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Uh-oh, am I with a commitmentphobe?


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My BF and I have only been together a couple of months. As well as being an LDR, it's been very whirlwind - we've fallen deeply in love already.


He has told me that he thinks he used to be a commitmentphobe, but since meeting me, realises that he just hadn't met the right person yet. He says he has never loved anybody like he loves me. He has been in a couple of long term relationships but never reached the marriage/kids stage.


That made me feel great - as I feel the same - despite a few long term relationships, I don't remember feeling this way before either.


Until I looked up "commitmentphobe" on the internet and started reading about the classic signs...


They shower you with love and affection - check. They tell you that you have a future together - check. Most importantly, they tell you that they have never felt this way before - CHECK! (before pulling away...and after only 2 months, we wouldn't have necessarily got to that yet.)


I'm a bit worried now!

But if he were a commitmentphobe, would he actually go as far as saying he used to be one?!

Also, I have made my feelings clear to him all along too - and it doesn't seem to have scared him off (yet).


He fits the early profile of a commitmentphobe perfectly. But maybe what he says is true - he really hasn't felt this way before. Am I worrying too much?!

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If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. In other words, yes, commitmentphobes/players can indeed say "I used to be a commitmentphobe until I met you". It is just another one of those lines to make the other person feel like they are special and things will be different. I bet he said that same line to each woman he came on strong with and then dumped after the honeymoon period ended. How can you be "deeply in love" in two months. You don't know this guy really...all you know is the honeymoon period where he is doing his best to woo you and sweep you off your feet.

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I hate to say it, but I think you are probably right. I've been burnt a couple of times.


It is just possible he 'used to be' - but if he was, he doesn't appear to have learnt from it, does he? Anyone truly in recovery would NOT be acting this way...


Create some space, slow things down, centre yourself and see how things go if it's NOT this intoxicating rush.


Keep us posted! Oh - and well done for realising so quickly and being so sensible... something isn't right or you wouldn't have looked it up...

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I'll get slammed for this, but I don't believe in commitment-phobia. Another household label that gets slapped around when someone starts to lose interest or decide they don't want to get serious or when things aren't moving as fast as the partner would like.


I would try to relax and take M Darcy's advice. It's been 2 months, not 2 years.

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If you haven't, read "Men who can't love".


Whatever you do, don't have sex with this guy--it will make things worse for both of you.


My experience with a commitmentphobe got me a baby. The good thing is that he didn't tell me stuff like you were told. He always told me he didn't see us "long-term" and I never expected it. We were actually FWB, but I can't imagine how devasted I would have been if I had been told he had long-term plans with me and ended up running off like they tend to do.

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This is an intersting topic, one that I definetly haven't thought of too much in regards top my own situation. Now looking back and looking for the signs, it appears many of them were there from my ex. Never wanting to commit, changing plans at last minute, move from job to job, change careers completely, continually going back to one particulr ex, which she knows will lead nowhere.


So, I guess my question is.....If we were in fact involved with a commitment phobe, what can we expect? Does this lead to a perpetual cycle of them reaching out for us pulling us back into their lives, trying to rekindle things after significant periods of nothing then only to push us away again? Sorry if this seems like a stupid question but, I strongly believe I have been dealing with a commitment phobe and want to better prepare myself for what is to come. I have just never dealt with anything like this before.

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I'm a believer in that even the worst of commitment-phobes will settle down when they meet "the one". Someone who is everything they've ever wanted and so compatible with that they couldn't even bear the thought of not being with them.


I used to be a bit flighty, my longest relationship lasted almost 6 months and I broke up with all of my exes over stupid things as an excuse to just break up with them. I was actually worried that I could never have a serious relationship because it was like suddenly one day I couldn't stand the thought of talking to/seeing my bfs. I'd also told all of them I loved them btw, even though I didn't, I just said it because they said it first. Now I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 4 years, we're in a very much serious, long term, long distance relationship and it would be so easy to break up with him claiming distance is the problem (which I would've done in the past, I broke up with an ex because he moved 30 mins away) but he is so right for me that I want nothing more than to settle down with him.


So I guess my answer is, it's pointless to worry about whether or not he's a commitment phobe because if he thinks you're the one, then he will settle down, and if he doesn't, then it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

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OP: My story was like you -- he wasn't into a serious relationship to begin with, we had whirlwind romance, went into LDR and the end story, he told me "I thought I'm ready for serious relationship, but I was wrong".


Did I date your guy before, I wonder?


How long ago was his previous relationship?

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I"ve had men tell me they don't see us "long term", either. I took this to mean I just wasn't The One. That doesn't mean they were commitment phobes.


Oh, that's not what I meant. He had many other textbook characteristics of being a commitment-phobe. Few relationships, always with women he felt were not appropriate (built in reason to reject them), and as soon as they started "getting serious" he'd disappear on them. His longest relationship was 4 months. Never married at 38 and no prospects. With me, he can't really disappear since I have his baby. But when he felt we were getting too close, he got hyper-critical (even inventing faults in me, as if I didn't have enough already) and put up walls and basically quit talking to me about his life.


I just meant that my expectations were different than hers from the beginning.


Maybe he isn't commitment-phobic, but sounds like he might be.

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Whatever you do, don't have sex with this guy--it will make things worse for both of you.


Too late for that...we slept together the night we met

This didn't stop him pursuing a relationship with me though, so I guess that could be a positive towards him not being a commitmentphobe...


One of the signs I read was men who seek out relationships that are "flawed", eg. LDRs (like us) or somebody much older or younger (his long term ex was 10 years older.)


Ugh, I just don't know. Everything is still great at the moment...but I am dreading the moment he starts to pull away - it's happened with 2 exes of mine and it leaves me a mess.


But because it has happened to me before, I know this is why I am scared of it happening again. And that I shouldn't judge him by other men, and should have more faith that this is going to work

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