What next?

[Ammy]

Hey guys,

 

I am always worried I'll come accross as too pushy and find it hard to ascertain the difference between pushy and showing adequate interest.

 

So I have been on 3 dates with this guy. Once a weekend so far. The last date ended with a heavy make-out session in his car when he dropped me home. Now he has fully planned and initiated everything - dates, affection etc so far.... Is it my turn to step up and initiate something?

 

We went out on Fri night, and it's now Sat night and we haven't spoken since that "ïntense" make-out session.. He did say during it that he looks forward to doing it again soon... among other things like "ÿou're so beautiful" and our last comment to each other as I left the car was

Me: Ï would have enjoyed the movie more if you weren't there to distract me (smiling)

Him: Me too, you distracted me.....

 

So.... what now? Should I wait it out... he has been kinda slow with contact between dates as in 2 days in between etc.. he's not a text every day sort of guy... and not a calling guy.

 

Also, would a guy say "you're very sexy / beautiful" and "you made them excited" if they didnt really feel a chemistry when making out...??

 

I really like him and don't want to stuff this up. I have displayed interest on every date and we've been physically very affectionate.

 

Ammy

[Traveler27]

I always think it's better to let the guy pursue you in the initial stages of dating. You've only been out 3 times, and things seem to be going well so far so just let him initiate further contact until things have progressed a bit more and you've been dating for a while. Yes, it is a mistake to let one person do all of the initiating, however in my experience, guys will contact more if you keep a little bit of distance. And since you mentioned he is not a big phone/text kind of person, even more reason to just let him make the next move. If a guy is genuinely interested, he is going to contact you regardless of whether you text/call him first. Let him pursue you, and good luck!

[Batya33]

I agree with this - after you've gone out a few more times then I would do more initiating.

 

He most likely does feel chemistry. It's a separate issue whether he intends to ask you out again - that depends on other factors as well, such as who else he is dating/looking to date, other life situations, etc. As I've written to you in the past, I would keep expectations as "until and unless he asks me out again, that was our last date and it was a wonderful date - I will do my best to cherish the memories".

[BriarRose]

I agree with other 2 posters. It is VERY early, no need to start calling and initiating things with him - especially when things are going well. Of course he feels chemistry with you! You wouldn't have been on 3 dates if he didn't.

[Clarity]

Yeah, wait at least a few more dates. As a guy who acts like this guy (doesn't like a lot of contact in between), it might be because he likes to set the pace of the courtship - doesn't want things moving too fast (or too slow). Once you're more comfortable or you sense that he's looking for reciprocation, step up and initiate.

[msDazed_N_Confused]

Well most guys i know would expect the girl to plan a date after they planned 3.

 

Mind you, our dating culture is very different from the american dating culture (i have no idea about australian culture). Everyting is less divided, and women taking the lead to plan dates is just as normal als men initiating. I think on average, women actually initate more than men.

But i personally wouldn't see harm in you calling him monday to ask if he wants to go somewhere that you plan. I would think of a thing to do first and then contact him about it, though.

[Gilroy]

^^

 

I agree with the above poster.

 

After he initiated 3 dates I think you should do something. There is nothing wrong with it.

[Ammy]

I know it's only 3 dates, but my experience from hearing others' success stories is that they call you regularly once it gets to this stage.. as in not just every 3-4 days, esp on a weekend. So I'm wondering if he's not that taken by me?

 

Any guys other there who really like a girl but would wait days in between dates to contact them???

[Batya33]

I know it's only 3 dates, but my experience from hearing others' success stories is that they call you regularly once it gets to this stage.. as in not just every 3-4 days, esp on a weekend. So I'm wondering if he's not that taken by me?

 

Any guys other there who really like a girl but would wait days in between dates to contact them???

 

When I was dating we usually didn't talk every day after only three dates, especially if we didn't have another date planned. I think you're ruining this great experience with your unrealistic expectations - why not focus on the fun/great three dates you had since we have no clue what the future will bring?

