What shall I do?

[blahdeblah]

I've been with my boyfriend for one year now, and we've been very happy indeed. Although recently, a problem has come up: when he wants sex, I'm not always in the mood, whether this may because I'm too tired, or just sometimes you know when you're not in the mood?

However, he has made some huge thing about this and he's telling me it means that I don't find him attractive. This is ridiculous, because I really do, I just don't feel I should be expected to be in the mood for sex 24/7, because most women really aren't. I've tried explaining this to him, telling him that to me he is perfect just the way he is, but he just won't listen.

He's saying that he's going to go down to the gym, start working out, to "make himself more attractive to me" - this won't make a difference to my sex drive! I've tried explaining that it's not him, it's just that I'm not always feeling horny, but when he gets like this he doesn't listen at all.

I've even tried explaining it from my point of view, telling him that it does upset me a bit that sex has to be SUCH a major issue, for example if he's horny and I'm feeling too tired (I get up at 6am every day for heavens sake) he then gets in a huge mood and the rest of the day is ruined.

He does seem to wallow in his self-pity at times like these, and just go on and on and on about it, and it brings me down because there's really nothing I can do, he won't listen to a word I say.

To me, my boyfriend is perfect, I find him majorly attractive, I really do. But there is no amount of working out or whatever he can do to improve himself in my eyes, and it's not going to affect the fact that I don't want sex all the time.

This doesn't even happen often, 9 out of 10 times when he's up for it, so am I, there are just times when it's too hot, or I'm feeling too tired.

I just feel lost, he goes on and on telling me what I'm supposedly thinking, it's so difficult not to snap at him because I really am getting annoyed now. But I carry on trying to cheer him up but when he gets in this kind of mood he just wallows in it, and doesn't listen to what I have to say, no matter how nice it is.

I just don't know what to do? Sorry this is so long!

[digger11]

honestly, i only read the first five lines....

but i have to tell you...

if you don't feel like having sex... sometimes the act of having sex puts you in the mood... or makes you crave it more. same thing with orgasms... the more you have, the more you want. I was in your position once... didn't really want to have sex, but did for my partner... let me say I never regretted it because I always got my own personal satisfaction, a very intimate closeness that only sex can bring, or satisfaction from him being satisfied.

[Day Sleeper]

Your boyfriend is insecure and this is how it's decided to manifest itself. Do you ever instigate sex? Perhaps he feels that he has to prod you into it, and that you're not interested in it at all with him. Are you on any birth control methods that could be squishing your libido? With guys, actions speak louder than words, so finding other ways to boost his confidence about his appearance may be an option. Tell him he's handsome or gorgeous or that he looks sexy in that black shirt, out of the blue and reassure him that you think he's perfect like you said!

 

Guys will crave sex, but it should never be a chore for the partner. Try instigating it a couple times when you're in the mood- maybe it will balance his fears out.

[DN]

I too think it is important how often you initiate - because it should be fairly often. There is more to showing that you find a partner attractive than just acquiescing when he initiates but showing enthusiasm when he does and also being the one to show intitial interest.

[RedDress]

Did you always have a low libido or is this a new thing? If it's new, I think you need to sit down and think about why this is happening. It's really not fair to him to withhold sex. You are asking, after all, to be the only person he has sex with. So, if you are not participating...

 

Things that I've noticed can cause a lower sex drive (without you realizing):

 

- Hormonal birth control (I've had this problem myself - time to see a doctor!)

- Poor diet and exercise (maybe you should go to the gym! It gets the blood flowing!)

- Problems in the relationship (Women are generally emotional creatures. The sex life is often the first thing to go...)

- Boredom (are you stuck in a routine? Sexually or otherwise?)

- Not being in an active sex life (having sex breeds wanting sex)

 

The 'waking up at 6am' excuse is not a good excuse. Especially when you follow that with a comment about 'the rest of the day'. If you are tired, you should go to sleep. That way, the next day, you will not be so tired! Or... wake up earlier and initiate morning sex! Morning sex is the best...

 

I also agree with digger11. Sometimes, when you are not really feeling it, if you go with the flow, the desire 'appears'.

 

I really think this is your responsibility to work it out, rather than on him to 'get over it'. Who wants to be in a sexless relationship?? You are not fulfilling his needs. This is very bad news.

 

Edited to say: Of course... this is all relative. How often does he want sex? How often do you guys actually have sex? If he wants sex 4 times a day and you are having it 3 times a day - he is being a big baby.... I mean... that's possible too.

[aldridal]

She did say 9 times out of 10 she wants him back.

 

I agree with others though, it does depend on how often you initiate. Still though, for that 10% of the time that you're not in the mood, he just needs to lighten up. Not everybody is in the mood 100% of the time.

 

What others have said though, is just make sure you're initiating a good amount of the time, and randomly making him feel sexy. Other than that, if he still keeps it up, it's time to talk to him.