Not being invited to weddings

[newwave]

There have been times I haven't been invited to weddings, but the majority of times have been people who weren't close to me. The one time I was not invited thought I should have was when I disapproved of the guy my former best friend was marrying. He was a sloppy high school dropout who had poor hygiene and without a job and I told her she could do better. As a a result she didn't invite me and we are no longer friends (not because of this incidentally, just that the friendship was over). I was hurt she didn't invite me, but in hindsight I don't care anymore.

 

Anyway, my parents just found out that what they thought were so called close friends didn't invite them to their son's wedding. They invited lesser friends (including people that didn't even know the son). My parents are deeply hurt and have severed ties with the couple. No, it wasn't an issue of oversight or anything like that. Basically they not only didn't invite them, they hid it from my parents and my parents found out. It's a large wedding so no excuse about it being small. These were people my parents have had over many times for dinner and invited them to parties.

 

How would you feel? I realize with weddings you can't invite everyone. I know if I marry there is a limit because I don't want to invite many people who aren't close to me and my fiance. That's not the issue here though.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I suppose I would feel very hurt and would realize that the friendship was not what I thought it was. However, on the bright side, you save money because you don't have to buy a gift and you don't have to start looking into buying a new dress etc. In addition, weddings are rather tedious to attend. It is the same old same old..the ceremony, then the endless dinner with the endless speeches, the endless same old same old photos (cutting the cake together, dancing with the father, dancing with the father-in-law...etc etc etc). Then after the wedding you are forced into watching the boring wedding video. Then 5 years later or so you listen to your friend badmouthing her soon to be ex! May be cynical but sadly that is the way it goes for many couples...the big expensive wedding and all the hype, and then the acrimonious divorce several years later.

[itsallgrand]

At this point it would be a relief if no one invited me to their weddings anymore.

 

Seriously tho, I've been hurt before once about a wedding that I was not invited to formally. It was an old friend that I grew up with, we were like siblings growing up. What I got was a lame "you can come if you want" thrown in at the last minute after going to support him and his fiance (raising funds at a party for the couple). Lame.

 

I didn't cut em off for it though. We talked. A wedding is one moment, an important one for sure, but the whole relationship was worth considering before doing anything drastic.

 

If it's the last straw on the camel's back, ok. But not getting invited to a wedding isn't that huge a deal to me personally.

 

I understand in your parents case why they'd be hurt. It's hard to know all that is going on there though and only those involved probably do.

[Mercurial Girl]

Well, the last wedding I have been to/invited to was my mother's when I was 14.

 

I don't think anyone has a right to be upset though to be honest. It's *their* wedding, *their* special day, *their* money paying for each and every guest who attends.

 

I get why someone would feel rejected for not being invited, but I'd sulk over it for 5 minutes and then move on, because really who am I to expect to attend someone else' special day?

[newwave]

Yeah that's why I don't like weddings myself unless it's someone I like. I told my parents that the good thing is at least they know what the couple thinks of them. It stinks, but better than pretending the friendship is still there. I have noticed now that you mention it, that many of the big weddings end up in divorce. One family friend got married in a lavish wedding with ice sculptures and they divorced less than a year later. I wonder if this marriage will last only because both are career driven yuppies and some of those marriages don't last (I used to be a yuppie myself). The only wedding video I watched was my brother and sister in laws (I was a bridesmaid) because otherwise they are boring.

[Miss Firecracker]

OMG! Memories of weddings. It's been so many YEARS I have forgotten. I'd rather bang my head in a door.

 

But yes, that would certainly end a "friendship" for me also.

[RedDress]

There have been weddings that I have not been invited to that I really thought I should have been... I haven't let that end any friendships. It altered them, though...

 

Basically, as others have mentionned, weddings are expensive. You can't invite everyone. You just can't. Cuts have to be made and people have to be understanding about these cuts.

 

Of course... sometimes (like in the case of you parents where "lesser" friends are invited) it just kind of shows you the place they hold in their lives. That's when it's time to just take note and conduct the friendship accordingly. Don't put more emphasis on a relationship than others do, I guess.