[Clarity]

You really want to talk with him every day after only 3 dates? No matter how much I liked you, that would be a turn off for me.

[bar35]

Wow, I have seen some really conflicting information from people here between this post and a thread of mine. I guess because of gender roles.

 

I read a post that you had previously made on another thread regarding a pull back from a kiss at one time, and so when I read your post here it was nice to see that things are going well for you now.

 

What I can tell you is this. The woman who I have gone out with with the same spacing of dates has almost never initiated contact with me, except twice to tell me that she enjoyed what we did together. As such I have often wondered what her stance was.

 

Now I hear people up and down your thread advocating that you let him keep chasing you, and that you don't go after him. That's amazing to me. I can understand being patient, but expressing interest? Is that a mistake? I don't get it. I like it when a woman who I like tells me that she is thinking about me, or something like that.

 

My god. However I do understand not wanting to talk with the person everyday, I guess.

[BriarRose]

I know it's only 3 dates, but my experience from hearing others' success stories is that they call you regularly once it gets to this stage.. as in not just every 3-4 days, esp on a weekend. So I'm wondering if he's not that taken by me?

Any guys other there who really like a girl but would wait days in between dates to contact them???

 

You just saw him Friday, right? So today is Sunday. I admit for him to not call over the whole weekend is not good, but it's only Sunday morning.

 

Honestly, I'd say if not after 3 days, the interest is not that strong. So by Monday night if you haven't heard from him...but I think you will.

 

And don't listen to people that tell you to start calling him - what they say you should do and what they do (when interested in a woman) are two different things. If he wants to see you - he will call.

[mmmd]

When I was dating we usually didn't talk every day after only three dates, especially if we didn't have another date planned. I think you're ruining this great experience with your unrealistic expectations - why not focus on the fun/great three dates you had since we have no clue what the future will bring?

 

 

all that needs to be said.

[Clarity]

You just saw him Friday, right? So today is Sunday. I admit for him to not call over the whole weekend is not good, but it's only Sunday morning.

 

Honestly, I'd say if not after 3 days, the interest is not that strong. So by Monday night if you haven't heard from him...but I think you will.

 

And don't listen to people that tell you to start calling him - what they say you should do and what they do (when interested in a woman) are two different things. If he wants to see you - he will call.

 

I really don't see how after three dates, not having contact over a weekend is "not good". I have really good, close friends that I go longer without having contact and I'm certainly closer to them than someone I've seen for 3 whole dates.

 

If someone got upset that I didn't contact them for 3 or 4 days when we'd been on less than a handful of dates, it would definitely be a red flag of her being clingy or needy.

[citymouse]

If I were brand new with a guy and we had our third date on Friday, I would hope to hear from him again by Tuesday or Wednesday the following week so that he could ask me out for the following weekend.

 

However I would protect myself by assuming that -- after only three dates and not reaching the stage of exclusivity yet -- there could be a chance he was dating other women. If we had only been on three dates, I wouldn't necessarily be offended or turned off if it took him a while to get back to me. In the meantime I would be busy out there looking for dates, too, so I wouldn't get overinvested too early.

 

But yeah, ideally he would call back within a few days -- 3 or 4??? -- to keep the momentum going and keep asking you out at least once a week. I hope it works out that way for you two, Ammy! He sounds like a nice guy!

[BriarRose]

I really don't see how after three dates, not having contact over a weekend is "not good". I have really good, close friends that I go longer without having contact and I'm certainly closer to them than someone I've seen for 3 whole dates.

 

If someone got upset that I didn't contact them for 3 or 4 days when we'd been on less than a handful of dates, it would definitely be a red flag of her being clingy or needy.

 

Clarity, this is an issue you and I will never agree on. So be it. And going by comments in some of your previous threads, you didn't go days without contacting the woman you were (or are) seeing - in fact, you would sometimes repeatedly contact her, concerned that you had not heard back. And if a man sees contact more than every 4 days as needy, he might perhaps have some issues, because there is nothing wrong with that.

