NC - Do you tell them?

[mercurial100]

When you go NC did you tell your Ex you were doing it?

 

I moved out, ignored a load of messages and facebook messages for the first few days and haven't heard anything since (which is great news!).

 

But, everyone seems to tell their ex. I've always been a bit hot-headed in the sense that I don't think things through - so do you think I should have told her? It's too late now anyway but it would be interesting to know how most of you did it.

[fLuiD]

Its probably best to not say anything, but I am guilty of telling an ex 'Hey we are going NC' Either way, it doesn't matter.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I told him I wanted to not talk to each other or see each other for a long while. He agreed. I thought it was the right thing to do out of respect for each other.

[fLuiD]

With NC, its nice to have a streak going. It helps you keep focused on a goal and thats not a bad thing. If you break NC to tell her you are going NC you are breaking the streak you have so far. You're also not going to get anything out of it. If she doesn't respond, you simply look weak for having to state what she already knows..that you are in NC. If she does respond, it might be a dry response such as 'K' or it will lead to you two discussing the reasons why NC should be in place and all that can stir up emotions all over again. No need for all of that. Stick to NC. She already knows you are in it.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I just didn't think it was fair to leave him in the dark. I didn't hate him. I didn't think him a bad person. Yes I was hurting but he never really did me any wrong.

 

So, I just wanted him to know that I was going NC out of my own healing and not as anything against him. Just ignoring phone calls would get to me over time. I'm a direct person. I never worried about looking weak when it came to him.

[Rangafro]

I think NC for the sake of NC isn't entirely productive. So you look weak... who cares. You're going NC because you want to move past it, not to spite someone or to save face. If you're willing to at least give them that respect, you're already further down the line of healing.

[cingularity83]

I think NC for the sake of NC isn't entirely productive. So you look weak... who cares. You're going NC because you want to move past it, not to spite someone or to save face. If you're willing to at least give them that respect, you're already further down the line of healing.

 

This man speaks the truth, but also I guess sometimes it depends more on how things ended. If it's one of those break-up where the person lost attraction or feelings for you, did they really do you any wrong by being honest? Sure you're still going to be hurt but out of respect you let the person know you're not trying to be mean or a jerk but that you have enough respect for them to inform them that you're going to need no contact from them. Now it's up to them to be respectful and also honor your request. This way you have a peace of mind knowing you are not going to her from them randomly and set you back

[RedDress]

When I am in a relationship, it is always 'known' that I don't believe in being friends with exes. So, when we break up, I have a 'canned' speech...

 

"Dear XXX,

 

As you know, I don't believe in being active friends with exes. I want you to understand that I am not mad at you and I don't hate you. I care about you and that's exactly why I really don't want to know what you are up to, who you are dating, etc. I don't want to go through that and I shouldn't have to.

 

For that reason, I am now (unfriending you on FB, not going to respond to your emails, etc).

 

Wishing you all the best,

RedDress"

 

I do this whether I am the dumper or the dumpee. I then ignore any future contact (if any).

 

Any time that I've ever run into any of my exes they have been very friendly... so... I guess it works. At least... it works for me!

 

I think it's good to tell people in advance basically what you are doing. Silence is powerful - especially when you don't know what's going on in the other person's head. It can feel passive-aggressive and make them think that you hate them. I just like to clear that up from the get-go so that they know what is going on.

 

But that's just me.

[fLuiD]

No Contact is an unspoken rule of breaking up. The dumpee is for the most part the only one who is concerned with why they and their ex are no longer in contact. The dumper usually doesn't care for the contact. Yes it is nice to tell them you are going NC, but you don't have to.

[Ding]

In hindsight, I should have told him I was going no contact.

 

The breakup was a bit messy. After 2 years I was the dumper, left him because I didnt have the same feelings anymore and a variety of other reasons including xbox addiction, rudeness from his sister, depression, lack of things to talk about etc. I felt we'd come to the end of the line. I did still love him, but love and being able to live together harmoniously are too different things. It was a very hard choice. After a week or so of LC, I stayed out of contact until my father passed away, and then I got in contact with him out of sheer despair. He was there for me.

 

Then I found life very hard for a while and just ignored his messages and calls. I heard nothing for a while and then I get a really long horrible email from him in my inbox basically saying congratulations, you've cut me out of your life completely, i feel like all we had was a waste of time now, I dont hold our memories in any esteem, i'm not here for you, you dont exist to me anymore, you're ignorant and a coward, get some guts to talk to me, otherwise have a nice life.

 

Ugh. That email was hard to read and set me back a long way. And to be honest, I can completely see where he's coming from though, even though it hurts. I just completely ignored him. That is a HORRIBLE thing to do to someone and I feel like an absoloute bi***. It must have been horrible to be ignored. And I just feel like all NC has done is made the breakup this gaping scar in my life now, and all the happy memories we had are tainted by all the anger that NC has caused. I do not have a very high opinion of myself for doing it. And I am also painfully aware that I dont think we'll ever be friends down the line now. I have hurt him too much by cutting him out of my life.

 

I appreciate that NC is useful in some situations. But right now I'm at the stage where I just feel like a loser and that NC is like hiding instead of facing a fear head on.

[texaslove]

My ex and I stopped speaking for the first week until I sent an email reminding him to drop off my things (he broke up with me). He then texted me back saying he had most of it together and asked when was a good time to drop it off. That saturday he dropped my stuff off at 5am, and texted me telling me this. He said he had dropped everything off and to let him know if anything was missing. No other sentence about good bye or anything... So I never texted him back. We have been NC since. I MISS HIM TERRIBLY but if I were to say Dont talk to me lets go NC I would be scared that if he EvEr DIiiiiD want to come back he wouldnt contact me?!

 

I duno. I guess it all depends. He hasnt contacted me and me him sooo... I am guessing it is understood. I don't feel rude. I feel liberated to hold back

[Atticus90]

Didn't help in my situation. Told her if she contacted me again then id get a restraining order against her. All i need to know is how my son is doing and she can send me emails, pictures of him without having to call me.