 

It's hurtful but you kind of have to understand where they are coming from. Besides... they are not friends with the son. They are friends with the parents. It's kind of "right" that they might not be invited...

[newwave]

No, it's not right they weren't invited. They know the son, but many of the other friends don't. Lesser friends of theirs (acquaintances really) who don't know the son were invited but my parents (who supposedly were friends) weren't. If it was an issue of my parents not being invited but the others not being invited that would be another thing. Not the case here. I get that weddings can't invite everyone, but when you exclude long time friends who know the son to invite people who aren't close friends, then yeah that is rotten.

[shes2smart]

I'm having that "I come from another planet" feeling again.

 

Personally, I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume I "should" be invited to anything that someone else is planning/hosting, regardless of what their relationship is to me. It's their wedding/reception/bar or bat mitzvah/baby shower/christening/coming out party/birthday/anniversary/pool party, etc. and it's not my place to decide who should or shouldn't be invited.

 

Looked at that way, there can be no hurt feelings if I'm not invited. The hurt feelings come from the disappointment of having expectations that were not met. Don't have the expectations, so no disappointment and no hurt feelings.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people would choose to approach it otherwise.

[Mercurial Girl]

I'm having that "I come from another planet" feeling again.

 

Personally, I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume I "should" be invited to anything that someone else is planning/hosting, regardless of what their relationship is to me. It's their wedding/reception/bar or bat mitzvah/baby shower/christening/coming out party/birthday/anniversary/pool party, etc. and it's not my place to decide who should or shouldn't be invited.

 

Looked at that way, there can be no hurt feelings if I'm not invited. The hurt feelings come from the disappointment of having expectations that were not met. Don't have the expectations, so no disappointment and no hurt feelings.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people would choose to approach it otherwise.

 

Exactly. You said it way way better than I ever could have.

[newwave]

I'm having that "I come from another planet" feeling again.

 

Personally, I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume I "should" be invited to anything that someone else is planning/hosting, regardless of what their relationship is to me. It's their wedding/reception/bar or bat mitzvah/baby shower/christening/coming out party/birthday/anniversary/pool party, etc. and it's not my place to decide who should or shouldn't be invited.

 

Looked at that way, there can be no hurt feelings if I'm not invited. The hurt feelings come from the disappointment of having expectations that were not met. Don't have the expectations, so no disappointment and no hurt feelings.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people would choose to approach it otherwise.

 

No, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN INVITED IF LESSER FRIENDS WERE. That's the issue. If other people had been excluded, like my parents, then yes it makes sense.

 

Sometimes I think people just love arguing with me. This was an injustice done to my parents. The couple invited everyone else my parents know except my parents. There's nothing wrong with my parents except they aren't judgemental like this couple.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I think the people who didnt invite them will get a lot of enquiries from their mutual friends on the day about the whereabouts of your parents, and then they will have to explain they werent invited and the inevitable uncomfortable silences or looks will follow.

 

Its very upsetting for your parents but I'm sure that after the wedding they will get to hear a reason for their omission that eminates from the wedding and this may help them get to the bottom of it.

 

good luck, Hope x

[Mercurial Girl]

I don't see how it is an "unjustice" done to your parents. Are your parents paying for the wedding?

 

If I'm spending thousands of dollars on a party to celebrate my marriage, I can choose to invite a bunch of random people off the street and no one should have a problem with it because it's *MY* wedding, *MY* money.

 

Maybe there *is* something "wrong" with your parents. I'm not implying that there is, of course, because I don't know your parents at all! But perhaps they said something that was taken out of context by this couple one day, and the couple made a decision not to invite your parents based on that. It could be a lot of factors, really. We don't know.

 

And really, is it worth losing sleep over a wedding? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, how important is this?

[newwave]

I think the people who didnt invite them will get a lot of enquiries from their mutual friends on the day about the whereabouts of your parents, and then they will have to explain they werent invited and the inevitable uncomfortable silences or looks will follow.