 

That's all I am going to say on that, of course, your opinion is as valid as mine.

[BriarRose]

Citymouse, just out of curiosity, was your bf like that in the beginning? Did he go several days without contacting you after a date?

[citymouse]

Citymouse, just out of curiosity, was your bf like that in the beginning? Did he go several days without contacting you after a date?

 

Yes.

 

But in a way my situation was different because he always asked me out at the end of each date -- he still does too -- so I never was left wondering if we were seeing each other again or where we were at -- which is the situation Ammy is in right now.

 

For example he would drop me off on a Saturday night and say, "Let's go to the movies on Tuesday" or whatever.

 

He also was making plans for us way in advance. After our second or third date in January, he found out I was interested in cooking classes so he signed us up for cooking classes in March for example. I was surprised he was booking us that far ahead because honestly at that point, even I wasn't sure I would still feel like dating him two months in the future. I had no idea where this was all going.

 

So yes, I would have liked day-after phone calls... a lot. But --- sigh-- that's not how it happened. And I consoled myself by knowing that we were still going out on whatever day that was coming up, and tried to focus on that.

 

Even now we still don't talk every day, I wish we did. But he is calling more often than in the beginning. Last week he called almost every day -- last week was a good week, lol. I do call him sometimes too but he is a LOT

busier than I am, and he isn't always readily available to chat when I call him. So that is why I prefer him to call me when he is free and able to talk without being interrupted. Plus I'm afraid of seeming needy or too aggressive or whatever.

[BriarRose]

Well, we haven't heard from her, so hopefully he called and they are out right now

[citymouse]

In fact now that I think of it, he took a whole week to call me after we first met. It wasn't really a date, it was just the initial first meeting. Saturday Dec. 19th... it went well and in the course of the conversation I told him I was getting ready to go out of town for a few days. He asked me when I was coming back and I said Sunday Dec. 27... he said something like maybe he would give me a call.

 

I sort of hoped he would call during that week when I was on vacation, after all he had my cell phone number. I thought it would have been nice for him to call and say something like "it was nice meeting you the other day." But nothing. I honestly wondered if I would ever hear from him again.

 

But the very day I got back into town, he called at 11 a.m. and asked me out for that afternoon and I said yes. Normally I don't accept last minute dates but I felt like he had already suggested he would call. And then everything snowballed from there.

 

So when a guy doesn't call right away it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have the potential to be seriously interested.

[citymouse]

Well, we haven't heard from her, so hopefully he called and they are out right now

 

Yeah I know! I hope so for her sake.

 

[Clarity]

Clarity, this is an issue you and I will never agree on. So be it. And going by comments in some of your previous threads, you didn't go days without contacting the woman you were (or are) seeing - in fact, you would sometimes repeatedly contact her, concerned that you had not heard back. And if a man sees contact more than every 4 days as needy, he might perhaps have some issues, because there is nothing wrong with that.

 

That's all I am going to say on that, of course, your opinion is as valid as mine.

 

In the past (over a year ago) I have made that mistake, but I don't do that anymore and definitely not with the woman I am currently seeing. We often go several days without contact and neither of us have a problem with that. I think it's a function of how secure both people are in themselves and whether they have other things going on in their lives.

[Ammy]

Yes guys he contacted me on Sunday afternoon!! He asked me out for Monday night as he knows I'm on holidays at the moment. We had a great date, no other date planned but he said "see you soon" and so I'm assuming we'll hang out at the weekend (I'm busy for the rest of the week and so is he).

 

So yeah, all's well. I also agree MissKitty, contact every few days is acceptable and not clingy, and it's been what I have received when a guy is interested in me... I'm not asking for hour long convos every day, just a quick signal that he's thinking of me, or asking me out. If he planned dates at the end of the last one, I would not be at all concerned with days of silence...

 

Anyway I think *fingers crossed* everything is a bit more clear this time.

 

Ammy

[citymouse]

Yay, Amy!

 

 

[Gilroy]

Good luck Ammy

 

Keep us posted!