Who breaks NC, the dumper or dumpee?

[Civic204]

I would think the dumper would be the one who should break NC, but are there times when the dumpee should do it first?

[mrshuma]

dumpee should never break NC - I haven't seen one situation where that ended up working out.

[Civic204]

dumpee should never break NC - I haven't seen one situation where that ended up working out.

 

So I guess it's a bad idea to offer to make dinner for an ex after 2 months of NC?

[mrshuma]

I think its the worst thing you can do IMO

[mrshuma]

she broke up with you, she knows how you feel about her. Unless she comes back and wants to reconcile then I would stay away. You have done great at 2 months NC so don't ruin that progress.

[DN]

Depends on the circumstances but it should usually be the dumper. There may be times where someone got dumped because of behaviour they regret.

[Civic204]

Yeah, I figured it would have to be the dumper too reinitiate contact. I guess one reason I ask is because some of the "get her back" type of literature out there suggests NC, then the dumpee initiate contact after NC.

[vivia12]

dumpee should never break NC - I haven't seen one situation where that ended up working out.

 

 

Amen to that! i believe the one who rejects need to initiate contact,or the rejectee will lose. I have a friend who just sent his ex flowers for her birthday ,after 5 months of NC,and did she at least thank him? tune in for the next show because it hasnt happened yet. Dont put yourself out there to be more rejected,head on that NC highway and don't look back.

[abigheart]

I needed to read this thread, thanks everybody.

 

Question - What if the dumper has the kind of personality where he thinks too much about what the other person feels? And what if the dumper lets the DUMPEE know when he/she is ready to initiate contact?!

 

I finally (after 2 months of flip-flopping and going against my word about NC then being friendly) announced NC to him. But I have a good feeling he won't ever contact me b/c there may be a chance he's waiting for ME to do it? I did, however, let him know that if he ever has a change of heart, he shouldn't hesitate to contact me even if we're not on speaking terms.

 

Should I just stick to the NC guns and let it ride out?

[floridafan]

I would think the dumper would be the one who should break NC, but are there times when the dumpee should do it first?

 

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, the dumper usually knows that the dumpee wants them back. In this situaiton I agree that the dumper should be the one to reach out. However, after a significant period of NC, the lines between dumper and dumpee can become blurred. Once it is no longer clear that the dumpee would take back the dumper, how can it still be on them? Both parties would have the fear of rejection (after all, the fear of rejection is why most dumpees WOULDN'T reach out, right?).

 

I have been the dumper, gone through NC for a long period of time, regetted the breakup and missed her, and still been too scared to do anything about it. Most dumpees will reach a point where they can accept the reasons for the breakup and, usually, even agree with them. In this sense, the only difference between the dumper and dumpee is that the dumper was simply the first to realize that the relationship was broken. Every person is different, as is every relationship, but after a long period of NC where neither party has hinted at still having feelings for the other, it seems that there ultimately becomes very little difference between the dumper and the dumpee.

[mrshuma]

The only time the dumpee should EVER break NC is when they have totally moved on and healed. At that point it doesn't really matter, the dumpee probably doesn't even want to contact the dumper anyway.

[DN]

The only time the dumpee should EVER break NC is when they have totally moved on and healed.

I disagree if the dumpee did something to precipitate the split in the first place.

 

For instance - suppose someone neglects their partner, or didn't contribute as much as they should have to the relationship? Finally, their partner has had enough and dumps them. If the dumpee realises their mistake(s) it may be that contacting the dumper to apologise or try to fix what they did may be the thing that reignites the relationship.

[mrshuma]

I disagree if the dumpee did something to precipitate the split in the first place.

 

For instance - suppose someone neglects their partner, or didn't contribute as much as they should have to the relationship? Finally, their partner has had enough and dumps them. If the dumpee realises their mistake(s) it may be that contacting the dumper to apologise or try to fix what they did may be the thing that reignites the relationship.

 

DN you are 100% exactly right.

[stu1973]

For example, my story

 

 

 

It didn't end quite the way I wanted!

 

However I don't regret sending it one little bit, I had to set the record straight, both to move on and if possible to open up a channel of communication. The former, well, we are making progress, the latter, the less said of that the better!

[jenna-is-here]

If I ever talk to my ex again it will be because I brake NC. I dont think he will ever contact me because he thinks along the lines of "take all the time you need and when you are ready, call to say hello" PUKE. I probably will never call. I really dont have anything to say and dont want to hear what he has been up to.

 

I was the dumped

[snoopydog]

I think it's ok for the dumpee to contact the dumper if it's been long enough (3-6 months). That is when I was planning to contact mine, before she got in touch. Just drop them a simple 'hey, how are you' type email and see how they respond.

 

Mine still doesn't want me back, because she hasn't forgiven me, but I can tell you if you were both deeply in love they never forget you, so don't worry about being forgotten.

 

Be strong everyone!

[hater13]

that's very interesting. I did contact my ex 1 month into NC, it was very friendly contact (obviously I didn't want to rush into - TAKE ME BACK lol). After our brief msn conversation he never initiated contact again....so I think I've paid my dues.

 

It's up to him now :sad:

[pinkdinooo]

DN,

 

I totally agree with what you said.

 

In my situation, i'm the dumpee and was the one being wrong and understand why i was dumped. before we left each other he told me he'd love us to get back together only when he'll see that i have changed.

 

i'm doing everything i can to become a better person, and i'll call him after 6 months (its been 3 months now) when i'll feel that i'm at peace with myself so i can be someone better for our future.

 

i dont talk to him unless hes the one initiating the conversation, just to show him that im giving him space and that i'm working and focusing on improving myself. i dont wanna seem like im needy or desperate, i want him to see me as a strong and confident person.

