Who breaks NC, the dumper or dumpee?

[rollingalong]

Hi Time2Shine,

 

it is complex and very hard to answer to be honest. If you act nice she might think you got over the break up and that you can stay friends, so she might start acting nice and you will think there's a chance to get back together. If you are cold she might think you are mad and don't want to speak with her again and could move on if she ever had any hopes/thoughts of coming back. So there you go, more options, no answers...

 

the_dawn

So, if you contacted your ex a few times after breaking up with them (within the first few weeks) and they finally where so cold and distant that they just ignored you and you right then and there stopped contacting them, should you be the one to initate contact now?

I broke up with him, but I wanted to try to stay friends like he wanted. It's been a few months and I would like to contact him. Should I go for it, or do I have to wait for him?

[Georgia99]

I am the dumpee and so badly want to call and see him. It's been only three weeks. I know it's not a good idea, and it needs to come from him, I just miss him I guess.

[everyday21]

I was curious on this too. My ex and I have been in nc for 3 months. She dumped me. I would really like to start talking to her again. However I don't know if should initiate or her. She is kind of the girl that thinks the man should do the calling and initiating. However for the first few weeks I tried to talk to her and she was getting annoyed so I decided to back off and go nc. So should I send her an email or something just saying hey and letting her know that she can call me if she wants to talk sometime. Or should I keep going nc and just hope that she initiate contact?

[endy]

Here's my general rule. As a dumpee you don't break NC until you are completely healed, don't pine for them anymore and don't need them in your life. If you want to call to catch up etc, then text them and ask how they are doing. Say you're going here to a paticular place for coffee etc, if you would like to catch up.

 

This usually involves 6 months, and I would seriously recommend a year of NC before even thinking about contacting an ex as a dumpee.

 

Recently I had an ex of 7 years contact me, and she was a dumpee. We chatted about her being married having a kid, and she admitted that she never knew what she had until she I was gone, and still had feelings for me. However, with her situation I advised her she should probably work on her current relationship until she knows for a fact it's just not going to get any better.

 

I would advise really never to break NC as a dumpee but every person/relationship is different. You know your ex's personality. They may have too much pride to do it, or not know how to or be scared. However it's still important to heal, get back on your own two feet and be attractive again IF you are going to do this. Would you be with a broken person, or want to be? Neither will your ex. They don't want to be put on a pedestal, and they don't want someone that needs them for happiness.

 

So in this case, 2 months is way too early. Multiply that by 6 and then see if you want to contact them then. In the process and usually if you heal, move on, change for the better and stop putting your ex's feelings/actions before your own and focus on yourself... Sometimes dumpers come back in my experience. I'm the type of person that is done talking when a breakup occurs. I don't try to contact them ever again if I was dumped usually. I've heard from ex's, and some I haven't heard from.

 

So the message is go NC. Wait a year and heal, make sure you're fine with or without them, date etc. One random day contact them, but it's got to be your goal to go NC to heal, not to get them back. When you are done thinking about them every day etc, go ahead and contact them. You should be prepared for any and everything. I would probably say usually as a dumpee it has a good chance of not working out. If a dumper does call you etc then it has a better chance IMO and experience.

 

Usually after a year or less as a dumpee, all hope is gone, and you don't even want them back anymore or you meet someone better and they come running back because you've healed and gotten back to who you were when you first met them...

 

This portion of the forum is not supposed to be about how to get an ex back either. It's about what to do while in reconciliation or in the process. If you're asking these types of questions you're better off in the healing section or breaking up section of the forum.

 

Also to answer the above. If your ex loves you, and is thinking about you enough. They are most likely going to suck it up and contact you if they were the dumper. Think about it, put yourself in that situation. What would you do if you dumped someone, realized they may be mad, but you made a mistake? Would you be able to live with, I shouldn't contact them to tell them because they may still be mad at me?

 

NC combined with time, and working on yourself is a great tool. You attract what you give off. When you are pining for your ex, and longing for them back, it's never a good thing to break it. Kick them off your pedestal, put yourself up there. The show goes on, with or without them.

[wolflovesmoon]

Does that apply on short time relationships,, i`ve known/ dated her for couple months, she dumped me because i gave her a reason to, i am going thru NC but i don`t think going for six months or a year will work for the best.. i may go for couple weeks and initiate contact..

