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So for the past year after the break up, I've had this mindset that my ex completely forgot about my existence. I kept thinking she forgot about what we had and who we were together. It was a desolate feeling, and I felt pretty much like all the things I did and all my effort was gone to waste.


I just learned yesterday from a friend that apparently she talks about me a lot, but negatively. I guess she hates my guts and has reason to think however she does about me. Is that how most break ups are? I guess I wasn't the best boyfriend in the world and so that's why she dumped me. Well anyway, to be honest, I feel a bit better knowing she hates me rather than apathy. For the past year, I had such a hollow in me for so long that I think if anything, I could be the one who feels apathy towards her.

Although at the same time, I don't really want her to hate my guts so much that there's no reconciliation for us ever again, not even as friends or something. Reconciliation still feels hopeless if she hates me.

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After a breakup a dumper will emphasize the dumpee's negative traits in order to justify their decision to break up with you. She may be worried about how her actions will affect the opinion of mutual friends so she's continually justifying her decision to end things.


Regardless, if you feel you've behaved in an upstanding way, who cares how she talks about you or whether she hates you? Your mutual friends, if they are good friends, will have the sense to take what she says with a grain of salt.

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The dumper (and woman in particular) tend to demonize the ex to make it easier on themselves.


It is possible you really sucked as a boyfriend, but even if you were the best possible lover you would still be demonized by your ex.


I agree with your sentiments that it is some ways better for her to hate you than to have complete apathy. Its like the old saying, love and hate are really two sides of the same coin and their true opposite is apathy.


Dreaming of still having some kind of relationship is hopeless and can only hurt things. Even if you some how magically were friends, the intense feelings you still have would torment you to no end with her still around and yet beyond your reach. As sad and painful as it is, it is better that she be completely out of your life.


I once had a situation similar to the what you described (though I'm sure details are a world apart). I went through a few different mindsets in my journey to try to get over her (if you could even say that was my true goal during alot of these different stages).


In the end, even though I never really felt malice towards her, I decided to take up the mindset that living well is the best revenge. Not in the sense that I wanted to hurt her, but in the sense that I would be as successful and accomplished as I could possibly be so that in the off chance we ever crossed paths again I would somehow show her up with how awesome my life turned out. This mindset does have its short comings in that as much as I focus on my life I never really leave her, but as my life became more busy and I took on greater challenges I simply had less time and emotional energy left to dwell on her.


As time goes on it has become less about her and more about me, which I guess is the goal. Despite all this, there still hasn't been a day when she hasn't crossed my mind at least once, and for that I don't think I ever really will show her up.

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She left you, but now you hear she is spreading hate about you? Take it as her way of coping with hurt. What about now, there is nothing you can do if she doesn't choose to talk to you about it.


So that is her deal.


Unfortunately, a lot of break ups leave with unresolved feelings on one end or both. Either someone pining or resenting or something, or both with unresolved feelings.


But that isn't how all break ups are. Some can be pretty good. Both people putting everything on the table and at least giving each other a chance to communicate and work at it before leaving. That way people tend to carry less with them when they leave.


You are both young, and emotions are extra sharp in the early twenties! Try to put it out of mind bc the truth is things can change on a dime sometimes. No one can predict how someone else will feel down the road, so nothing is impossible (as far as being friends or friendly at least in the future).


Right now she's just got to deal with her hurt and you can't do a thing about that.

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Reconciliation would be tougher if she felt indifferent. I believe that indifference is the opposite of love, and that love and hate are on a fine line.


If she hates you, that's her problem. You are doing what you're doing, living your life, so try your best not to worry about it.

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