The Angry Ex

[AutumnBorn]

Is your ex as angry as mine? Lashing out at you even though s/he left you?

 

I finally figured out why my ex is so angry and ugly, and I'm sharing the end of my story and revelation below, but I want to hear from other people who have or are dealing with an angry ex. I'm trying to figure out how to interact with him now that it's all so much clearer (thanks to Al Turtle and the seeds of understanding that have been planted here). Any suggestions? NC is not an option - we have kids, property, and some money still tied together because of the house.

 

WHY WE REALLY ENDED AND HE'S ANGRY by AB

 

My ex was and is a master manipulator. He loves a good head game, has to win at all costs, has to be right at all times.

 

Prior to his leaving, I'd made my expectations known and said I wasn't going to settle for less than a husband who was loyal and faithful. Not one to be "controlled", he continued doing what he was doing, only more openly, and taking it even further. He became passive-aggressive, said cruel, ugly things, and, finally, moved out. He attempted to make me jealous, pushed my buttons, and did thoughtless things. This was a feeble attempt to make me uncomfortable enough to love him and meet his needs, just as babies and children do in order to get their needs met.

 

He's angry because I was supposed to plead with him to come back and I didn't. I filed for divorce. When I said I was filing, he didn't believe it. When I was drawing up the papers, I was just raising the stakes. He wasn't going to budge because that would mean he'd lose. When he signed the papers, he was playing a game of chicken. When I mailed them in, he thought I was bluffing. I loved him too much to let him go, of that he was certain. I'd never even threatened divorce before. I was just going to take this all the way to the edge, but he wasn't going to back down. He really wanted to win in this power struggle. When I told him the Judge had signed the papers and we were officially divorced, he was shocked, felt sick.

 

He'd lost, not realizing up to that moment I wasn't playing around. It wasn't part of our power struggle, as he assumed; it was me giving up. I had no idea until last week his leaving wasn't because he was unhappy - he was suicidal after he left, it tore him apart so badly. He just didn't have the skills he needed and we had the world's worst counselor. The divorce made him so angry, he still isn't over it. He's still lashing out at me. He must feel like I'm the one who quit.

[TechResQ]

Wow...great post! I can relate because I was in the same situation. My ex is still angry and even goes so far as to say I "abandoned" him and left him "broken-hearted". huh? what?

 

The problem with these types, lies with the fact that they are true narcissists. Everything is all about them, all of the time. They can't lose. They hate losing. If what they are dealt is not what they want, they cannot handle it. And you know what...they never change...I truly believe they can't change, they are incapable. I just feel sorry for the people that end up with them next.

 

Good for you for being strong enough to say "enough is enough"! Good for you for taking care of yourself and doing what you needed to do to move on and get stronger. You should be proud of yourself. Very proud!

 

All the best!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is a great post...it perfectly illustrates the point that manipulators/game players see everyone else through a very distorted lens. Because they are control freaks they see everyone else as the same and try to undermine them...it is not about love it is about being in total control. Winning at whatever game they dreamed up. There are no rules, they make them up as they go along, changing rules at their whim to knock their "opponent" off guard. They don't view people as friends, co-workers, partners...everyone is seen as an opponent who they need to get the better of. There is no empathy because they see life as a war..."me vs everyone else"...they see life as "the ends justify the means"...and the ends are really whatever is good from them, not for anyone else...everyone else just does not compute in their minds.

 

Your ex is lashing out because he feels he has lost the game...he sees you as the victor and doesn't seem to get it that when a relationship fails nobody wins.

[Happy Bunny]

Wow, were we married to the same guy?

 

Good for you for leaving him, and best of luck!

[jenna-is-here]

I love this story because you did not back down (for your own reasons) and in the end beat him at his own game!

[ElizaLibbyBeth]

Great post...you have such insight. I enjoy reading your thoughts on these kinds of things.

 

My ex left me, for another woman. (though he denies this fact and has since he left in November). He has been unkind, mean and nasty since he moved out. One would think he would be happy, as he didn't want to be with me any longer...and I am out of the picture. He is free to do what he wants, with whomever he wants and he is even uglier to me after moving out.

 

We were not married, but have a son together. And he wont speak to me at all, make ANY eye contact during drop off and pick up of our son, and as we are in the middle of custody proceedings, has stated awful and untrue things about me...as has his family.

 

I was pathetic in the beginning...the whole begging, crying, promising to change...change what??? I have no idea, as I was very good to him. So this question is very mind baffling. Why is it when they leave you, can't stand you, love you no more...and continue to be soooo damn nasty???

 

Like your thoughts on this. For me, I still have no idea. I just keep trying to be kind and be the bigger person and hope that someday, for the sake of our son, he will begin to respond the same way.

[doyathink]

I think you personally know my ex bf. You described him to a T!

[woodst0ck]

You're an inspiration AB...why can't more women be like you

[Starbourne]

Wow, the same thing happened to me with my ex.

 

First she ignored me for 3 weeks and made excuses as to why she couldn't see me, yet still had time to go out for drinks on a school night with friends. Then she eventually dumped me on facebook.

 

Post break up, she expected me to be her friend right after and spoke to me like we were old buddies. It was pretty offensive, and once she realized I was pulling away, she became VERY rude and said all sorts of things, acted immature, selfish etc. She then told our mutual friends that it was me who was acting that way.

[d_lilah]

 

The problem with these types, lies with the fact that they are true narcissists. Everything is all about them, all of the time. They can't lose. They hate losing. If what they are dealt is not what they want, they cannot handle it. And you know what...they never change...I truly believe they can't change, they are incapable. I just feel sorry for the people that end up with them next.