I told her i wont be texting/ calling ( when we broke up she have said leave me alone thru text but call immediately after it) as usually,, 4 days later ) 4 days of NC) she called me.. it was fun conversation and just spoke about general things, nothing about the relationship.. i am giving her as much space and time she needs,, going to a modeling casting this weekend and was thinking about asking her if she want to come along.. what determine the length of the NC period..? and in my case should i give up and maintain NC or try to get her back..

[endy]

How short of a time? The above would apply to a relationship of 6 months or more. In other words a significant relationship where the people may know each other pretty well.

 

I would have to know your story to respond, but it sounds like you may have just been dating? NC is just for you to heal and move on. It's not about how to get them back. In your case if it wasn't that serious and short lived ask her to meet up and see how she reacts? You may want to go Non-initiated-contact (NIC) if it was only a real short relationship.

[madine]

Endy, would you think the best time to get back in touch with your ex is when you feel you are actually doing quite good? Most people would get the urge to contact their ex at a moment they are feeling low. Let's say six months to a year has passed and you've had a great week or so. Maybe got a new job, graduated, etcetera... Would that not be the perfect moment to send 'em a little 'what's up?'.

[wolflovesmoon]

How short of a time? The above would apply to a relationship of 6 months or more. In other words a significant relationship where the people may know each other pretty well.

 

I would have to know your story to respond, but it sounds like you may have just been dating? NC is just for you to heal and move on. It's not about how to get them back. In your case if it wasn't that serious and short lived ask her to meet up and see how she reacts? You may want to go Non-initiated-contact (NIC) if it was only a real short relationship.

we dated but then we spoke about becoming boyfriend/ girlfriend.. everybody knows at certain point, included her mom. i know NC should be just for me. but that in case she left me for what we say, Greener grace in the other side, confusion,, or ,, or,, she decided not to be with me because i did some stupid mistakes,, she never want to stop contact but i wanted to give her space. when i asked to see her she said she was not ready, i have not asked that again for 3 weeks now.. i just want to be with her. i love her and i know/ feel she loves me still.. But after all IF she never comes back, NC should work for my own good.

[endy]

Endy, would you think the best time to get back in touch with your ex is when you feel you are actually doing quite good? Most people would get the urge to contact their ex at a moment they are feeling low. Let's say six months to a year has passed and you've had a great week or so. Maybe got a new job, graduated, etcetera... Would that not be the perfect moment to send 'em a little 'what's up?'.

 

Here's the deal madine, you want to contact the ex when you're seriously ready for another relationship with someone else... When there's not more pining, needing, wanting, and longing for them back. It's just not attractive. Most people want to contact them right away because they are going through an abandonment. It's normal. When you're completely through that, worked on yourself, and like you said got a new job, graduated, something good... and you feel great about yourself that would be the time to drop them a line as a dumpee. Obviously if there was cheating etc, I wouldn't even advise that.

 

6 months is the minimum to me. I'm completely over my ex, however she crosses my mind from time to time. I won't know if I've fixed my issues until I get into another relationship. It's been about 6 months, but I'm not looking for a new relationship yet, but if it presented itself I may give it a go. I really would wait a year even before you reach out as a dumpee, if they contact you in that time, play it cool and see where it goes.

 

That would be the ideal time to contact them to me anyways. The reason being is because you are more attractive in all ways when you get you back. Like when you first met them... As people I believe we attract like to us. So if you love yourself, you feel good about yourself, you're going to attract the same type of person.

 

If you're feeling low, pining, wanting, and needing them etc, it's going to cause your ex to be pushed even further away with or without contact. I believe in something called the Law of Attraction. It's very real to me, and I use it. It explains why I attracted the same type of person over and over again.

[endy]

we dated but then we spoke about becoming boyfriend/ girlfriend.. everybody knows at certain point, included her mom. i know NC should be just for me. but that in case she left me for what we say, Greener grace in the other side, confusion,, or ,, or,, she decided not to be with me because i did some stupid mistakes,, she never want to stop contact but i wanted to give her space. when i asked to see her she said she was not ready, i have not asked that again for 3 weeks now.. i just want to be with her. i love her and i know/ feel she loves me still.. But after all IF she never comes back, NC should work for my own good.

 

If you just dated and you love someone that is just the feeling of being in love. I don't consider that loving someone. As far as you knowing she loves you, if that was true don't you think she would be with you? If she didn't want to stop contact then why did you? I don't understand. Why did it go south? I would probably not contact her until she contacts you, and just begin moving on. That's what I would do in that situation anyways. More detail, and I will respond again.