 

Its very upsetting for your parents but I'm sure that after the wedding they will get to hear a reason for their omission that eminates from the wedding and this may help them get to the bottom of it.

 

good luck, Hope x

 

I have a feeling they will hear from mutual friends about this and find out why. I think it will be funny when the mutual friends ask where my parents are. My parents have been trying to go over any reason why they weren't invited and can't figure out one. My mother brought up something that's interesting. Every year they have them and a mutual couple friend (who were invited) over for a Christmas get together. The woman from the couple who didn't invite them was talking to the other woman friend about the upcoming shower. My mother said at the time she didn't pay attention to it because she wouldn't have gone to the shower anyway. Now she wonders if the shower was brought up to be nasty.

[newwave]

I don't see how it is an "unjustice" done to your parents. Are your parents paying for the wedding?

 

If I'm spending thousands of dollars on a party to celebrate my marriage, I can choose to invite a bunch of random people off the street and no one should have a problem with it because it's *MY* wedding, *MY* money.

 

Maybe there *is* something "wrong" with your parents. I'm not implying that there is, of course, because I don't know your parents at all! But perhaps they said something that was taken out of context by this couple one day, and the couple made a decision not to invite your parents based on that. It could be a lot of factors, really. We don't know.

 

And really, is it worth losing sleep over a wedding? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, how important is this?

 

Very important, it cost the couple my parents as friends. There's nothing wrong with my parents.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I have a feeling they will hear from mutual friends about this and find out why. I think it will be funny when the mutual friends ask where my parents are. My parents have been trying to go over any reason why they weren't invited and can't figure out one. My mother brought up something that's interesting. Every year they have them and a mutual couple friend (who were invited) over for a Christmas get together. The woman from the couple who didn't invite them was talking to the other woman friend about the upcoming shower. My mother said at the time she didn't pay attention to it because she wouldn't have gone to the shower anyway. Now she wonders if the shower was brought up to be nasty.

 

but if they were talking about the shower in front of your Mum, maybe she didnt realise your Mum wasnt invited?, and you dont think maybe the invite has actually gone astray somehow and the people dont realise? it may have

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If I'm spending thousands of dollars on a party to celebrate my marriage, I can choose to invite a bunch of random people off the street and no one should have a problem with it because it's *MY* wedding, *MY* money.

 

I guess this is what they call the "me generation"! Yes, theoretically you are correct...but in life there is also such a thing as etiquette, social graces and appropriate behaviour...that goes with invitations as well.

 

Years ago I had a friend who was the self-proclaimed "leader". She chose who got invited and who didn't whenever there were outings. She would invite those people who were beneficial to her...since she didn't drive, she made sure to invite someone who had a car. One time we were all going out to dinner and there were 3 coupons for a buy one get one free. There were 5 of us going so it would mean that we would have split one of the coupons three ways. Instead, she decided to invite someone she would normally not invite just so that there would be the extra person and she wouldn't have to split 3 ways making it more expensive for her. Another time she had a get-together and excluded a certain group of people. Then a few months later this other group of people had a get-together and excluded her...and she was really hurt!

 

So excluding people you are supposed to be friends with while including more distant acquaintances is not really a good practice unless you are okay with having the friendship damaged.

[newwave]

but if they were talking about the shower in front of your Mum, maybe she didnt realise your Mum wasnt invited?, and you dont think maybe the invite has actually gone astray somehow and the people dont realise? it may have

 

I thought of that, but the way it was handled makes that not a possibility. My mom said if that had happened they likely would have asked them why they haven't responded. Also, the other day a mutual friend mentioned going to the wedding, then he kind of made a face as if he wasn't supposed to mention it. By what my mom said she didn't realize the shower was actually for the couple getting married because she wasn't actually in the conversation (she was cooking things). These two women (especially the mother of the guy getting married) always makes the conversation about her.