 

 

Yep, that is my ex. He only got angry after I sent him an email saying what he did was wrong (and asking for my stuff back). He has such a high opinion of himself that he couldn't accept that anything he did or the way he handled the situation was incorrect. He has to be right all the time, and god help anyone that says otherwise.

 

I never knew what the word 'narcissist' truly meant until I came to these boards and saw that others descriptions of their exs matched mine to a T. Even the wikipedia entry was him. Because of this, I can't hate him anymore... it's the kind of person he is and it was never going to change.

 

The way I see it, he can still be angry if he wants, but in the end it's all down to him. He has no one but himself to blame for his negativity...i'm not angry anymore, so he's not going to bring me down with him.

[AutumnBorn]

....Why is it when they leave you, can't stand you, love you no more...and continue to be soooo damn nasty???

 

Like your thoughts on this. For me, I still have no idea. I just keep trying to be kind and be the bigger person and hope that someday, for the sake of our son, he will begin to respond the same way.

 

 

The thing is, it's probably not him not loving you. It's more likely, I think from everything I've learned recently, he loved you very much, in his mind, in his reasoning. That anger is equal to the love he lost and the pain and frustration he must've felt at not being able to get you to give you what he needed most. (God knows what it actually was.) He doesn't know why you didn't understand him - everything he did was logical (in his mind) and nothing you did was logical to him.

 

We aren't told when we're young and open to hearing such things everybody has a different reality and we can only see things from our perspective, in our reality. It takes a very mature person not to react negatively to things we don't understand, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to stop reacting and start asking "why did you do that? Help me to understand. I know it made perfect sense to you and I want to understand you perfectly".

 

In your mind, you probably didn't do anything wrong. You didn't know to ask the why of it. And it's entirely possible he was thinking something like "if she loved me, she'd (fill in his idea of the perfect action from you here)". When you didn't show him you loved him by doing (whatever action here), he wouldn't think "oh, I never told her I need her to do that, so how could she possibly know that's what I need from her?" Instead, he's thinking "I KNEW she didn't love me enough" and got angry. After all, you seemed to have one mind not long ago - you agreed with and understood him perfectly in the honeymoon stage. We're conned into believing, if someone loves us, they'll behave in a certain way. They're "supposed" to know exactly what we want and need and make sure our needs are met. That's what love is. We let each other down by not being psychic, I think. How can they meet our needs if we never told them what they were? Instead, we're left bewildered, in a childish mindset, thinking, alone inside ourselves, instead of talking and listening to each other. Our partners are supposed to understand us without any effort on our part to be understood. That's what love is. And never having to say you're sorry, of course - sorry is not a word for the person doing the lashing to say, it's for the person being punished to say. (Being the most powerful woman in the world, I can make my ex do and say things he wouldn't ever do or say outside of my presence. He has no control over himself. I change his personality and very nature and force him to be mean to me! It's magic, really.)

 

I'd bet money your ex had some arbitrary secret test he'd put you through, some bizaree thought process that began with "if she loved me, she'd...." and he grew angry and disappointed. Without the right skill and mind set, it was destined to happen.

 

People aren't angry with others who mean nothing to them. The opposite of love is complete and total indifference. When he lashes out at you, it could very well be hate. Hating someone doesn't mean you don't love them - it means he loves you and is so frustrated and hurt at "your inabilities", you bring out an entirely different sort of passion in him. Hate is a very passionate emotion. It's brought on by misunderstanding, envy, jealousy, anger, longing and desire that's never satiated, doing and saying impulsive things in order to make it so uncomfortable for you, you'll love him and meet his needs - or at least show some passion in return, even if it's angry passion. My dear, he obviously loves you a great deal. He's just too immature and dumb to know how to get it.

 

If he didn't love you, he'd ignore you, be as polite and unaffected as a grocery clerk. His anger says a great deal more than he realizes. (You are a very powerful woman, too.)

 

He's just in his own power struggle right now. He probably thinks he's still in it with you.

 

Now you've heard this secret, warped thought process (we're all guilty of this at some point, to some degree) and now have all the power. When he says something nasty to you, something mean and ugly, you know he's really saying "why can't you love me like I want you to?! I'm going to keep punishing you until you get it right and give me the love I need". It's the same logic of spanking a child to teach them it's wrong to hit other people. (You know the right way to get a child to stop hitting right? You suddenly scream in her face which scares the holy crap out of her and you get the unbridled satisfaction of seeing the startled, horrified look on her face...just kidding.)

 

My ex said during a counseling session he periodically tested me. If he came to bed and I didn't look up within the count of five, he'd know I didn't love him and vowed to leave. If I didn't touch his foot with my foot after he got into bed, he'd leave. I was reading. I probably looked up on the count of seven when I finished the sentence I was reading. My feet were cold, so I didn't touch his. He thought I was being heartless and didn't want to touch him. In my mind, I was thoughtful. Touching him with my cold feet would have made him cold, too. He didn't know my feet were cold, so heartless I was. It was a trap. There really was no "right" thing to do and no way for me to pass the test, since I didn't know I was being tested.

[AutumnBorn]

And I didn't figure any of this out in my own head, except for the part directly relating to my ex. I read Al Turtle's blog about seven times in it's entirety, Uncoupling, every post I could squeeze in here, talked with a therapist friend specializing in abusive relationships (mine was emotionally abusive), and a dozen other sources.

 

The sixth time I read Al's blog, it started to sink in. Then a light went off and I actually absorbed parts of it. It probably isn't true of all angry ex's, but it's true of mine from the perspective of hindsight.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is a wonderful post. So very true.