[juxa]

It surely is a case by case thing.. Unfortunately I think the risks of either the dumpee or dumper is high as they will be often clouded by an urge to contact within an underlying time of weakness in their lives, whether they realise this is another factor.

 

I think If you were to create a mind map of the reconciliation that would best fit the odds of success on both sides you would be able to make the best decision of who would be best placed in the initiative position.

 

Unfortunately just as it may be easy to think.. (Dumpee)' I did the most damage I should probably try to see if there is a chance to fix things' or (Dumper) 'I pushed them away to the point where they would probably think so low of me.. So I'm going to make a mends by showing them I'm different now'

You can probably see good reasons for hesitation in both sentences by either example.

If this is the case then you have not healed and will be more likely to fail as further to this you may say something that will spring out a subconscious message of self doubt that the other party WILL see. This is why reconciling often will fail, since both people involved may not have shed their fear of being hurt again.

 

- Other things come into play also. Their time, work, friends ect, will dramatically affect your chances.. IF they are the kind that are easily influenced by outside sources to the relationship, this may prevent your likely-hood of success

 

You always want to be the closest you can be to that 'brand new' date scenario. Of course there will be attraction and a risk of rejection but if that rejection is going to leave you gutted for weeks then you know you're not ready.

 

 

In my case, I pushed away my partner with neglect. He most definitely felt GIGS and he has found someone else in a very short period after the break up. Again we can play with the odds of things working out there but you simply won't know and it is often best not to touch a relationship in process when/if you are a predominant reason why it began.

 

In my case, being the dumpee. I went through feelings of wanting to fix the problem from within. But just as relationships form from initial shallower notions in the first place, it's far more constructive to fix things from the outside.

 

It has only been about 2 months since we split and I feel now that I do not want my ex back. But I am on this forum so it's questionable I guess.

I feel that I would be giving up a lot to go back, probably a lot more than my ex.

I've even got to that stage where I think I would reject my ex if they did ever try to make a mends. Mostly because I've been so betrayed. I still intend to remain open minded at any rate, as I know how life is so unpredictable and feelings so changeable. Even so I would urge anyone who is intending on waiting, don't wait in hope but continue forward and remain hopeful of what lies ahead.

[Civic204]

Hmmm, interesting floridafan.

[the_dawn]

Hi guys,

 

juxa I agree with everything you've written and I'm in a very similar situation, we broke up and she hooked up with someone a couple of weeks later (known him for a while). I know going NC is something we do for us, not them, but I think everyone who's here on these boards has at least some sort of hope for reconciliation. I also feel betrayed and played, simply because instead of taking time to think everything through she jumped straight into a new relationship. Now even if she dumped the guy I doubt she would be willing to contact me and the reason for that is quite simple, she probably thinks I'm mad at her for everything and would never take her back (which I am to be honest). So seeing the fear of failure I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even try. I know I neglected her needs a bit, so it would only be fair if I broke NC and try to do something positive, but then again that would go against her (our) wish of doing NC in the first place, so it's a no no as well. Complicated no matter how you look at it...

 

the_dawn

[Time2Shine]

Hmmmm...I'm actually also interested in people's opinions of the_dawn's case. I too am in the same position and my ex has alot of pride. Pride that might get in the way of her ever picking up the phone. I'm pretty sure she thinks i hate her and im curious if should i see her again. Should I be nice? Should I say hello in a kind manner and walk away to make her feel at ease? I'm not completely sure I want my ex back but I would like the possibility to exist and with me making her think I hate her the odds are stacked against me. She probably thinks I wouldn't take her back because of it and as such she isn't going to make an effort.

[regular joe]

In my situation I would be considered the dumper so to speak (too keep this short and to the point) She is the one who refuses to speak to me. Unfortuately the lack of her talking to me is part of what lead us to where we are. I pray every day that she will contact me. It's been 13 months, if I could I pick up the phone and call her I would. So until she decides to break NC, life goes on the best I can.

[the_dawn]

Hi Time2Shine,

 

it is complex and very hard to answer to be honest. If you act nice she might think you got over the break up and that you can stay friends, so she might start acting nice and you will think there's a chance to get back together. If you are cold she might think you are mad and don't want to speak with her again and could move on if she ever had any hopes/thoughts of coming back. So there you go, more options, no answers...

 

I got a text from my ex asking for a small favour and she was saying how sorry she is for breaking the NC and saying that she understands if I don't want to do it. I haven't replied as we are NC and I'm guessing (might be wrong) that she really thinks I'm mad at her now, that I had enough time to think it through (talk to other people) and that I hate her for what she did. If this is true I doubt she will be the one breaking NC, unless something huge happens, enough time passes (a year or more) or I do it. Funny enough she has to break NC again, as she still has some stuff at my place, but then I will be forced to actually talk to her (or at least text).

 

the_dawn

[MalibuOne]

Hmmmm...I'm actually also interested in people's opinions of the_dawn's case. I too am in the same position and my ex has alot of pride. Pride that might get in the way of her ever picking up the phone. I'm pretty sure she thinks i hate her and im curious if should i see her again. Should I be nice? Should I say hello in a kind manner and walk away to make her feel at ease? I'm not completely sure I want my ex back but I would like the possibility to exist and with me making her think I hate her the odds are stacked against me. She probably thinks I wouldn't take her back because of it and as such she isn't going to make an effort.

 

I'm interested in responses to this as well. I live in a small town and my ex and I share a lot of friends. Sooner or later I will run into him. I'm sure he thinks I hate him and I don't. I want him back but only if he gets over his ex (i was a rebound relationship)