ziggie31 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Hey all, I'm stuck at a real crossroads right now. For those who don't know, my bf and I broke up about two weeks ago. He was upset that I was too clingy and stressful, and he's the one that dumped me. I've been focusing a lot of energy into trying to get him back and into making myself a better person. Well, I've kinda come to a point where I'm starting to feel impatient. I think I've done a lot of what he's wanted and I haven't seen much from him. I love him and would love for us to reconcile, but I don't want to sit around for him while he makes up his mind. I've gone NC (easy enough since he's out of town for the time being and prob doesn't even have reception on his phone) and now I'm ready for him to come after me. If he doesn't put enough into it, I don't want to waste my time. Here's where it gets complicated: last night I went camping with a big group of friends, including an ex (we dated over 2 years ago for only 5 days, it was just a silly high school relationship, nothing serious whatsoever). He and I hit it off really well and honestly it was tough to resist doing anything with him, because I'm very certain we could have. The most that happened was we ended up sleeping in the same tent and he was running his hand all over my body, including my breasts. I was drunk and half-asleep so I didn't do as much to stop it as I could or should have. So, now I'm torn if I should keep holding out for my ex or embrace being single and pursue a rebound with this guy. I'm a very loyal and loving person and I feel bad enough about what happened between me and this guy, so I don't want to rebound unless there's closure from my ex that he no longer wants to reconcile with me. I know if he had a rebound, it would upset me deeply and really hurt our chances of getting back together in the future. So I don't want to mess up what we have with a short fling. But, I also don't want to be stuck waiting while he takes his sweet time deciding if he wants me again or not. To me it's pretty cut and dry, either you love someone or you don't, and if you love them you should want to be with them, especially since I've already done so much that he's asked of me. I don't know how long I should keep waiting for him though, I'm tired of being trapped in this weird limbo. What should I do?
Cadence44 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 No, since you already know it's a rebound and are referring to it as such. Unless the "rebound" is on board and well aware of what he is to you (no giving him even the slightest hope that it's something more or that it will turn into something more), it's simply not fair to do to another person. It's extremely selfish to use another person in that way. Be courageous enough to be single and get yourself straightened out before pursuing another relationship.
ziggie31 Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 No, since you already know it's a rebound and are referring to it as such. Unless the "rebound" is on board and well aware of what he is to you (no giving him even the slightest hope that it's something more or that it will turn into something more), it's simply not fair to do to another person. It's extremely selfish to use another person in that way. Be courageous enough to be single and get yourself straightened out before pursuing another relationship. For the record, I don't want another relationship now, more like a summer fling. I'm pretty sure he's after the same thing but I suppose I'm not 100% certain, and I would def make sure the air's clear before misleading anyone. This is all hypothetical anyway, so let's just assume he and I are both after the same thing for the sake of this discussion
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 He was upset that I was too clingy and stressful Being clingy with a boyfriend indicates that you are afraid of being alone and that you need a man to complete you. It is a sign of low self-esteem and neediness. In two week how do you think you made changes in your clinginess? You claim to have made changes and yet if he doesn't want you back you will immediately be with someone else even though you know it is a rebound....that shows that you haven't really changed at all...you are still needy and looking for a man, any man to complete you. How about truly being single by not having any man and just focusing on learning how to be happy on your own. Learn to be a complete person without a man so that a man complements your life rather than completes it. As for your ex...it sounds to me like he may not be looking for a relationship anyway, just sex.
Cadence44 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 For the record, I don't want another relationship now, more like a summer fling. I'm pretty sure he's after the same thing but I suppose I'm not 100% certain, and I would def make sure the air's clear before misleading anyone. This is all hypothetical anyway, so let's just assume he and I are both after the same thing for the sake of this discussion Okay, hypothetically then: CAD is right. Now is an excellent time to work on yourself without having a man to depend on. Get to a place on self-worth even without a man in your life. Thinking about rebounding means that you're still looking for a person as a source of support.
ziggie31 Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 You have some valid points, I just do want to clear up that my ex definitely isn't using me for sex (he REFUSES to get physical with me at all unless we're back together) and it's not that I want this guy to complete me, because I don't want anything serious with him. Just a summer fling to have some fun and help distract me.
itsallgrand Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Yeah, I agree with CAD. Of course you can and might go ahead and have a summer fling or two anyways. That's your choice. But in my opinion it will delay the inevitable. You are going to have to deal with this sometime. And if I may say, as someone who went that route when I was younger: picking up rebounds and flings in your situation can lead to extra problems and baggage than you might expect down the road. I'm talking about when you do find you are ready to meet someone else for something serious. I'd suggest trying to look at this from the long view. Right now all sorts of emotions are rollercoasting within you, and it can be hard not acting off what is in front of your face. But, if you are patient you can avoid cheating yourself - which I think rebounding now would do.
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 You have some valid points, I just do want to clear up that my ex definitely isn't using me for sex (he REFUSES to get physical with me at all unless we're back together) and it's not that I want this guy to complete me, because I don't want anything serious with him. Just a summer fling to have some fun and help distract me. Sorry...I meant the ex ex that you slept close to that had his hands all over you. As for the summer fling bit to have fun and distraction...that is all part of the clinginess/neediness. Why can't you find other distractions such as hobbies. Why does the distraction have to be casual with sex and attention from another ex?
FootofGod Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 If you were more well on your way to recovery I'd say "hey, get yourself laid if you feel like it," but I must agree with everybody else. You need to learn your lessons solo before you walk down the intimacy road in any way, shape, or form.
Maverick44 Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Honestly, I'm probably going to be the only one who will tell you to go for it. While I am all for improving yourself, be alone, etc.., if you let this guy know what the gist of the relationship is and can hold true to it being a fling for you (i.e. you will have to work on not eventually letting your emotions overwhelm you), then go for it. However, I'd say the likelihood you can do the above is just unlikely. On the other hand, if you want to have a few days to 2-week encounter before the emotions get involved, then enjoy it. Go have sex for sex sake but not for a 'relationship'. MANY people do exactly just as you described and can end up fine. While people would say you are 'emotionally stronger' for being alone, etc... there is truth to that. I'd say the majority don't actually live it, though. I'd also say that you have to accept that you're broken up with your bf. You have to operate under the idea that you won't get back together. If it changes his mindset of you, guess he shouldn't have broken up with you. As for your view on him, he won't remain with no women in the future either. Maverick
itsallgrand Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Maverick has a point. What concerned me and had me thinking this really isn't a good idea for you is the situation you described with the guy from long ago. That is a way to get into trouble. Drinking, and next thing you know letting him fondle you basically. It's very passive and "take whatever comes this way" .....and it's just concerning. People end up hurt from situations like that, and I'm not talking about in regards to wanting more as far as a relationship goes. I'm talking about when a guy has so little respect for you, and you start behaving with little self respect, that bad things happen. I hope you don't take this as my downing on you. Just thought I'd mention that in case you weren't aware of it while doing it, which is usually the case until later.
ziggie31 Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 Thanks for the replies, everyone. It looks like I still have a whole lot to think about. I'll also talk to my most recent ex within the next couple of weeks and see where he stands with me. I love him and would hate to break his heart, but I agree with Maverick that if he didn't want me to be single, he shouldn't have dumped me... of course, accepting that things are over also means a lot of heartbreak for me too. It's a tough compromise
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