[newwave]

Exactly. I do know that when I marry I'll have to include people I'd prefer not to. By this I mean a few relatives who are close in terms of family tree (like my dad's sister and brother) but can sometimes annoy me. My parents also have a few friends that I'm personally not close to, but they are and my parents will include them. These are all people that would be devastated if they weren't included. I also know that my parents will give me several thousand for the wedding just to make sure that they aren't excluded. I don't think this would have bothered my parents if it was a small wedding and only close friends of the bride and groom were included. This wasn't the case and it has destroyed what's left of the friendship. Not even so much that they were excluded, but also that they were hiding it, knowing it would hurt my parents.

 

Your friend sounds like she has an superiority complex. Kind of reminds me of this couple, at least the wife.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

ok.

 

Also, it must be very awkward for the friends who are talking about it to her and then realise they shouldnt. Its almost like they talk without thinking then remember a conversation where they were told they werent meant to. Its all very odd if you ask me.

 

awww your poor Mum. I'm feeling for her, and I hope she meets some lovely friends who really appreciate her. best wishes, Hope x

[newwave]

ok.

 

Also, it must be very awkward for the friends who are talking about it to her and then realise they shouldnt. Its almost like they talk without thinking then remember a conversation where they were told they werent meant to. Its all very odd if you ask me.

 

awww your poor Mum. I'm feeling for her, and I hope she meets some lovely friends who really appreciate her. best wishes, Hope x

 

Thanks. Yes, I told her that these aren't friends at all and now they realize. My father told the one mutual friend that they are deeply hurt and will never speak to the other couple again (they will speak to the mutual couple because they did nothing wrong). It's really sad because they were all close and my parents actually introduced both couples and they became better friends. That happens, but they never thought they'd be excluded like this, especially when they found out people that the couple weren't close to were invited.

[shes2smart]

...but in life there is also such a thing as etiquette, social graces and appropriate behaviour...that goes with invitations as well.

 

Rules which some people will choose to follow, and some will not.

 

Rather than hold expectations about other people's behavior, I keep my expectations low. Then, when other people don't behave in a way I may believe they "should," it's not a concern for anything longer than about 30 seconds.

 

30 seconds of upset vs. a longer period of time and all the drama.

 

I'll go with the 30 seconds. It gives me more time I coud be spending doing things I find agreeable/enjoyable.

 

Not trying to start any arguements, just suggesting there are other ways things can be looked at that wouldn't result in quite so much upset.

[newwave]

The end result is my parents completely severed the friendship. They did the right thing.

[Batya33]

Ugh. This is why I knew my choice was either a big wedding or a tiny one. I went with the latter, couldn't be happier. OP - be happy you weren't invited - it's not a close friend and so you don't have to spend the time going to the shower, the party, buying a gift, travel time, etc. Yes, if it was your closest friend then I could relate to feeling disappointed if it wasn't a tiny wedding. As far as your friend who didn't invite you because you dissed her fiancee, of course she was right not to. People who are there should be people who are supportive of the couple.

[abitbroken]

If someone who are your parents friends have a son that is getting married, the son and his bride are choosing the guest list for the most part. The parents may have some input, but the people who are closer to the son and his wife to be will be invited. There is no such thing as "lesser friends." If the couple that is invited they do not see as often as they see your parents, but they were more a part of the son's growing up or life, that is going to be who is invited. My dad has close friends that I don't really know . Will they be invited to my wedding? Nope.

 

My mom and dad are invited to my sister's best friend's wedding (they have been best friend's since they were 7 years old and my parents have a close relationship with her like she is a daughter. she has gone on vacations with our family over the years, etc. and even though she has moved she talks to my mom). However, some people who are close friends of the bride's parents, but aren't that close with the bride are NOT invited no matter if they see the bride's parents weekly.

 

As far as your former best friend - if you guys are not friends anymore, of course you are not going to be invited to her wedding. Also, if you were mean to her about the guy, that is for sure a no. People want folks to be at their wedding who wish the couple well, not think one of them is a loser. And when the guest list is limited, family is invited first and friends second. That's just the way it is.

 

If on the other hand, a sibling is getting married and you were not invited, then THAT is something to complain about.