I feel I am at the point where I don't want to be with her anymore, not just for me but also I feel I can't deal with her issues as her bf, and I don't want to hurt her again because I still care about her so much.

 

Part of me wants to go NC because seeing her sets me back somewhat, and I don't want to get hurt if she starts seeing someone else etc. But at the same time I want to help her through her issues if I can and I don't want to abandon her. Can anyone tell me what the best thing to do is?

 

Thank you.

[waveseer]

You can only do the best you can. Nobody can expect more from you. Take care of yourself first and if this situation causes you too much distress then bow out politely.

[FootofGod]

It is painful, but good that you recognize that there is a problem you cannot handle, and father issues are definitely a big one and she needs to be able to find a man that can deal with that.

 

I think you guys just aren't right for each other. I think NC or LC is your call, but if you're feeling like talking to her is going to bring you back into a cycle, gather your thoughts into a nice letter/email/conversation why you have to and that you still care about her, but it's not going to be healthy for either of you and you're looking out for both of your best interests.

 

Some people say "only worry about you," and that's true to a very real extent, but there's no need to not be polite to your ex just like any other person, especially considering the decent circumstances of your breakup. Do it for you, but assure her it will benefit her, as well and be clear about why.

[coolchick64]

You sound like you're sitting back and waiting for her to deal with her issues, hoping her demands get below some threshold you can tolerate. But you have a bigger role in fixing your relationship than that. It's up to you to establish boundaries in the r/s that work for you as she's dealing with all of it. You can and should be doing more to define the r/s in a way that protects you, so you can be there for her up to some limit. Does this make sense? There needs to be a limit, but it can come from you instead of her.

 

I realize some situations are too much for partners to deal with and maybe that's where you are, but be aware that every woman you meet will have emotional issues from previous relationships/childhood. (Just like all men do.) Working these issues out is a big part of what happens in intimate relationships. It's inevitable. So, rather than focusing on her shortcomings as a partner, why not think about what you can learn to do better yourself in this situation (like practicing setting healthy boundaries!).

 

Actually, this is probably what makes it hard for you to figure out how to end it---because it's too hard for you to say "this is what I need" and trust the other person to deal with it. IMO, your troubles are at least as much about you as they are about her. Not to criticize----more to raise awareness and help you see how much power you really have.

[CRX-EF8]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

Coolchick, I think you're spot on with your first sentence. Its selfish I know but I just don't know how to deal with this sort of stuff, I try to be as empathetic as I can but its hard to know how to fix something when you don't understand it fully. The relationship we had was also making her problems worse, for example she stopped seeing a therapist while we were together and became too dependant on me and pretty much shut out everyone else in her life. If I could help her with her issues while being her bf I would love to do that, but I just have no idea how to approach the situation.

 

The last month of our relationship was awful, she would want to see me all the time, yet the whole time I would be her punching bag. I tried to be supportive as I knew it was not her fault she was acting that way, but it just got worse. On a more selfish level, I don't want to go back to that which is also why I would be somewhat cautious in reconciliation.

 

I do realise that I could have done things better and its not just her problem to deal with if we are in a relationsip, but at the same I just don't know what I can really do to help. I'm not entirely sure what you mean about setting boundaries, would you care to elaborate?

 

I know you're not trying to criticize me, I appreciate your input its definitely thought provoking and gives some perspective to the situation. I look forward to your reply.